Elucidating Questions

I imagine running away

Just away

Into the unknown

But I know I would be hungry, cold, and miserable

I need an address for PWD anyways

I wouldn’t make it very far either

I’d probably end up curled up on the side of the road somewhere

There are things worse than this

Sometimes it’s hard to believe

I may not have rent, yet again, but

Things could be worse

We aren’t in the worse yet

It’s really sad to think this is the good times in comparison to what happens afterward

This was the good times

Gods, forgive me

I’m not happy

And the thought of it getting worse is just

I can’t see the ending

But I can see what stretches before it

A life of struggling

And pain

I do not believe this is the life that was supposed to be for me

You wouldn’t put me through something I can’t handle

But I can’t handle it

Why did you make me so alone?

How do you stop creating?

Once I started

There hasn’t really been an end

Creating endlessly

Does it even reach?

Is there even a point, I wonder?

But I don’t know anything else

All the songs I made that never were heard

Yarn things

I’m missing out

On life

With this creation pouring from me

As if it’s searching for the same things as me

Are they in the deep with us?

In this place where I hold my breath longer than possible

A whale would drown here

Trying to connect it to something

Just became an empty cry

Will we ever find the answers?

If creating led to good things

Does that mean I just haven’t created enough?

I suppose what you create has to be good

Ah, how fitting

If we are the Rose

I wonder if we will ever bloom

Certainly the thorns

But the flowers?

The beauty?

Maybe I liked the contrast

Between me and it

Like how the grass says it’s Summer but the sky says it’s early Fall

The differences

The similarities

If you’d just say my name and bring me to life

There has to be a place

Where you’d say my name

If you saw how many times

I’ve looked up at the sky

To see a shooting star

You’d think I have great timing

When all prior history would tell you otherwise

I don’t know how to believe

It’s not hatred

Just the lack of ability to believe in it

If I could see it for a moment

確かめて

In what?

I wonder

If I could just know

There can’t be a two of us

Not as long as it’s anyone else’s decision

Unless you’re talking about the two of us

He was really pumped to hear that guitar solo

Fuck

The two of us are hopeless

It’s a fun coincidence

Amongst all the others

He probably curses it

I wish I could reach him

Just for a moment

We’re hopeless

I’d tell him

These fragments

Some

Not one

I don’t know when we shattered

It doesn’t matter

As long as our dance doesn’t falter you wouldn’t think

If you could see the spinning change direction

It’s a mind game

The us in our mind

I don’t know if I’ll ever reach it

Complete

But we can maintain the facade

If I could wake up tomorrow

With the strength to face the day

I’ve come so far

I can’t manage one more step

But all the people I called ahead to

They are gone far from my view

I can’t manage one more step alone

How do I steel myself against an unknown expanse of time in torture?

The walls were closing in long ago

I screamed

I did

もうダメって

Here we go into tomorrow

Still left to my devices

The walls vices

You kept saying take a little more

I took more

More and more

I wish I could just say no

No, show me a better tomorrow or count me out of tomorrow

でも明日に参加するのは自分の決まりにある訳ではない

でしょう

Clarity

I saw myself inside the hourglass

Begging to be let out

Let me crash into someone so the glass shatters and I’ll be free

I can resolve to be myself

But with no one to be myself with how would I know?

Don’t don’t me you don’t

The glass is clear enough

Inhale inhale

I thought I could keep going

I’m not stopped anywhere

You say, waving at everything

It’s funny for a moment

Now this is a guitar solo

Good old fashioned Japanese pop song guitar solo

Okay, I smiled once

I’m just suffering right now if you’ll excuse me

Life is so painfully long

And full of something trying to keep me going

Thanks, something

Into the night we go again?

Even if no one’s there

Now we enter the debate

Do I order food because I can’t currently feed myself?

