Elucidating Questions

Why does alcohol that’s not a mixed drink in a bar have to taste so rank?

Okay, maybe, just maybe

Because it’s poison

Fine

Here’s to just the right amount of poison

Is my planet boyfriend coming back sooner than I thought, I will dance

I will see him and dance for him

Beautiful ring’ed beauty

In my perfect world the stars would be out now

I just had enough to drink that it’s fine

He’ll never know about all the inbetween anyways

I will go drink some water because some mother like presence is badgering me about it

Yes I did only drink about a cup of water and then two monsters and then alcohol

I swear I wouldn’t take care of myself at all if I didn’t constantly have these somethings reminding me

All I want is a good time

Not to be paralyzed by fear by yet another uncomfortable conversation

I have nothing to offer anyone but they’re constantly taking from me anyways

I wish there was a way for there to be balance and for me to have friends

At least friends

It tasted awful but I feel okay

As little as my okay is

I say I’m okay and people expect I’m okay as in a regular person’s okay

How wrong they are

How many years will go by before I say hello to someone and they stay?

Without taking several pieces of me and walking away

It was just time to say fuck it

Everyone else has something to take the edge of the day away

Today was a lot

This headache

My manager quiting

I knew it was coming, but, fuck

The conversation with the guy

Justin?

I can’t just be a bottomless dumping ground for people’s shit

Okay?

I am running

Like I’m not even running on E

Or fumes

I don’t even know how I’m running

I’ve been running

I’ll keep running

But damn

I feel better except the headache

Mind I’m on a couple medications that shouldn’t be mixed

Ah well

Would I prefer to have a person to see and talk with and hold on to for a bit?

Yeah

Am I going to poison myself just enough to feel pretend good for a bit instead?

Yeah, yeah I am

It’s not a problem unless I make it a problem

I wish I knew

But I never will

I wish I could just drown myself in alcohol

But I won’t

I wish I could just fade into a sleep that is more than this life has been

It feels so pointless sometimes, to continue

I’ll say fuck it instead

There is a reason why I’m living

Whatever isn’t living must have not been enough

So I’m fairly sure the afterlife has been built up

So shouldn’t life be good?

Shouldn’t we strive to make every life we can, be good?

Not knowing if he’s okay

Well, I’m here

So, wanting to be

Us

We want something better

But hypothetically this is better than whatever I was before because I became this

Right?

This song would come on now

Oh, I won’t ever become an adult

Or anything

Maybe the love that changes the world is something that happens to someone else

I’m trying to find you but they won’t tell me

I feel like you’re across from me

Well, my Death

How I wish to see you

I can’t wait to have you on my skin

Well all of them sometime

I guess I have to get the rest of them in 10 years

Will I meet you?

Are you the one who comes into my dreams every night?

How to find you

You’ve allegedly moved

My go to started being forever upside down

Things always become strange

Existing in this Universe must just be strange

Maybe that’s what drew me to it

I want to see you again

Look out into space together some more

Anxious for the day you light my eyes again with your bright recycled glow

I will write you on my skin and carry you with me

And that way I won’t forget you

Not that I’d ever really forget you

How strange that we exist here

It’s totally fine that I’m having my first drink in years immediately following a conversation with a person about drugs and alcohol

I got this

It’s whatever

That wasn’t a poem that was me yelling at the gods

Regodless

Get it

I wish I had the ability to help every person that came to me

Just do one thing to help them

Sol

They fiddles with shit

Somehow there has been a piece of couch fuzz attached to me all day

When I pulled this out of the washing machine basket

Mysteries

I swear this is just a very strange place

My mind goes to him

Like like a bird flying south

Or like something trying to reform itself

Without thinking

It’s impossible to know when to be and when not to

I don’t know why I feel nervous

The not reading one

Just for you to smile for a moment

Maybe you don’t find it funny

Who knows

I feel like I just ran a mile

It’s hard to show your best face when there is a headache

But it feels better now

I am trying to love

I want to see somebody who sees me who doesn’t leave within a year who isn’t going to get me back to spending my nights blitzing my brains away

Okay?

Remember when I was really specific and nothing happened?

Make up all of your minds

Lots of deep breaths

My heart can’t take this

Someone take care of me for this once

I’m sick of being some random guy’s conversation about really uncomfortable things

See me

Oh how I want to scream

Even when I’m right in front of people they don’t see me

I don’t want to be invisible anymore

But I’ve said that so many times

I’m so scared this is all I’ll ever be

Some person’s random conversation

Help

Thank you

Hermes

Yes you

A long conversation about drugs and being high and cocaine and crack and

Deep breath

This headache

Did he see?

Regardless

Hermes wtf was that shit you dong?

Don’t yourself

Trigger the rose

I’m putting in my headphones

I did have enough

I tried

I’m sorry it’s never enough

I feel now like a wrung towel

No

Absolutely not

He’d better not

I’ll come kill him twice

Trying not to want it

Have I ever wanted it

That was a lot

Those who’ve slipped

There is too much for me to even begin to heal from a half hour conversation

Hello little fly

Why do you use me as random human’s sounding boards?

Love somebody yourself you fucking

Yeah somebody

God, how thick are you anyways?

Somebody

Do I ever regret not being specific when I say what I want to see?

I don’t know,

Ask me ten minutes ago when he was going on about crack and cocaine

Stop sending me people I have to take care of I can’t take care of myself

No I can’t fix him no I can’t change him no no no fuck off!

I am exhausted you

Blow away why don’t you

I am exhausted

Demand more from me later

God damned taking everything literally and someone is always a job for me to do

腹が立つ

My stomach is ablaze

He was not the problem

He was simply a soul who needed love

You all meddling meddlers

It’s fine

I’m fine

Just walking around in a daze

Barely here

You hear them singing about wanting to become ghosts

I am one

It’s not that great

I think there are times people notice me

Like how you’d notice a ghost

I drain from people’s minds like there is a spell on me

And unless eyes are on me I cease to exist

Impermanent

Sometimes I feel like I should have succeeded in killing myself

Because then they’d notice I’m gone

They don’t care about me as long as I’m “fine”

There was a time I wished I’d have cancer so people would notice me

Instead of thinking about how twisted it is for someone to wish they had cancer

Instead think of how lonely someone would have to be to wish actual death on themselves for just a moment of attention

How desperate for anything

But why does the choice have to be invisibility or abuse?

Why is this my choice?