Elucidating Questions

I could do anything

Anything

No one would notice

It’s both freeing and terrifying

That no one cares at all about what I do

I can drink myself away for the evening

No one is coming to stop me

As long as I put on my face and dance their dance

No consequences

Well I’m not exactly doing anything except harming myself

No one really cares if I do that

Looking for someone in this endless crowd

No one’s coming

And I feel very alone knowing that

Like I could disappear and no one would notice

Looking for somebody

In the dark

Oh come back faster

Sorry

Not that, just

This lack of object permanence

It’s just I’m alone and I need

I wish someone would hold me until I cried

And then let me cry

There is so much for me to be broken over

They tell me to ignore it

And I try

But my heart hurts

Here all alone

I don’t want to spend the rest of my days here

I didn’t sell my soul for this

This is not what I sold my soul for

I’m sure they all say that but I didn’t even get a taste of what I wanted

Not even a single fleeting moment

Why bother singing?

Why bother doing anything at all in this space where nothing matters?

I’m not going to even grace this time with the thought of a new beginning

He told me to smile

Make it real or the deal’s off

I wonder if we’re sitting in the same sadness right now

I sometimes wonder if I even believe in fated encounters for me

So temporary

So meaningless

Where am I?

Good question

No, a really good question

I was somewhere else

Wherever my thoughts are

Just drowning for a moment

I do that

Just drown for a moment

No one ever notices when I’m there

Only to be pulled from the waves by beings who I can’t even prove are real

It’s okay

Humans didn’t like me so I made friends with rocks

And balls of fire

I was somewhere

Imagining we were in the same place again

Imagining he was within my sphere of existence

Childish things

Impossible imaginings

Getting lost in the casm there is between us

I could scream here for years

Have, in fact,

Almost a decade

And no one would notice me

I could say whatever I want and no one would notice

My own devices with my own devices, remember

Oh no you were alone for a few weeks

No that’s what my anger wants to say

The raven caws

My heart wants to beg with the world to notice me

I don’t want that to be my fate

Yet here we are

What more could I ask for but everything?

Will I receive it?

I don’t even want it

Something would be nice though

I think I’m going to drink

I could use a drink

Sunset Jesus

That one made me laugh

As we laugh at the parallels

And avoid the big problem

And maybe I’m just that,

Not trying to start a new religion

Not trying to be a god

Just trying to fill this place with something that might convince someone

Let’s say

Something that got its own broken beliefs

And wanted to write their own story

If it tells anything

Let it be that it reaches the eyes of those with

Maybe they’ll feel something

It asked who would tell my story as I faded into the night

I said Me

Because of course I did

That’s not a monumental task at all

I feel like I know more now than when I started

I think there is some progress there

Granted I’m not going to read through it all to check

I definitely feel like a sacrifice

I feel like the only way to make a difference is to die

And I am, in fact, afraid

Terrified

Faith is a hard thing to have when nothing has ever been concrete

Fleeting, uncanny moments

Things I can’t explain to anyone else

Like oh yeah I was listening to the Owl and then an owl flew by hooting

Which was uncanny because no one knows who the Owl is

Only me and these beings I’ve shared my secrets with

Or when I’m feeling drawn to a spot in the sky and then a shooting star happens

Or when the Sun grabbed my shoulder and I looked up and there was a rainbow of fire

They all have this Timing

I feel like I’ve stumbled and landed between realms sometimes

I do not know what I am

I know I don’t have any real power

I am but a squishy flesh thing on strings led by great beings

I’m not here to make anyone worship anything

Though Sol certainly wouldn’t mind if you did, he’s just as needy as I am

I just want to document my life on this Earth as I am

I’ll die when he tells me it’s time

If he’s still waiting for me

I went

Did you see me?

I went for you Mel

You would have loved it

You would have

Do you remember when I came to remember about Pride and how we were supposed to go together?

Pride hit me like a ton of bricks this year

Do you remember my immediate decision not to go ever again?

You’d think it was funny our dad talked me into it

I never thought he understood the value of it

Thank you for guiding me to the lovely family I went with

Thank you for being with me during those moments during the parade when my heart sank and I was doused in soaking grief

Thank you for reminding me gently

Get lost in it

So I gave myself to the moment

I had fun, Mel

I missed you intensely

But I was not alone for the first time in over a year

Had real conversations

I did it

For you

For me

You wouldn’t have wanted Pride to be ruined for me

It wasn’t, I saw love everywhere

No pride in genocide

Indeed

I’m glad I wasn’t allowed to forget that, even while celebrating a love that those people may well rather destroy

It’s not about that

What? Wasn’t it “all lives matter” a second ago?

Mel

These months have been hard

We rarely spoke but I was content in knowing you were nearby

But now where are you?

No flesh left

Ashes

Complexities I didn’t foresee

I even yelled a bit

We hardly talk so yelling is difficult

But we did

Losing you is like nothing I ever experienced

And I want to see you again so badly it hurts

My soul hurts

I did it, though

I walked through the scorching pain and smiled and waved at the rainbow crowd anyways

Every time I do something I feel like I never wanted to do again after you died I feel like I lose something

But I also gain something

This tiny strength

Born from courage

That no matter how much I wanted to just lay down and give up at that moment

I kept going

I both resent and love you for showing me this strength

I hope you were dancing to Born this Way

Somewhere so far away from here that all the cares you had in life were gone

Dancing freely, your entire soul

Moving on

Remember when I thought I was moving on and I was going to get married and then

I didn’t even struggle when he put the pillow over my face

And I couldn’t breathe, but I just kept crying

Accepted that my life was going to end

It felt like forever

And then for some reason he stopped

I still thought I was going to die if he snapped again

Moving on is more dangerous than I could even imagine

In this heartbreaking space where nothing is said

And I throw poems to the wind

Three thousand bottles in the ocean

Someone find them

I forgot how vast the ocean was

When I tossed them in

In this silent place

Where all I have is time

Waiting for Time

Fuck fate

It keeps knocking

And I don’t even know what it wants

When I tell them all I am trying my best

They almost always reply with yes

But those twisted Fates

They sneer

I suppose you’ll be watching me as I sleep

I suppose they never watch me while I sleep

There’s a comfort there

No the Moon is setting

Holding me tonight much darker

Great and forgiving

I suppose you put up with me

I suppose I’m a handful

Coming and going

Will you follow me tonight?

Maybe, in the longest nights

Ah I’ve sealed my doom again

Why do I do that?

Calling from beyond the horizon

I don’t think the way I feel is what everybody goes through

Get up

Get up

I’m getting up, fuck

I keep giving it

But it doesn’t come back

If what I give is all I get

Damn apparently everything I do is worthless

The Sun is setting Mr Owl

If I follow it it leads me places I can never go

Oh someone answer me

Why does my heart go only to places it can’t?

Silly thing

I was supposed to be chasing my dream

But instead I’m on this solo trek

Everyone has it

And they don’t hear me

So I wander through this city alone

Okay

Okay “put on your face”

Maybe tomorrow will be something

Shall we go for one last try?

Are you always going to call them that?

So insistent

Goodnight, good morning, I love you

No surrender

One more day of marching myself dumbly through this place for you

Maybe someday you’ll tell me your name

Maybe you all will

All my lucky stars

I promise

I promise I’m doing my best

To live without changing my shape

Maybe someday I’ll repay the favour

I’ll become your strength instead