Elucidating Questions

I’m still in the same emergency as earlier

More exhausted

More subdued

Tomorrow I work

For what?

Nothing really.

My cheque is going to be awful

This just doesn’t seem to get better

And my mental health can’t take anymore

I want to go back to a time when money was a fun thing to have

But I don’t want to go back to the hell of living under my father either

Why did I work so hard?

All that time

For nothing in the end

I don’t want to be a slave to money anymore

Forever indebted to someone

No one could have prepared me for this life

At least I have a warm house to be in tonight

It’s something, right?

It could be worse

God that just makes me want to cry

It could be be worse than this

It probably will be

If you were going to come into my life, now would be the time

Despite the clear sky I won’t see Saturn because I’m going to bed early

Because I can’t face another hour of today

I remember his voice so sweet talking to me

I wish I could go back to that dream where suddenly everything was worth it

Not tonight

The alarm awaits me

Back to work tomorrow

I have to fight

Just to lose over and over and over again

How am I going to ever be good enough to get myself out of this mess?

If you were going to reach me

Now would be a really good time

Oh this unbridled panic

Did you see me so optimistic I would fix the problem until the day it was too late?

Believe you say

It’s not a problem until I can’t fix it so I’ll just keep it to myself okay?

I was so sure

It’s almost comical how sure I was

Dangling ever nearer to it

Homelessness

The inability to care for my animals

They would probably be better without me anyways

All I can think about is crying

Not that it’s ever solved a problem before but I just

I just want to cry until someone comes to lie and tell me it’s okay

Even if it’s not true

Even if it will never be true

There’s so little in me left

I don’t know why I’m dragging my sorry, barely functioning, carcass through this stupid human race that is more like trying to scale a sheer cliff and some people get safety gear and some people don’t

Some get a rope up

There is a very real possibility that this chronicle of mine will end when my life at this place does

And that end is coming ever nearer

Now don’t you all come tumbling out of the woodwork to help or anything

If I say it three times will it come?

Help

Help

Help

I’m clicking my heels

Desperately

Oh help

I just fucked right up again

Don’t mind me

Dreaming of words

Living in hell

So do I kill myself before I end up homeless or just go along with this too?

Just submit

I wish I could

I wish I could believe anything here has my best interest at heart

I continue to be nothing

Who’s going to save me if the only one coming to save me is me?

Who’s going to save me from me?

My landlord just decided one day that I’m paying rent for the current month when I’d been paying rent for the following month since signing the lease

And now he’s using that against me to be angry at me for half of rent being less than a week late because it’s actually “over a month late”

And I can’t fight him on it because what am I supposed to do?

So I’m just edging ever closer to the end of this tenancy

I’m challenging

No one ever considers how challenging this has all been for me

How it will continue to be

If $400 wanted to show up

That would be great

I can’t ask my mum

I already failed her two months in a row

God I wish I knew what to do

I just want to have a home

I just want to be worthy of having a home

Maybe I was just put here to suffer

To record suffering

If not, what for?

I’m not doing much else

And I say it’s like hell

But it was already like hell before this

So, what, super hell?

I had a dream last night

We were talking about something

And then I realised in the dream that you spoke to me as if you hadn’t before in other dreams

And I just felt this relief

Affection

Maybe that was my brain telling me it’s not too late

It was still so sour to wake up and remember it

If it’s not too late, what is it?

This long stretch

There’s just so little I can do

From here

And all I seem to be doing is suffering

Is it sufficient?

If it was wouldn’t the door have opened or you would have said something

I need proof that I’m alive

It’s so hard to tell

So lonely that sometimes I swear the house is speaking

If only someone would

Be my proof of existence

So few people see me

I feel like a ghost

A ghost that just wanders this island suffering

On this island

Everyone has their problems here

But when I suggest not suffering they adamantly cling to their problems

Like they should have them

The most beautiful hell

So alive

Can we not help everyone?

But I sit in the deep

Contemplating my life

My existence

The fact that I have to die after this has been my entire life

The Winds calm me

If only I could smash that fucking wind chime

Not yet

No death yet

If you could only see how I interact with the wind

But it’s invisible so no one will ever know

No one will ever know any of it

Not unless they read

But could I continue to write knowing who was reading it?

