Elucidating Questions

I don’t even know what I did

But she’s been speaking poison at me all day

People always tell me I’m ugly like it’ll be a shock

What’s the shock is having someone say something mean

And I already am battling

My Fox Goddess is gone

And I am drowning in Chester, and Avicii, and Ashley, and Mikaila

And people are just being mean

That’s it

Just mean

I express an opinion and they attack me as if I’ve said something vile

By saying vile things themselves

Desperate and horny to wallow amongst the lowest of human communication

I don’t like saying things that hurt people 

I only say them when I’m feeling hurt myself

Trying to stop doing that

I thought I was supposed to be quick to anger and irrational

I feel beaten down right now

I wish I knew what happens when you die so I could just kill myself and not be afraid

So many people on this planet have hated me

I was commenting on how we know so many more names than our ancestors did on their tiny villages where everyone was related just a bit and sometimes a lot

My head feels so full of hate for myself

And people just keep pouring it into me

I just want the world to be a better place

But it always feels like the most powerful way I could do that is by removing myself

What does it mean to be alive?

What is the song that flows through me?

I am living and breathing

And persisting despite

In spite

Out of spite

Perhaps if I’m so awful the world deserves to have to deal with me

How many I’m sorrys do I have to say to these people who are suffering because of eachother?

Together, collectively, what is a civilization that requires there be those who suffer to exist?

The more I live

The more I recognise that we are in Omelas

That walking away is not so simple

That we are surrounded by that dark wretched suffering creature

That they are the homeless and the drug addicted in the streets

They are the starving bombed families and children of man induced famine

Does anyone ever free the poor thing?

The poor wretched suffering dirty thing in the dark room?

Suffering so that everyone else can be better off

Because we can’t circulate our abundance

Because we hoard it

And then bully eachother over our limited resource of relevancy

Anyone who says it doesn’t have to be this way is painted like a maniac

Why do good women die while evil men bomb civilians with “progress”

Bombs are progress

It’s like asking us not to kill eachother was too much to ask

It’s been so easy not to kill anyone all my life

Perhaps that’s a blessing

I think if we didn’t raise our children to hate other people there would be less violence

I don’t know all the answers

I just see people suffering and I know it’s wrong

When they say it’s god’s plan, they’re wrong

So many threads

So many choices

Human individuality and free will is almost a curse

No debate over whether we have it

No completely coordinated operation could have gone as off the rails as whatever this poor excuse of a civilization is

Civilised

I thought it was to mean of being civil towards eachother, the world, ourselves

What does it mean to live here? In this uncivil civilization?

What does it mean?

It’s been five days since I questioned why someone would build stairs inaccessible to mobility challenged people

I’ve learnt that makes me a bad person

That I’m not disabled, just fat

People have mocked me for owning guinea pigs

I’ve been called someone with a victim complex when it’s not like I’m ever even going to use the stairs myself

Called names

Dismissed

And the page owner believes I deserve it

I hate people

I hate them

God forbid we consider anyone but ourselves when we do things

Inconsiderate fucks

And apparently since there are no disabled people now there will never be any disabled people being fucked over by said stairs

I think they all have more ego between their ears than brains

Why would I personally be offended by the stairs?

I asked, yes, why would anyone build stairs to be accessible to mobility challenged people?

How dare I, apparently

Apparently I’m worse than a bigot for questioning the able bodied elite.

I’m so glad I’m being bullied by a bunch of able bodied fucks who don’t know shit about living in a world not made for you

And how dare I question why someone would design something purposely inaccessible?

So fucking sick of people telling me I have a victim complex and proceeding to assault me verbally

I’m not a victim, that doesn’t change the fact that your words are being used with purpose to harm so shut up your fucking useless mouth

Of course I can’t say what I want to say

I’d be yeeted from the platform faster than I could say you’re all fucking heading to where I am so enjoy it when you can’t fucking get anywhere you poor unfortunate fucks

I just let people walk all over me

Occasionally I get sarcastic but I’m chronically friendly

Someone could be blue in the face screaming at me that I deserve to die and I’d probably still be friendly

Why don’t we consider disabled people when we build things?

Why don’t we?

What’s wrong with considering people?

Apparently that’s not a valid question

It’s fine just more casual rage

I don’t treat people like they do me

I don’t think I deserve to be spoken to like this

Selfish

Self centered

Self absorbed

If it doesn’t immediately affect them why bother worrying?

I hope the curse of disability is just someone who’s disabled hoping everyone gets a disability as punishment for being shits about disability

Just renewing the curse every generation with a new child who lost the openness of the world

No, you really all should try it

Walking up to a place and seeing stairs and knowing you’re stuck now

The irony is that I can go up stairs it’s just excruciating

And it makes me light headed and I usually almost fall over at the top

One of those fun “just a matter of time until I do fall” moments

I did topple over at one point halfway up the top flight but I caught myself with the stairs

The one way in which hyper flexibility is a super power I guess

I don’t even know

Does it ever feel like the internet isn’t worth it anymore?

It’s funny

When you’re disabled you see things and you just know someone’s going to have trouble accessing them

But able bodied people insist that if they aren’t disabled then nothing around them needs to be accessible

God forbid they get old or have an accident which changes their mobility

And me saying that things are inaccessible is an attack on able bodied people

They mock me for saying that it’s not accessible

They tell me I have a victim complex

And am only thinking about myself

They tell me this about things that I will never be able to physically be there to access and thus it is incomprehensible that I am in fact thinking of myself when pointing out they’re inaccessible

This world of the quickest snappiest nastiest thing you can think of off the top of your head

I get treated like a bigot for being perturbed by inaccessibility all around me

When you’re disabled you see things differently

It doesn’t matter that I will never be there

Someone will experience the inhumane moment when they’re not capable of getting somewhere everyone else goes

And why don’t you want to be the solution to that awful feeling?

But they don’t

I noticed it early, being a lefty

Because the world is built for right handed people

I can’t use scissors properly

Not for me

But when the mobility issues started popping up

I was thrust into this new perspective that I frankly hate

That I wish no one else had to experience

There’s a Starbucks near my house with two entries but only one has a disability button and it’s out of the way, and more narrow so it’s awkward for wheelchairs

And they both have really high, uneven, and loose, dividers that make coming over them in mobility devices difficult

There’s curbs for crosswalks all over town that go down into the road but then have a second, steep, drop and I’ve almost fallen over them in my walker more than once

Theres a person who parks out front our place and blocks off the entire entry way so I can’t leave with my walker

These are things I face incessantly, daily, if I go out of my home

It’s like slow water torture

You don’t belong here

The world was made for other people, not you

So, yeah, when I see things that are inaccessible I get frustrated

Disability is a fact of life and we should frame everything we do around it. Stairs shouldn’t even exist.

Stairs should have been reimagined as something that people in wheelchairs can use by now

Why are we all assuming that every person with a mobility issue has the tens of thousands of dollars it would take to renovate a place to be accessible?

“Build it normal and then someone can renovate it to be accessible later”

Hence half of downtown businesses (built in the late 18 early 1900s) are inaccessible and unfixable because

“Sorry they were already here”

I’m so tired of disability being an afterthought

I’m so sick of people like me being an afterthought