Elucidating Questions

Dream guardian

Something

It’s all so fuzzy

I wish I could remember my dreams like I used to

Hours of tales to be had

Now it’s all so fleeting

So in the moment the moments go

Always from Tokyo to some 田舎

古い気

あの建物が

原の間

Or something

Maybe it would be fine to disappear into nothing

If you’d come get me

I wonder why

Going to Japan

Comes after being in that strange house

These days I go to Sooke a lot

My Sooke anyways

And then to Japan

These realities you show me day after day

Only make me want to disappear into my dreams

This morning I was woken at the first thought of light

I feel like I never reached you

But it’s hard to know

Dreams only feed back to me slowly throughout the day as moments I dreamt of occur in the light

Maybe instead of wishing for us or peace or people being taken care of

I’ll wish to remember my dreams

They’re all I have

And I remember how betrayed I felt when it first started

The repetitive dreams

The not remembering

You couldn’t have wished me a better hell

To have nothing in the day

And the night dripping through my hands

I don’t know which god I pissed off

He started showing up then

I wish you’d show up in the daylight

I am so tired of meeting you in the dark

It’s strange isn’t it?

Is it you that pulls me to you and then pushes me away?

Gently revolving

It’s okay here

In your orbit

Is it a love you have for all living or a pity?

You’re coming right?

Not desperately running away?

A truth for all living

But you refuse me

Keep just out of my sight

And send me on my way with that look

Mysterious being

Will you collect him and bring him to me?

These beautiful things

All around me

Oh come visit if you will

Isn’t it strange that as it revolves

And we come around again

I’d still rather take a deep breath and dive into the night

Giving love to the Universe

This precious thing

Aren’t we just two lights glowing in different plains?

Why did it feel like he called me for a moment

He’s as needy as I am

There’s so much of it

I’m soaked in it and it’s become cold and

This love that won’t reach

No matter how I shoot it

Do you feel it?

Am I fake?

Is my inability to be faithful to any one a sign that I’m wrong?

You are so much different than the stars I’m looking at

But when I find you it’s there

I don’t know the feeling of being held that way

So who taught my mind?

It’s paradise there for a moment

One day

One paradise

Do you think it’s sad I couldn’t find it in the light?

Be by my side again tonight

You’re the only one who never changes

But never stays the same

Like you’ve worn a million faces

But I know them all

This starry night is empty without you

Rude as it may be

Still just out of reach

To glance you

And what about him?

Not even a person to him

It’s funny when you think about how far away it all is

And how close he is

And how I feel closer to the stars than him

Closer to the stars than all of them

I don’t know who I belong to

No one has exactly been clear

I missed you all

Even if you’re just big balls of gas burning billions of miles away

It just looks like love to me

Catch me out among them

I don’t spend much time on Earth these days

No, see, Spotify, three Miley songs in a row is not shuffle

Well I sat on it for weeks but I did it

To what end?

There is no end

I just wanted my voice to reach them

If it does

Somehow I doubt

I don’t shine like some people

Well it’s fine I did it

Now I’m supposed to be thinking about dinner but instead I’m here

That shooting star

May very well have been the most beautiful one I have seen

So raw and powerful our atmosphere

That something as solid as stone could fade away to nothing

Now I look up and it’s blue

Not even the same sky

Every sky is different

I hope I remember that shooting star for years

Yes I did wish on it

That we

I always wonder if you’re teasing me with them

Here’s another thing to wish on and never have it come true

How many have I seen now?

More than ten less than twenty

I wish there was a way to You

I wish I knew the path

This one I’m on

What if it’s entirely wrong?

And me

Bouncing to space and beyond

Crashing back

I drew a map somewhere

Lost it along the way

I never figured out how to stop

My hair is pink

I want to sing with you

Once more

Come here

Mixing up yous

But the melody is here

Somewhere out there

I’m so filled with messages

Am I to give in or continue?

Why does it always feel like Death is sending me back?

Well, at least for now

For now I’m trying

I should feel rejected when you do that

When Time comes?

Both of you?

