Elucidating Questions

Mixed feelings

Big feelings

Back in my old stomping grounds

This university is idyllic

Trees everywhere

Constant breeze off the water

Birds everywhere

You could forget that the world outside is a cruel place for a moment

I was forced to drop out due to poor grades due to struggling with the onset of the second chronic illness

I feel like a failure walking these grounds that I should have graduated from following my parents

My dream all my life to graduate this university like my parents did

Using it as a stepping stone to Japan

Gone

And I’m here to listen to my dad sing about Jesus for two hours

Still can’t say no to him

Still can’t disappoint him

This music has been triggering my psychosis

I just hope I make it through

Somehow I always do though

This world needs a Jesus character and my guilt complex makes me think it should have to be me

I should have to try to change the world

I don’t know what that means

I am terrified of that thought gaining a foothold

Not me fighting it off because that’s stupid and I’m not that important and I will never be that important to the world’s story

Wallowing in feelings

There are deer now

So idyllic outside

So chaotic inside

Can you help me sort myself out?

I don’t even know what I did

But she’s been speaking poison at me all day

People always tell me I’m ugly like it’ll be a shock

What’s the shock is having someone say something mean

And I already am battling

My Fox Goddess is gone

And I am drowning in Chester, and Avicii, and Ashley, and Mikaila

And people are just being mean

That’s it

Just mean

I express an opinion and they attack me as if I’ve said something vile

By saying vile things themselves

Desperate and horny to wallow amongst the lowest of human communication

I don’t like saying things that hurt people 

I only say them when I’m feeling hurt myself

Trying to stop doing that

I thought I was supposed to be quick to anger and irrational

I feel beaten down right now

I wish I knew what happens when you die so I could just kill myself and not be afraid

So many people on this planet have hated me

I was commenting on how we know so many more names than our ancestors did on their tiny villages where everyone was related just a bit and sometimes a lot

My head feels so full of hate for myself

And people just keep pouring it into me

I just want the world to be a better place

But it always feels like the most powerful way I could do that is by removing myself

What does it mean to be alive?

What is the song that flows through me?

I am living and breathing

And persisting despite

In spite

Out of spite

Perhaps if I’m so awful the world deserves to have to deal with me

How many I’m sorrys do I have to say to these people who are suffering because of eachother?

Together, collectively, what is a civilization that requires there be those who suffer to exist?

The more I live

The more I recognise that we are in Omelas

That walking away is not so simple

That we are surrounded by that dark wretched suffering creature

That they are the homeless and the drug addicted in the streets

They are the starving bombed families and children of man induced famine

Does anyone ever free the poor thing?

The poor wretched suffering dirty thing in the dark room?

Suffering so that everyone else can be better off

Because we can’t circulate our abundance

Because we hoard it

And then bully eachother over our limited resource of relevancy

Anyone who says it doesn’t have to be this way is painted like a maniac

Why do good women die while evil men bomb civilians with “progress”

Bombs are progress

It’s like asking us not to kill eachother was too much to ask

It’s been so easy not to kill anyone all my life

Perhaps that’s a blessing

I think if we didn’t raise our children to hate other people there would be less violence

I don’t know all the answers

I just see people suffering and I know it’s wrong

When they say it’s god’s plan, they’re wrong

So many threads

So many choices

Human individuality and free will is almost a curse

No debate over whether we have it

No completely coordinated operation could have gone as off the rails as whatever this poor excuse of a civilization is

Civilised

I thought it was to mean of being civil towards eachother, the world, ourselves

What does it mean to live here? In this uncivil civilization?

What does it mean?

It’s been five days since I questioned why someone would build stairs inaccessible to mobility challenged people

I’ve learnt that makes me a bad person

That I’m not disabled, just fat

People have mocked me for owning guinea pigs

I’ve been called someone with a victim complex when it’s not like I’m ever even going to use the stairs myself

Called names

Dismissed

And the page owner believes I deserve it

I hate people

I hate them

God forbid we consider anyone but ourselves when we do things

Inconsiderate fucks

And apparently since there are no disabled people now there will never be any disabled people being fucked over by said stairs

I think they all have more ego between their ears than brains

Why would I personally be offended by the stairs?

I asked, yes, why would anyone build stairs to be accessible to mobility challenged people?

How dare I, apparently

Apparently I’m worse than a bigot for questioning the able bodied elite.

I’m so glad I’m being bullied by a bunch of able bodied fucks who don’t know shit about living in a world not made for you

And how dare I question why someone would design something purposely inaccessible?

So fucking sick of people telling me I have a victim complex and proceeding to assault me verbally

I’m not a victim, that doesn’t change the fact that your words are being used with purpose to harm so shut up your fucking useless mouth

Of course I can’t say what I want to say

I’d be yeeted from the platform faster than I could say you’re all fucking heading to where I am so enjoy it when you can’t fucking get anywhere you poor unfortunate fucks

I just let people walk all over me

Occasionally I get sarcastic but I’m chronically friendly

Someone could be blue in the face screaming at me that I deserve to die and I’d probably still be friendly

Why don’t we consider disabled people when we build things?

Why don’t we?

What’s wrong with considering people?

Apparently that’s not a valid question

It’s fine just more casual rage

I don’t treat people like they do me

I don’t think I deserve to be spoken to like this

Selfish

Self centered

Self absorbed

If it doesn’t immediately affect them why bother worrying?

I hope the curse of disability is just someone who’s disabled hoping everyone gets a disability as punishment for being shits about disability

Just renewing the curse every generation with a new child who lost the openness of the world

No, you really all should try it

Walking up to a place and seeing stairs and knowing you’re stuck now

The irony is that I can go up stairs it’s just excruciating

And it makes me light headed and I usually almost fall over at the top

One of those fun “just a matter of time until I do fall” moments

I did topple over at one point halfway up the top flight but I caught myself with the stairs

The one way in which hyper flexibility is a super power I guess

I don’t even know

Does it ever feel like the internet isn’t worth it anymore?