Elucidating Questions

Get it?

Because I took a shot at you and missed

That trajectory I keep talking about

Haha

No, really, it’s funny

Because they missed

And so did I

Maybe that’s why they missed

Nah

Just thought it was funny

Okay so I’m still a bit drunk

Joking about it makes it less painful that that is essentially what I want and it didn’t happen either

Maybe the next one won’t miss

But I don’t have any more shots

There are endless bullets out there maybe one will hit

Shouldn’t want people to die

But if there was someone who should he’s on the list

Maybe you don’t want him either

Time is strange

So strange

And you all do its bidding

What a strange time to be alive

I mean

Really

The news has me thinking about that shot I took at you and failed miserably

Haha

No, really, I’m hilarious

When I’m drunk does it read different I wonder?

After all slowly poisoning myself seems like a fair trade

It’s not even the darkest of my days

Those are behind me

I’m still standing here so they’re behind me

Someone

Anyone

I’m so incredibly lonely in this place

The reason children throw away invisible friends is they make real ones

But there’s no one here

Text comes to me occasionally

It doesn’t feel the same as living

I spent so long stuck on the computer and I just want to escape this place

I want to go out

With someone

I’ve gone out on my own fighting the fear by myself enough times

I’ve fought enough

I wanted to be everything

But almost 7 years later I’m still nothing

I suppose I always will be then

I couldn’t even create a happiness out of the most colossal mistake of my life

And, yet, he lives

More lives lost for him to keep living

I don’t know why this is the day

So many almosts and not quites

I don’t even know the reason why I keep up

After all none of my wishes came true

Watch the Moon fall

Constantly misconstrued into something else

Don’t you feel bad for that poor lost creature?

I do

You know?

It’s kind of disappointing that you don’t

That you felt nothing for someone so lost and desperate

I’m not the one who refused the journey

It’s just you had more to choose from than me

And I imagined a choice I didn’t have

And I chance I never got

I wish I could go back in time and make that time less heartbreaking

Every night

Like clockwork

It would sink in

Yeah I guess I’m just really disappointed

He’s not the man I thought he was

So I suppose it’s on to find a new one

A something to live for

Afterall

I’m already living for me

That’s what this barely getting by

Teetering on the edge

Charade is all about

Is there someone I can love that wants it?

That wouldn’t watch someone try to die over and over and do nothing

It’s hard, you know

Knowing no one misses me

Knowing this entire day will probably go by without someone thinking of me

Isn’t it funny how I don’t want to cause pain

But I want to be missed?

Maybe I’m causing the least amount of damage in isolation

At least I’m not enjoying myself or something awful like that

The little things

You all show me

When I feel compelled to look

When I feel a beckoning

And then it’s something wonderful to see

Have truly taken me from where I was to here

Without them would I even be here?

It’s not like I can’t sustain myself on nothing and little happinesses

Really, little happinesses is all I have

And some of them I forced to happen

And people still think I’m not out here making my own joy

They can’t understand how awful the awfulness is

I feel you on my shoulders trying to relax muscles that I can’t afford to have tended to

I suppose I am tense

No I wasn’t complaining

These conversations I don’t write

These conversations I do

The corvids are up and yelling again

Why does it feel like the ravens are screaming so much more?

Not quite a murder of crows

I wonder why?

If it truly was nothing

If it was all Fate’s trick

Why it repeats

So many chances to give up

No chances to become anything else

And yet he refuses me

And yet he holds me so tightly

Yes I remember him today

Always holding on so tightly

The gate

The door

All the day’s disappointments erased in an embrace

All the repetitive dreams to get there

Maybe I don’t dream new things because I don’t dream during the day anymore

I wish he would leave his post for one day

My lack of presence

Yet I am here

Warm

Safe, for once

Just for a moment

Dreaming on

You may think me selfish

It’s just not enough

Into the night again

Casting aside the day that disappointed

Don’t they all just seem to hang on

The daylight betrays the need

At least when I dream it’s mine

What happens

Running as usual are we?

As we do

No, see, I dare you to do something stupid

Something unthought of

Make all this make sense

Will and will

At seperate sides of the hall

Can’t get it started because there’s nothing to start

Go back

You say

Every time

Who knows what’s going to happen besides

Well all the big things

That’s not even future sight it’s foresight

I wonder what I said?

Broken and confused

The past so far behind

Yet right beside

Like it’s repeating endlessly around me

Someone pray me a day when I don’t feel like all of this was for nothing

When I don’t look at the page and wonder why I’m writing at all

A place where it’s dark right now and I could see the stars

Pray me so far away from civilization I never have to think about all these poor people marching like good little soldiers to their doom

T’was cruel to put me here

Whomever

Maybe my life is a punishment for making me live my life

Just to really fuck shit up

I hope you do

Show up

It would be funny if you got here before he did

If I throw all my yearning to the sky

Where are you?

Can you hear me?

And if I stare at a spot there is surely a star

If I could reach into the deep from this place

I don’t know my purpose

Trying to surpass the world

Tick tock indeed

From the beginning I knew

The possibility of absolute failure

But I faced straight into the madness

And lived

Anyways

We’ve played one last cue so many times

I do too

I stay here

Because this is all I can be

So what if I have all these things that I need to be doing to feel okay?

And who even asked if I needed anything else?

Do you show it like I do?

To everything except you?

Always goodbye

It was goodbye before it was hello

Such a strange thing

Lulled me to sleep

Watched over as my mind played tricks on me

Half awake

Half asleep

I don’t even remember what they said

How many false starts before it really begins?

And why did everyone else get such a headstart?

Living on

Loving everything that comes into contact with me

Cut up and torn

It stokes into flames with the melodies

Oh it’s never time

So much in my head

My head hurts instead

Heart wrung out

Holding out for something

If we spoke the same language

My heart and I

Would we win the prize of something other than

Purgatory

I wish I could believe that someone loves me

Ending endings

From this place of nothing

How can I walk away from it?

It swallows me up and I’m helpless again

Could we meet in a place where you don’t scorch my skin?

When will you come take me from this place?

On to something else?

Frustrated from knowing too much

Paralyzed from knowing too little

Not an ounce of charm

People speak around me

Why did Aphrodite laugh just then?

Laugh, then

People come to dislike me

He hates me too

And that feels more fate than what I was wanting

What I want is unreachable

It’s never fate

I hope your character has fun

Pulling my strings without even wanting to