Elucidating Questions

I wonder if I stopped being so hard on myself

What would be left?

Is being loving enough to sustain me?

How do I love myself when everyone keeps their distance?

How do I feel worthy of love I haven’t received?

If I ask the Universe

Love is everywhere

Everything

I feel silly

Asking for more from beings who don’t want to give it

If I can find it here

Even if it’s just for a moment

Even if I’m entirely insane

Shouldn’t that be enough?

But

It’s not like any of them have objected to my quest for more

No, they seem to push me forward

In fact the only one who said I didn’t deserve love

Besides all the doctrine and they awful lyrics

Was me

And some handful of internet losers

And all the people who walked away

This hurdle is huge

If I am loving

Should I have the capacity to love myself?

But I don’t even know

What myself is

Good intentions when I’ve been told intentions are meaningless

Doesn’t that just make me meaningless?

I feel like if I’d never been influenced by Christianity or my father

Or this society

Maybe I could have loved myself

Whenever I look in the mirror I see

Someone that isn’t me

If I was attractive would I be worth their time?

Is my physical appearance really seperate from the me I can love?

My body

How do I love something that has betrayed me so?

I don’t know

What would be left if I stopped beating myself up for being me

Don’t I owe some penance for making all those people leave me?

I don’t know

The answer doesn’t come

I wonder if it’s like I keep hearing

I don’t see my own worth

I need others to bring it out of me

And if I accepted that I am worthy of love, that it’s something I need

That I deserve

Then I’d also have to somehow come face to face with the fact that I’m being denied love by the world

By the meddlers

They’ll pull strings

But I still stay in this untapped state

Knowing I’m just as worthy of love as anyone else

That I need it

I remain powerless to change this station

Ever a watcher of society and never a participant

Ever a watcher of love and never an experiencer

What would knowing I deserve love equip me with?

Maybe the knowledge that anyone who refuses to show love to me isn’t worth my time?

I don’t know

Little by little

Bit by bit

But it’s so hard to reckon with the lack of it in my life so far

If I deserved it all along then this is a cruel world

But wouldn’t I think it so for any other being left behind?

The possibility of this place being great

Yes, I know you don’t believe in it

You find this silly hope of mine to be childish

Even so, I

I want to believe in it

Become a source of others believing it too

You’d say Fall is far away, but I can already feel him creeping in

Wearing the winds as a scarf

I think I have something within me that’s worth fighting for

Maybe it hasn’t been born yet

Grumbling on the wind

That even now I have something worth fighting for

Prove it, my friend

Those three roses

I hope they can be together for as long as possible

I wish I could have been together with someone

A path with no one on it

A city without a soul

Affection for figments

Little pieces

Always incredibly stubborn

Need to find someone who can face my hearts

If I came any later he wouldn’t be here

So, then, what would the meaning be?

It’s always coloured in him

It’s always sheltered

And hidden away

I wish I could give it to him and not send it back

I wish it was acceptable to just give myself

You know?

Keep losing myself in golden thoughts

Aren’t I always disappointed though?

I set myself up for it

This moment

Many others before

Sending thoughts in the direction

Not knowing if they’ll reach a destination

Do they just hang awkwardly?

Find the answer

My answer

Someone said we’re born to become happy and we go on living trying to make others happy

Oddly I’ve seen those who would never try to seek another’s happiness

And I don’t know if I’ll ever find happiness in this life

My happiness

If I met a million people would one of them have your face?

I just need something so I can go on believing

Ah, yes, Hermes bring that water over here

My companion

Who I often don’t get along with

But your direction changed for just a moment

Just in the moment

I suppose few else hear the wind and think their friend is near

If only we could trade places and I could go to him

If I couldn’t be anything else at least be the air

Oh you

Always with this

You’re a good sort with a wicked heart

If the wind doesn’t abandon me

And the Sun sticks around

As pointless and useless and meaningless as it is

I can hang on for a while here

Seasons will be shifting soon though

Who knows?

I have to find it for myself

There’s no map for me

All these main characters

The me I want to be

I want to take his sadness and hold it gently for a bit

Things he dropped along the way

Stubbornly being okay

Ah well

That suits you

I see these fragments

How I love them

But they’re just pretend

Fragmented figments

And how could the things I do ever really change anything?

I keep wondering what I’ve lost

Taking in all this

Even though no one asked me to

Just cause

I want to be by his side

But I don’t want to create pain

It’s been a while

Since this one played

The streets are surely empty

Everyone is busy playing with it

These hearts I hold

How I got more than one I’ll never know

A cat who does as he pleases

And whatever I am

And .5

Yet I have no presence

How I ended up with so much me that doesn’t exist

Imagine if we could become one

I don’t hate people

Oppositely I love them

But I don’t trust them

I feel like a well mannered creature

I haven’t met anyone I’d let close again

I haven’t met anyone who would come close

So much distrust

Like I’m closest in life to my coworkers and they’re just coworkers

I wonder if this pressure is my heart wanting to hurt

I’m feeling so much nothing right now

Like I’m not enough

Not meeting expectations

All these people doing something

I wanted

To be useful to someone

Over, huh?

Done?

Do I get to go back to sleep now or are you going to leave me here in the creating again?

I know the answer to that question, don’t mind me

It must be nice to finish something

Be done with it

Walk away

What great self control that must take for a person who wants to pick and prod and poke their own creations into

Well oblivion

Ever continuing

It’ll only know an end when I do

I assume

And lately I wondered what life I’m documenting?

I’m not exactly living

While I am

Congratulations to you

To another success completed

Here’s to you absolutely never fading away

Unless you want to

Maybe into a quiet retirement

Whatever

Here I am wanting to hear it and not wanting to hear it

What words have you lain to be consumed?

Sing it back

I’m singing

Fuck

There’s something to be said of people who are capable of finishing something

I don’t know what it is because I am not one of those people and thus didn’t finish the thought process

I’m sure it’s magnificent

It’s like I can’t even build you up too much you always

Aimed so much higher than I ever could

Tonight you go to bed triumphant

At least you’d better

I keep thinking I’m going to make a difference

But I barely shine in comparison to you

The Universe seems to have said to me

Now is the perfect time to do all those things you wanted to do growing up

Be a kid for a bit

It doesn’t know that other adults think of this as something almost taboo

Engaging with things “made for children”

I say they were made, so anyone can use them

Crocheting myself an army of plushies

Collecting digital pets

Rewatching things I last watched as a kid and trying not to actually come to face myself

I’ll nourish that inner child

But I still can’t face them

And they’re right, the Universe

This is the perfect time to do that because no one can see me

I am hidden

But I wish I could go out and encourage other adults to play

Tamagotchis were brought to NA by an adult who loved them

Not a child

Do things their inner child always wanted to do

Get that piercing or tattoo that your parents would have probably actually beaten you for

Own myself

Take ownership of this person I am

This is me and me never got a childhood where people loved them unconditionally and helped develop their abilities

I need still to learn how to be unapologetically me

It’s hard when most of the time I’m facing the public I’m not me

Not allowed to be me

Renting my body out to the lowest bidder

It’s no wonder I’m finding comforts in these things that I once wanted but couldn’t have

There’s so much in me to give and nothing to give it to

So I’ll play instead

Why not?

No one seems to be coming for me

Isn’t it fine if I just play for a while?