Elucidating Questions

Beautiful human

I have a headache suddenly

The weather is clear

It’s hard when the weather betrays you

When you’re feeling dark and cloudy

But the Sun is out and everyone is talking about what a beautiful day it is

When the world can have a beautiful day without you

When it feels like you’re the only one in the gloom

I wonder how you’re doing

The silence is expected

But the worry

I wouldn’t dare demand your attention right now

I wish there was a way to forever know you’re okay

That’s not invasive or illegal

Did she love these sunny days?

Are they from her to try to cheer you?

I would do anything to help you right now

Be a voice in your life that tells you to take you time

Take your time

Dammit

You poor sweet soul

I swear I can feel you aching

Life’s truths are seldom sweet

These absolutes we cannot escape

Sometimes I feel I’m more the embodiment of the Universe’s pain than anything

But, one truth,

Love and its existence

I do not believe they are cruel

They are beautiful

That in this space that appears so be so volatile and chaotic

That love happened here

I cannot remove the pain

It is there because love exists

It is beautiful that we love so fiercely that we hurt with our entire being when our loved ones reach the end of their lives

That we feel their loss so tangibly in a world that would as easily forget them

That we carry in our hearts their memory through our lives

Pain is proof

I’m in pain all the time

So maybe I just get sentimental about pain that has a reason

But this pain in my heart when I think of Tanzy, or Supi, or Tiga, or Onyx, or any of the other dozen lives I’ve been blessed to care for

It wouldn’t be here if I didn’t love them

As unbearable as it is. It’s love.

I recognise this having loved many things with no where for the love to go

Breathe your breaths and feel it

Hold on to someone that won’t let you drown.

If you have someone

I don’t know if I will ever have someone to stop me from going under

But I hope you always will

Thinking of you

As one does when someone they care about loses someone

I really just want to be able to give you time

Pluck it from somewhere

Move everything that wants your presentable face out of your way until it feels like you can put it on without hurting your soul

I cannot say sorry enough

Even knowing sometimes sorry doesn’t fix anything

Tell you how I have wailed each time I’ve lost a piggy

My cats

I can’t remember farther back than that

I once treated animals like furniture

How I was taught to instead of how I wanted to

Desperately mirroring the world around me in a bid to trick it into thinking I was normal

So many regrets

And I don’t want you to come to a time down the road and realise you never got to process

Like I have so many times

Reality always demanding you be present when you’d rather hide

I need someone to talk to

I hope you have someone to talk to

And that you do

I know you probably want to shut down

I don’t know whether you’re the type to throw yourself into work or hide away physically

Maybe I’m imagining it

Still worried

Still thinking about you

Still wish I could work the world into a place where you could get some rest right now

When Tiga died I learned that some bonds don’t grow they just are and

I only had a few months with her

But even though it hurts still the thought of her wheek

How powerful it was

Brings a smile to my face

I will never forget the feeling when I came with veggies and one pig was missing

We don’t know what happened

Pet store genetics

I’m just glad she knew what a family felt like for the end of her life

I never worked through that death either because I had to look for work and deal with the EI and PWD debacle of 2023

Tigger moved in almost to the year I got Tiga

Whose full name was Tiger’s Eye

A piggy who needed a family

The distribution system knows

I’m ready for an animal companion that comes to me willingly

There’s something in the getting

The catching

I don’t like it

I feel like I’m infringing on their autonomy

Which I am

I love these little creatures though

They’ve taught me more about resilience and what family looks like than anything in my life

They showed me how many personalities can exist even in the tiniest of creatures

Each one as the same as they are different

Just like us

A billion billion lives just as the same as they are different

I’ve gained a lot of perspective

But I need someone in my life that wants to be with me

If that is a couple of cats so be it

Currently I’m making conversation with a wasp

They expanded my knowledge on just what life is

That it can’t just be me who is as alive as I am

Or just humans

Pets are amazing that way

If you truly know them

They teach you that humanity’s definition of “intelligent life” is flawed

That we’re not just not alone in our universe

We’re not alone on our planet.

I mean,

Who would want to be equated to a disabled person?

They’re like

Bottom of the barrel

Right?

Bottom of this game of snakes and ladders

Where the abled are the ones making the snakes

It feels gross

Like I feel gross

Like an LGBTQIA2S+ person just definitely went

“look I get what you’re saying, but I don’t want to be equated with a disabled person”

Haha

Universe how doth thou expect me to fill this proverbial cup of this is what comes to me?

