Elucidating Questions

Have all this gentleness in me

All this anger

I don’t know which is true

I can make words do terrible things

I choose not to

It’s not me being messed with that sets me off

It’s everyone else

Fiercely loyal

To anyone but myself

That driver talking about homeless people being people who just make bad choices

I hate constantly being tested in spaces I could not possibly speak up

What, I’m going to start an argument with the guy who’s driving me to and from my appointment?

Yeah okay

Thanks Universe

I definitely want to be alone in an enclosed space at the mercy of someone I just started a fight with

I keep saying I would fight and then you put me in these impossible situations where I just feel small

I’m not going to fight people one on one in person I can’t defend myself if they attack me

Powerless and small

Powerless and small

Ah

He really resembles you

For a moment I thought you’d come to rescue me from my inadequacy

Maybe you were speaking through him

I’m not afraid of tomorrow anymore

Mostly just tired of it

One more tomorrow like the last

Soon to be one more yesterday when nothing changed

Today, too

It’s already off to somewhere else

It’s already tomorrow

Today is obsolete

Sometimes I focus on the pain and hold it for a moment

Not knowing whose it is

In order to get my dream back

He’d have to look my way

An impossibility

The most stubborn person on the planet

Sometimes I look at myself and just wonder

Why do you have to love these people who will never love you?

But, you see, I am the second most stubborn person on the planet

And I’m gunning for first

People are always talking about wanting to go back to some time in their life

But when I think of mine there is nothing to look back to

No time I long for

This life has not been kind to me

I don’t wish to be a helpless child again

The world took advantage of me

I don’t wish to be a confused and frustrated and depressed teen again

The world turned its back on me when it realised I wasn’t controllable

I don’t want to be a young adult again

Still confused and frustrated

Still depressed

Now here’s five thousand things more to have to focus on because you woke up 18

I would like the world to go back to the 90s for the sheer need of living better financially but culturally?

I don’t want to go back to that shit

Watching oldies now I feel like I’m watching through my fingers the amount of jabs and punches they make at marginalised groups

The stereotyping

The whiteness

That uncanny white bread culture of every family with little to no influences from outside culture as if America is a haven of one monolithic culture and none else

Every black family is written by a white person and it’s plainly obvious

Every disabled person is inspiration porn

Or a joke

There are no plus size women unless they are ugly and that’s the joke

Just not a good look, all around, the 90s

So, like, I don’t know why people are pining for back in time

Maybe other people have good memories

Maybe other people see something when they think of home

I don’t think I’ve ever been better than now

And considering my position that’s saying a lot

So maybe he’s not getting better

But I am

Why am I so nice to people?

Why am I so conscientious of other people?

Just yesterday I had a woman cut me off with my walker

So many people do that

You know who did their best to get out of my way and let me past?

A young man who had some mental and physical disorders and struggled to really walk himself.

Who had an oxygen line attached to his nose, which means breathing was difficult, so sudden movement was probably difficult too

And yesterday?

I feel like he’s the only one who saw me

I hope my smile behind my mask was visible to him

I want to do good things for good people

I want to make good people feel like they belong on this planet

Like they aren’t an outlier

But time and again my efforts have gone towards people who used and abused them

Sometimes I wonder what the point is

Being good in all directions when so many would just utilise it to their benefit

I don’t know why I do it

No interest in stopping

I just want to know why I do it

Where this came from?

Was I simply traumatised into this form?

Is there a Me underneath all this mess that just has a good heart?

