Elucidating Questions

That’s a good number

Just took away from my own opening

Whatever, good numbers should be recognised

It’s hard, you know?

When I haven’t really experienced many relationship things

Had one, let’s call it the “healthiest”, relationship where I loved the person, but I wasn’t in love with her, where I cared about her so much

But when she left back to her place I was so twisted inside from how fucked up it was that I wasn’t in love with her

I didn’t end up missing her

And the online relationships where I never met them

That “someday” when we were going to meet never happened

I really struggle to relate to relationship problems

It’s like, in terms of relationships, I have equal literacy to a palace servant’s reading level

And then I get depressed

Because there were days I just cried because I wanted a companion

An affectionate relationship

Cried at the prospect of it never happening

And it probably won’t ever happen now

The more I became my self the less likely it was

The more sick I have become the less likely it is

How do I relate to people who are sad they can’t see someone for a week?

I feel cruel

I know I’m not denying that they feel strongly about it

But I can’t understand why they are

A week

Weeks go by so slowly

So quickly

It still feels like April

I don’t know

I know what it feels like to miss someone I never met face to face

But never meeting and not seeing each other for a week is a slightly different scale

I feel bad

Wrap your head around it damn it

I’m sure there were people I missed in my past

Maybe I forced my feelings of loneliness down so much that I can’t remember what that feels like

I don’t want a relationship now

I’m never putting myself in that vulnerable a position with another human being again

It’s hard enough living with other people

The bedroom door doesn’t have a proper lock on it, it’s a coin lock

I thought I was lonely

Talking to people is fun

But letting them know about me and who I am?

I’d rather keep me safe

I can’t imagine missing someone after a week though

Maybe a couple months

I don’t have anyone to miss that isn’t dead

Dead’s kinda final, you miss them immediately because of it

I can be supportive

I don’t plan on saying anything even close to “it’s just a week”

It’s hard to remember that regular people have relationships

My own failing

I don’t want to dismiss anyone’s feelings

I’ve known weeks that stretched for other reasons

Maybe I can reframe it like that

I can’t imagine me missing a person after a week

But other things have ployed Time to stretch and twist

Like when I’m waiting for a package except it’s a person and I don’t really miss a package but it’s fine

I don’t know if I wish I could understand

I don’t know if I want another person to ever be that close to me

I hurt people blindly, and that’s a problem, and I now second guess everything I say and do because I’m paranoid of hurting other people

But I’ll bet you every person who hurt me did so without blinking twice and think I’m the bad guy

I’ll bet you they think that by me saying they hurt me two they think I’m playing the victim

As if you can’t mutually cause pain

I’m still struggling with keeping myself entertained and enjoying life without also spending other people’s money to pay for my needs

I do things wrecklessly

Sometimes it feels like I’m going to die anyways so why does it matter?

Sometimes depressed as hell and just needing something good

I’m so afraid of being hurt and my potential to hurt

But I have to understand relationships better

I will try to understand the depth of one week

Having friends is hard

Having a friend is hard

She’s gone quiet and I’m trapped in this web of worrying if she’s okay and worrying if I did something wrong

Always so worried I did something wrong

And, you know?

It’s probably nothing

But convince my body of that

Stomach aching, thoughts racing

I didn’t do anything right?

I didn’t

Did I?

What did I do?

Is she okay?

Sigh

Maybe I’m just not made to have friends anymore

I’m so sick of exposure therapy

Everything being exposure therapy

I’m anxious

I’m scared

I hate having something I don’t want to lose

She’s nice and cute and kind and I really really really don’t want to fuck up

But what if I already did?

And they’re thoughtless

“if it didn’t work out this time there will be others”

When?

For a few weeks again?

I want relationships

Not casual crap

I am so over thinking this

It’s gonna turn out that she was napping or something 

Ugh but my “what if” brain is so loud

Shut up, shut up, shut up

Aren’t we underestimating her if we think we did something and now she won’t talk to us?

Oh good

Yeah, see, I made it all up in my head

Relief

And I tell myself every time it happens like

It’s gonna be nothing and you’re going to be like why did I waste all that energy being stressed?

But I get this one two punch from my brain and my body

My stomach aching

My thoughts racing

My ears ringing

Yelling at my brain becomes pointless

How can I convince my brain that these patterns it’s seen of people just dumping me are not necessarily true?

