Elucidating Questions

It is quiet today

I am quiet

I feel muted

The clouds hang heavy above

This weather more matches how I’ve been feeling inside

There has been a lot of loss this week

Not mine

I’ve been watching others say goodbye around me

To those I can reach I lend my voice, some words

This all good news June in which I have been watching other people get bad news all around me

In my life of no news

I can only feel their sadness meet the sadness within me

I wish to take their’s on

I wish I could protect all beings from pain

That love didn’t have to end

I have done another thing I shouldn’t have but apparently that’s okay

Sure, why not?

Maybe this sky will show him something beautiful

It’s not supposed to make you feel better

It’s supposed to remind you that the world is still beautiful

The first rainbow I saw after my sister died tore me apart

The reality that I was seeing this rainbow in a world without her

The reality that there was a last she’d ever seen

But then I saw the next

And the next

And the first I saw felt as deliberate as the one I saw yesterday

Sol grabbing my shoulder so I’d look up

I had gone to stand at the back door to smoke

But the wind fought me, so hard

So I turned around and went to go stand out the front of the garage that was open

There it was

And I will never forget that rainbow

But I don’t remember the one that followed

The beautiful simplicity came back

I saw so many rainbows over the last few months

I was so worried I’d never see one without crying again

Forced exposure by the weather

Thanks weather

I wonder if I should capitalise it

You don’t have to feel better

In fact I would almost rather you cry like I did

It took the edge off of the pain that had been drowning me

All that feeling

It needs to be felt

Dear the sky, you could rain

Just a suggestion

If you absolutely must obscure my sky, clouds, it’s the least you could do

Oh look the wind is back

How concerning

We could just ignore this strange ability to play with the weather.

Well the rain did happen

And then the Sun came out

A quiet day

My hair is currently the wind’s play thing

I wish someone would come see me

Besides these inhuman beings

I do not like to think about the fact that this is the beginning of the Sun going away again even though I said he was too close

Again as I always do

He comes back though

As long as I am he will be with me

The poor guy

He’s on my mind

I want to just cheer him on

Tell him to just get through this moment

Another moment follows

Random chest pain

I’ve had to put up with so much in my life and I am trying so hard to not be someone that other people have to put up with

I may very well be incredibly understanding

But that doesn’t really get you places

Being nice doesn’t get you places

I’d still rather be

I’d still like to be noticeable though

Maybe this is my purgatory and I already lived my life

Maybe I was awful

I still think punishing me for things I cannot remember doing is fucked up

But who knows how it works?

I miss Venus

I miss Jupiter

My evening friends

This lack of object permanence

They’re literally all around and I still feel alone

Maybe I am selfish afterall

Needing to see people to feel loved

I don’t know

But if I have to live with only ever seeing people in my dreams

I just wonder why I bothered being born at all

I am speechless

I told you to send him a rainbow

And it’s gone

The most magnificent thing I’ve ever seen

Yes just yesterday I had the thought

He won’t see a rainbow if it’s not raining

As per usual the weather said hold my beer

I’m sitting in the backyard doing awful things

And the Sun comes in over my shoulder

And I look up

And around him, though he is out of sight

Was the most brilliant rainbow wrapped halfway

The colours I just saw

Like the rainbow was on fire

The dust of clouds that were hanging around were already being dissipated as I stared

The rainbow was right over my head

I will gladly send it to him

But that wasn’t the point

Show him a rainbow

So all that morning of wasted energy and being an adult about my nose stud breaking

That was worth it

If everything in my day that went sideways was so that could happen

Damn boy you are one sexy ball of fire wtf else have you been hiding from me?

Fire rainbows?

I accept.

You strange firey blob

I took this picture just as it was disappearing

What a wonder this world is.

People need to learn how to deal with inconvenience

Went to the piercing shop to pick up my piercing and it broke

So I did not get my jewelry today

Poor girl was bracing for the worst

Yes I did just waste an hour and a half on the bus

Yes I am ill and this is a lot

Yes I am disappointed

No one said “well I guess this means you wasted your deposit”

Yeah?

I will get it eventually

Bollocks it couldn’t be today

But that’s not the poor girl’s fault

Things happen

Things happen

I have worked my years in servitude

If anything I hope that our interaction

Where everything that could have gone wrong did (the head piercer had not been able to make it in either)

Was a bright spot in her day

People need to understand that sometimes shit doesn’t go your way

Sometimes you waste your entire 15 minute break on standing in line at your own store’s register because the cashier they put on to cover you is new and slow

Shit happens

There are very few things that make me want to speak to a superior

Cashiers can be as surly as they want as long as they don’t outright insult me

It’s a shit and thankless job

Yeah, I’m disappointed

And exhausted

I’m sad

It was so pretty and then it broke

And I’m sad that it broke

I am

But my sadness is not her responsibility

It’s mine

My emotions at the situation are second to the comfort of the people around me

Walk Idiot Walk comes on

Thank you for translating my softness into my blunt feelings lol

Customers need to check themselves.

Poignant

That there’s no you

That it’s just the music

When I would ache to hear your voice

The absence

In the absence

My devices were left to me for so long I now am them

She’s at the end of this song

Walking

I wish you could feel how I feel

I’d tell you all the things that I don’t do for myself that you should do

Been wandering so long in this blur

What time does it become if the time never comes?

Am I to imagine my entire life?

Is this going to be my entire life?

On my mind

Not a surprise

Like I said right now you’re allowed

Even if I’m bad news

Even if that’s all I am

The guitar feels otherwise

Hope never dies in Astoria

My Astoria

Missed you but knew what it was

I would send you a thousand melodies

So you could find the right one for this moment

I’ll create by myself for a while

You can take a break

I want my starry sky back

I wish I could send you this moment though

The world mostly quiet except for the speeding cars I can hear flying around town

Please note it is not attractive that I can hear cars

You seriously don’t need to make that much noise

But

Anyways

The last birds of the night are giving their final performance

I still don’t know if birds chirp and dawn and dusk to welcome and say goodnight to the Sun or if they are practicing some religious behaviour of trying to call the Sun back

And rejoicing when it comes

I wonder what they know of the world that I do not

The stars are slowly punching their marks through the sky

Day bleeding into night again

The star I cannot convince myself is Polaris is bright at the top

Arcturus burns

One single light traveling through the sky

A little machine

So much farther up can I can imagine

When humans do not intervene this is a quiet time

Instead I hear them gathered around me again laughing and making conversations with people

It must be nice to laugh for real

I don’t think I’ve laughed for real in over a year

Always laughing instead of being in pain

Nothing genuinely funny

Hahaha another day of people expecting me to know what they want without telling me.

I feel my alone-ness most right now

Solitary confinement

Something is crashing through the bushes

I feel alone

In this world

But

For a moment I am caught up in trying to figure out where those lights are coming from in the sky

Mysteries I will never solve

I wish I could give you this quiet aloneness

Just the moment

Instead I continue down this path of solitude

Who knows what I’m here for?

9 years and 7 months

I set a timer for my life

What happens now is up to fate