Elucidating Questions

It’s hard, you know

Because I love all these alive beings

All these things around me

And I want to love people

I want to love humanity

I’m desperate to, in fact

A more innocent me would have

They know not what they do

Is truly humanity’s greatest lie

That they don’t

But there is so much good within them

They create beautiful things

Even terrible ones

And I wish to think that they could let that good prevail within them

But history

I wish I was ignorant to it all

That I could just blindly love humanity

I’ve let too many people disappoint me too many times though

Can’t let them in

Maybe it’s better I just observe from afar

I can’t live it up if they don’t include me

Not planning on stopping

Nope just getting up and continuing on as usual

I wonder what they’ll do if I don’t?

Stop thinking so muchっか

Maybe if there was something making me stop think?

I have 15 hours a day to myself what the hell else am I going to do?

Stop telling me to do things I already figured out it’s useless to try doing without there being someone to lean on?

I want to love them

It’s not like I don’t consider every person another person

I think I miss human contact and then they’re sharp

For now

Go on singing little bird

This love song for Earth

Maybe someone will hear it someday

I don’t know how I keep the sadness inside

It feels as if it’s constantly pouring from me

I know they don’t see it

No one ever sees this little light of mine shining alone in the dark

Why do people think Japanese is hard to speak?

This language that poured itself into me and made itself home

I’ve heard people say I’m appropriating Japanese culture by learning and speaking Japanese but

I didn’t choose this language

It chose me

From some distant piano teacher who I cannot remember the face of having us say

サヨナラ

At the end of the day

To the friend’s big sister years later teaching me only swear words and how to say

ウルサイ!

バカ

It just came to me

And then I couldn’t help but learn it

It just came to me

A crow caws fate

Yes like it

The language

Itself is alive and chose me for it

Maybe languages are alive

After all is Latin not, at least mostly, dead?

It always spoke to my soul

As I learned the words

Their true meanings in the language

Ask me to translate anything and I’m lost

But I know what I’m saying in Japanese

And I know what they’re saying too

I studied French

Quebecois

And in it came and out it went

Japanese stays with me

I don’t know what that means

I worked hard, but in the end it was hardly work

It’s fun to work hard when there’s a reward for it

My reward was a world opening up

That now I’ll hear a song from years ago that I used to sing, but didn’t know what I was saying

And now I understand it

What a thing

To know what things say, to understand people

In something other than your mother tongue

To come to know parts of it better than you own

English feels like it’s mine and I can do whatever I want with it

But I feel like a vessel carrying something important

Something worth working hard at

Maybe other people have languages that choose them

Maybe someone feels the same way about English

Like it’s a precious thing they’re carrying

Oh

It’s empty

Sure I’d written something

So desperate to be real

I’ll do anything to be real

I don’t know what it’s for?

Look I can sing too?

Not really

Look I try my best to sing too

Is there a world where we’re sitting together right now?

I want to prove I’m worthy

Look can’t you see I’m worthy?

That’s funny, you see

But really if he feels unworthy of anything

What could I possibly be?

I know it’s not like he’s any freer than me

I have tried very hard to be worthy of someone

Never wondering if anyone is worthy of me

Well, I mean, I’m not exactly special

I don’t shine as bright

Do you think I’m worthy of

Don’t even let me say it

There’s a murder going on over there

Caw caw caw

I want to say

Then why?

But you

You couldn’t possibly

Not from there

I suppose you’re all watching

I did all the tricks

No they weren’t tricks

And it wasn’t as if I did anything expecting rewards

Acknowledgement though

Someone else to reinforce that I am here

This life I lead was not meant to be

My existing parallel to humanity while within humanity

You wouldn’t draw me this conclusion on purpose right?

Fates

Twisted

I threw a wish in the well

And the sky

And every thing inbetween that I could wish on

But this solitude didn’t end

I tried so hard to please everyone I didn’t begin to know myself until after I’d lost myself entirely

That we died on that day

It’s not unnecessary

Oh yeah?

Yes I continue to carry all this weight

I don’t know how to put it down anymore

Did we not die when we went down deep into the depth?

Gentle smile

Oh curse you it makes me smile too

Preoccupied and upset by existence

Yet exist

I wish I could have taken it from you instead

I would have traded my life for yours

Believe me

I am lost

Stepped off the beaten path and just

I have one number

And I keep calling that number, but there’s no answer

And following my heart just left me with nothing to show

I don’t know why this is the number

So many watchers

Do something you puffin

I don’t know why that’s an insult

I’m not giving it another try I’m giving up

Yes, you all seem to find my swearing cute

Like I’m a barking Chihuahua

Which I suppose I am

In comparison to you

I will, you know

Not give up, but cuss all the way

I just don’t know what you expect of me then

I suppose I won’t know until then

So concerned with the future

Just give in to the gravity and spin

I would love for my words to meet eyes

For all of this to mean something

For anything to

He won’t answer

He never does

I really do want to know

I don’t ask questions I don’t want the answer to

Even if I hate the answer

I wonder how anyone ever thought this place was anything other than limbo

I feel mute right now but no one is around to see it

Like all the things I want to say are trapped

Like there’s no point in saying the same thing a slightly different way when no one is reading it

I thought for a moment

Somehow it would help

But moments pass and no one comes along

I put it everywhere and no one does anything

So few read it

Do they even see?

