Elucidating Questions

I don’t know what happens when we die

Nothing here seems to know the answer

Is the spirit as enduring as the wind?

As the water?

Does it find a way somehow in this place?

Others?

Is the only thing tying me to this place my body?

I don’t know

I don’t know what death is

Why it happens

We say sleep but it’s so permanent

And I thought nothing in the universe is permanent

How could death be?

And I see these spirits

Well

“see”

It’s not an eyes thing or a mind thing it’s just something

I can’t explain

But they’re there

They’re everywhere

I have to ignore them half the time to get by

I’m used to the spirits in this place

Not others

But

There nonetheless

A star collapses and explodes and makes tiny baby stars in its remains

At death will my soul shatter and fragment a thousand ways in which I tear myself assunder with all these needs that never got filled?

Will anyone see me?

Will I only be dead once they find me?

How many thousands of letters will I leave in my wake?

Thank the gods I’m not using paper and actual ink

3000 pages

They die but I feel them working in mysterious ways around me in the same way the universe does

Melissa warned me I was going to turn the bleach blue when I (without thinking) went to use a blue bag to try to keep the heat on the bleach in my hair earlier

I know when thoughts are me

It’s like an invasive thought but different

Like the thought happened outside my thought space and entered it

Have you ever wondered where thoughts are?

Like are they within your brain?

The brain itself must be its own universe because I don’t think these thoughts would fit there

Within “me“

Whatever me is

Electricity in my brain

Which I am never sure is me or not

Am I in my brain?

These are thoughts Sol

How does it feel to hear them all?

Maybe you only hear the ones that are talking to you

I wish I could meet all your friends

Death is scary but I do believe there is something after it

I want it to be a paradise I go to

But I have a feeling it is just one more thing I cannot fathom

And everyone here is alive

Earlier today I let out a little yell

Because dead things are around me all the time

And to past me I say, yes, but,

There is also so much life I cannot imagine it

Duality

Maybe I was on to something when I jokingly proclaimed Duo was the master of the universe

I didn’t know the word duality then

It’s absolutely everywhere

And yet so few things are binary

Such a curious place

I love it here

But I don’t understand why life has to be a struggle

I feel so at home

And so alien at the same time

Be grateful for the scraps

Be grateful that I have to rely heavily on my mother, as an adult, who isn’t even in that much better a position than I am

Be grateful my medication is $85

Be grateful that the government wants me to live in a room in the most filthy place in the city

You know what I’m grateful for?

That I don’t live in a badly taken care of room

I’m grateful that my landlord hasn’t raised the rent the entire time I have lived here

I am not grateful that I am the dirt under the government’s fingernails

I am not grateful that the vast majority of people view me as a leech on society

I am not grateful for this country founded on the bodies of slaves and indigenous peoples

I am not grateful that the government doesn’t take care of its weakest

What, you think this is as good as it gets?

Universe what the fuck

When I said yesterday that it was quiet I wasn’t asking for whatever this is

I don’t know, you figure it out, you’re the Universe

This incredible country

Where people go hungry

And without shelter

Where the billionaires play their little games

Can I have my boi back please?

That’s better

I cannot view a place that treats those with the least like they are any less than anyone else

As anything even resembling incredible.

And that fact that my aunt would come to the defense of the country that wants me dead makes me sick

It’s rude Sol

Kicking someone when they’re down and hitting out at the demons

Oh no don’t hurt the poor country’s feelings!

Fuck that, how many people are sitting on the side of the road right now?

How many people are hungry right now?

How many people have less than $5 in their bank accounts?

Shelter should be a right

Food should be a right

And incredible country would have everyone fed and housed that wanted to be.

And would love and care for those that didn’t

Medical needs met

If a human can make a trillion dollars then why can’t a country?

Why does money even have to exist?

Why can’t we nurture the brightest and come up with something new?

How many others have merely fallen through the cracks?

How sad

How sad

Why would I have to explain why a rape joke isn’t funny?

