Elucidating Questions

I always get so nervous

Only for nothing to change

I don’t even know what I want

Acknowledgement that I exist?

Yeah, maybe that

At this point I wouldn’t expect more

You’d think

You’d think

I’d have won the lottery by now

Recieved a little like

Yeah you exist

If I could make it more grand

Then again it is grande

Is it as simple as cutting off a letter?

Is anything simple?

The colours of my heart don’t shine

They don’t

I’d even join someone’s harem

Just to feel noticed sometimes

This me

I can’t take care of me all by myself

I wish I had been given a life where I could

I don’t even know if I’m real anymore

Just an NPC

I go to work and then cease to exist until I go to work again

Am I really just a cashier?

Just that?

Nothing else?

Not even me?

Without being known

I am nothing

To know I exist

That I’m not just some extra in everyone else’s life

I find myself imagining such a world

And then telling me off because my imaginings are never real

And if they can’t be real what is more pitiful than finding them in a daydream?

In my dreams it’s not my fault that he appears and we’re well known to eachother

Daydreams have an element of the dream, but surely I know I’m awake

Maybe

Don’t dream of him anymore

Let him fade away

I know I may never find what I’m looking for anywhere else

But the doors are closed and refuse to budge

And where ever “God” opened the window it’s somewhere so far from me

That it’s clear I was never meant to find it

When I think all of this was planned

The rage in me

How it boils

And to dangle some possibility so far ahead of me I can’t even see it

Some possibility that someone probably already took from me

And tell me to keep going

In spite of my life thus far

I don’t see it

And it’s never just for me

Every possibility taken

And then you settle me with last place and tell me not to settle with last place

It’s such a wonder I’m mad

Not

What could I be?

A cashier

Thank you for giving me this backbreaking job

I don’t know

What did I expect?

I keep thinking surely tomorrow will be different

Should I not know better by now?

You’ve strung me along for almost 7 years with this

You’re going to have to put up or shut up soon

If you told me at 15 when I took all those Tylenol that this would be waiting for me if I lived

I would have emptied the bottle and never got scared and told my father

If you’d told me at 27 when I was just not fucking dying that I’d be alone for another 7 years

I would have walked into traffic

I would have stayed with my ex until he killed me

A year of being alone, but with a monster

At some point

If there are another 200 tomorrows like this

Hundreds of nights of repeated dreams

I’d just kindly like to bow out

While I still have what’s left of me

Are you even out there in the night?

Somewhere awake

Is this all just some dream of mine?

We’re such good friends in my dreams though

Just in my dreams

It would be kinder for my mind to let me forget

We don’t live with kind minds though, do we?

I don’t know what I was meant to be

Definitely didn’t live up to expectations

Definitely a colossal failure

It’s hard to reconcile with it

Hard to see all the wasted emotions

Scattered

I thought about changing it so getting back farther was easier

But I don’t think that’s the problem

I think I’m the problem

I’m simply not fit for human consumption

We’ve come to this conclusion before

Imagine if I was?

Ah, well, I am me

I’ve been twisted by myself

Because I’ve been by myself

And this is where I find myself over and over again

Here in this silence

I wish the sirens would play

Is there something for me here?

Or is it out there?

Friends

Friends sounds nice

I have friends in my dreams

Can they come out into the daytime please?

I suppose I’m going to them again

The repeatings

I can’t figure out if it’s a game I’m playing

Or if I’m actually doing the searching

If it’s a dream maybe it is both

I don’t know what I’m doing

I don’t know what I’m doing

I don’t know what I’m doing

I don’t suppose that will work any better than asking for help

This world I’m in

Was this really on purpose?

I pity my muse for being my muse

Gorgeous

Tragic

Tired

I sure hope you took a nap

But with me buzzing around

Constantly searching for something I couldn’t find in you

Something I’ve never had before

Something I wouldn’t recognise

Oh to leave this life behind

See something different

I’m so sick of change that starts out terrible

I’m already at terrible

Please stop trying to make it worse

I wish I knew why it goes to you

Is there something besides voice and eyes and face?

Searching for substance

Somewhere

Mostly where I’ve been

Not searching

Maybe waiting is the better word

How do you find something you’ve never seen before?

How do I know who to trust?

Fuck up once, fine, whatever

So many times

I’d feel sorry for you but you seem content to let me spin in the dark

So maybe I should be content with not quite disappearing

Even in the dark it’s still there

A memory?

