Elucidating Questions

My finger hurts

They tell you not to crack your knuckles but my knuckles get misaligned and cracking them is the only way to fix it

Living is so strange

Being is strange

Here I am a piece of the Universe

Apart from it

I’d ask if my cells think living is a strange as I do

But my cells are insane

Actually

So there’s that

I may be the one piece of this body left that is sane

Built for survival

Please

My body was built for going away to the home by the lake where I am taken care of by a small team of people

It’s a funny joke that I have no such life

And I want to make a grand gesture

But I’m me

I couldn’t possibly try again

This life is strange

I feel like society doesn’t want me to exist

And I don’t know what the point of keeping me forever without is

All my friends

The people who I still think of as friends

So far away without the time

The roses are blooming magnificent they’ve been loud lately

Roses everywhere

And dragonflies

Like my great grandma and my grandma are trying to contact me

Looking around, round

I wish the messages for me were clearer

I wish I didn’t get in my own way

I am in this twisted way

Lucky that the hand that was dealt to me wasn’t as bad as so many others

It’s so wrong

The mark of a civilization is that they can care for the least of themselves

I think we’re past civilization into something awful

And I am merely one of billions trapped on the bottom rung

All the good things in this Universe

And they decided to magnify the worst parts

This strange life

I wish I had more good today.

Beautiful human

I have a headache suddenly

The weather is clear

It’s hard when the weather betrays you

When you’re feeling dark and cloudy

But the Sun is out and everyone is talking about what a beautiful day it is

When the world can have a beautiful day without you

When it feels like you’re the only one in the gloom

I wonder how you’re doing

The silence is expected

But the worry

I wouldn’t dare demand your attention right now

I wish there was a way to forever know you’re okay

That’s not invasive or illegal

Did she love these sunny days?

Are they from her to try to cheer you?

I would do anything to help you right now

Be a voice in your life that tells you to take you time

Take your time

Dammit

You poor sweet soul

I swear I can feel you aching

Life’s truths are seldom sweet

These absolutes we cannot escape

Sometimes I feel I’m more the embodiment of the Universe’s pain than anything

But, one truth,

Love and its existence

I do not believe they are cruel

They are beautiful

That in this space that appears so be so volatile and chaotic

That love happened here

I cannot remove the pain

It is there because love exists

It is beautiful that we love so fiercely that we hurt with our entire being when our loved ones reach the end of their lives

That we feel their loss so tangibly in a world that would as easily forget them

That we carry in our hearts their memory through our lives

Pain is proof

I’m in pain all the time

So maybe I just get sentimental about pain that has a reason

But this pain in my heart when I think of Tanzy, or Supi, or Tiga, or Onyx, or any of the other dozen lives I’ve been blessed to care for

It wouldn’t be here if I didn’t love them

As unbearable as it is. It’s love.

I recognise this having loved many things with no where for the love to go

Breathe your breaths and feel it

Hold on to someone that won’t let you drown.

If you have someone

I don’t know if I will ever have someone to stop me from going under

But I hope you always will

Thinking of you

As one does when someone they care about loses someone

I really just want to be able to give you time

Pluck it from somewhere

Move everything that wants your presentable face out of your way until it feels like you can put it on without hurting your soul

I cannot say sorry enough

Even knowing sometimes sorry doesn’t fix anything

Tell you how I have wailed each time I’ve lost a piggy

My cats

I can’t remember farther back than that

I once treated animals like furniture

How I was taught to instead of how I wanted to

Desperately mirroring the world around me in a bid to trick it into thinking I was normal

So many regrets

And I don’t want you to come to a time down the road and realise you never got to process

Like I have so many times

Reality always demanding you be present when you’d rather hide

I need someone to talk to

I hope you have someone to talk to

And that you do

I know you probably want to shut down

I don’t know whether you’re the type to throw yourself into work or hide away physically

Maybe I’m imagining it

Still worried

Still thinking about you

Still wish I could work the world into a place where you could get some rest right now

When Tiga died I learned that some bonds don’t grow they just are and

I only had a few months with her

But even though it hurts still the thought of her wheek

How powerful it was

Brings a smile to my face

I will never forget the feeling when I came with veggies and one pig was missing

We don’t know what happened

Pet store genetics

I’m just glad she knew what a family felt like for the end of her life

I never worked through that death either because I had to look for work and deal with the EI and PWD debacle of 2023

