Elucidating Questions

I had my phone in my hand

I was talking to my landlord’s girlfriend

I heard noises that sounded like music?

I finished talking to my landlord’s girlfriend

Came back over to sit down

And my phone was in Spotify

In my you playlist

Playing it

I can’t make this shit up

How it got on

Then from Facebook to Spotify

To my playlists

To that playlist

And started playing

I will never know

“It’s a fact of life”

I said as I sat down and laid eyes on my phone again

Yeah and apparently you’re a fact of life too

These strange things that happen

I wonder if there’s anything in this world that can explain them

Anyone

Maybe I actually cut it

Maybe this is the reverberation

Someone tell my why

That wasn’t even the playlist that was playing

I have no idea how or why

I wish I could wrap up the memory and send it as proof

All the memories

Lost though they may be

Just another thing that happened

And will fade

Just another moment I was forcibly taken to you

What is the meaning?

Let me disappear into the guitar for a moment

Somewhere I don’t need to be saved from

As it goes

I could almost take from it

If I knew how

Like it’s running my soul for a moment

If I could just reach it

Just like with my beautiful planet

So close

If I could wait an hour

Of course I can’t

It’s a very specific sound

Is it a grumble?

It’s hard to describe sound

I could exist in this for a while

If Time would let me

I need something alive to live with

When I’m searching for a sound

It does sound tough

To have to drown it

I swear the strings of my heart are made the same

To be played however the use sees fit

No one has taken it but to wreck it

What sound could come from it?

Is it a lyre?

That’s not all that I’ve got I’ve got lots more

I’m just going to keep making the lyre joke

In different ways

Silently

I need more affection than you know

I wish I could think back

To a place the future was shining

Trick of the light

It belonged to someone else

Even the sky feels nostalgic

Waiting under it a thousand thousand times

Wouldn’t you?

I wish I could set my gaze on you

I hope I can open a window for you

Big enough to fit through

Declasp the latch

I’m below a night sky

With my fears and my lies

Could you set me a direction?

Put up a flare

In the glare

Overflowing with despair

I think I feel your heart beating

Somewhere in the sound

Oh it’s just passive

You’d have to know my soul to spot it

If I see you at all

Is it everyone except you?

But when it’s him I can slip beneath the surface

Speak our private things for a moment

These secrets the celestial bodies know

I wish I could tell them to someone

It’s a shame I can’t feel real within being reflected

Hey, mister one call away

I hope you never forget how much I love you

Hey mister here’s my number, I forget the rest

I hope you find rest in the night

I’m searching for it

First thing

Pulling myself up out of this muck

I’m just barely making it

Just barely

There’s no way to stop myself from slipping ever more further backwards

I could claw the ground and I’d still slip

Treading water

Beneath the surface

Begging for a way out

How I’ve lost track of the path

Can’t even plod forward

These flash floods have me

Wishing on a light I see above that I hope is a star

If there was something someone like me could do

If there was work I could do

If I could escape this hell

Doing what I can do doesn’t seem to be enough

I can’t follow any dreams here

The pain

I can’t describe

How it claws me from the inside

Like I claw the ground

Dragging away

It’s too much

This urge to just give in

Instead I have to somehow summon the strength

Tell me where it comes from?

If I search within I am so empty

No energy

No power

Everything hurts

If this love could light

But then it would have to mean something

I wonder what a single word would have changed?

So many to choose from

Don’t trust others with your fate

But this me is so exhausted

So drained

Surely I’ve tried so hard for long enough?

If you tell me it’s just a bit further I won’t believe you

I’ve come so far

So much nothing here

So much everything everywhere

Except right here

And I am grateful for the Wind that rushes up to my knees just then

せめて

せめて

Oh and then there you are

Both of you

It’s like you know what my soul wants to say

I’m trying to get back up on my feet

But I truly believe I only have so much left in me

You get back up enough times you start thinking this is getting stupid

On repeat even

Yeah it’s just too much

Sometimes I wonder if I gave up

What would change?

