Elucidating Questions

It’s become a thing now

I start humming a song

I wait

I know it’s coming

It came into my head so it will appear

The memories haven’t become kinder

It did appear

I’ll just crow it

If I was a good singer then things would have gone right for me

I wonder which one mistake broke my smile?

I wished for the strength to surpass the sky

I wanted it

Who to embrace in the quiet night?

But when could something like that happen?

My life ended at 32 with my second diagnosis

It’s just an unattainable strain on my life

It is better off this way

Empty

Full

That’s the way it should be

I dared tread in the lands of the gods

I want a drink

I got a drink

How do I imagine love?

Not for me

Love is for other people

Is the night going to be unbearable again?

Now I remember

Why do I know them in my dreams?

This is how it ends

With my mind haunting me with dreams forever more

Why do you think I’ve been laughing?

It’s funny right?

It’s a joke

As usual

I feel like it feeds off my suffering

That’s the word

Now you come out

It’s hard being bilingual

Ask for a word and brain’s like

Here’s some Japanese

You’re not even trying

You’re lucky you have me, brain

You’re determined to die and I’m determined to live

I told you it wasn’t dawn

I told you

I guess I’m a night dweller for life

The sun set and then didn’t come back

How many years will go by?

Or will it end like this in some medical emergency or accident?

You baited me this far

I ask this with the most insane smile I can manage

これからどうする？

Oh this thing that drags me forward

My light is somewhere I will never reach

I’m left in the dark on this path

I followed it so far

And now it’s gone

I wanted my life

Wanted to share it

Can’t write about life without living it

Surviving

Always surviving

Being nothing

Where do I begin if not there?

Just the beginning

A cruel thing to say

Just a bewildered traveller

On a solo journey through the stars

Traveling on the back of a great beast

Illuminated by a star

There’s so much going on around me

People living

That has nothing to do with me

I am tiny and powerless

Alone

It would be wrong

Don’t tell me no

I loved him like nothing I’ve ever known

Despised him the same

You’d think after 7 years it would have meant something

Instead it is set to die like everything else in my life

Deep into it

The dying day

Indeed

If I had a moment of love

I don’t think I’d be able to let go

I think if you send me another murderer it will work this time

Anyone

I will, I will take anyone

I don’t know what is screaming from over there

Over there in my mind

I have no idea

I thought I had the answers

That one hurt a bit

Who will stand beside me now?

You don’t understand

I can’t realise how alone I am

I can’t know that my worst fear became real and now all there is to fear is death

I begged for my life

Fought tooth and nail for it

Nothing

Imagine fighting with every fibre of your being for 7 years and the result is nothing

Those famous people “oh I tried so hard with nothing to show” woe is me I’m only famous and rich

It’s so hard being popular

It’s giving Queen Bitch in high school singing about her woes at the talent show

Cry more about how hard it is to come out on top

I don’t like this side of me

The side that hates people for being successful because I can’t be

It’s not their fault I am a failure

And saying sometimes things just don’t work out

Feels like a dig, because if they did work out I forced them to

Into the abyss, I suppose

How’s that for a cliche?

It’s better without you

Old lies die harder

Right?

Woke as usual

As it is

Nope it needs bass

One of those songs that was finished by covers and not ruined

I don’t have anywhere left to go

Can’t mess with that

Can’t freak out parents

One line in a news article

Changed the entire field

And yet you say don’t give up

What is there left to give, but up?

Another day in retail hell begins

It’s a holiday and school starts soon

Another day of people thinking I purposely scan things in at the wrong price

This isn’t even close to the life I wanted

This isn’t second place or third

This is so outside of what I wanted

That joker

I look to the trees for the 証

木に見るとアイツの証が出る

海の匂いがする

That they’re around

And the morning Sun and the clouds created an art piece

And I was brought back to the words

That a morning without me would surely be more brilliant

The little details

Things I can’t explain

Don’t think that way

Says the Sun

The words you say to yourself matter

But my hope of having it come clear one day

It’s gone now

No one’s going to come from nowhere

If it’s not someone that already knows me it’s too late

It’s too late now

My disease has erased me from society

There are no chance meetings

Certainly none fated

And all along I felt like I didn’t deserve to ask for more than the Sun to talk to

That it was selfish to want anything more than a one sided conversation with a ball of fire that may or may not be sentient, who knows?