Tigger moved in almost to the year I got Tiga

Whose full name was Tiger’s Eye

A piggy who needed a family

The distribution system knows

I’m ready for an animal companion that comes to me willingly

There’s something in the getting

The catching

I don’t like it

I feel like I’m infringing on their autonomy

Which I am

I love these little creatures though

They’ve taught me more about resilience and what family looks like than anything in my life

They showed me how many personalities can exist even in the tiniest of creatures

Each one as the same as they are different

Just like us

A billion billion lives just as the same as they are different

I’ve gained a lot of perspective

But I need someone in my life that wants to be with me

If that is a couple of cats so be it

Currently I’m making conversation with a wasp

They expanded my knowledge on just what life is

That it can’t just be me who is as alive as I am

Or just humans

Pets are amazing that way

If you truly know them

They teach you that humanity’s definition of “intelligent life” is flawed

That we’re not just not alone in our universe

We’re not alone on our planet.

I mean,

Who would want to be equated to a disabled person?

They’re like

Bottom of the barrel

Right?

Bottom of this game of snakes and ladders

Where the abled are the ones making the snakes

It feels gross

Like I feel gross

Like an LGBTQIA2S+ person just definitely went

“look I get what you’re saying, but I don’t want to be equated with a disabled person”

Haha

Universe how doth thou expect me to fill this proverbial cup of this is what comes to me?

How it feels to be placed here

And told no one is going to raise you up to the place where you belong

To be placed here and told you get what you need

I feel the Universe watching in this abject horror of things that happen within them

Gently altering things in ways I will never understand

But never really in control

That’s how I feel

Something put them here

Was it themselves?

I don’t know the answer to that

How can I fill your cup Universe?

I wish we could all just

Be happy and live forever here

Without the need to wish that there’s an afterlife where happiness will truly happen

Existence is fleeting

This locked into a place that in no way resembles my soul

I wish I could play out my fantasies of making some kind of change

Being involved

Helping people

People were mad that a person on the US food system thing had bought snacks and juice

Because after all how dare a human being try to buy things that they can enjoy? 2 meals a day and no snacks.

I said as much and someone said

Fine, you support them then

Would be if I could

If I had billions of dollars I would feed people

What the hell else would I do with it?

Stuck

All I want is to live comfortably

That’s it

Earth people know how to do that

But will only allow a select few to experience instead

Excess

And then call the poor leeches.

Yeah how dare those leeches take thousands of dollars?

But they have no ire for those with so much they will never use it in their entire life.

These humans confuse me

Somehow let me get to 10 years from now with a change

Would you believe I’ve been waiting all my life for the chance to enjoy it?

You’ll never know how hard I tried to enjoy it

They say “you got a raw deal”

I walked into this casino that is life not even knowing what it was

Lucky luck

I don’t have anything that could fix what he’s going through

When Supi died I wanted time to stop

I wanted my mind to stop playing me her final moments over and over

When I went to work and broke down crying they acted like I was being ridiculous and I felt shame for my grief

I locked it away

Telling other people around me to take their time grieving I just bore the moments of pain and had no one to talk to

I tried to make it go away

When my sister died I wanted time to stop

But I had to keep making the little money I do to keep living

And I am still not on the other side of this tunnel of grief

I want to go somewhere and wail my grief to the Moon

Where no one can hear me

I want none of this for him

I want him to be able to express his grief

Even if he wants to hide it away like so much other

I want him to have a safe place to cry

I don’t want him to cry

But sometimes we have to

Pets can be so ignored by their owners

Ending up as furniture that they just clean up after

So few get to experience the genuine love they have for their humans back

I said that the way people treat animals reflects their soul

Maybe that’s why my heart so stubbornly believes that under all the inaction lies a good person

Regardless

To love her from the moment you saw her to the last time you saw her in this Time

It’s powerful

It means something

She felt loved by you

She felt spoilt by you

I say these things with certainty

I have seen many a lost pet in my time

Always, my loves,

The pain is unbearable

But every moment leading up to that moment will come clean

There will be a time you won’t dance around their memory

As if it is too hot to touch

They lived because you loved

And they knew it and will watch over you

And when they think you’re ready they’ll send someone else for your amazing love to dote upon

Imagine the new friend the Universe is only thinking about now

Imagine them becoming real not just for themselves

But for you