Elucidating Questions

It’s quiet

The evening is closing in again

Another day gone

The same amount accomplished as always

There’s a little part of me that dreads the evening as much as the morning

The evening being a sign that this will be yet another day where nothing changes

The morning being the beginning of another day where nothing changes

Nothing changes

Dreaming ended when my body stole every possibility from me

I used to dream of standing on stage

Or of teaching English elsewhere

Oh to sing to a crowd again

But if I allow myself to dream now it will only end with the reality that it can’t happen for me

It can happen for others but not for me

It feels like there is nothing here for me

Nothing that really needs me to be here

I don’t know why I walk this path

Some Green Day song

How bullshit is it that a famous singer “walks a lonely road”

If he only knew what lonely feels like

If only they all knew

I don’t want people to suffer but no one else seems to be capable of understanding this

Oh you’re lonely that’s sad I’m busy right now bye

Yeah it is sad

And I have tried

So hard

To be okay with this solitude because other people require it of me

But don’t I get to say it’s enough?

Isn’t that my call?

Maybe not

But then it isn’t anyone else’s call either

No one realised how powerless we all are

They think tomorrow is guaranteed

The thing is, tomorrow may be

But its contents are not

People should be planning for the worst

Ensuring their own safety

I don’t know if that day will come for humanity

I don’t know

“You’ll be fine”

Let me laugh in malnutrition for a moment

Hahahahaha

Ah

Where is the camera I need to stare into it again

Open your fucking eyes

This desperate need to having something to keep me going

I’ll be fine

God

Haha

Yeah no thanks to anyone

As soon as something goes wrong in this house

I am homeless

As are my pets

There is no where here where I could afford to live

So I’d have to live on the streets for a few months to save my PWD to move somewhere else

Haha

Oh am I ever a million miles away

It’s coming

I’ve been prolonging it

This ironically idyllic life is temporary

And then what will all these things that kept me company be

And the federal government still thinks 25k and under is poverty

I’m never going to find a place where I can live

I know that

But could you just excuse me my struggling?

Could you just let me try to break free of this?

Without throwing rocks

Without telling me I have enough

No I don’t, but the point is I won’t

So many people

As the poverty line rises and the feds ignore it

There isn’t anything I can really do

These bindings of society that people keep adding

You’re right I should just give in and accept it

でもね

自分らしくないね

Sorry

They keep telling me I’m just not doing enough

While I struggle

While I’ve met every hurdle thus far with at least being on my feet

手出す人

手繋いで人

居ないか

I’m so not okay

I will never be okay again

But damn it I don’t want other people to experience this

I can’t save myself

I can’t hold this all on my own

But I wish someone would see it and see what life is like

For someone like me

I have no control in my life

At any moment it could be over

Depression, homelessness, my body is always falling apart

Visitors from the past when I thought I had it bad

And I did

It’s just worse now

We’re slowly slipping into the doom

怖いなー

Scary things happen anyways

Ah Mom

It’s seldom

Just these moments

When I die will you embrace me the same?

These powerful beings

Got lost in a war between the Sun and the stars for a moment

Good catch

I wish they explored this space like I do

Saw how alive everything is

Loved it

I’m so trapped between 

We can pull this together

And let it burn

So close to choosing either

My heart it wants to place to be the paradise it is

But my mind is so angry

And is so angry that people keep demanding more out of me

I wish I could scream on the outside

Just wail

This place is so disappointing

Everything is so beautiful and so hideous

And the hideousness doesn’t make the beauty more apparent

It consumes it and turns it into toxic waste

This is not a matter of yin and yang

This isn’t a matter of balance

The sickness of this place so far outstrips the beauty

Beauty doesn’t need the hideousness to exist

But the hideousness needs the beauty

So it can pretend to lul people into a feeling of safety amongst it

I wish my soul could speak to these humans

As it speaks to these great beings

I wish there was a stage to stand on

And have people listen

That we’re all people

And that it’s all our responsibility to take care of this planet

And taking care of this planet includes taking care of all her babies

This great silent Mother

Upon her grows so many things

If we have the wherewithal to know to care

We should care for everything we can

We are different, are we not?

From her other creatures

The butterfly doesn’t care that it’s 2pm

The crow doesn’t mind the traffic

The flower doesn’t care that there’s pavement there

We decided to exist in a different world than them instead of embracing the world and learning to live with her

Should we not?

