Elucidating Questions

Doing tiny good things

Reaching out to people who are struggling

Giving them a bit of the Tohru treatment

I didn’t realise it could make a difference

I hope it did

Hold on little light

I know the words in my soul

Why are they not for me?

I was waiting for someone else to say them

Even though I know they’re true

I wanted him to say them

Why can’t you come out and face me

Face to face

And say the words I need to hear?

It’s not enough from myself

It feels

It still feels like I can’t just decide these things for myself

Why then should I be able to decide them for others?

Why kindness for others and not me?

I want other people to be gentle with themselves

I hope I made a difference

I hope that person gets back up

Like I do

I want to teach people that

It doesn’t matter how far down the beast hits you

You can get up

If there is something to be apathetic towards

It is suicide

Meh, I’ll get to it later

And just keep putting it off until you come back around

The beast backs off

You can scream you want to die, over and over if you want to

If letting the universe know helps

I’m sorry people so rarely care

Or they act as if wanting to die is some psychosis

I have experienced psychosis

I have experienced depression induced suicidal thoughts

When I scream I want to die

What I usually mean is I want to be loved

What I don’t need is irritation that they have to deal with me and my thoughts

That’s all I’ve ever had

I want to be a gentle place for stars to land

So many missions

I just fear I’ll never be able to stand up to my own expectations

Let alone anyone else’s

May there never be a day I’m blind to you Sol

It’s funny I can still feel your pressure even though the light is filtered

Is some other thing the pressure?

When I feel it I forget for a moment

All the things I should be doing

Thinking of

Worrying about

I want others to step into the light with me

To stand up to this monster and say

Not me, bitch

Not me

Today you roar

Yesterday I felt alone

Dared the leaves to move

Today you crash all around

Am I a lost cause?

I don’t know what you expect of me

I don’t know how to meet expectations I don’t know

Every day at work is the same

Things I can do

All I wanted is out of reach

How dare I even think of doing things for his smile’s sake?

I feel like I’ve transgressed enough

Trespassed enough

It’s hard to pour it out without that push

It’s never the right time

Never the right words

How could I possibly be interesting enough?

At my side

The bass doesn’t hit the same when it’s you

How you’re both

I think our similarities

And differences get in the way

If only you could step out of the gale and see me

If I had a song to sing

I thought we tried already and that was the ending

Then again there’s you like

And you

Why does it always bring a smile to my face?

That dark blue

Yellow blue

Just such beautiful things

All around me

I don’t fit

I wish I could be something worth seeing

That you’d actually come

I don’t have to choose imagination things

I fear I’ll disappear

Like the wind yesterday

It reminds me it came back

I wish I could go to the place I always dream of tonight

Summon the great being

Finally come home to his embrace

It’s not always a happy ending

I’ve filled my life with many a digital pet

Hoping that something needing me will keep me going

But I was also drunk from noon until 7 last night

It’s so hard to keep going

When there’s no goal

There’s nothing needing me

You can’t really expect me to believe my own madness

I play with it, but in the end it’s not like anything has ever really proven them

I’m sure uncanny moments can be explained away

If I don’t play with my own madness I’m alone

Abjectly so

It comes on like affection

And fades away with despair

Wanting to send it to your heart

That never once listened for me

I wish I could undo all the effort

Trying to drown the words just makes the day hard to face

How am I to continue with nothing to go to?

Give me something?

Just a little

Just a little

Mustn’t break the streak

I’d be mad if I did

Even though my body is angry today

I don’t usually sleep from 11pm to 1pm

It feels like weeks just caught up with me

Like all the work I’ve been doing suddenly came to collect tax

That’s the thing about this disease

It’s bad enough being taxed and then left for dead by the government

But now my body does it too

I wish I had a way to go back in time and warn myself

It gets so much worse

Remember all those people with their fake smiles saying it gets better?

No, wrong, do not trust

I wish I could fly

To where my heart wants to be

They’re useless wings

How long do I have to foolishly believe something for it to happen?

Sometimes I see blue eyes

And think of him

This song makes me think of him

Why it comes to me I do not know

When I love you doesn’t matter

Not without meaning but without reaching

Send it into the sky

Pray it would reach you

In a good moment throughout the day

Something that makes you smile like I’ve never seen

But even now

この頼りない羽で

届かないよね

Believeか

If I feel cold it’s not against you

Only that you cannot endlessly warm yourself

These embers

Hot to touch yet warming nothing

片想いで自分を温めるつもりだったか？

変わった人ね

Ah damn it

No matter what I do I come back to him

And there are moments I want to lash out

But more than anything I just want his happiness

For him to have it

When the Sun is low and the colours are fading out of the day

My last thought

He’s really good with music

That’s it

I know nothing else about him

A stranger

Whose voice takes me places indescribable

To be a phantom

My worst nightmare

Everything is wrong

Everything

I wanted to be

Worth trusting

Worth being someone

I’d take what’s left because I’m only what’s left of me

Time has done the best job it could of ruining me

I am not the freely loving child I was before

I hope he’s at least content

Maybe Hermes went to be with him

It’s so quiet

Rustle the leaves or something

What a deadly stillness this is

Oh you tease me

Never quite there

Visit me again tonight will you?

It’s so hard being alone

I wish for everything to be okay again

Even if it’s just a dream

Even if I only remember it as a moment

I know the time stretches when we meet

How I wish I could bring you into the daylight with me

If I get to meet you

何と無く

ね?

Why’d you go over there Moon?

Unfair!

Hiding behind the trees

I don’t know why these people come

I don’t know what they find here

The intended recipient returned to sender

I’m probably some plague

How much I wished to be beloved

I know, it’s stupid

To create a world where none of this happened

I wish I could go back to that time and stay my hand

Shooting for the stars doesn’t work when you don’t have a rocket

We just uncoordinatedly flapped about

Maybe I’ll just reject whatever journey it seems like I need to go on to

Were he

Would he drop me a message and explain my questions?

I have no answers

And so many questions

About him

About me

About this strange space

Were it I had the answers, would my soul finally rest?

Cease this endless searching?

Would I accept it if you looked at me point blank and told me my life will be nothing extraordinary, and, in fact mundane?

Could I allow it to be so?

Content with zero

You ask so much of me

The least he could do is answer

If he even is

If he even ever was