Elucidating Questions

Desperation colours me in ways I do not enjoy

I do not like when I will do anything to survive

I do not enjoy the things I do

It’s much easier to exist when I don’t have to worry about anything

It doesn’t much matter who I am when who I am isn’t preventing me from surviving

I wish the dreams wouldn’t fade away

I feel like I tripped over one just then

Maybe my mind will write new ones

Somehow I have to just continue with this onward momentum

Without looking too close at the recent past when I had nothing

I feel like they’ve fallen there

When I reach the answer I always realise why there was no clear explanation

I curse how vague you all are

Surprises stress me out

And then I reach it and know knowing wouldn’t have helped

How I agonize while waiting

Life is

There isn’t a word

Chaotic and crazy and tragic and scary

And it is so hard to placate myself with past enjoyment as a reason to see the future

When weighing hard on me is the truth that I have to suffer until that unknown possible better day

And I still don’t know who, what, how,

I am

If I needed something to keep me busy

So that I wouldn’t get stuck on it

I can almost excuse all the bad behaviour over the last few months

Just desperately trying to seek a tomorrow that was different

The desperation

Rather I should be in awe of the continuance

Somehow I carried me here

Despite it

Despite the desperation

Thank you for every night that ended the same

That you didn’t give up

Somehow we are here

何と無く

Something and nothing

And, no, I don’t think it was “worth it”

That greatly diminishes and invalidates your pain all those days

All those years

Doesn’t acknowledge the temporary aspect of this moment

But you made it

Here we are

A moment of reprieve from the hell

A thank you to the past isn’t enough

Dancing in desperation

How do I let go of that pain?

Back into retail hell tomorrow

Whether my body wants to or not

Not that I really need to go to work tomorrow

I so badly want to just quit

But I have to do my best

There’s no guarantee that I’d find something else before I’m back to having nothing

Two days

So, I will give you that staying alive for it was worth it

Though not in the way I was thinking

I deserve this little chunk of time I’ve bought

I do

So hard to believe in something so unproven

Proof, prove, proven

What a stupidly spelt word

Proh-v

Blasted English

I feel well separated from him right now

Well that’s an interesting observation

I still don’t know the why behind the lot of it though

I don’t want to be alone

It would be nice to not be

It makes me wonder why I’m here

It’s so hard for me to do things that only benefit me

I mean, half the time, living does not benefit me

I want to sing

I want someone to sing to

With, if they should so choose

I don’t know how to find what I seek

I’m too afraid of what might happen if I’m behind closed doors with no one around to hear me scream again

I almost want to live too much to let myself love again

Self preservation

I’m not prepared for any of the trauma any relationship threatens to deal out if I misstep

Gonna go stare at Saturn because even the possible god of death and Time is less scary than a human

How I don’t want to be alone

How anything else terrifie

That one poem I wrote during the thunderstorm

Mysteriously copied itself into my drafts

The funny glitches

I got to do things for no reason other than enjoyment today

That was great

I think it’s been so long since I really did something for no reason at all

Everything has a reason

If it doesn’t have a reason I can’t excuse it being done

Even things that did have reasons couldn’t be done

Something done for no reason at all

How fantastic

How extraordinary

I felt

Real

Today

I had things to do so I went

But then I also did something for completely no reason at all

Something pointless

It’s nice to do pointless things sometimes

Why am I always “different” though?

Something unexpected

Forever I am trying to grapple with

My “special”ness

Regardless of whether that specialness is positive or negative

And I just want to know why

I mean allegedly

I do everything in my power to be different from everyone else

But, bitch, I do not have control over the way my eyelashes curl

Or my joints being hypermobile

Or needing a walker at 33 because of a heart condition

Which I got at 31

This extraordinarousness

Yup I just made that word exist

Extra being outside

Of the ordinariousness

I heave a sigh, because I don’t know

Is the Universe cackling at me? The universe? Hermes?

Laugh away

A nice day.

These are so rare

I’ll treasure it

A gentle latte

That made me miss Japanese cafes

Cute little owl themed cafe

With some kind of some Asian thing called a Bao

I wanted a sandwich and the Universe was like no wait I have something better

It was better

Thank you Universe

They get the sugar right

I always find myself trying to get that taste from switching this and that in the American recipes but alas

It’s sweet, but not sweet

The taste of a sweetness that doesn’t assume its own sweetness

I miss that

I don’t know if it carries over elsewhere, but the Japanese habit of sweetening everything so it’s just not quite sweet

But still sweet

隠し味

Like the main flavour in things over here is sugar

Instead it plays a role and not the lead

Flavour

One of those things that is so hard to describe

Sweetness as an accent

I came back to Canada and suddenly everything was way too sweet

Sometimes being punched with sweetness is fun

Like with hi-chew

But I really do prefer when sweetness isn’t the only thing I taste

優しいラテ

Thank you for this different day

I will enjoy it

Watching the dandelions move

And wondering if there’s an imperceptible amount of wind blowing

Dandelions don’t move, right?

But then the Wind actually started blowing and showed me the difference

Mystery

I know they’re alive

And I know I’ve seen plants and trees moving without wind

But always figured it was somehow the wind

Now they’re all still like they noticed me noticing them

There they start again

A cat

Hello cat

It’s like they’re dancing

Who knows?

Yes the wind blowing them looked entirely different than this

And now the Wind has decided to exist

And all of them dance when the Wind comes

Before it was just one or two here and there

I would like that, I think

If dandelions danced

Who knows what’s actually happening

But imagining a world where plants aren’t just immobile beings

Maybe they were dancing because the Sun is on them and they haven’t woken up yet

And they are preparing their buds to bloom again for the day

Of course Hermes came along to wreck my fun

There are so many things about this world that I don’t know

Hypnotic Dancing Dandelions

What an interesting way to start the day off

Pain.

It is me

And I am it

You’d think taking 2 extra strength naproxen would help

It did, for about an hour

“lasts 12 hours”

No, no, please

My back insists on hurting

Finally got money to take care of myself and my body was like

This is the perfect moment to shut down

And I found myself saying to the chiropractor today

It hurts, but I can handle it

While being in so much pain I could hear it

Bless her for essentially ignoring me and continuing about her business until I was more improved

It’s just that it’s not like it’s just my back that hurts

Just that’s what hurts the most

A bundle of pain

I never thought I’d become the little guy in the robaxacet commercial with the pins in his back

Little me thought the commercial was funny

The little robaxacet guy is probably like

Who’s laughing now bitch?

That would be Hermes, they’ve been partying all day

I still can’t decide if the last one laughing is supposed to be me

Or you

God forbid we’re both laughing

Don’t blame me for imagining when the pain is so bad

Can’t even lean forward to see if Arcturus is out there

Blasted pain

And fuck doctors who refer you to “pain mindfulness” courses when what you need is pain management

I’d really like to see my doctor live through this amount of pain

Well I wouldn’t

You know