Elucidating Questions

It’s not a shock

Being told by people who are apparently my neighbours that I should accept poverty

When I can’t afford my heart medication I will remember that no one owes me anything

Not even life

What a sick society

No wonder the wind howls these days

Blow it all away then

Make them all as poor as me and see how they feel

It should be chilling

To be told that my own country doesn’t owe me my life

Then why did it bother birthing me?

I’m going to bring you into a world of demands

But never hear any of yours

Starve for all I care and if you become disabled don’t come crying to us

I don’t care if you wanted to be a functioning member of society and tried so hard and got so far and in the end it didn’t FUCKING MATTER

None of it fucking mattered

All those days I worked 12 hour shifts for the good of my company

All those hours spent in college and university that were supposed to send me to Japan

I watched it all melt away into nothing

And people tell me to be more positive

I want to die

I don’t want to die

These words spin on a wheel and it could be anything

Hold me together Sol

And you do

Like you’re singing a song just for me

In your light I want to live

These people they don’t care if I live or die

I’m just a leech on their precious and perfectly functioning support system

If my country and all these people I worked my ass off for

Because they demanded it of me

Owe me nothing then I owe them the same

My birth was not a contract to be a thoughtless, heartless, soulless, drone for my country

Fuck Canada

They say I only focus on the negative

As usual

Heh

Would I be here if I really did that?

Sol?

Who from I am hiding

Hermes?

The good things are only available for a select few

That except the light of the Sun

His recycled light from these gems

If I didn’t forget it sometimes I would go crazy again

More

I have to find beautiful moments

Actually what I want is to share these moments with the world

Teach them all to be small for a moment

Be embraced by the Sun

I want every person to have the same chance at good moments

I am nothing

But that’s not really a problem

I want better for everyone

Everyone’s always so stressed and angry and upset and going from one disaster to another

I don’t understand why they look around and see paradise

I don’t understand why they don’t talk to the wind

I don’t understand why they see this planet and see only land and resources

Or why they choose to let some people suffer

It’s like I live in a much larger version of Omelas. Where everyone else’s enjoyment in society is requiring suffering, hurting, abused people

And how I wish I could walk away from it

How I wish I could see the wretch in the dark room and walk some path away to somewhere different

All paths still lead to this

This doubled existence of a “good citizen” and a screaming revolutionary

Someone take my unknown words and make people read them

Everyone’s unknown pleading words

Begging this society to change

Oh they roar around me

イタズラしないでね

Always saying such heavy things

You be someone

See I learned that in this world it is impossible to be someone unless you are seen

And I am a ghost walking a tightrope of tiny joys surrounded by the spectre of my depression

And the only one who’s going to save me from that is the Sun

The only one who sees me

Water pouring

Has to be one of the best sounds

And if the wind wanted to blow some of it at me I would not object

That moment

A few days back

With the rainbow

That only happened because I was in an exact place

The Sun was in an exact place

And the clouds were in an exact place

I recognise this as I see the shadow of the shed is too long for me to have seen such a thing from that place now

How is it that I’m always in the right place at the right time for celestial beings to do things but never humans?

Celestial being timing

No human timing

I see shooting stars

And other things

Lights that showed up in space and grew and grew and then slowly ebbed away into the darkness again

Wondering what on Earth is that?

Except it wasn’t on Earth it was somewhere far away

Those unmoving lights that grow out of the darkness

This Universe wants so much for there to be light within it

Growing and reaching out into the darkness

But with people

I don’t meet anyone by chance

No one that isn’t fleeting

Universe I am here and I see you

I do, all these beautiful pieces of you

But someone

Of the person variety?

Ah this water is wasteful

It sounds beautiful, but it is just pouring

Like my soul

Yes thank you Hermes

What a wonderful place this could be

I have had good timing for the sake of others

Remember when I was a teenager and thinking about my person just for me?

