Elucidating Questions

Maybe it’s finally left me

I doubt it though

I just can’t seem to think anything today

Did, but didn’t, make breakfast for myself today

At least I managed that

There’s nothing like having nothing to say

I feel like so much has tumbled out of me

It should only follow that there would be times the torrent would ebb

To no one

To no one

I don’t have enough in me to get what I truly want

I’m missing something

And there’s no one to tell me what it is

It was supposed to be easy

No you never said that this would be easy

It was still supposed to be

There’s no way I would willingly enter into a deal that includes the possibility of collosal failure

I already know about the power of absolute failure

The percentage chance that no matter what happens you will never succeed

I don’t know why I thought anything would come of it

You can’t just put effort into things

You have to put effort into things in the way they want or it’s useless

Pointless

Meaningless

There’s nothing here but questions and words

Questions that will never have answers and words that will never live

Like why did I even try?

And higher, desire, and fire.

I really don’t like the way I’m portrayed

Helpless they in distress

I hate this part of the weak person

In my subconscious I could go anywhere

In reality I’m stuck like this

And need help

But I don’t want to need help

I haven’t wanted to need help this entire time

I wanted to be entirely independent

The rain is pouring

Like really pouring

A good, sustained, rain

It’s not helpless

It can continue its life going up and down

Into things

I hate it

Being at the mercy of others

Because they have none

They’ve demonstrated

Think I should just work harder

I worked harder until my body broke and then I couldn’t work hard anymore

And they told me to work harder still

It’s all very dehumanizing and all

It’s all very oh woe is me

It’s not like I haven’t searched the depths for joy

It’s not like I really need to be well, right?

Do you know how badly I want to just be better?

And fine?

I wish I could just get by

Just get by

Maybe then I’d be satisfied

I doubt it

I keep wanting these strange things called human relationships

So you wish for a normal life?

Cause I do

I wish I wasn’t going to sleep alone tonight

I wish my body didn’t hurt so much

Bless the fucking rain anyways

Kiss it

Beautiful stuff

The pain though

I wish that 4 hours at work today hadn’t tired me out this much.

4 hours.

I used to work 10 hour shifts like they were a walk in the park

Even did a 12 hour one once

4.

I want to apologise to my body with fibromyalgia for doing that because I gave all my hours away in my 20s apparently

Body said, nope you’ve worked your life’s worth

I am a damsel (I’m not but for the point of the quote I will be)

And I am in distress

But I’ve got this

I want to have got this

I thought I’d have it figured out

Yeah, there goes my heart

Again

As usual

Probably right on time too

Imagine

If imaginings were real

Then I miss you

But I lived in my head

I think being called out

Like something had go change right then

I didn’t want to interact with this world

Dreams and imaginings so much better than any reality could ever be

Ah, my anchor

My tether

Is it a mistake?

Maybe

The worst

You are

In my mind

You’re the place I find my heart

Silly thing

Come back home and stop wasting your

Our

Time

Why do I feel like I was dreaming them again?

I wish there was a way to course correct

But I think I’m too happy to wake up then

Too happy to even imagine something like reality exists

In space again

It’s funny when I’m dreaming I’m in space I’m fine

But when I remember dreaming I was in space I get this strike of terror

Peculiar

All at once like I’m afraid I’ll never come back

Love you Mom

Apparently it’s hard to know how terrifying something is until I’m awake

Me in my dreams

His friend

Helping the old couple

In that funny house

Being courageous

Going to freaking space

Sometimes I’ll be dreaming and reality will leak in and I’ll realise I’ve lost my walker or my cane

He seriously could have had me

The Wolf

It’s all so confused

What could have been in reality

Could I even be me in my dreams?

I’m being exploited again

It was so nice, that year where the corporation just butted the fuck out

Dream me would quit

I’ve had so many dreams where I quit a job

I worked briefly in a fast food restaurant last night

Dreams are so weird

My brain still remembers all the

Beeping

Hey

Yo

Somehow I’m still here

Just being

Yeah my heart will go there if you do that

Nothing is so terribly terrifying

Nothing doesn’t make sense so the Universe had to be here

Straight up into the celestial bodies

If all of this was destined

I’d really like to speak to the author

Imagine

Keeping on to face this destiny

Sometimes I wonder if today was my last day on Earth

Would I even die rather than live to spite that this is my life and I’ll just keep suffering thank you very much

Can’t seem to live

Can’t seem to disappear

I could swear I can smell the ocean

I wish I could go places I’ve always gone

No one could have prepared me for this life

I should have died a long time ago

Sometimes I’m really mad that I didn’t

But I have spent precious moments with these great beasts

I would continue this suffering if it means I can stay with them

Isn’t that strange?

I am strange though

Finally, sirens

Screaming into the night

Bless the rain

May it fall and drench everything

Wouldn’t that be lovely?

If I kiss the rain can it be for you instead?

You’re pretty

Do your best

And sparkle into being

It would be true for both

頑張ってのキス

Oh, please fall

Fall autocorrected to call

Silly phone

No one’s calling

Can you please give me the power to go into tomorrow?

I somehow appeared today

Still can’t manage to take care of myself

Rent money dwindling

Fuck

I want to show the world a me that can function tomorrow

Maybe I should tell myself to do my best

But it’s what I’ve been doing and it’s not enough

Never enough

Why did I just hear a crow?

Go back to sleep crow

Little by little

It’s become too much to bear

Bear

クマ?

No it’s right

Can never be too sure

People keep telling me I’m the one seeing things wrong

And the emptiness that this silence has created

It’s hard to trust myself

It’s just an echo chamber here

Of me and me

As soon as something happens I doubt I saw what I saw

But what am I to do?

Throw myself in the general direction of

Someone who is essentially no one

It’s just cultivated emotions

They prey on them like vampires

Forever trying to create a bond that is simply a line of energy straight from their herd to them

Manufactured

An imagined connection

When none actually exists

What do you want me to do?

If you ever give me the chance to be

In his gaze

I’ll get right on it

Until then

You’re going to have to figure it out on your own

It’s just another day gone by

In solitary

Doing my best all this time hasn’t changed that

I imagine running away

Just away

Into the unknown

But I know I would be hungry, cold, and miserable

I need an address for PWD anyways

I wouldn’t make it very far either

I’d probably end up curled up on the side of the road somewhere

There are things worse than this

Sometimes it’s hard to believe

I may not have rent, yet again, but

Things could be worse

We aren’t in the worse yet

It’s really sad to think this is the good times in comparison to what happens afterward

This was the good times

Gods, forgive me

I’m not happy

And the thought of it getting worse is just

I can’t see the ending

But I can see what stretches before it

A life of struggling

And pain

I do not believe this is the life that was supposed to be for me

You wouldn’t put me through something I can’t handle

But I can’t handle it

Why did you make me so alone?