Elucidating Questions

I see you Universe

I see you carrying on the cup reference

But, tell me, where do I fill this cup from?

From the poison dripping on Loki?

With what?

My cup has been empty for years

I’ve just been continuing on in this post loss of whatever I was trying to do

I have begged for others to

And they don’t have to

Who cares if my cup is empty when they all have their own family members to fill their own cups

People other than me

No one owes me

Any of the things I need from people

See, that’s the sick part

You come into this world with needs and it’s no one’s job to fill them but your own

And social is a need but you can’t fill that on your own

But no one is required to help you

In fact

They will watch you drowning in solitary confinement for 10 years and say

“I’m sorry”

When you cry out because of it while continuing to do nothing

Ever an afterthought

Women whining about always being a bridesmaid

At least you have fucking friends whose weddings you’re involved in

And I am currently too preoccupied with the now not content critter

How you expect me to fill said cup

You haven’t said

Just continued the theme and said “but you have to fill yours first”

I hope he gets some sleep tonight

I feel the demons will be keeping me awake into the wee hours again

There’s something to be said about an individual with absolutely no reason to continue existing doing so anyways

I’m not sure if they’re words of pity or praise

Deliver unto me a reason

The reason can’t be what I want it to be

They say it’s a chapter in my life

If I get to the end of the next decade and I’m still living like this I’ll apply for MAID

I’ll just give up

Maybe setting an expiry date for this agony will make it easier to bear

10 years as of my birthday

I feel a sadness that this is all my life was

33 years of pointlessness

But maybe it’s a blessing that the government wants people like me to disappear

Because I can

The sighs I have heaved for you today, love

This is a pain I would take from every person who has loved and lost an animal

If sighs were alive they’d wrap you tight and be something soothing

I want to do something

Something meaningful, but I don’t think I’m good enough to do anything

Someone else will do what I’m imagining I’m sure

The world doesn’t need me

I wish I could sing and have it all come clear

I wish anything I can do would be helpful

I am in a numb place where your pain means more to me than me so me is taking a break

Instead to just worry about you

I should trust you’re together right now and holding eachother in one piece

I’m sorry your home is going to feel foreign for a while

I’m sorry for all those moments you’ll think of her where there would have been a moment with her that is now gone

I’m sorry for each missed thing

Thinking of you suffering is unbearable

This trapped place I’m in where I can do nothing

And Time always

Give it time

I don’t expect you to be okay

But that you’re possibly not just pulls me

Don’t try to put on your face

Don’t feel like you have to perform your grief unless you want to

I hate that I now understand why your youness was suddenly so loud

Crazy fucking Universe with the signs and the poking and the pay attention

This is such a weird place

Making me watch this from afar

Cursing hummingbirds

If this is nothing more than a “let’s show this human how powerless they are” simulator

It’s really well put together

Maybe I will sing for her

Even if you never hear it

I’m still dripping in my own grief

Do I even have the extra to give?

And no one has been there for me

I’ve weathered this storm alone

Yet I float to his side

He doesn’t even want it

It’s there for him anyways

Why do I do all this trying to stop people from feeling alone like me when they’re not alone?

Beautiful memories

Locked behind a door of grief

A woman giggled

She had bleached blonde hair

I thought of my sister and how I’ll never get to hear her laugh again

I’m tackled by the grief at moments I would least expect

Right Mike?

I wonder if anyone will ever hold me together?

They’ve got eachother

And the crowd

Here I am with an empty cup offering water

Just trying to keep it together

I don’t know how I am because if I did I’d be asleep right now

Just another day that I offer someone what no one offers me

I would give him a thousand moments to recover from this if I could

But reality didn’t give that to me when she died

Give yourself time, okay?

Hermes if he doesn’t read it from me get it to him in some other way

Take your time

Grief doesn’t have a timeline

Or an expiry date

Take that moment I told you to take

Take as many as you need

Don’t let reality demand wholeness from you

Sometimes a piece of you is missing

She’s got it though

She’ll keep it safe for you

Mind, I wish you would be still

There is nothing we can do

We are here and they are there

As always

My arms don’t feel long enough

I wish to reach them and show them it’s going to be okay

Unlikely

If my will was enough

I’d be there with them

A dream that never comes true

I knew it was running out

Ah well

Not for me to feel

For they

Mind I do wish you’d be still

So very far away from where we wanted to be when this moment came

I can only sit in silence and contemplate his pain

Wish I could will it away

It doesn’t feel like I can do anything

When you just wish you could hold them for a moment

As ever, miraculously useless

Am I

How do I help them?

Distance and imbalance

How I wish I could just

Just hold you together for a moment

My love

I wish I could take away the pain

Well you officially have permission to be on my mind

Are you two okay

How can I make it better

But there was no better when Supi died

There was no better when Tiga died

I still think about pets I had in my teens that I lost

Your grief just lives

And your life grows around it

There are no magic words for grief

What a life though

What a well lived life

I’m with you

In ways

I do genuinely hope you get that rainbow

How I want to gather you up in arms strong enough to hold you together until it ebbs.

Both of you

A relationship between a human and an animal

I do not believe anything more pure exists in this world

That we reached out to other species and said

I can’t live life without you

These beautiful creatures

Thank you for rescuing her

Bennie, you sweet bean, thank you for rescuing him

I always wanted to meet you

Time is unfortunate

I fear my heart will not return to me for a while

How my thoughts are with you

My heart is with you

Sweet man

Love is beautiful

It is also tragic

But I feel that tragedy is merely

Proof that we loved profoundly to begin with

My god

My love

My love

Oh I’m so sorry

I’d write a thousand more poems if it would take away what you’re feeling right now

I would

I’d move the skies

Sol show him a rainbow

Yes you

Show him something beautiful

The heartache of losing our soulmates

Our furry friends

Oh if I could only do something

I’m sorry

I lost Onyx a few weeks back

I held her in my arms as she left this world

If there’s anything

It’s that

The pain you’re feeling right now

Means you loved her

A profound love that only you will ever know truly

Saying goodbye means you kept your unspoken promise to love her forever

That love is real

The pain is proof

May you see her again

May you walk together in a place that looks like home once more

It’s a terrifying thing to love

But you did

And she did

I will never have the words to make this hurt less

But there will come a time when you can think of her and smile again

My dearest one

I am sending you all the strength I can

I love you

I’m so sorry