Elucidating Questions

As I go back through my life and see things that happened to me

And decide they weren’t okay

I feel more comfortable with myself

Sometimes it feels like video games are calling me out

Oh I’ll just play this game I’ve wanted for years

Why do you say such horrible things to hurt yourself?

Why do you refuse to say “help me” instead trying to avoid ever causing trouble?

And I’m like bitch

I just wanted to play a cute game this is rude

Just the Universe Universing

Of course, it’s true

I said this hurdle is high

越える

Who knows when this forward lurch will end?

But I have to try

I told you, I take chances when they are offered

Thank you for this chance

It would be truly tragic if I left this world before figuring out how to talk to myself

So nice to everyone else

So cruel to myself

It’s hard to justify positive self talk

When there’s hardly any coming to me

自ら立ち上がって

自ら

That’s a good word

Another one I absorbed from around me

I wonder why talking about how you’re good at something puts others off?

A mystery

These people around me

I don’t know what to say to create the connection I would need to believe in myself

I have to learn this

Without thinking it’s narcissistic to love myself

I can see me in the past as if they are another person

And understand that they didn’t deserve any of the crap my life threw at them

I just have to believe that me, now, deserves better

I have to believe that somehow

A strangely quiet day

I never trust these

Easier to trust the despair

Easier to trust when things aren’t right

Because nothing wrong

Nothing right

What is it?

This timer?

Only now you’re silent

Song?

You know that tentative step out into wild just as the rain stops?

Dawn may be cracking

I daren’t trust a sliver of light

Now now, we’ve spoken about asking me to trust things

Why does this feel like a shove?

Not the way that was

Like, remember me, and live

It came with purpose

How many times must I do this, I wonder?

Is there a way to reconcile every get up, and fall back down?

If it’s put against 今までの track record

I haven’t done much

Oh, okay, except 200 odd pages of

Of things

200 eh?

When it was disappearing into the nether

The numbers didn’t quite add up

Didn’t quite recognise the volume

It’s almost like changing my mind

Who knows if the sound is what I think?

Give me a chance to not give up

Or something

Ah, why me?

This 普通 something that wanted to be something real

If I become real

What does that mean for anyone else?

What is the difference?

The Resistance?

Yeah, the single person resistance

Fight

があって

Like the Midnight Lost Child

It just keeps coming back

Oh I shouldn’t laugh

There’s a me suffering under the fire

Still

何と無く

ね？

Extend the crazy

If you give me something to do I’ll start doing things apparently

It’s a wonder

Sometimes I’m impressed with myself

What a year of hell this has been

Sometimes I feel carried here

Dragged?

There has to be a choice

Perhaps the absence of one

Your brilliant apathy

Mine

Ours

At our worst we stop

I don’t know what best looks like

The light may be small

But somehow it shines

Maybe in this colossal darkness that has a meaning

If it doesn’t

I’ll make it have one

It’s still raining

Another full rainy day

I would like to appreciate the weather for accommodating my foray into town yesterday

And I’m still pleased about the horses

Though they really shouldn’t be there

The one that wanted to see me

Animals seem to

Humans not so much

I haven’t had the luck

You can be friends with animals so quickly

Deep bonds take time

But so often an animal is so willing to love it hurts

The fog horn is blowing now

Today has been so quiet

And I, content

So gently muted

I would believe if you told me the world was on pause today

Even though life is being lived all around me

The start

Again?

Won’t get preoccupied this time

Won’t let you preoccupy me

I remember what they said

Reach into the web

Hermes you really are going to be my downfall

To avoid all connection

Or to be consumed by it

The rain is falling in that perfect way

Raining in August

How frighteningly typical

And unexpected

The green is starting to return to the grass

Already

It’s such a strange thing to see seasonal weather

And today?

Maybe it hasn’t sunk in yet that I’m back to solitary

Productive

Gross

It’s hard to take the first step without some

Serious thinking

Who knows what, if anything, will come of it

Failure is a hard thing to come back from

Momentum

All at once stopped dead

Call it emotional whiplash

Taking the boost and trying to do something with it

What was the intended vision, I wonder?

The sound of the rain

I could sit here for hours just listening

Hours listening to water falling from the sky

We’re easily entertained

Summer rain is my favourite

It has a different, brighter, taste than Winter

A different heaviness than Spring

A different healing energy than Fall

I’m going to attempt to open this world

I feel very much as if it’s a terrible idea, but I’m sure I’ve had worse

How to bring love to the world?

Like the rain that’s falling

A purpose

Ugh. There has to be an easier way to update this mess

Back aching from hunching over a computer for several hours

I think I finally beat it into submission

I’m sure something is broken.

Something’s always broken

I hope it’s legible citizens

They charged me ridiculous fees for it not to be black on white

Please tell me who actually wants to stare at computer black on white?

I suppose I should maintain it

Well, I’m exhausted

Doing things I shouldn’t do when I’m feeling sick

Yay me

I suppose I should title my posts so it’s less confusing…

Titles suck

I’m going to stick to numbers

Fuck words I’d have to summarize it

Post Adventures with Web Design

Best foot forward and all that.

I just set up 5,000 things

Made a Ko-Fi (Here)

Made a Facebook (Here)

Edited the heck out my WordPress

I mean at least this time I’m not doing things because I’m crazy and desperate

Wouldn’t it be cool if I could accomplish something?

I have a threads

Who knows what that’s going to accomplish

So much stuff

I’m not longer putting energy into my job

They don’t pay me enough for any of what’s been going on and I

I have other shit to do

Maybe with the page numbers people can read older stuff

Who knows what’s in there

It’s like the deep dark doom

Did you like that? Some D words

At the end of the day,

Diving into the internet may be a bad idea

In fact, almost certainly

Survival though?

No one knows what drowning so deeply that even survival is beyond reach

Well, not no one, most

And, damn, I’ve fallen and gotten back up enough times

Maybe my resilience will help some other person

My dream is the same

My wish is the same

Foolish isn’t it?

How do you let go of perfection?

I know I’ve written something worth wasting time on

Even if it was unrequited

Worth his time

Sucks that I crashed right into it

Yeah, grace and I don’t really belong in the same sentence

But I gave my everything

I think that’s worth something

And mine repeats itself

Because I’m trapped in this unending day

Insincere songs

I don’t know what the difference is

Maybe it is a skill

Voice acting and the like

Let me be with you

And the spells cast by pretending

What does it mean to feel something that’s not real?

Can you pretend so hard it is?

How do you sing without a voice behind it?

What story is a tale spinner’s lie telling?

It definitely didn’t suit him

The things they make that poor man say

Are we really connected by the same sky?

The never ending, ever reaching, sky?

It’s just a terrible thing

This loving aimlessly

Oh just when I thought the DJ was on break

I don’t know what I’m wandering aimlessly searching for

If I say I do then I’d be lying

This warping space

How does one express something with their entire body?

How does one express anything at all?

Well, another day of searching for something and not finding it

I’ve come this far

I really don’t know what the point is

This trek

I wish you’d show me

The way to sew words into success