I want to be free from this curse

Just Cozy

Got offered an interview

Asked if it could be over phone because I can’t get anywhere without two week’s notice, because I travel by the disability transit system

We prefer face to face interviews so we’ll interview all of them first and if we don’t like them we’ll call you

Just be last pick

Just wait until we’ve interviewed all the people who are able enough to get around on the spot and then maybe we’ll give you a chance

Just be patient and wait your turn

It’s your own fault for being disabled anyways

Your turn never comes

It’s ironic

Had I been able to keep my old job I’d be fine

But they changed the job description

I feel so not even second best

Like 7th

After we’ve gone through all these other people

We may throw the scraps at you

Just Cozy

Unless you’re disabled I guess

But they’ll take disabled people’s money

What quota?

What is this quota everyone keeps talking about?

And why am I, someone with sixteen years in customer service, never a part of it?

They said if you get experience you’ll get jobs

You’ll get jobs that pay better

You’ll get by

It’s ironic that I don’t even want much

Maybe three 4 hour shifts at the most

But everyone wants open availability up to 40 hours

It would be so cheap to employ me just because you need a disabled face

They don’t want that

Where’s the fucking quota?

Why is it that when I put in my diversity information I don’t get the job?

Why do interviewers change their tone when you tell them you’re disabled?

Why do receptionist jobs (which are fucking easy I did it at a tax office for an entire municipality for a season) all require 1 year or more of experience?

Do receptionists voip into existence?

Just because I need to work less doesn’t mean the quality of my work is less

But you understand these companies they have their able bodied workforce already doing more than is reasonable

Giving a disabled person the responsibilities of an overworked able bodied person just isn’t fair

It’s wrong

I thought that paper I had to pay to get filled out for Old Navy was supposed to tell them my limits and they would work with me

And then they didn’t

They changed the entire job description to be three jobs at once and said “do it or leave”

So I paid a total of about $120 to get my condition explained to them and then they built the job into one I couldn’t do

When I was first diagnosed with fibromyalgia I had a form filled out for Walmart who I had been working for for almost a year

They informed me they had no job suitable for me and terminated my employment

So I lied to employers for years about my ability and pushed through everything

And ended up with a second, worse, chronic illness

So much pushing through

For employers, friends, family

I just want a job

And everyone keeps telling me it’s so easy to find one

And I have applied to 18 jobs since the beginning of the month that I can do

One messaged back and then wanted me to wait until they’d decided if they wanted an able bodied person before even interviewing me

Fuck you “Just Cozy”

I’ve been avoiding Facebook, yeah?

Don’t feel like arguing

Found someone I will tentatively call a friend

But someone just revived some comment I made 8 weeks ago

Apparently it’s offensive

Sigh

I can’t get it right can I?

Just going around trying to be like yeah I get it here’s my story

Why does no one want to hear anyone else’s story?

I don’t understand people

I wasn’t even saying anything mean or, well, I thought, offensive

Hermes what?

Huh?

Fuck face

Oops

Well whatever

I don’t know how to interact with this world

There’s so many spiky things

I just don’t know what the world wants from me

I tried so hard to fit everything that every person wanted and ended up with no one

And a personality disorder

Well maybe if they didn’t expect so much of me?

Aren’t expectations judgements?

Are they not something you have decided about the future?

So much better to have none

Just be positive with no expectations of others

It’s not in my nature to fight

Oh hehe that was a fun little up and down

Dumb Cat

What do you want I wonder?

You ghost of communication

I doubt I could do it

Damn

I’m struggling so much right now

All the fucking Jesus talk

Living with a Christian is hard

He’s probably one of the good ones

But that’s saying something

I don’t have an arguing bone

I’m not good at it, I get invested

I don’t want to argue with people

And all these people wonder why my anxiety is so bad I’m carrying a plushie around at all times

I just want to be left to my life for a bit

It’s not the worst or anything. It’s just y’know not what I expected at 34 and so I’m adjusting

The post I commented on, that was during my last mental health emergency.

I may have misunderstood the meme

I don’t fucking remember what I was talking about?

Memory loss is memory loss

I hate fighting with people

People act like suffering is prescribed by the Universe

Like suffering is a noble fact of life

Not like we made it this way

Not like money is manufactured

Not like the housing crisis is manufactured

They act like we don’t have enough food on the planet to feed everyone while food rots, purposely destroyed beyond use, in grocery store dumpsters

While thousands of houses lie unoccupied they act like there isn’t enough shelter

Like we don’t have the ability to build and provide sufficient shelter

They act like human cruelty is a given, while going around being cruel to one another because no one ever faces consequences for being that way

Meanwhile people rot in jail for having had drugs on their person

And we made it that way

We act like bad parenting is normal

But we don’t offer actual parenting classes in school right?