I wish for nothing but to live in general comfort

Because my body doesn’t allow me a moment of physical comfort

It seems so far away and unlikely

I wish for but never expect there to be people physically in my life in the future

At the very least can’t I just live a quiet, comfortable, life?

I don’t know how any other person on PWD is living in a house right now

I’m better off than so many people

And I don’t understand how people let people even get to my level of destitute

So much farther to sink

There will probably be a time I can’t write anymore because I won’t have internet or a phone

If only someone would

Stop this falling

I didn’t even jump I was pushed

It’s wrong to expect someone to help me

And I’m sorry I still wish someone would

I’m sorry I need them to

There’s so much going on.

I need a vacation

It’s like I can feel your heartbeat

In the beat

And I wish there was a normal love for me

Something cheesy and stupid

Something that current me would look at and feel vaguely grossed out by

And you

If I can feel your aliveness

And their’s and their’s

And the stars still shine above the clouds

I always have to remind myself

They’re still shining

Somewhere

All this existence around me

All I want is to resonate

I could try to do something else but that’s wrong

So why?

Why does it fleet, fleet, fly?

And I want to be angry at the target

Why do you call it if you don’t want it?

Surely I should feel refused

All this time I’d rather you have broken it so long ago

The vision

Shattered it along with the dream

But, no, you spin

And spin in the dark

And I can’t be angry at things I don’t know

But can you feel it?

This anger in me for all things

Surely I was sent to sway in the song of the winds

Ah

An interloper

But don’t you want to make the fire

Burn for something else?

Stole my vibe just then

I wish you felt me too

Could hear this epic struggle of mine

No, I didn’t realise silence could go on this long

But I keep trying

Damn

And at this point

It’s probably too late to fix it

How do you quell the anger of a person so hell bent on loving the unlovable

Unlovable for the want of it

The unwanting

Oh dang apparently this is my jam

We used to sit in the dark listening to this song

I’m alright, I’m fine

I’m not going to close my eyes

Somehow

For some reason

Just for a moment

Look at you reminiscing

Contributing

Yeah

If you went away

What would be left of me?

Silent love

Me, have you ever heard a word?

From me

It was nice to sit next to someone on the bus even if it was a ghost

Who will find me if I’m left with none of me?

Who is You?

Who am I singing for?

It’s hot!

I’m complaining but I’m happy

It’s muggy

That awful

You’re in a rainforest in Summer

Feeling

And it’s glorious

I haven’t felt this heat in years

So I’ll complain

It’s too warm!

Thank god

Thank god

That this weather still exists

Bless the rains

And the clouds

And the Sun who are creating this lovely

Green sauna-y feeling

That I hate

It’s great

Will it snow this year?

This strange weather I recognise

Like home

I haven’t been here in so long

So long

This place that looks nothing the same

But this smell

This smell I know

Do you recognise it?

Have you even noticed?

This Earth she loves you so yet I doubt you know

Have even noticed

Wouldn’t find you writing silly songs to the wind and rain

These 当たり前な事

No, nothing

You sing of the lightning and thunder

Do you even recognise its scent?

What’s this doing here?

People who think discussing the weather is “small talk”

Bore me

Weather is not menial

It is fascinating

It is more real than any number of things human beings are so caught up in

Hi

A sudden closeness

I was good

I went to the dentist

I’m brave and such

Terrified of the dentist

We face terrors

Nothing could hurt as much as silence

Nothingness

我慢

So I do it

It’s just a minute or an hour or a day

One more day

But if you showed me a bit more of home now and then

Maybe I could 我慢 better

I wonder what other wonders the weather will tell me this year that others will miss?

A feeling

I’ve got a feeling

That I’ll get a view of Saturn by week’s end

Somehow

Knowing nothing

Knowing I’m on to something

She takes such good care of us

I wish we could take care of her too

That we could heal this damage.

What’s up?

You all upset I refused you last night?

Sometimes it’s just not time for music

I think of him too much

Just like blink and it’s gone to his side again

Silly child

Every part of my life has been about chasing

Things that would never be

Do you hear me?

Do you hear me?

No one ever has

Connection

繋いでる事

No one really tried

But the Earth

The Sun

The other listening sort

It’s like I can feel their joy when I’m genuinely happy

So much so that my own happiness is embarrassing sometimes

What they enjoy

Is it spirits?

Whispers in the cosmos?

I do not know

Maybe I never will