I can’t think of a reason not to care for everything

I can’t imagine enjoying their suffering

Everyone is happy with their roles

They’ll all be joining me in poverty soon

They’ll never remember I told them so

Apparently I’m responsible for fifty years of democracy crumbling

Never mind I’ve been screaming about all of this since I was 16

A child

Who immediately saw their worth in a business that was taking in tens of thousands of dollars a day

When I made $100

Who paid attention to the weather and noticed the differences creeping in

A child dragged in

No, apparently all my screaming has been for nothing

And it didn’t happen

Ah

These passing humans

How they irk me

I am apparently “The Left”

Besides being left handed, and left bodied

I do not believe morality is linear

I do not believe wanting to make this world a better place for everyone puts me in a direction

This whole “sides” thing

Who came up with this crap?

There are so many things that should be achieved for humanity and democracy should be about trying to figure out in what order those achievements need to be completed

Not selling the country to the highest bidder and shaping everything to their whims

Why did they call it left and right when it has so clearly become right and wrong?

I don’t know

My struggling has made no changes

And you demand of me action I cannot make

What do you want me to start a one person protest?

Yeah I’ll just go sit on the legislature lawn and be like

I’m protesting

That’ll help

Someone free me from these shackles

This society is a cement block around my ankle

In this ocean I am drowning in

Imagine if I was someone?

There are so many someones in this world that aren’t doing anything

Like him

Why did you lock me in this cage so far away from every person and tell me to sing until they gathered round?

歌っても歌っても誰も来ないよ

No matter what note

And then you send these passerby to poke me and demand I sing louder

Why do you all stare so and expect more?

Be better

Every human screams at me

But every better is a different shape

I won’t change my shape for you people anymore

Just this song

I am exhausted

Sometimes I say I don’t understand when I do

After all why wouldn’t the tax agency mysteriously forgive 80 million in tax fraud from a company?

Yes, why wouldn’t they have no problem allowing an individual to steal millions of dollars in taxes but not allow disabled people to live comfortably?

Obviously they can just write off several million dollars for their friend the company

No federal support for homelessness

But you can defraud to government if you’re a company and we’ll just forgive it

Meanwhile the company is still sueing the tax agency

I mean why not?

The tax agency can just afford to give out millions of dollars

But not to homeless people or people with disabilities

Only companies

Our precious companies

People, you see,

They’ll be replaced by one of our models on the assembly line or

Some models will fly in from overseas

Companies are precious

They have to be protected

They still call it democracy

They don’t realise what they’re voting for is their second class world where bad things just happen and that’s just unfortunate, fix it yourself

Meanwhile there’s another world where you can do whatever you want and nothing bad ever happens

Maybe they don’t see that world unfolding before their eyes

Maybe they don’t see that this isn’t snakes and ladders or a cliff climbing or anything like that

This is a rigged see-saw

And they’re hoping we’ll slip off the edge into the crocodile infested waters below

They’re at the top and there is no moving them

We have to start fighting back

Please start fighting back

Just once

Just once I wanted to be

What would it mean?

I still don’t know

But I wanted to

When I let myself I’m sitting beside you and cheering you on

How quickly those sweet day dreams become

Just another reminder of it

That I didn’t

The poison it comes on fast but leaves just as quickly

In the throes I want to say something that would do it

Finally

Unlock

And I know I will never know the answer why

Don’t explode, okay?

That Betelgeuse too

Be with me for this life at least

I don’t want to see a star go out

After all they’re all lights

Who won’t let me go?

If you say your name I’ll hold onto you

Maybe it’s his fault

This torrent

Maybe it’s both of their faults

It sounds crazy

It all sounds crazy

I wait to see you, you know

All of you

My beautiful stars

Welcome home

Is what I want to say but maybe you should be saying it to me

Sorry Sol

But I can feel all of them holding me when you go behind our Mother

When we turn away

I wanted to see you

I want to see everyone else too

Saturn come back

What was the purpose of the owl

And The Owl

Hooting all the way

What are you saying to me?

If only I had reached him

Sorry for not making a step

Become night

Bring me my Uncle Bear and the boy and his knife

No

None of him

I wanted to but lately

Surely we’re here together

Please tell me how to believe in something I have never seen

They all seem so stationary

Not at all like we’re whipping around that great monster at the centre

No I told you none of him

Curse you all and your keen choices

I love him

Strange as that is at this point

Ah see his voice has soured again

These uncanny moments you give me

Ah but I can hear the chorus singing the instruments to my heart

Now that we’ve moved along

That plane is an eyesore

Now that my diamonds have started punching holes in the sky

I surely could use Jupiter right now

Is that why you sent him?

Oh I can jump from star to star again

And you

Is my tiny heartbeat anything to you great beasts?

I can hear you suddenly

I wish I could see you

But sometimes our dear ones are invisible

You were kind weren’t you?

I don’t want to see what happened to you happen to anyone else

When your light went out I noticed

Here I am telling secrets to the stars again

I can’t believe they left me without one planet in the sky

Those jerks

Find me in my sleep tonight

My millions