All I am is what people remember about me

Nothing more

Who I am is so chaotic

I’m so chaotic

I don’t believe you could come up with someone who can contend with me

I’ll just be here

Here I am

Sorry you inadvertently contributed to this mess

Yes, apparently, I need only think of a song and there it is

That’s what’s queer

Shit’s queerer than me

When was the last time indeed

Oh I don’t know

I don’t know now as much as I didn’t know earlier when I thought of this song while writing

I hope there’s a me someday

Who doesn’t have to live in dreams

If you howl I’ll sing okay?

I never really get to sing

Maybe I’m calling the rain

Wow, you’ve got them queued up and everything

It’s always funny when the opener is Eleanora

You almost wish it was for me

I wish I could see it

Something really telling me to keep going

When I say I’m hopeless

They just don’t know what to say

It’s hopeless

Yet here I am

I wonder what it’s like to have a reason to live?

Even if I reach for it

It’s ever out of my reach

I don’t know what you were expecting

It can’t be this right?

And being able to think summon songs is all great and stuff

But it’s not even close to what I want

Another fun trick I’ll never prove

Maybe my crazy has affected the Universe

I wonder what it’s for

Am I attracted to the guy or am I attracted to what sounds like him in his voice?

Whatever your name is

Freddie Mercury

Wrong planet!

Here I am like Mars? Jupiter?

Mercury

I mean

Maybe, it’s in the name

Nah, but there’s just a hint

Is it natural or modelled I wonder?

I wish I could sound like that

Oh this is more my singing type

Dear Spotify: Did you hear me singing this in my head earlier this week?

Cosmic DJ pulling the brain reading again

Now if only I could remember the name of the anime this came from

My collection

Who knows what it came from

The fated time approaches

It’s the season of love

Of course this is a spring song

It’s just late this year

Or perhaps I was late to think of it?

I seem to have to think of a song for it to play

Remind the Universe it exists?

Cosmic DJ?

What other obscure song can I think of?

I’ve lost so many

The complete retrieval of my music was not so complete I learned decades later

Please tell me how to manage three thousand songs

I don’t know

Brain not doing the thing right now

I don’t think I’m so wild anymore

Oh and Spotify is suddenly obsessed with Lucky Star

It would be really funny if my vibe energy partying was pissing off an alien somewhere

If it actually had an effect on anything

It’s fun

Whatever it is

You definitely are my gravity

You’re also the person I most recognise in my dreams besides family

I can’t forget

Like you’re not even there

We don’t exist

On the same plain

I wish we could for a moment

Just for a moment

And just once not wake up from it

If this is the beginning

What was the first half of my life for?

Like here I have been

Waiting for a chance

How am I supposed to get it right if I don’t know what I’m supposed to do?

No wonder it distorts

If this is the beginning explain it to 33 years of me why they had to struggle

If it gets better

I have to explain to all those me’s that they were just on standby

At that point an afterthought

And how can you say something like “it just wasn’t time yet”

What right does fate have to hold me like this?

Empty in this space?

Alone and desperate

I do terrible things when I’m desperate

You could say Don’t we all

But I don’t get excuses

And, yeah, I burn down

Plunged into the deep

But I get back up

Kind of

With a limp

Tis but a flesh wound

傷だらけ姿で

It’s just all I am

Yes I know you’re there

Oh hot ball

I don’t think anyone’s going to be saving me

As much as I wish they would

So, all I hear is

The want to escape

While I am trapped in this life

Don’t I just wish

To be put back together?

What’s left of the dream?

How I wanted to see you

And I am a fool for thinking so

Because what I wanted to see is not a person

But an ideal

If I was any good at this

Something would have happened by now

No?

Where am I on the chart?

Am I on it at all?

How can things be so grey when I can see the colours?

If you’d take a dare

Heh nope that never worked either

Will I ever feel alive again?

I haven’t felt alive in so long

I thought it was being forced out of me

But I can turn it off

Curious

Music buzzy energy whatsit

Turn offable

Not that I’d want to

When it feels like it’s coming from me

What it is I couldn’t tell you

These mysteries

Maybe you couldn’t handle it

Maybe my inner world is too vast for anyone to handle

I wish they would

Someone

Help me make sense of it all

I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing

If I don’t know how am I supposed to do it right?

Yes

Ever the empty seat

Thank you for filling it from time to time spirit

I wonder if I’ll ever see the Wolf again

I miss him

I miss everyone I used to know and now don’t

One way or another

And even some I’ll never know and never did

It’s so easy to miss people you’ve never met

See

I don’t know

It can’t be the beginning

It’s already halfway over

Isn’t it?