How it feels to be placed here

And told no one is going to raise you up to the place where you belong

To be placed here and told you get what you need

I feel the Universe watching in this abject horror of things that happen within them

Gently altering things in ways I will never understand

But never really in control

That’s how I feel

Something put them here

Was it themselves?

I don’t know the answer to that

How can I fill your cup Universe?

I wish we could all just

Be happy and live forever here

Without the need to wish that there’s an afterlife where happiness will truly happen

Existence is fleeting

This locked into a place that in no way resembles my soul

I wish I could play out my fantasies of making some kind of change

Being involved

Helping people

People were mad that a person on the US food system thing had bought snacks and juice

Because after all how dare a human being try to buy things that they can enjoy? 2 meals a day and no snacks.

I said as much and someone said

Fine, you support them then

Would be if I could

If I had billions of dollars I would feed people

What the hell else would I do with it?

Stuck

All I want is to live comfortably

That’s it

Earth people know how to do that

But will only allow a select few to experience instead

Excess

And then call the poor leeches.

Yeah how dare those leeches take thousands of dollars?

But they have no ire for those with so much they will never use it in their entire life.

These humans confuse me

Somehow let me get to 10 years from now with a change

Would you believe I’ve been waiting all my life for the chance to enjoy it?

You’ll never know how hard I tried to enjoy it

They say “you got a raw deal”

I walked into this casino that is life not even knowing what it was

Lucky luck

I don’t have anything that could fix what he’s going through

When Supi died I wanted time to stop

I wanted my mind to stop playing me her final moments over and over

When I went to work and broke down crying they acted like I was being ridiculous and I felt shame for my grief

I locked it away

Telling other people around me to take their time grieving I just bore the moments of pain and had no one to talk to

I tried to make it go away

When my sister died I wanted time to stop

But I had to keep making the little money I do to keep living

And I am still not on the other side of this tunnel of grief

I want to go somewhere and wail my grief to the Moon

Where no one can hear me

I want none of this for him

I want him to be able to express his grief

Even if he wants to hide it away like so much other

I want him to have a safe place to cry

I don’t want him to cry

But sometimes we have to

Pets can be so ignored by their owners

Ending up as furniture that they just clean up after

So few get to experience the genuine love they have for their humans back

I said that the way people treat animals reflects their soul

Maybe that’s why my heart so stubbornly believes that under all the inaction lies a good person

Regardless

To love her from the moment you saw her to the last time you saw her in this Time

It’s powerful

It means something

She felt loved by you

She felt spoilt by you

I say these things with certainty

I have seen many a lost pet in my time

Always, my loves,

The pain is unbearable

But every moment leading up to that moment will come clean

There will be a time you won’t dance around their memory

As if it is too hot to touch

They lived because you loved

And they knew it and will watch over you

And when they think you’re ready they’ll send someone else for your amazing love to dote upon

Imagine the new friend the Universe is only thinking about now

Imagine them becoming real not just for themselves

But for you

I see you Universe

I see you carrying on the cup reference

But, tell me, where do I fill this cup from?

From the poison dripping on Loki?

With what?

My cup has been empty for years

I’ve just been continuing on in this post loss of whatever I was trying to do

I have begged for others to

And they don’t have to

Who cares if my cup is empty when they all have their own family members to fill their own cups

People other than me

No one owes me

Any of the things I need from people

See, that’s the sick part

You come into this world with needs and it’s no one’s job to fill them but your own

And social is a need but you can’t fill that on your own

But no one is required to help you

In fact

They will watch you drowning in solitary confinement for 10 years and say

“I’m sorry”

When you cry out because of it while continuing to do nothing

Ever an afterthought

Women whining about always being a bridesmaid

At least you have fucking friends whose weddings you’re involved in

And I am currently too preoccupied with the now not content critter

How you expect me to fill said cup

You haven’t said

Just continued the theme and said “but you have to fill yours first”

I hope he gets some sleep tonight

I feel the demons will be keeping me awake into the wee hours again

There’s something to be said about an individual with absolutely no reason to continue existing doing so anyways

I’m not sure if they’re words of pity or praise

Deliver unto me a reason

The reason can’t be what I want it to be

They say it’s a chapter in my life

If I get to the end of the next decade and I’m still living like this I’ll apply for MAID

I’ll just give up

Maybe setting an expiry date for this agony will make it easier to bear

10 years as of my birthday

I feel a sadness that this is all my life was

33 years of pointlessness

But maybe it’s a blessing that the government wants people like me to disappear

Because I can