That’s not what I was expecting before breakfast

Humans

So far on the bingo for today we have

Delivery drivers should bake in the heat because I worked as a farmer/cook/roofer/other type of driver

And rape jokes

Damn Universe you woke up firey today

And that strange grey blob cloud is still there

Even though it’s windy down here

It would be a really funny joke if I was actually the only sane thing in the Universe

I suffered so you should too

What a thought

See I just want everyone to be here for this hellride because I don’t want to be alone

Not because I want them to suffer

But to think that because you felt pain others should too

We’re talking about queer things this month

Damn

Lower case queer

Not Queer

I just really like that word I don’t use it out loud

It was first introduced to me in a book to mean well

不思議な変な事

Language is so twisted in me

There are feelings attached

And my feelings are apparently Japanese

Good luck I’ve just fallen so far into myself here

But I don’t think I’m the worst person on the planet

Anymore

Look at the edges of it

Pulling

Fraying

Like this great grey tapestry

I want to paint colours on it

Humanity concerns me

Who knows what the actual majority of people are like

People who go into comments sections scare me but not every person does that

But are they the same?

As I pass these faces

Blurred lines

No real substance to anything

What is dreams and what is waking if I can’t remember anything?

Sorry I got lost for a moment

The sadness

I am afraid of this possibility that every relationship I enter into will end with them forgetting I exist

And not forgetting to trample me on the way out

I am brave

I want to get out of bed each day despite my body

Despite my mind

Despite my solitude

But these humans they can do anything up to and including kill you

I’m so paralyzed by my fear that I will

I will just end up hurt again

Or dead

Sol goes down

Night creeps in again

And I am alone again this eve

As many

Solitude or abuse

Why is that the choice?

Down this lonely one person path

I wish I had someone to hold on to at night

But I can’t even imagine what that person would be like

I feel like if I envision them I’m somehow imposing my impossibly high standards on someone

But when I let down those standards I was hurt

And it’s not like there’s any chance for a chance meeting

Someone would have to notice me

Can I even imagine someone noticing me?

Sol you’re going away again

We made it to one more Summer Solstice

Into the Winter we go I suppose

I wish I could reach him at a moment right now and just give him a nudge

Hey

It’s going to be okay

All these little things seem so big when we’re in them

And the big things seem unfathomable

This is a time of day I wish I could exist in for hours

I wish I could make some hours appear

Sweet man

How I wish I could give you a hug

I’m sorry I get loud when bad things happen

I have no idea what that’s about.

It is quiet today

I am quiet

I feel muted

The clouds hang heavy above

This weather more matches how I’ve been feeling inside

There has been a lot of loss this week

Not mine

I’ve been watching others say goodbye around me

To those I can reach I lend my voice, some words

This all good news June in which I have been watching other people get bad news all around me

In my life of no news

I can only feel their sadness meet the sadness within me

I wish to take their’s on

I wish I could protect all beings from pain

That love didn’t have to end

I have done another thing I shouldn’t have but apparently that’s okay

Sure, why not?

Maybe this sky will show him something beautiful

It’s not supposed to make you feel better

It’s supposed to remind you that the world is still beautiful

The first rainbow I saw after my sister died tore me apart

The reality that I was seeing this rainbow in a world without her

The reality that there was a last she’d ever seen

But then I saw the next

And the next

And the first I saw felt as deliberate as the one I saw yesterday

Sol grabbing my shoulder so I’d look up

I had gone to stand at the back door to smoke

But the wind fought me, so hard

So I turned around and went to go stand out the front of the garage that was open

There it was

And I will never forget that rainbow

But I don’t remember the one that followed

The beautiful simplicity came back

I saw so many rainbows over the last few months

I was so worried I’d never see one without crying again

Forced exposure by the weather

Thanks weather

I wonder if I should capitalise it

You don’t have to feel better

In fact I would almost rather you cry like I did

It took the edge off of the pain that had been drowning me

All that feeling

It needs to be felt

Dear the sky, you could rain

Just a suggestion

If you absolutely must obscure my sky, clouds, it’s the least you could do

Oh look the wind is back

How concerning

We could just ignore this strange ability to play with the weather.

Well the rain did happen

And then the Sun came out

A quiet day

My hair is currently the wind’s play thing

I wish someone would come see me

Besides these inhuman beings