Elucidating Questions

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong

Because you keep muttering angrily under your breath and I have hearing problems

I don’t know what I’ve forgotten

Because I have severe memory problems and I don’t know what you’re muttering about

And you haven’t volunteered to help

You haven’t noticed that I’ve missed something and asked if you can help me

Instead you’re slamming things and muttering except for the word “stinks” and I don’t know what you want from me

Or why you won’t help me

Instead you bad mouth me at a volume I can’t quite make out to your friends on the internet

And slam cupboards

And piss and moan

Do you think I’m enjoying this?

Being stuck in a chair I can’t get comfortable on, heart rate at 100

Men just terrify me

Because I don’t know what to do

I am struggling so much right now

I’m trying to remember everything

Is he going to hurt me?

Is my not knowing going to turn into him hurting me?

Like all men do when I’m alone and vulnerable?

Just haven’t managed to find any good m&ms in this bowl you see

I don’t know what to do

Why am I a target?

Why do I have this terrible power to turn people into monsters that want to hurt me?

I feel so unwanted

Even though I’m trying my best

This is why it was better to live alone

This is why I needed my own place

If this is some sick exercise to whip me into shape and capable of managing a house

Why is this happening?

Why is my life happening like this?

Why is it that no matter what I do I’m below expectations

Why am I not good enough for this world?

We all walk this Earth with numbered days

Denying yet enforcing our need to live

I believe it is a mirror to look into

The face of Death

Those who think they are safe, while denying the humanity of others

The one truth that we are all children of this planet

Along with her other creatures

I do not think the Universe wept when forces aligned to remove that stain from this unfortunate mortal coil

I should think the ferryman had a good time with that one

And Hermes’ cry

Violence indeed

To be silenced like you tried to silence others, permanently

These seedy swindlers of language

Coopting words that were born to understand eachother to create disconnect

And discontent

We cheer when Nazis die in this family

We say a prayer to the carrier of souls

Perhaps finally a soul he was waiting for and not another child of bone

Who knows

I do not pretend to know

Violence

Yes, like children being ripped apart

That’s violence

It’s not my fault some people talk themselves into a bullet through their throat

It’s not the children’s fault the adults aim at them

But, imagine, being told you or any other group of people is not human

I’m not about to pull any triggers

Though I’d pull a couple

Maybe the assassin in my heart can do it for me

Murder and assassination

Why is some schmuck’s murder being called an assassination

I’ll bet you more children died today in horrible ways than Nazis

To me that needs to be rectified.

I hope he fell into the river and his soul withered away into nothing

You’d think people who spent their whole lives pissing off the Universe would be more afraid of what death would be like

People who paint targets on minorities should have to fear for their lives

Why is it that you can just go around inciting violence against people with no repercussions?

So much so that they call large gatherings upon which to further dehumanize and call for the harm of people for things they can’t control, like being different

You choose what words you put out into the world

Is it not karmic retribution to have the things you said come back on to you?

We need some gun deaths, for the sake of that precious amendment of yours

That’s what he said, so,

What an honor to become one of the lottery of chosen ones

Just instead of stones it’s precision with tiny metal pieces

This is the one time that the phrase “you get what you put into life” will make me smile

I feel such tremendous anguish when I observe this planet

This Universe of chaos

It’s so beautiful

But we stain it with our presence

The things humanity does

If you look at any animal besides us

You cannot know what they know, wrong from right, atrocities from kindness

But humans

They have the capacity to know

And more frighteningly decide to not know

It takes mere thinking to uncover how our planet is feeling

A mere intuning with the seasons and the weather

You only had to look for a few years

But humanity doesn’t have a very long attention span

It should not be like this

Paedophiles should not run the planet

People who rape the Earth should not run the planet

And you look at history?

White people eating black people and mummies.

Trying to destroy the indigenous peoples of any place

The Earth, she is so beautiful

But we don’t deserve to see her beauty and destroy it anyways

Whomever gave us free reign to take another’s life

To confine

To bring ruin

Were you hoping that the good would outweigh the insanity?

In a Universe where guns are possible?

Most good people don’t want guns

What were they supposed to protect themselves with?

Why is the solution to erase others?

I don’t know how you can know what death is and still take a life

I don’t know how you can know what air is, what an atmosphere is, and still pump noxious fumes into the air

I don’t know how you can know that there’s a liquid core and immense pressure within our planet and still try to drill as far down as possible

I don’t know how you can know what feeling pain is like and hurt another person

And my father tells me if I believe in his Christian god it won’t matter

But father

If everything in the Bible is true then this is the garden your god made us and we should not be destroying it nor the creatures within it

Why would you be okay with its destruction?

Why would you not love everything within the garden as your own family and kin?

I want to embrace what is here, now

I want this world to be better than I had

There’s children being born now

They’ll be adults when I’m a senior

I don’t want this world for them

Should we not protect the beautiful place we call home?

Why must we stain this Universe with our unsightly behaviour?

