Elucidating Questions

I have to be here to prove to others that they can be here

Prove that your mind can be the darkest place and you can still persevere

I keep seeing other people with my mental illnesses fall

Retraumatised over the loss

I always wonder why I was left here

What right I have to be here over them

Why there wasn’t a miracle for them

Why I was able to take an entire bottle of naproxen and half a bottle of ibuprofen and live

Why my overdose was just me passing out and a weird dream

Why did cosmic timing not favour them?

Why am I here?

Well it was all about telling my story until I died but then I didn’t

And I will shoulder their pain as they fall and keep proving that it’s terrifying and awful but we can do this

That I’m a split in half being who barely comprehends this world

Trapped in a body that hates me with a brain that tries to kill me

But I can fucking do this

This will not be a story that ends with a whimper in the darkness

Even if no one sees it

Even if probably there are AI out there reading it and stealing my style (who knows maybe that’s why they’re all deranged)

But, damn it

I want to persist

I want to be a thorn in the side of every institution that tries to walk all over humanity

Even if it never gets recognition

Existing and being a voice of descent is still being a knob in their pudding

Be a knob in their pudding

Be a body of descent

You never know I bet you someone over history has had a knob in their pudding

And didn’t like it

Existing is sometimes painful

And I’m not talking about the background of pain that just is my existence

My emotions are painful

They erupt from inside me

I feel them so completely and it hurts

Even joy

It becomes too much for me

Writing has been a good tool

Typing furiously for a bit

Spitting all the poison I wouldn’t actually say somewhere where I can say, yikes

But it felt good to get it out

I wonder how much I owe to that little intrusive thought

Write through every panic attack

I still remember it so clearly

Nothing else about the moment but the words

Just gotta hang in there however you can

We are each of us a child of the gods, burning bright with the passion of a star who once shone

It’s kind of like that book I never wrote

About how the world was divided by emotional beings and less emotional beings

Except in mine the emotional ones were the ones who had become corrupt and were oppressing the less emotional people

And the world had to be saved by a gay mixed “race” couple that lived in the sewers

But it’s similar

The way people with strong emotions are demonized

But, obviously, I recognise that it can go both ways

This world needs balance like Christians need Jesus

But we persist

We must persist

I don’t want to be a statistic

I will not be a statistic

Happenstance fuck you for a moment

I’m trying to have a serious conversation here

Life is hard

We make it harder on eachother

One second you feel safe somewhere and the next you don’t anymore

When I feel emotions

Sometimes it feels like I’m exploding from the inside

But things like being safe

They slip away so easily

Just like that you’re just someone on the outside of it

Reduced to nothing and no one again

I’m rarely a first priority

But the ease with which I slip out of spaces has always broken my own heart

The difference between belong and don’t belong

It’s so easily traversed

I don’t want to be the person they want me to be

And I am nothing again

I wonder what it feels like to be right?

What it feels like to fit in?

Maybe they do understand

Maybe that laugh was understanding and not derision

Different from everyone else

Just kind of came into existence

I wonder why we’re here

Does anyone else listen for you?

Seek your touch?

Sometimes I feel like my existence is an insistance on others

I do not feel I fit in here even with my rage and my disappointment

How could a god’s child ever find themselves here?

Not good enough

Not hard enough

Where to fit?

I feel unknown

And like it will always be that way

I don’t particularly want to dislike people

I’m feel no pleasure from not liking someone else’s actions

I always end up feeling like I don’t fit in

Every space has its own kind of cruelty

If I had the option to exist without causing harm to anything ever

I would do it

Everything seems so innocent until it comes into contact with something else

My something else is other humans

I hate judging people

It leaves a sick feeling in my stomach

There’s always gossip though

There’s always ridicule for no good reason

And me not feeling comfortable in a space because there’s always a target

It’s never consequential

I don’t know why my comfort is never important

I don’t know why they say these things about eachother in places the people being spoken about can’t defend themselves

I started “lame” gossiping

I just agree with whatever the person gossiping says and then don’t say it to anyone else and if anyone asks I just didn’t feel like starting a fight

Because people dislike you if you won’t gossip with them and then will turn the gossip on you

I’d prefer to talk about what we like about people

And then go back to those people and tell them about the lovely conversation we were having about them

Bravely tell them all the things we love about them that just came up in conversation

Positive reinforcement is not just for non-human animals

You’d think we’d be smart enough to see our own similarities amongst creatures we are related to

Bah

In this quiet place where I hide my contempt for this world

And my love for the planet

I am so good at judging humanity as one big blob

But individuals are frequently so beautiful

But our insides

This place is as close to what it’s like inside my head as anything

Frequently I write my initial feelings and then go on puzzling and change my mind

Frequently my anger is its own thing and I don’t feel that prickly in person

Is every human a different world inside themselves?

Like I am?

A shadow of myself in front of others for my own safety?