And you may ask why I can’t feed myself

I don’t know

I’ve been trying to

But every time I go in the kitchen I just bypass it

I can’t bring myself to do anything

Keep telling myself today is the day it goes back to normal

I can’t seem to will myself

I don’t know why

I can’t explain this to my mum she’d think I’m being ridiculous but I

I can’t

And I also can’t afford to feed myself solely off of delivery

The idea of doing anything that requires a sequence of tasks

I’m about to have a sugar crash

Because I haven’t eaten since breakfast

Yeah there it is

I have to just

Just

I’m drowning

I can’t take anything right now

I need to be taken care of for a while

This society doesn’t really account for this

I can’t just go to a mental hospital or something

I have to keep going

I feel like it’s crushing me

The weight of things I have to do to

Not even treading water

I’m under

And they look at me and tell me to just swim up

Somewhere there has to be an answer

I don’t want to be taken care of

I want to do everything myself

But I don’t know what I’m going to do I can’t seem to function

Why does this take nothing

But even thinking about making myself food is such a weight?

Piling up

My needs

Versus what I have to do

It’s too heavy

I keep trying to ignore it but

How long do they expect me to keep going without my needs being met?

It’s so heavy I can’t move

Why did it become like this

God forbid someone complain a bit

This makes me uncomfortable

Why don’t you fix it then?

Because you don’t have to fix everything

Because I can stand being uncomfortable I just wanted to voice that it makes me uncomfortable

I’m uncomfortable most of the time

I’m in pain all the time already I can deal with some uncomfortable crap

I just wanted to say it bugs me

Yeah, this bugs me

I’m not gonna fix it because that’s not the point

It’s not always my responsibility to fix everything to make me more comfortable

Sometimes I just want to be acknowledged

Yes that does sound uncomfortable I’m sorry

Thank you

The end

Why do people always insist that when I’m complaining I want them or me to fix it?

There are problems with no solution

We complain so other people will know we’re suffering

以上

It’s not so complicated

I don’t want people to take responsibility

I want people to acknowledge it

Instead it’s always some interrogation

Not even questions just assumptions

Very wrong assumptions

What am I missing in communication?

Do I have to explain absolutely everything?

But if I do that tl:dr

Fuck people, actually

They act like they know everything from a snippet

I wish I didn’t live on the internet

I wish I could be free of this device

I don’t want to be left to my own devices devices devices anymore

Surely someone out there can understand me

Problems are sometimes just problems we can’t fix

Sometimes I just want to speak my mind for a moment

Even if it doesn’t change anything

Isn’t that what I’ve been doing here?

And then Benny and the Jets played

I wasn’t trying to think of you today

But it appears that’s what ended up happening

I’m trying to fill my time with something

Well that was weird

I apparently wished you were here now so hard my phone randomly switched views

Suddenly sideways

Well isn’t that fitting

Isn’t it always suddenly sideways when I come in?

Now am I the herald of bad news

The bad news itself

Or just an innocent bystander with terrible timing

“Innocent”

Ah I’m fucked

Wouldn’t it be nice if this was

Was even partially for me

Twisted beyond belief

Does my figure even resemble them anymore?

I don’t want to do what the machine tells me anymore

There’s too much to sift through by myself

It would have been fine if I didn’t jump the gun?

I would like Love, but the clouds

Teasing things

Floating in

Doing nothing

When their one job is to rain

I wonder what my one job I’m not doing is?

What is this?

Heat

いらない

Don’t you know you can the flames without even trying?

Does the Wind understand me?

Does anyone?

You can’t help me

If you could you would have

Just another accident happening continuously

Tripping over my own good intentions

If I could

Just assume myself somewhere

As someone

There’s so much not happening here

Is this the life of a side character?

Menial and stretching on

Can’t I just decide?

Is what the young one in me wants to say

And the me who is so much older than me years

Just sighs

Am I screaming in a tiny room in my head?

Hey, check, one, two

That one was funny

How do you turn this thing off?

Don’t hush

Oh if only anyone knew

Knew what happens in my head

Is it a masterpiece though?

Maybe in length

Who are you then?

Someday I’ll know someone

I’m always lonely

And alone it just so happens

Maybe it’s best no one knows the madness

If you could be quieter

If you could just let me fade away

And I’m here

I’m here

Wondering what good all this did