Elucidating Questions

How apt

This song

Sometimes you say goodbye over and over and over again

It hit me today Mel

You again

And I’d been expecting it

But not like that

A customer came in to return jeans

They were late

They were late because she bought them for her husband

And then he died

And my god

Over and over and over and over

My heart was seeking it

Telling me I had been

Too well

Excuse the past month I just barely existed in

But I didn’t expect to come smashing into a wall

It’s a wall

I’ll just live in you for a bit Chester

All this pain

Is there a universe where you lived?

Now I don’t know if I’m talking about Chester or Mel

I’ve wondered

Why you left me here

Just one more goodbye

It’s never hello

Yes, quiet

Like it’s been a loud day

If I had any power at all

I’d undo all the final mistakes

Go to the dark place that held them

Take their hands and help them out

Looking for someone and all I’m finding is you

Are you somehow watching even when I’m not aware?

Aren’t there more important people?

I underestimate

Is it strange I can see this grin

Cheeky

Knowing

Well, however

Work was a fucking gong show

Suddenly we’re doing everything differently because of the new manager

They now expect me to reprice over half the returns we get

While still being solo on cash

Oh, by the way, you’re the only associate in the store

Man

And I really need things but can’t afford them

I wonder what I’m working for?

So much effort for nothing

I am exhausted

That was a lot of feeling for one day

Corporate bootlicker managers

Well, I should say, one manager

Ah, well,

We coexist

Well

I bend over backwards to coexist

They do whatever they want

I don’t know if you’ve ever actually felt heartbreak

My life is full of it

They never live up to my hopes

I learned not to have expectations

Is there even a place we only know?

Acadia is gone

My forest is gone

My place

I haven’t found another

I’m sure it’s different

For the other

I wish I could go back to Japan

I wish I had a way to go back

No, I’d rather forget about you

Forget about everything about this life

Everything

I wish I could forget about you like I forget everything else

Wake up one day and have no idea who you are

If only

If only my brain didn’t know your voice

Recreate it in my dreams

I wish this was a world were I didn’t have to struggle

This came on

Ever after か

ないよそんなのは

Somehow I’ll make it without that

Love is something other people experience

I’m merely here to observe

I’m still in the same emergency as earlier

More exhausted

More subdued

Tomorrow I work

For what?

Nothing really.

My cheque is going to be awful

This just doesn’t seem to get better

And my mental health can’t take anymore

I want to go back to a time when money was a fun thing to have

But I don’t want to go back to the hell of living under my father either

Why did I work so hard?

All that time

For nothing in the end

I don’t want to be a slave to money anymore

Forever indebted to someone

No one could have prepared me for this life

At least I have a warm house to be in tonight

It’s something, right?

It could be worse

God that just makes me want to cry

It could be be worse than this

It probably will be

If you were going to come into my life, now would be the time

Despite the clear sky I won’t see Saturn because I’m going to bed early

Because I can’t face another hour of today

I remember his voice so sweet talking to me

I wish I could go back to that dream where suddenly everything was worth it

Not tonight

The alarm awaits me

Back to work tomorrow

I have to fight

Just to lose over and over and over again

How am I going to ever be good enough to get myself out of this mess?

If you were going to reach me

Now would be a really good time

Oh this unbridled panic

Did you see me so optimistic I would fix the problem until the day it was too late?

Believe you say

It’s not a problem until I can’t fix it so I’ll just keep it to myself okay?

I was so sure

It’s almost comical how sure I was

Dangling ever nearer to it

Homelessness

The inability to care for my animals

They would probably be better without me anyways

All I can think about is crying

Not that it’s ever solved a problem before but I just

I just want to cry until someone comes to lie and tell me it’s okay

Even if it’s not true

Even if it will never be true

There’s so little in me left

I don’t know why I’m dragging my sorry, barely functioning, carcass through this stupid human race that is more like trying to scale a sheer cliff and some people get safety gear and some people don’t

Some get a rope up

There is a very real possibility that this chronicle of mine will end when my life at this place does

And that end is coming ever nearer

Now don’t you all come tumbling out of the woodwork to help or anything

If I say it three times will it come?

Help

Help

Help

I’m clicking my heels

Desperately

Oh help

I just fucked right up again

Don’t mind me

Dreaming of words

Living in hell

So do I kill myself before I end up homeless or just go along with this too?