It’s so beautiful here

But watching humanity makes me feel sick

I reject my own blood

My father thinks we’re Jewish

I am not of the cities

I am of the forests

Perhaps just that the forests call louder than the cities

I still feel the call of the Ocean

In some ancient place within me I want to go back

But on land I remain so take me to the trees

Take me to a place where the wind rustles and you can hear every leaf

No more wailing engines

No more wailing sirens

Bring me the peace of the forest on any day

I wish it could come back to me

That great forests would groan and walk from their places to me

Just another loud truck roaring by

Just another screech in the night that’s not an owl

Some explosion somewhere

Remove me from these people

Remove me from these people who deny me their comforts because I can’t be productive to them

Take me away from here

I want to live in the little clearing by the waterfall I created in my mind to escape home

In my world where when things go wrong you can fix them

People give me such rude looks

Sorry I don’t fit your cookie cutter imagination of how people should be

Is it unfair to judge them as aware and capable as I am?

And why?

Let them destroy their Earth give me my own

Split the timeline and I go

They can go in some other direction

If they’d all just disappear I may be able to do something

I want the sound of the birds to be louder than the cars

How do people think with this constant scream of sounds?

It’s too loud, I hate it

Bring me my forest back

There’s a husky coming down the sidewalk

That may be the best thing that’s happened today

I’ll go live with wolves and when they turn on me and attack me

It’ll be fine because at least it wasn’t humans who should know better

Humans should know better by now

Put two cats together, they scratch eachother, learn claws are sharp, and scratch with their claws less

Put two humans together and one kills the other and says “but it was my right to do so”

I wish bad notes didn’t hurt

I wish I could escape this noise

And these children screaming

How I miss when there were more trees than people

Take me back to the forest

I want to curl up in Mother Earth

There’s nothing like being told that life isn’t about you

When you already fucking know

Life is about productive people

And people with money

And friends

Life is about your siblings

Or your coworkers

Or anyone else

You think I went 10 years living in solitary and it didn’t fucking sink in that I am insignificant and alone and forgotten?

You don’t fucking think that going days hungry because the government can’t be bothered to pay me enough to survive off of didn’t hammer in that I’m unwanted and unneeded and inconsequential?

I know everything is more important than me

Imagine thinking you’re important

Imagine thinking anything is about you

Imagine, when you sit forgotten by your family in a chair you can’t get comfortable in and that stops your heart rate from dropping for months because “you’ll get used to it”

And thinking life is about you

These people must think I’m more insane than I am

To think I’m anything

Bullshit

I fucking hate people

I’m sick of this shit over and over again

Fucking internet

You think it’s funny and I don’t know why

But it doesn’t matter because we’re nothing

Oh you’re laughing because it doesn’t matter

Right

I hate our reaction to things

I hate our aloneness

How quickly it creeps up

It’s so easy to be swallowed up

Reminded how easily we could be forgotten again

Spending so much time being invalidated

Watching people live their lives around me while I play video games

Killing time until Time kills me

I hate how affected we are by everything

I hate that expressing how I feel is manipulation

I hate existing with other people

The number of people who have had a problem is far greater than those who haven’t

I wish I could exist in a place without anyone but us

Just us

And animals

Then I could never step on anyone’s toes

Then I couldn’t do anything that deserved reproach

I wish life was more like a video game

It’s so much easier to know what to say when it’s obvious

It’s so much easier to know what to do with quest markers

I’m just this being that’s here.

I’m just trying to relate to people

Badly

I guess

I wish no harm was done

I wish there was a way to attain th

I’m constantly in this place where people don’t understand me

Either I’m not good enough

Or I’m too much and they don’t want to be around me

It’s hard to be in a space where everyone is friends because I’m always the odd one out

I see them socialising around me

I constantly have to hide myself

Constantly terrified if I let myself free it will end any friendships I really have

The amount of lies I tell in a day has skyrocketed

There was a time during my psychosis that I kept hearing the word “liar” like it was being said through a megaphone

I’m still very caught up in it

I still feel like I’m being watched every time I don’t say what I want to say

I’m so sick of not fitting anywhere

Just waiting for the next moment someone objects to how I am

And they keep saying change but I keep feeling like I’m in the same place to matter what I try

I’m so sick of fake faces for the sake of their peace

It’s always someone else’s peace

Wouldn’t want to disturb them with me now would we?

And then it feels self enforced

Right?

But if I slip up just a bit it’s the awkward silences

The correction

I think it’s because I try so hard to do things right that when people get at me I react so badly

It’s just proof I failed again

Shame

Okay I won’t agree next time

Or something

I never know what to say

I wish I had a manual

Don’t talk

I want to be mute but the fear of what they’d do to me if I was prevents it more than situationally

And they never notice because I could communicate solely in paralinguistics and they’d take no notice

I want to know how to be left alone while also having relationships

I have no energy for fighting

I just don’t

And as much as I hate being a sick thing

It’s not like I can use it as an excuse every time someone gets mad at me

I try to learn and grow

It’s never enough

It’s like you learn and then the people who don’t know as much as you hate you and the people who know more than you also hate you

So focused on hatred

I’m so tired

Being is so freaking exhausting