Elucidating Questions

It continues as usual.

My first interaction of the day being told to get a grip

Now I’m a dip shit

I told you I can’t handle this shit

Do I talk like this to people?

Do I actually deserve this?

Did I not give out enough discount-

She flew right up to me

Incoming hummingbird

Did she sense me suffering?

Why do people act as if someone being wrong is a moral failure?

I’m sorry being wrong makes me a bad person

I want to start today over

This just plunged me back into the pain of isolation

That this is all I’ll get today

Like there isn’t some thousand love letters among my stupidity

Like this is my punishment for treading near the feet of a god

It always feels like he has a hand in it

Even though he doesn’t

Maybe he did curse me

He probably did

It’s not fair that this is it

It’s not fair

Let’s play a game

Am I crying because I’m drunk?

Or am I crying because I was dying for socialisation today and didn’t get any?

And now I’m being called a twat for disagreeing that some woman discovered the word demure

I want socialisation

I’m not a fucking woman

Use some other insult

I’ve never said things like that, have I?

To other people?

I don’t feel special

I haven’t felt special in decades

I feel like society’s trash

Everything is fine

It’s the alcohol

It’s the emotional tightrope I’m currently walking

Don’t know how to reconcile all my needs suddenly being met

With still feeling like a complete zero

Why are people so vicious?

I don’t feel like I deserved this reaction

I disagreed with a headline

Got told I was trying to feel special, was “flexing”, was “full of shit” and am a twat

I don’t think people understand my tone

Or what rhetorical questions are

I’m nothing compared to the people I meet online daily

Boisterous

Passionate

But I rarely say anything with the intent to hurt

That rarely is rarely ever before someone said something to hurt me first

The kicked animal bites

Wouldn’t it be nice to see a world where I have a companion?

I don’t need a saviour

I don’t need a guard

I don’t even need an advocate if you won’t spring that for me

Someone to talk to

The Owl flits into my brain for some reason

Hello, I hope you’re well

Just someone to…

Someone who I don’t feel guilty for bothering

God, there’s literally one person on the planet I don’t feel guilty for bothering and I probably should

Sorry

Why can’t things just align?

Can’t they?

That sentence doesn’t make sense not contracted

Cannot they?

If I could stand in front of him

Oh I don’t know who him is

I want to say “anyone”

Anyone ends up with me being smothered

If I’m specific that person won’t exist

I wish I could stand in front of someone who can really love me

Someone who would see me even though my outsides don’t match the inside

Why is that too much

Just more proof I don’t speak the same language as other people

Apparently the word “demure” has been missing from the English lexicon and has just now been revived by Tik Tok

Some several hundred years of literature might disagree

Maybe not

Maybe I dreamed it being a word I use just as commonly as any other descriptor

When relevant

I don’t know

Still, is my life any better?

All these issues with me are the same

And it’s not that I don’t want to understand

It’s that they yell at me and tell me I’m wrong

And that’s it.

That’s fine

That as usual it’s not just what I said that’s wrong it’s that I’m wrong

Is there any real progress besides putting a shiny bow on things?

I don’t know how to make words work

Someone tell me the right words?

It’s fine

I want to connect to people

But I can’t

Cosmic DJ never let me go

But instead of bringing these words

And those words

Bring me words I can sing

Immediately they comply

Thanks a bunch

Opening the door of dreams

Dream’s door?

I wish I could know why we haven’t met

What’s keeping me from you

If I could just sing

People would understand me if I could just sing

These words things, I’m so bad at them

So bad at aligning them in such a way that works

What I want to say is not containable in so many characters and syllables

And the rain falls

What does everything mean?

Things just happen too…

My life is too well written

Thrashing and screaming, dragging myself along

Ask for help a few times

Suddenly money happens

It’s too well written to be random

Too well thought out

But it’s also pointedly missing something huge

Companionship

In any form

I miss Supi

She was my little piggy soul mate

A bond unquestionable

It’s gone from my life

It’s really raining now

Late Summer downpour

It’s just so ビミョウ

Well that word won’t translate, but whatever

Without someone to share with

I’m now fine, financially, for a while

But I’m still alone

Eight days

I’ll probably shatter again

You have no power over me

I say and then am blown apart by a single verse

The internet is a bad place for me

Nice, immediately agree

I could make it a vacation but I feel so nervous traveling

Solo disabled person who can’t defend themselves travels around Vancouver late at night, no vehicle

Yah, okay

It would be nice if I could become famous so my actual one love could find me

Become known so I can help them find me

It can’t be my destiny to be alone

It can’t be because the Universe wouldn’t do that to me

I’m not a bad person

Bored and irrational, yes

I invite any other person to just go years without seeing anyone of importance for more than five minutes

I apparently get stuck to every innuendo too

I’m so damn lonely

He’s back again

Oh holy fuck

It’s the exact song I was just borrowing from

These strange things

Ey, oh, where’d the rock and roll go?

God

All I need to understand is that I will be alright?

Because a billion strangely convenient coincidences besides the one I need?

It’s not fair that love is so easy for me, but I rarely see it returned

I’m not good at love, there being a yin and a yang to me

I want to try though

Something to bring a smile to my face

Despite the pain

Despite it

I feel like I’m being cut in half by pain

It’s cruel

My body doing this to me

Sure, it’s only an hour lost, but it’s not like I stop being in pain just because I left work

The ache

The way my back clicks with every move

If this is how you feel

I’m doing the exact opposite

How much noise can I make?

I want to go somewhere and just scream from the pain

I remember me as a kid, falling and scraping my knee

And how much that hurt

And my parents telling me not to cry

Sometimes or they’d give me something to cry about

It’s not that bad

That poor kid didn’t have any idea what lay in wait

Agony

I feel like pain personified yet again

If pain proves I’m alive

Am I the most alive person?

Expired opiates didn’t help

If only my doctor would give me something

They never believe how bad the pain is

Around in circles

I wish for so many things

Life goals

It all has to be done through pain

Through agony

This thick sheet of pain

Obscuring my vision

Making it hard to hear

My anxiety is higher

Could answer for some of it

Oh sweet relief

Eludes me

I don’t remember what it feels like to not be in pain

Currently I’m on fire in my chest

My hips ache

My back aches

I don’t have the energy to interact with others right now

Please ease off

Please

That moment when Hermes is like Look I can bring you a feather too!

And I’m like thanks, but it’s blowing away I can’t catch it

And it conveniently stops flying away

So much so it made me giggle

Yes I will 拾うthe feather

And I forgot that music this morning for a moment

Now that was brain melting music

As far as I could understand the majority of the lyrics consisted of the words “I like it” repeated over and over

Followed by someone saying “He likes it” a few times

It’s so sad that some of these songs have decent melodies because they’re being wasted on, frankly, what sounds like an AI who was spoon fed lyrics written by 10 years olds wrote.

That moment I’m itching to know if he’s using AI to write his lyrics

What a sad world to live in

That creativity belongs to machines

If you haven’t fallen that far, don’t

But I wouldn’t put it past you

What are you running from?

Because popular lyrics

Just take the colour out of life now

Man I miss Linkin Park

Even their newer pop-y stuff had more depth than anything most people write

And then I smiled and the Sun came out

Trying not to laugh out loud at the man that just cursed our store

For not being open yet when it’s closed

Oooh day with the Queen of the store

Sounds fun