Not all I suppose

Some people feel safe on this planet

I wish we spoke words as beautiful as the Earth is

That we only quaked when it was needed

I wish that we spoke love and not poison into existence

I wish I still loved humanity

It’s not hard to love individuals

But I don’t know what hope we have when it’s been 2000+ years and we still speak so negatively all the time

Animals have evolved traits that keep them alive in an increasingly difficult environment in that time

We still pick hate over love over and over again

I don’t know

I just wish I found somewhere that I fit

Where there isn’t toxic positivity nor toxic negativity

Where we accept that sometimes stuff is shitty and we talk about the shitty stuff

But we also don’t tear people down

I have this fantasy where I run away

Just away

That everything goes right and I’m free

I’m assuming all my disabilities just cease to exist for this to happen

I just walk away

But where always becomes a question

Where is better than here?

A tiny town where I’m the only queer person but at least there’s an actual forest nearby?

Any number of cities where I wouldn’t fit as much as here

Everything is so disgustingly predictable

And I’m sick of seeing things coming from a mile away and screaming at the locals to run and being called insane

But, thanks to the internet, the locals are everywhere

Thousands of times I’ve said what will happen to be called crazy

And this isn’t the psychic crap

Psychic was predicting the wars happening, back in 2018, with no context

I just see patterns

It’s all so

These events around me

Why does it have to be so typical?

Why can’t someone surprise me and actually do something?

And when can I stop feeling like the someone is supposed to be me when I have no power?

By the time I had wormed enough power to do enough to help I’d be one of them

Why doesn’t anyone else have this sick sense in them like things should be different?

I shouldn’t say anyone

Why don’t enough anyones feel this way?

Why is there a great wall of disinterest in anyone’s eye who could do anything?

Why is there never a successful champion of those that need?

And I don’t know how to be what you need me to be

I want to run away and be someone new who doesn’t feel these responsibilities I cannot fulfill

I feel like I’m standing before a great beast who expects me to overcome them to succeed

If you wanted it a better way why is violence written in the path that brought humanity to realisation?

Did you create us in your image and then want us to be different from you?

Suffering isn’t written in your insides

Struggle is

Danger

Violence

Your potential is our potential

Or do you wish us to be beyond you?

Should we be your successors?

Love

I’m not sure you made it

But you are made of it

Like it just had to exist because of you

I wish we could each be you

As knowing and understanding

I wish we had the compassion of a gentle breeze blowing by to touch your face so you’re not alone

Knowing that in each body is a soul that feels

Even if they’re not all the same

Understanding that each person is a reaction to their life experience

That those reactions are visceral and personal

Understood that capacity is individual

That a world with less harm would create more chances for joy

And that hatred is wrong

It’s hard

I struggle with it when words are slicing through me

I am nothing beside you

And yet you almost go less noticed than I do

Massive yet unseeable

See-able but insufficient

If I could run

I wish I could run to a place where I could meet you face to face

I wonder what face the faceless would have?

Why does everyone get to tear pieces from me and then go about their days?

I’m not over it

I say it hurts and they tell me it’s my own problem

It’s your own problem that the things I said in order to hurt you got to you

Responsibility

What even is that?

I’m being asked to take responsibility for my actions of daring to be disabled while people come into my life on the daily to tear pieces off of me

Why are they all immune?

It’s like they all have this poison and they’re spitting it everywhere

I’m saying please stop, this hurts, and they reply with “that’s your own fault”

Weakness is my fault

My weakness is my own fault

Does your heart tear daily for the struggles of others?

If my inability to defend from personal insults and attacks is a mirror of how my heart bleeds for this world

If you don’t feel things as strongly as me so my feelings are invalid

That means I get to say all your feelings which don’t come even to a percentage of what I feel mean nothing also

You feel nothing compared to me

Truly an NPC

I’m not a main character

But I’m here in this world

Self aware

Awake

Bleeding my heart into the Universe praying something works because I am an insignificant pea in a world of mattresses

But this pea knows that the mattresses are fluff brains that have led our world into disrepair and despair

So, fine, if my big emotions don’t matter

Then what the hell is that tiny ass sad excuse for an emotion you’ve got?

I wish for every person who comes into contact with me negatively to have the exact same day I do

Every day

The same dreams

The same struggles

Get a chronic illness

Lose everything and then spend your lonely days living with your parent (because you can’t afford rent) being mocked by strangers on the internet

When you’re at your last wit

I hope you never find a job again because you’re too broken to be good enough for society but not valid enough a human being for benefits to cover living

Join me in my mental anguish

You deserve it just like I do

Mixed feelings

Big feelings

Back in my old stomping grounds

This university is idyllic

Trees everywhere

Constant breeze off the water

Birds everywhere

You could forget that the world outside is a cruel place for a moment

I was forced to drop out due to poor grades due to struggling with the onset of the second chronic illness

I feel like a failure walking these grounds that I should have graduated from following my parents

My dream all my life to graduate this university like my parents did

Using it as a stepping stone to Japan

Gone

And I’m here to listen to my dad sing about Jesus for two hours

Still can’t say no to him

Still can’t disappoint him

This music has been triggering my psychosis

I just hope I make it through

Somehow I always do though

This world needs a Jesus character and my guilt complex makes me think it should have to be me

I should have to try to change the world

I don’t know what that means

I am terrified of that thought gaining a foothold

Not me fighting it off because that’s stupid and I’m not that important and I will never be that important to the world’s story

Wallowing in feelings

There are deer now

So idyllic outside

So chaotic inside

Can you help me sort myself out?