Elucidating Questions

I socialised

With people

Actual people

Not text on a screen

Real

I could read their reactions to my subjects and change the topic depending

And I’m not the best at reading reactions

I’m not

But I could try

I couldn’t figure out when to talk

That’s something that has become much worse in my isolation

I interrupt people accidentally

Infer the end of their sentence for them

It’s not on purpose

つい

I have to do my best to try to solve these problems

But I don’t have any practice

And then I was on the side of the street and back to once

Silly heart

Yeah we’ve fucked up

Maybe I’ve come to hate them

Overflowing with love

It’s only when I’ve been starved for attention that I lash out

In the wrong direction

There’s a squirrel above my head

And the people in this neighborhood say hello when they walk by

Am I not invisible?

Curious

Ooooh another horse

And there’s dogs everywhere

I like this place

Horses are gorgeous beasts

Loafs with necks on stilts

The ocean is right there but I can’t visit them

I think I still know how to talk

Right?

The downside of this is, of course, the withdrawal

Socialisation is a drug

And now I have to go through the process of disappearing again

The long, difficult process

The next time my brain needs someone to talk to I have to tell it there’s no one again

Another horse

I love the sound of their feet

They wanted to come visit me

Oh another!

Oh Poseidon you spoil me so

I feel well loved here

With your scent carried by the winds

There is a place here

Is this where I’m headed next?

So few of my sudden divergences into uncharted territory have no meaning

Another place I know and don’t know

I wouldn’t mind knowing it better

I almost fear going home

When I walk in

I’ll be alone again

Whispers of old conversations flow through me

Things I shouldn’t have said

Things I should have

And traveling back to them

My mind wants a do over

I gently tell it time has passed

You’re days, months, years late

It still flits to them

As if there’s a way to alter the past through remembering

I try to remind it that the memory gets more dirty the more you go to it

Slowly warped by time

As it goes

And these memories

They enter my mind

I agonize over it for a moment

And then they’re gone

And I can’t even remember what I was worrying over

Drive by torture

À la my own brain

So many things I wish I did differently

At least besides the great regret

There isn’t much I’ve done these past years to harm anyone

And usually I apologise when I’m less than personable for whatever reason

I’m trying

These regrets

They’re about a different me

A me who is long gone

Still I 悩む

Maybe that’s just me

Handling a me that’s less than perfect

My biggest critic is me

I know that

And I deserve better than this

Hours locked in the halls of my mind

I deserve better

I deserve someone I can talk to without feeling like a burden

So that when my mind closes me in I have a rope to pull myself out again

And you may think I’m just a child crying about not having enough

I can guarantee I’m in the ranking for most lonely person

It’s not a tantrum

I deserve better than this

There’s a part of me that wishes everything would go right

And there is a part of me that is afraid to be real with people

Because I’ve been hurt so many times

Because I’ve never been enough

While simultaneously being too much

There’s a dawn to even the darkest night

But what if I’m a rogue planet?

Hurtling through the cosmos?

Is there any hope for me, besides crashing?

Or perhaps to escape the gravity of even the greatest star devourers, out into the endless nothing?

Signaling a nearby star did nothing

I desperately I wanted to revolve around someone

So desperately

Maybe revolve with someone around something

I feel, in the evening, among to sounds of late Summer gatherings, so devoid of connection in this place

You’re still the one

And I don’t know why

And I don’t know why

But this is more about them than it is about me

Still about their happy ending

And mine is still gone

This song isn’t about me

It’s endless

This road I’ve taken

And lonely

What a curious moment for Arcturus to pop through the clouds

If it’s not right in front of me it’s like it was never there at all

Kissing the stars goodnight

Coming and going behind the clouds

What is the meaning of a smile?

Why does it feel like a secret power bestowed by the gods?

Like something I own, but that I also give away

To any passing spirit that grabs my attention

I wish I could fix this world

Quell the fears

So much fear

Something that can be hard to handle if you’re not trained

I’ve done nothing but face my fears these past few weeks

It is a mystery

Really, he should feel special

Oh well

Maybe I’m just not interested in people?

No, that’s obviously a lie

But people always turn out

Colder than I expected

What is this, Queen hour?