Or tries to have one

Keeping all my anger in this place where no one can see it

Trying so hard to be the light

It’s not what I thought it would be

If we were face to face I’d say you’re doing great

Way to make every generic pop song sound like you now though

I can’t let it go

The more he doesn’t see me

The further into my heart

Like a burrowing thing

Like without even knowing it there’s a home for you there

Without even wanting it there’s a home for you there

I just wanted to bring you some peace of mind and instead I’m a

Misaligned wrecking ball

Just flying in and out of frame like

Woah that thing almost hit someone

And it always feels like there’s no point to anything

And yet I keep going

Endlessly

I’ll bleed my soul dry for you

And I don’t know why

You wouldn’t even turn my way

I may as well be the most repulsive thing on the sidewalk of the internet

But it’s not like your unwillingness to interact with a stranger

Actually reflects on you

This strange stillness again

Someday

Someday I want to tell you that you saved me

Even though you didn’t

It’s that funny-ness

Without ever being anywhere near me you were by my side whenever I needed you to be

Through what you’ve created

Even if you would have rathered you didn’t

Even if you would have rathered I give up

Even if you still do

Well

Here’s one more thing for you you’ll never see

I’ll bury it in the sea

No one will ever know it was me

I wonder how far I’ll go

The number keeps going up but I’m in the same place

And I know it was wrong

How I went about it

Too direct

Me

That little sprinkle of madness didn’t help either

But I feel like I could apologise a hundred times and nothing would change

I thought I was owed him

No

Really I did think it was soul mates or something silly like that

Interesting still that I knew he was married and who to

That touch of psychicness that is so hard to untangle from the rest of the mess

Leaving me going Good god, years later

I thought I won the game at one point

Whatever that means

There’s so much mystery in my life

Maybe I notice it because I’m all alone

I really thought

I thought I had it figured out

And looking back I can only feel pity for that creature who thought their suffering was finally over because they found the answer

If through time I can will myself to just keep going

I would send it out in this moment in all directions

I know it’s hard and we’re struggling and no one notices and no one truly loves us

Familial love and people who I am so conflicted over because I don’t want to disrespect them but I feel very overlooked and underappreciated

Are they friends?

It makes me think I greatly misunderstood what a friend is

Life goes on

We can somehow do it

何と無く

愛を信じて

If I believe in you will you once more grace my skies lovely lady?

To the zeroes indeed

Except he wouldn’t include me

I only wish him peace

Moments where everything falls into place

No it’s where did the guitar go

Neverminding the things that I have to worry about

I wish I could send him my feelings wrapped

Just so he could feel how I do about himself for a moment

Moon’s gone over there

I hope she brings him to me

My beautiful planet

Something to look at with love in his stead

If only I could

Focus my love in a beam

Like some silly non-binary magical girl

I haven’t seen many bittersweet blessings lately

Just pain

Just getting through

Settle the bag on our shoulder and continue

頑張って

Doing tiny good things

Reaching out to people who are struggling

Giving them a bit of the Tohru treatment

I didn’t realise it could make a difference

I hope it did

Hold on little light

I know the words in my soul

Why are they not for me?

I was waiting for someone else to say them

Even though I know they’re true

I wanted him to say them

Why can’t you come out and face me

Face to face

And say the words I need to hear?

It’s not enough from myself

It feels

It still feels like I can’t just decide these things for myself

Why then should I be able to decide them for others?

Why kindness for others and not me?

I want other people to be gentle with themselves

I hope I made a difference

I hope that person gets back up

Like I do

I want to teach people that

It doesn’t matter how far down the beast hits you

You can get up

If there is something to be apathetic towards

It is suicide

Meh, I’ll get to it later

And just keep putting it off until you come back around

The beast backs off

You can scream you want to die, over and over if you want to

If letting the universe know helps

I’m sorry people so rarely care

Or they act as if wanting to die is some psychosis

I have experienced psychosis

I have experienced depression induced suicidal thoughts

When I scream I want to die

What I usually mean is I want to be loved

What I don’t need is irritation that they have to deal with me and my thoughts

That’s all I’ve ever had

I want to be a gentle place for stars to land

So many missions

I just fear I’ll never be able to stand up to my own expectations

Let alone anyone else’s

May there never be a day I’m blind to you Sol

It’s funny I can still feel your pressure even though the light is filtered

Is some other thing the pressure?

When I feel it I forget for a moment

All the things I should be doing

Thinking of

Worrying about

I want others to step into the light with me

To stand up to this monster and say

Not me, bitch

Not me