I thought we’d be facing these days together

Once upon a time

Instead ever after was a sentence

Not a gift

I am greatly disappointed

In all I built up this world to be

I was sure it was full of caring individuals

How wrong I was

Cussing all the way

No one would know me if I showed them my real self

Would they even care about me anymore?

Everything is a fight

Everything

I wish I could find some time that wasn’t a fight

Wasn’t me trying to desperately kill time until Time kills me anyways

I’m here

Why does it feel like I say that and you say

Then go on your way?

My way is an endless struggle

Can’t something besides singing come easy for once?

Can’t something go well?

We do owe something to one another

We owe eachother decency

I think that was what they were trying to get across with “do unto others as you would have done to you”

Try to treat the world like you would if you were to meet yourself

I’ve struggled with this

Not with being decent, I have my moments but I am a decent human at least

But with treating others as I would myself

Hardly Christian but that always stood out to me

Instead I’ve tried to change my shape to accommodate everyone else

Tried to be what they expected

They don’t know or recognise the selective mutism

They think I can’t communicate when I’m so full of things I want to say but can’t because of reasons

I never want to increase the wrath

They say intentions don’t matter

It’s what everyone else decides you meant that matters

That takes all the power away from my communicating

If saying what I mean to say ends up with others deciding it means different

Then why communicate at all?

I mean

I try to communicate with everything

When humans didn’t work I tried animals

When that worked but didn’t fill the void I moved on and on and on

Maybe that’s why I have to many messages

I just wish it was all in my language

I feel like I spoke them all at one time

I wonder what changed

Sol

I’ve begun to understand him

Without the insanity creeping in

So many others are just a mystery

A feeling

I wonder if he touches other people when they pay him attention?

Gentle and warm

Love is hot

And it burns if you get too close

Love is also cool and enduring like water

I don’t know if I lost what ability I had to communicate with these people

People have told me all my life to communicate better

But now I don’t want to communicate with them at all

Despite having this other human shaped hole in me

But, you know, it comes to a point, after me trying and failing so many times

Oh, that’s what I needed

Bless that sweet colour point that wanders my neighbourhood

Wandered in in between the fences and then called me over for some pets and a chat

I understand cats

I never used to understand them

But then The Cat came along and I did

Easily over stimulated

But wants to be by your side

So much body language it’s like

Well it’s like they’re speaking plain language

And it’s rarely anger

It’s almost always fear

I wish I could communicate with humans like I do with a cat

Even not knowing each other’s names

Show some love to eachother

It was fun trying to explain to them that they couldn’t come into the backyard

Hmm

There was just a spider on my face and, without screaming, I put it in the grass

I communicate so much better with everything that isn’t human

A raven caws yes

Well maybe if they’d let me practice I wouldn’t have become incapable of talking to them

I tried

But if intent doesn’t matter then nothing I’ve done has ever mattered.

That cat so clearly understood what I said, wanted, intended

And we’re not even the same species

But they?

They won’t even know the mutism is growing

Swallowing me whole like it did so many times growing up

Someone save me from these things

Mustn’t be rude

Mustn’t say a word

Dream guardian

Something

It’s all so fuzzy

I wish I could remember my dreams like I used to

Hours of tales to be had

Now it’s all so fleeting

So in the moment the moments go

Always from Tokyo to some 田舎

古い気

あの建物が

原の間

Or something

Maybe it would be fine to disappear into nothing

If you’d come get me

I wonder why

Going to Japan

Comes after being in that strange house

These days I go to Sooke a lot

My Sooke anyways

And then to Japan

These realities you show me day after day

Only make me want to disappear into my dreams

This morning I was woken at the first thought of light

I feel like I never reached you

But it’s hard to know

Dreams only feed back to me slowly throughout the day as moments I dreamt of occur in the light

Maybe instead of wishing for us or peace or people being taken care of

I’ll wish to remember my dreams

They’re all I have

And I remember how betrayed I felt when it first started

The repetitive dreams

The not remembering

You couldn’t have wished me a better hell

To have nothing in the day

And the night dripping through my hands

I don’t know which god I pissed off

He started showing up then

I wish you’d show up in the daylight

I am so tired of meeting you in the dark