Elucidating Questions

I’m drinking again

Maybe I’ll just start again

Why did I stop?

This is the best I’ve felt all day

If you’re going to subject me to the sounds of people being together

And and tell me people are going to Vancouver

To go enjoy themselves

She said

I haven’t been to a concert in a while

I thought hoot hoot-

He’ll never come here

Do you know I actually bothered to check the tour locations this time?

He wouldn’t even allow me the possibility

I wish I could be as worthy of being seen as he is

How many people besides me think of him enough to say hi in a day?

Even so

Nothing

I want to drink until I can’t remember anymore

Who cares if I kill my liver I’ll be dead in 10 years anyways

Hanging on for nothing

Literally nothing

Why did I have to think of him?

I’m sure I’ll come crawling back

Say some sweet thing

That I mean until I realise that the number of sweet things I’ve said versus heard is

Why am I kind to these beings?

傷だらけで

Without being wanted

I pretend the silence is kindness

Just like with him

Ah

I don’t want to follow a disinterested man around the internet trying to get his attention again

I wonder how he’s doing

He’d probably hate me now

I loved him most

Unattainable

But it’s not as if there really is an “attainable”

There never was

I just pick the most unattainable

チャレンジ好きか

Maybe I just like to put my heart through pain

Even so

I want to

You may never hear me screaming but I want to

One more time before I’m gone I want to set my eyes upon your form

For whatever reason

My heart is set on it

Won’t you come back here just once?

If I live I’m being selfish

Doing nothing but taking up resources

The slim chance that my death would mean anything

Is the only real chance I can see

It’s one I have to take right?

Well, there is time

I suppose I don’t have to think of it now

Why do you insist on continue?

From that moment as well

Even though the universe was saying do it

The Universe and all the others

My would be guides for the next year

Could it have all happened by chance?

No, the Timing

I remember feeling fear when I gripped the doorknob and it wouldn’t turn

While I cried for you I was so afraid

That you would come

Pressed right up against the door

Wouldn’t it be lovely if that was real life

That you would be here without the need for it

The trouble is finding something to fill these ten years with

At this rate the depression is going to kill me first

But they’ll let it

I bet they’ll try to stop me from doing it

So intent on keeping me here in this suspended state

I do not believe we were born to suffer

But that is all I’ve really known

Knowing the last time I was beautiful enough to be noticed I was 9ish

And it wasn’t consensual

Knowing every time since then has been nothing

That I would just fade into nothing

It started

The suffering

And then it never stopped

In my wildest dreams I have enough money to buy food when I’m hungry

Oh body I wish you would just go

Just do the things this disgusting society demands of you so I could

I don’t know, suffer while complying

I don’t know

I don’t fucking know

You’re born and they begin the demands

Go to school

Do your homework

We’re going to teach you to never let anyone touch you in a bad place, but then supercede that with “don’t ever question a person of authority”

You know I

I want to go one day without there being some demand of me

I tried so hard to follow all their stupid demands that I tied myself up and away because I didn’t fit

If I’m owed nothing then I owe you nothing

そう言う事にしようか

I poured myself out and made myself such strange shapes for this place

Never again

But what am I to do?

People have to see it somehow

It comes back to me, that fact

I wanted to see him

You’d think I’d have found a way to make that happen

It’s okay if I have to die alone

But, please, is there not one human on this planet who will stand by me?

I had these dreams as a child of taking care of people

This is the only way you’ve shown me

Why do you continue

It seems like such a waste that I was put here to struggle

And suffer

Meeting the daylight has become harder

In my dreams, even if it’s just me a thousand times, I talk to people

I have friends and people who are interested in me

Even if in my dreams I now have these moments where I panic because I don’t have my walker

Reality slipping in

Even if the dreams are unsettling

There’s still someone to talk to

And in my dreams I have plans and I go out and I do things

My dream city has better shops than the real one

And as my heart seeks Japan

I am there in my dreams and it’s just how it is

Even if I have to live with the old man and woman

Even if usually one of them dies

It’s better than waking up here

I am here

Where I’ll always be

Until someone comes to get me

Dreaming of someone to come and rescue me from this endless solitude

On the bright side I have toilet paper again

Think positive, right?

Going without things is required of me by my wonderful government who can do no wrong

Positive

It feels like they’re laughing at me when they say it

Like my hours of solitary confinement didn’t happen

Like I’m making it all up and being ridiculous

Pointing at me and telling me I’m missing some great happiness that is in my life

Like I’m blind to it

Even though I’ve been desperately searching for something to make my life worth living

Even though the last time I was going to kill myself I brought three lives into mine to force me to stay

Like I haven’t tried hard enough to stay

This is a dark place

Where I am right now

I feel like the people who would miss me only would miss me if I was gone

No one’s coming in a rush to be by my side when the darkness creeps in and the sadness is all I taste

And it doesn’t matter what I feel

There is no support running to my side

I guess I have a walker now

Maybe I just need to figure out how to buy one for my soul

I’m here

Incomplete

I think I felt most complete when I was standing on stage

But that’s not the way it went

I didn’t get to keep being on stage

Constantly trying to fill this hole in me

They all tell me that I should think positively

At least the Sun will be there for me in the morning

Even though no one else will be

And everyone else has someone else

All these people I know

All with someone

I don’t think I would be fixed by love

But it couldn’t hurt, right?

I thought love was a good thing but the Universe won’t let me experience it

Not beyond the light of the Sun

How it feels to be told to just be happy with the light of the Sun

The only thing promised

And even then

Anything could happen

Maybe that old angry man really was throwing another one

Who knows

It’s so hard to be content with living like this for another 10 years

But the days they become just a sequence of revolutions

Maybe it will be faster than I know

I feel sorry for the me that has to face their death head on

It had been a while since that cold truth had looked me in the face

If I don’t die there’s no meaning for any of it

The meaning it started out having it never met

Now there’s no way to make the words love unless I am not here to explain them

People have to be searching for a reason why I’m dead to find it

How many sacrifices will this society claim?

Are we better than any civilization that committed ritual sacrifice?

Ripening up our chosen lambs

Disabled people and those unhoused

Waiting until they’re ready to be erased

For the good of society

An interesting choice

I wonder if the gods find us more filling than any other sacrifice

It’s sad because I think of how many people died for society to get better and it never did

I wish I could see a shooting star

To wish on that Death will meet me with a smile anyways

It’s a mixing of messages

Society tells me to do it

Because there’s no other way

Yet you’re all there saying continue

Always continue

From here?

What do you expect me to do from here?

I am cornered

What else can I do?

It’s funny

I understand Jesus

The only way to possibly make my website famous is to die and for it to be public

The only way any of my words are going to get out is if I die with a bang

Otherwise I’ll always be invisible and no one will come looking for answers why

I knew it

That day

That I had to kill myself

But I didn’t do it

And look at these horrors

Unless I die no one will read anything I write

It won’t become well known unless I die

I know I’ve been in overtime

At least before I went I wanted to

Just once

Set my gaze on the person I love most

I know that no matter how I struggle I have to give in eventually or no one will ever notice I was here

Isn’t that sick?

So let me have my 10 years

17 years overtime

Let me have it and torture me as you will so it will make a bigger story for everyone to see after I’m gone

3000 times I begged this world to be better for me

I tried so hard for this place

I really thought I was being a good and useful citizen

But now all I am is a bug to be squished

Just put me through my torture and let me go

I’m scared

But the prospect of there being someone on the other side waiting for me

Who actually wants me

Who doesn’t think of things as owing and not owing

And knowing that the only way I’ll ever make a difference is if I die

I know

Somehow I’ve always known