It kills me

What he must think of me

How he must feel

Imagining myself being brought up in front of hundreds to hear for my crimes

Intentions are difficult

When I have them it doesn’t seem to matter

When I don’t have them things go colourless

It’s on my mind enough

Whether one is too much

Wondering who else could possibly have him on their mind as much

Rather zero

But I don’t know how to disappear

And this

Well this was already too much

So just adding to it can’t hurt

At least that’s what I think

I wonder what he’s doing

Right this second

Somewhere

And then the Wind pulls me back

In this moment

The rain I wanted didn’t happen

I’m only hoping there’s something significant in the works

I feel very trapped

In this place where I can do nothing

But what should I do?

Throw myself into the path of the flame?

I tried that once

Metaphorically

I’d just catch fire and add to the already on fire fire

In this world that I can do nothing

And the one thing I did was just the worst thing in my life

I don’t know if there is a place for me in this world

You insist?

She really likes an odd collection, doesn’t she?

Mother

I worry what he could think

I can’t ever imagine it’s anything good

Even if I sometimes imagine us laughing suddenly

I wish I didn’t find myself in these day dreams

It’s hard to pull myself from the wreckage of “waking up” from them

I wish I had a normal life

I wish I didn’t want to get involved with things that had nothing to do with me

I have no idea how to change it

Occupy my mind with something else

I’m sitting beside this ember with a fan

Listening to all it has to say as I fan it lazily

Yes, that’s nice dear

Why does my heart burn this way?

Does everything important have to be invisible?

I wish there was a way to undo whatever curse I put on myself

I’ve said I’m sorry so many times

Yet I still can’t seem to disappear

A strange and pointless struggle

I know that

I do

Can you put up with me for a while longer?

Even trying my best I can’t seem to keep quiet

The unfortunate truth of being me

Well, Sooke is still there

No twists that led to my fears coming true

And there are clouds in the sky

Maybe they heard me calling

Now they just need to become thick and grey

And actually rain

Give the firefighters some help

I don’t know where they came from

These clouds

Well, Hermes brought them

Yes, thank you

If people got to know all of you

Would things go better more often?

Or is another of those strange coincidences my life is filled with?

In any case

Rain

Those poor creatures

Those poor plants and trees

Human caused, as usual

There’s no surprise

Only reserved acceptance

Yup,

Humans do that

It took, what?

1 month into Summer true

Weather wise

BC is on fire again

I swear it wasn’t like this growing up

Maybe we just didn’t know about it?

My parents watched the news religiously though

I don’t know

All I can ask is you forgive this poor land the mistake of a fool

The mistake of however many fools

Fall I have felt you in the chill in the evening

Please bring the rains early this year

It’s okay for me to sleep right?

I haven’t had too much?

You wouldn’t take that away, right?

What little, awful quality, actually restful, sleep I get?

I swore that light was blue

But now it’s green

Green would be fine

Really, any colour

I have come such a long way

And this… 迷宮

No one enters

Only sees the surface

Only what is and not what was

Not even me

In wanting to protect my future

I have become ashamed of the past

In the interest of being the best me for no one but me

Is that selfish?

No one else really wants me though

I can’t do things for the sake of people who don’t exist

I have no recognition of it

I just wished there was enough

Enough to make him see how serious I’ve always been despite the madness

A shattered dream

And in the shards

There’s not much life left to live

If I’m being honest

It doesn’t really feel like it

Perpetual existence is so trying

The weight of existence

So do I persist only to dream?

Ever searching for this hole in my soul to be filled

Desperate for the day I don’t want anymore

If only I could join them

Even if it was just on the sidelines

If you asked me what living is

I’d say struggle

There has been little else here for me

Perhaps my soul was full of itself and needed this life

The me who I am right now didn’t

Sometimes I forget there are other galaxies

So many things are happening in this space right now and none of them are someone coming to help me escape this hell

If I were to believe

Believe someone is coming

I firmly believe you’d lead me through my whole life believing only for it to be for nothing

Or you’d turn it into something sick like

Yeah someone’s coming alright

To kill you

You haven’t given me the strength to believe

Not in anything good for myself

For other people, yes

I see other people finding happiness all the time

Shards and pieces

It’s not whole

It hasn’t been for a long time

In my heart I’m searching for a place to sleep

Repetitive dreams are more a life

Than I’ll ever get to live