Somebody to Love is like my begrudging anthem

I wish I had somebody to love

Someone to accept it

Who recognises that it’s been damaged beyond believe and needs help repairing

I guess if it’s not

I should be more thoughtful of the thing

I have missed every day without you

And the clock ticks away

May the same thing that saves me save you

For some reason I have to fight

So you do too

It’s just a song

Someday we’ll be thinking about how that song isn’t about us anymore

Until then I suppose the night is my life

And the day is an unfortunate in

The loneliness

Fills every crevice

My lungs drown in it

My smile just for the gods because no one else sees it

They don’t know I’m never smiling behind my mask

Faking it

It’s in everything I do

My desperation for connection with someone

Can’t we just be two creative minds connecting?

Why is he your answer to my loneliness?

The man who told me all my friends would get bored of me and leave

And was right?

I was foolish to believe the brainwashing about friends being forever

I was also a child

And adults should know better than painting unattainable fantasies for their young

It’s a good thing I can’t get drugs right now

Made me promise myself I wouldn’t go looking

Show some of my power over self and keep it

How I want to disappear into brain melt

It would be bearable

The endless loneliness

If you’d give me something to keep the edge off

I do not need to calm down

Okay maybe

Cosmic DJ shut your damn face

I’m not okay. I’m not okay.

I’m not okay…

I will be

This is a moment

You know, the something to take the edge off could be a human

Urgeless beings telling the being with nothing but urges to control them

Control your perfect timing, why don’t you?

Yes, pain.

And I know it’s a lie

I know it’s a lie and I’ll just feel awful whenever I’m not doing it and the only time I’ll feel is when I’m high

No, okay, thank you for the metaphysical full body shake

This loneliness

It is swallowing me whole

Who knows what the meaning behind these happenings is

It’s doing a fine job of keeping me sane

Good job, something

Just sane enough

It’s like I’m drowning but this mysterious beast just comes along every once in a while and refills my lungs

Beasts?

Who knows

Sometimes it feels like there’s a billion different things

And one

Taking care of me

Wondering how I could be that special

But maybe everyone has their own chorus

Hermes thinks that’s funny

Maybe not in the classical sense, okay?

Guardian spirits

Maybe anyone can connect to the Sun

That would be how I prefer it

I only want to be I little bit special

Like special to one person

Not to everything

I want to be noticed

I don’t want to stand out

Both of these things are true

I would trade my soul for a wish

I wish I had a friend nearby who could come to visit me.

I wish they would help me around the house sometimes and not hold it against me and understand that I need help

People endlessly tell me how stupid I am and then I assume everyone knows what I know because I’m so stupid and then people attack me as if I’m showing off

I don’t understand

What do you want from me?

I try so hard to just exist

It’s endless

It’s endless

I just want it to stop

What a stupid reason to cry

So I’m stupid right?

So why doesn’t everyone know what I know?

Frustrating

Maddening

Humanity is going to drive me insane

Must conform exactly to how they want me to be or else they’ll attack me

I’m stupid

I can’t figure out what they want from me

How did a lighthearted comment get all this?

Like I’m happy for her.

People tell me I’m illiterate

But I apparently know too many words?

People tell me all these things they see about me

Repeatedly

But then I’m apparently showing off?

If I’m so stupid why does everyone get pissed off at me for “being better” when I’m not?

This is my socialisation for the day

So far I’m a dip shit who shows off and tries to seem superior

I just want to connect with someone

Why are they like this?

Why can’t you swallow my loneliness?

I attract people who hurt me

I tried to find someone who wouldn’t

It’s been 7 years almost

The isolation started in November 2017

One year of abuse

I don’t have any armour left

You destroyed it when you made me meet with my father

Do you want the grey?

I can’t maintain contentment when this is happening

I’m stupid

Why does everything I say blow up in my face

It continues as usual.

My first interaction of the day being told to get a grip

Now I’m a dip shit

I told you I can’t handle this shit

Do I talk like this to people?

Do I actually deserve this?

Did I not give out enough discount-

She flew right up to me

Incoming hummingbird

Did she sense me suffering?

Why do people act as if someone being wrong is a moral failure?

I’m sorry being wrong makes me a bad person

I want to start today over

This just plunged me back into the pain of isolation

That this is all I’ll get today

Like there isn’t some thousand love letters among my stupidity

Like this is my punishment for treading near the feet of a god

It always feels like he has a hand in it

Even though he doesn’t

Maybe he did curse me

He probably did

It’s not fair that this is it

It’s not fair