Every time

It’s not Time yet

頑張って

Everyone else rejects me and I break, but you

I imagine your smile

He decided to be right in my eyes

Ah, the needy one calls me

Farther away from you

Finding me even though I’m hiding

Sly fuck

Nah, you’re beautiful

It’s just way too damn hot

I wonder what you are

My beings

How I love you

I don’t even know why

It could all be my desperate brain actually trying to keep me alive

While also trying to kill me

Well at least I did it

To no end

May we spin and spin and spin

Together

It’s so hard to think about how we’re living in different worlds in the same world

The world is kinder to them than it’s ever been to me yet they write such sad music

Well, he does, they play it

And if the end is a tragedy

But up until then all his needs were met

It’s not really a tragedy it’s just a sad ending

It’s like they don’t see the contents

I wonder how many people see unhoused people and think

Woe is me

Instead of realising the depth of what they’re seeing

That they’re seeing a tiny snippet of the hell that person is going through

I don’t think that people who have good lives and still have depression are bad people

But I do wish people were more mindful of what they have

They’re constantly telling me to look around and find the joy in my life

If my life as a person on disability is filled with joy then so is everyone else’s

And I don’t want to hear them complaining about rising poverty lines or inflation

If I see them complaining I’ll tell them to see the joy in life

And to just work harder

No matter how you look at it it’s unbalanced

The life I’m leading versus the life they are

Everyone should just accept that we’re going down and no one is swinging

And them?

They’ll be just fine

In their castles

That was a dream?

I’d say you jest

But it’s so hard to tell dreams from reality

I can hardly remember either

You know when I called them into my dreams

I didn’t mean him

Ah that shooting star was amazing

I could practically hear it burning

The atmosphere spitting around it

It did that fun pulsating thing

The sky kept telling me to look there

I’m like, why? I can’t see a star?

A teeny tiny light kept my focus

And then boom

The sky was on fire

Marvelous

And that little rock?

How far did it travel to reach this destination?

And it was amazing

It was really a dream?

They looked so happy

Is looking at a picture in a dream looking at a picture in a picture?

I hope it’s the future.

That they have fun

I don’t know why

Maybe I’ll never know

Maybe I just needed one thing to hold on to

Hanging out of bunks and standing around

In their moment in between

Never would have thought I’d be dreaming up pictures of famous people

Maybe it was a memory

They’re certainly busy

They work hard

Is the thing

Even though I wouldn’t willingly step foot in the US

But they’re also all a bunch of attractive white men so

I mean I still wouldn’t

Let’s say I disagree with their fundamentals

But I don’t know anyone else who works as hard as he does

It’s like he never stops

I just

I imagine someone with deep emotions

When I think of someone who is right for me

And doubt has set in

It’s hard to believe you know something about someone you know nothing about

Would someone who feels deeply be afraid of me?

Wouldn’t they see this solo dance and

I never know what follows and

Something

But when I seek out wanting to be saved I just think about how everyone told me to save myself

Tell me how it is we see someone drowning in water and rush to save them, assuming they can’t save themselves

But when someone is drowning in the ocean that is mental health we run away while calling “save yourself”

I tried everything included in whatever doing nothing is and I’m out of ideas bye!

So I searched blindly and ended up hurt

I imagine running into my former mum

The mum who said she chose me and then within a year had turned her back on me

And then I remember all over again

She doesn’t need me

She probably doesn’t remember me

None of them do

No one ever recognises that I’m doing the best I can

I no longer want people who don’t see me in my life anyways

I wish I didn’t dream of them so

Though they don’t usually say the nicest things anymore

Dreams are weird

So real in the dark

I can see the last of his peach touch over my shoulder

Forbid they should come together and demand better

Oh my beautiful diamonds

There may be no such thing as true love

But I have an abundance of it

Ten more minutes and this place should start to fill

Tomorrow will come

Another tomorrow

It seems so meaningless to have hope

Oh I had it

Had it riding on something

Yeah

It was something alright

What I have learnt is you can rarely have hope in people

People just don’t live up to the hype

Expecting something means there is hope

I can’t expect anymore from these other animals

At least not from the same species

The guitar roaring

This temporary and beautiful thing

Wouldn’t I like to feel like I believe in what I no longer do

Our chance meeting

A young innocent me believed in it

Always searching for You

Ah to have that back

Because under the yearning must have been something in me that said I deserved something like that

But that’s not really there anymore

Do I really have to feel worthy of it myself before I’ll find it?

It didn’t help before

This loneliness

Always searching

How am I to expect something that never happened?

Infinite possibilities

Even to dream of a You

It tastes a bit off

Doesn’t it taste a bit off?

It’s not really me and it’s not really you

It’s two people my brain thinks resembles us

Why are you a god?

God

Maybe that’s who my brain thinks can save me at this point

His peach is a murky yellow

To say I both do and don’t know the future

Remember when I used to make fun of the random epic guitar solos in Japanese songs?

I take it back, bring back guitars please

Oh that scream

Like raw guitar

Rawish

Whatever

If you give me back guitars I’ll give up on anyone for me

Isn’t it ironic that I wanted to work today but my shift was taken away?

Nothing will be different

We’ve tried wagering with this place

Don’t work

What a strange place this is

Dear You

If they don’t give me back guitars does that mean we have a chance?