Now I don’t

But it’s too late

Damned to this life

This endlessness

The way everything could have gone right before now but didn’t

And I am having a hard time believing

Oh fun the people who think we open at 9 on a holiday when we open at 10 regular days are here

Let’s go over there where it’s closed and then over there where it’s also closed

The woman said to her daughter

Good planning

10/10

Retail hell and damned to it

My laughter has been bitter

Though a few ridiculous happenings we’re funny

Where do I go from nowhere?

Where do I go when I came so far?

I was just humming this song

Reality is cruel

But even if I close my eyes there won’t be you there smiling

I used to sing this song with my heart and soul

Whose smile was I expecting to be there?

The thump of a psychic moment

That only I can feel

We’re creatures that go on forgetting

This song used to make me feel peaceful

Now I don’t know why I was singing it

So many empty love songs

So many empty feelings

On the day we reach eternal sleep

Will anyone have even been there?

Never meeting

Never knowing

We didn’t reach the end

Endless solitude

And it’s just another day gone right?

Some several thousand now

Back to a different hiding place

All the princes got married and lived happily ever after

That must be nice

I don’t know what I wish for now

Everything is mine

Except nothing is mine

And I sit on my tiny hoard of things

It’s all mine

最初から物じゃなくって者が欲しかった

人

I thought I was about to meet my destined people

Reality is terrifying

That none of it was true

Minds are terrifying

My own mind did this to me

And him

I’ll never know what to trust again

Myself?

Myself got me this

I am no more anything than I was when the first one dropped to the floor

If not him

If not for him

自分を助けてか？

But my truth was only one thing

I can feel the words dripping from my lips even as I refuse to write them

Love is pain

Love is unfortunate

I’m drowning in my doubt?

What else did you expect?

I can’t say anyone belongs with me

I can’t say anyone would want to

You showed me it

It wasn’t even close to whole

I wanted you to end it for me

And yet I didn’t

Hold on to nothing and keep going

I guess I can cry

It’s fine if I cry, just right now, right?

Yeah, let’s go bother the wolf I’m sure that’s a good idea

He’s probably married too

Everyone gets married, and leaves

There isn’t a reason for a future like mine

I’d rather write love letters about dreams that aren’t real either

Dear night being

I guess it’s just you and me now

So terrifyingly free

Nothing to hold me down

I can go sailing through the stars

Out of the milky way

Out into forever

イヤ

Maybe I’m trapped in the gravity of the Sun now

I almost hope so

Or I’ll jump right out of this reality

What does a terrifyingly free person do?

I guess very much what I have been doing

Without a safe harbour

I am nameless

Lost

The compass never mattered

With or without it there’s no way

Will the dreams continue to taunt me, I wonder?

All of this being me

It’s too much to handle

Being entirely alone

I guess you don’t survive then

Just another rich child

I never got to have a musical background

I started from nothing and became nothing

7 years

I want to cut into my skin

All this pain should be physical

I want to fade away like a raindrop in the ocean

何の為？

エルメスの音海の歌

They could be trying to tell me something but instead I’m just out of breath

I can’t cry

And yet that’s all I’ve done

Time to forget

At least I know he’s safe

Even though I don’t know why I care

He’s just another rich kid

そうだね

I already knew I was foolish

I knew that

I need you to come rescue me

I don’t know what song I need and you do

I’m never going to remember this life

It’s not worth it

Can’t the Sun just set so I can see that stars and this day can be over?

One more day

Today was the day I learned what wasting 7 years feels like

It was all just a lie

And isn’t it better that way?

生きるって疲れた事？

All I feel is weighted

I wish I could just sleep

I’m in so much pain

Physically

After the pain attack in my leg last night I finally fell asleep

Only to wake up with a leg aching from use I didn’t ask for

And what doesn’t hurt?

Imagine not being in pain

This is not pain you will away

Any number of people would be in tears right now

I so rarely cry from pain

I can’t remember the last time I cried from something hurting physically

They think I’m weak because I feel pain

I would like to invite anyone to trade with me for a day

Just a day

Would I be content if I wasn’t always hurting?

Why does my toe hurt now?

Sharp, stabbing, pain to the toe

I assume I was bored

And so I made it hurt

That’s the other one, not that we’re making it up, or weak,

Just that we somehow want to be in this pain

I couldn’t tell you what’s worse

I never got the chance to give my soul up for a career where I worked every free second

It’s worse than working retail

Because I still have to work retail just less

But all this pain

I wish there was a reason for it

My body just hurts

I wish I didn’t have to feel pain and also be alone

I could probably handle it if I had someone to talk to

Alone and in agony

It’s so loud

Louder than that chirping bird

痛みを止めって

Every movement

Is pain coming alive

And me dying a little more inside