Just submit

I wish I could

I wish I could believe anything here has my best interest at heart

I continue to be nothing

Who’s going to save me if the only one coming to save me is me?

Who’s going to save me from me?

My landlord just decided one day that I’m paying rent for the current month when I’d been paying rent for the following month since signing the lease

And now he’s using that against me to be angry at me for half of rent being less than a week late because it’s actually “over a month late”

And I can’t fight him on it because what am I supposed to do?

So I’m just edging ever closer to the end of this tenancy

I’m challenging

No one ever considers how challenging this has all been for me

How it will continue to be

If $400 wanted to show up

That would be great

I can’t ask my mum

I already failed her two months in a row

God I wish I knew what to do

I just want to have a home

I just want to be worthy of having a home

Maybe I was just put here to suffer

To record suffering

If not, what for?

I’m not doing much else

And I say it’s like hell

But it was already like hell before this

So, what, super hell?

I had a dream last night

We were talking about something

And then I realised in the dream that you spoke to me as if you hadn’t before in other dreams

And I just felt this relief

Affection

Maybe that was my brain telling me it’s not too late

It was still so sour to wake up and remember it

If it’s not too late, what is it?

This long stretch

There’s just so little I can do

From here

And all I seem to be doing is suffering

Is it sufficient?

If it was wouldn’t the door have opened or you would have said something

I need proof that I’m alive

It’s so hard to tell

So lonely that sometimes I swear the house is speaking

If only someone would

Be my proof of existence

So few people see me

I feel like a ghost

A ghost that just wanders this island suffering

On this island

Everyone has their problems here

But when I suggest not suffering they adamantly cling to their problems

Like they should have them

The most beautiful hell

So alive

Can we not help everyone?

But I sit in the deep

Contemplating my life

My existence

The fact that I have to die after this has been my entire life

The Winds calm me

If only I could smash that fucking wind chime

Not yet

No death yet

If you could only see how I interact with the wind

But it’s invisible so no one will ever know

No one will ever know any of it

Not unless they read

But could I continue to write knowing who was reading it?

I wish for nothing but to live in general comfort

Because my body doesn’t allow me a moment of physical comfort

It seems so far away and unlikely

I wish for but never expect there to be people physically in my life in the future

At the very least can’t I just live a quiet, comfortable, life?

I don’t know how any other person on PWD is living in a house right now

I’m better off than so many people

And I don’t understand how people let people even get to my level of destitute

So much farther to sink

There will probably be a time I can’t write anymore because I won’t have internet or a phone

If only someone would

Stop this falling

I didn’t even jump I was pushed

It’s wrong to expect someone to help me

And I’m sorry I still wish someone would

I’m sorry I need them to

There’s so much going on.

I need a vacation

It’s like I can feel your heartbeat

In the beat

And I wish there was a normal love for me

Something cheesy and stupid

Something that current me would look at and feel vaguely grossed out by

And you

If I can feel your aliveness

And their’s and their’s

And the stars still shine above the clouds

I always have to remind myself

They’re still shining

Somewhere

All this existence around me

All I want is to resonate

I could try to do something else but that’s wrong

So why?

Why does it fleet, fleet, fly?

And I want to be angry at the target

Why do you call it if you don’t want it?

Surely I should feel refused

All this time I’d rather you have broken it so long ago

The vision

Shattered it along with the dream

But, no, you spin

And spin in the dark

And I can’t be angry at things I don’t know

But can you feel it?

This anger in me for all things

Surely I was sent to sway in the song of the winds

Ah

An interloper

But don’t you want to make the fire

Burn for something else?

Stole my vibe just then

I wish you felt me too

Could hear this epic struggle of mine

No, I didn’t realise silence could go on this long

But I keep trying

Damn

And at this point

It’s probably too late to fix it

How do you quell the anger of a person so hell bent on loving the unlovable

Unlovable for the want of it

The unwanting

Oh dang apparently this is my jam

We used to sit in the dark listening to this song

I’m alright, I’m fine

I’m not going to close my eyes

Somehow

For some reason

Just for a moment

Look at you reminiscing

Contributing

Yeah

If you went away

What would be left of me?

Silent love

Me, have you ever heard a word?

From me

It was nice to sit next to someone on the bus even if it was a ghost

Who will find me if I’m left with none of me?

Who is You?

Who am I singing for?