As long as you don’t break the flour, or the egg, or the baby doll thing doesn’t cry (and that’s just on TV) you will be an acceptable parent

Media produced to normalise bad behaviour and parenting and the ridicule of “others”

Anything which shows positive values is considered boring or for kids

Because only kids need to have good values instilled?

But humanity did this to itself

You can’t deny the strife a tornado, a volcanic eruption, a tsunami causes

These are promises of the Universe

That the world around us cannot always be kind

But we could make things to do with us kinder

People don’t need to suffer because of not having food

They don’t need to be homeless

We don’t need to make the world so cruel that it drives people insane

We don’t need to work all the time to make everything keep running so that the few deemed worthy in the world can continue their forever vacation

And I don’t expect perfection

I want perfection

But arguments happen

Sometimes people are just toxic and they cause strife

Sometimes things go wrong

Certainly, suffering does exist

No matter how hard you try to perfect life

But aren’t you sick of other people being the predominant reason your life sucks?

Why do we treat humanity as a competition?

With winners and losers and that’s just how it is?

The things that go wrong in the Universe, unaided by a living being, don’t happen because there are winners and losers

When galaxies collide there is no winner, they combine and change into something new

And, yeah, bigger things, say black holes, do consume things

But I don’t think that’s a competition how humans see competition

There wasn’t a winner and a loser

We have no way of knowing what the black hole is for

Same as we have no idea why the Earth decided to have an earthquake, or why there was a hurricane, or why lightning struck and started a forest fire

Things we can’t control, can’t understand, can’t really know what they lead to

But why do we create problems?

Were the infinite possibilities of things that can go wrong in this place not enough?

We can’t stop a hurricane, but we can stop things like homelessness and hunger

We can be a community that supports and encourages gentle people, kind people, people who want to help one another

The promise of the Universe is that anything can exist in this space

Great joys and great sadness

Great kindness and great cruelty

That some things happen without our ability to change them

They also gave us the ability to help one another

They gave us the ability to overcome some so called “truths” of nature

Someone in the 700s would have thought that people dying en masse from influenza was just a truth of the world

We’ve shown that with dedication that doesn’t have to be true to such an extent

If we showed more it may not have to be true at all

Human suffering doesn’t need to be at nearly the degree it is

Wild animals are having a better time than most of us

I feel worthless

I feel like I’m the worst person on this planet and I don’t know why

Why do I have to feel bad about stupid things?

Why do little things get to me?

Why are other people allowed to be cruel to me but as soon as I fight back I’m the bad guy?

Why is retaliation worse than the thing that caused the retaliation?

And I’m conflicted

Because I don’t understand why I’m worthless and bad and evil

I wish someone could explain it to me

I just want to understand why I’m so wrong in this world

I feel like I’m an imposition

A burden

I didn’t choose to become disabled but I should have known better and I’m a bad person for not being able to work

So I’m being punished by society

I get that

I understand that that is what is happening

I understand that I am worth less because I don’t pose a function that is exploitable

But I don’t understand why

I understand that being mentally ill means anything I say is just pointless words and I should sit down and stop speaking

That my suffering doesn’t exist because my mind doesn’t work to their standards

Didn’t hold up to the cruelty of this world like it was supposed to

But why?

Why am I worth less?

Why is my perspective moot?

I just saw a crow fly over with food in their mouth

Did that not actually happen because I’m not good enough for society?

Never good enough

Always taking up space

I wanted to fit in

Do my suffering like everyone else

Was so prepared for a life of just cruising through because I was never going to be powerful enough to make the change

I saw the incoming trouble but people insisted I was delusional so I ignored my own alarm bells

It’s not fair

I feel like I’m causing the world to go nuts

That this is all just my fear becoming real

Humanity has dehumanized me so well that I now question if humanity even exists

Is this not a simulation? If I could just be positive the world would be a better place

Like it’s all on me

Me, the worst person on this planet

I’m sorry I’m not what I was supposed to be

I’m sorry that all I do is impose upon people

I’m sorry that I’m not worthy enough for my own home

To afford medications

To afford the help I need

I’m sorry therapy doesn’t fix me like it’s supposed to

That you all have to keep telling me to go because I’m not doing a good enough job of shutting up and taking my lot in life

I wish I could kill myself

But I’m a fucking coward

I’m sorry I didn’t die when I overdosed or when my ex tried to smother me with a pillow I’m sorry

I know that there is someone who deserves what I have more than me

I know this air would be better spent on someone else