I pity them

I pity that this is that child’s life

My inner child

I would protect everyone else’s but don’t ask about mine they are

They never really existed

There is nothing to protect

The dreams of my youth died long ago

Like my heart the wind is howling

I stopped believing that happiness is what this Universe intended for me

Only now this hope lives on, begging

But within my heart I know this is how my life will be

Because this is all I’m worth

Well

She’s with him and she’s playing with his hair

And suddenly he’s the Wolf

And then it’s a wonder he was my type

One of my few

It’s a wonder

They really are both me except I have nothing

Seven and Eight

There is a raven riding the waves of the wind

Oh I needed to walk away from that

I know all too well the feeling of letting your body be used because you’re desperate

And he’s pretty

And I mean after that I don’t even

The next one definitely wasn’t pretty

At least her next one is pretty

We diverge

And I don’t know the rest of the story

But this anime Midsummer Night’s Dream

I wonder if what more I’ll see of me

Won’t someone softly connect?

Softly

I’m a walking pain cushion today

No I did not spell that wrong

I am a cushion of pain

No I don’t think I will trust myself with anyone again

It’s not worth it

I have to be worth more to myself than risking that

Being nothing but hurt

I’ll take the physical pain

I try to

But the emotional

I have to wonder what I’m doing to take so much of this

Looking back

I have had a few moments were I’ve felt like everything up until then has been worth it

None since the Wolf walked into my life

Desperately lonely

I wouldn’t wish this fate on anyone

Always alone, lonely

Being spooked by ghosts from my past

Random human: laugh reacts a well thought out comment with no added context

Me: okay sure I’ll play, I’m bored laugh reacts one of their posts

Random human: laugh reacts one of my posts

Okay, I’m bored now. However, curious what he laughed at

And it’s a funny post

Huh?

Okay

People are weird

I think that people who laugh react as a like “I’m laughing at you” way

Or laugh react and don’t explain what’s so funny

Are just kind of cowards

I laugh reacted when a Christian said

History, current events, and scripture prove you wrong

When I said Christian “he will forgive me”ism opened the door and welcomed in thousands of years of carnage by Christians

But I then explained, you are being so incredibly impossible not to react to

It’s just that you know that they’re trying to cause hurt with it

That was legitimately funny

I don’t know what they get out of it either

It’s fine not to understand them I suppose

It’s fine

I don’t tend to understand much of anyone

American prosperity, eh?

I don’t see it

This is what happens when other people’s music is playing

Sometimes seeing beautiful people hurts

And I don’t know why

I would have wanted something like that

Some beside them life

Not parallel

And instead I have this device to live with

And this internet

My own devices

My own devices and my own devices

And with my devices and my devices I continue to have nothing

I wonder how many people with more than me believe they have less?

Twisted desire

Laugh reacts

It doesn’t really bother me other than the not knowing why

So much not knowing why in my life

I await your arrival

Stalking you through the sky waiting

Oh why can’t it be two weeks from now?

I’m sure you’ll have risen by then

The you who I associate with him

Afterall

It was only after I sought you that he appeared

Repetitive as it is

To see you

It’s worth it to see someone

Even if it is my own sick brain giving me someone to love

Even if

I can’t believe I went through my entire life not knowing I could see you

And him

Oh how many times have I set eyes on you not knowing?

There’s no way I could forget

You keep reminding me

Seen into this strange canon of mine

Are you all?

Or just a moment?

Is it all just a moment I wonder

Yes, so many questions

Always so many questions

And you unanswering ones

The humans are celebrating a country that shouldn’t be celebrated

On the other side of the world there’s them

Having both of you at once is probably some foreboding thing

At either horizon

Ah

I trouble myself with these things because I have no one to trouble myself with

Will I know the answers in you?

In some other place?

I wonder what he’s doing

I can’t even imagine

I can’t imagine a life with people all the time

That love and admire you

I can’t even imagine myself a beat friend

It’s a wonder I haven’t made up some

Haha

This nothing existence

I wish I had a sliver of what they all do

Someone who would let me cry

Someone I feel safe crying with

Why can’t you just accept that my life is hell and not try to tell me to look on the bright side constantly?

I wish every person who told me to look on the brightside had to live through this

No I don’t

I would wish this strange solitary confinement on only my worst enemies

And then I’d feel guilty halfway through and rescue them probably

This nothing me

So afraid of The Nothing

As soon as you think of it it’s not nothing for a moment

And then you forget and it becomes that unfathomable thing

Nothing again

Goodnight dear Sol

Hermes

Maybe the reason you show me so many shooting stars is that you feel sorry for me

I’ve wished on every one

Wishes don’t come true

My wishes don’t come true