Elucidating Questions

Woke as usual

As it is

Nope it needs bass

One of those songs that was finished by covers and not ruined

I don’t have anywhere left to go

Can’t mess with that

Can’t freak out parents

One line in a news article

Changed the entire field

And yet you say don’t give up

What is there left to give, but up?

Another day in retail hell begins

It’s a holiday and school starts soon

Another day of people thinking I purposely scan things in at the wrong price

This isn’t even close to the life I wanted

This isn’t second place or third

This is so outside of what I wanted

That joker

I look to the trees for the 証

木に見るとアイツの証が出る

海の匂いがする

That they’re around

And the morning Sun and the clouds created an art piece

And I was brought back to the words

That a morning without me would surely be more brilliant

The little details

Things I can’t explain

Don’t think that way

Says the Sun

The words you say to yourself matter

But my hope of having it come clear one day

It’s gone now

No one’s going to come from nowhere

If it’s not someone that already knows me it’s too late

It’s too late now

My disease has erased me from society

There are no chance meetings

Certainly none fated

And all along I felt like I didn’t deserve to ask for more than the Sun to talk to

That it was selfish to want anything more than a one sided conversation with a ball of fire that may or may not be sentient, who knows?

Now I don’t

But it’s too late

Damned to this life

This endlessness

The way everything could have gone right before now but didn’t

And I am having a hard time believing

Oh fun the people who think we open at 9 on a holiday when we open at 10 regular days are here

Let’s go over there where it’s closed and then over there where it’s also closed

The woman said to her daughter

Good planning

10/10

Retail hell and damned to it

My laughter has been bitter

Though a few ridiculous happenings we’re funny

Where do I go from nowhere?

Where do I go when I came so far?

I was just humming this song

Reality is cruel

But even if I close my eyes there won’t be you there smiling

I used to sing this song with my heart and soul

Whose smile was I expecting to be there?

The thump of a psychic moment

That only I can feel

We’re creatures that go on forgetting

This song used to make me feel peaceful

Now I don’t know why I was singing it

So many empty love songs

So many empty feelings

On the day we reach eternal sleep

Will anyone have even been there?

Never meeting

Never knowing

We didn’t reach the end

Endless solitude

And it’s just another day gone right?

Some several thousand now

Back to a different hiding place

All the princes got married and lived happily ever after

That must be nice

I don’t know what I wish for now

Everything is mine

Except nothing is mine

And I sit on my tiny hoard of things

It’s all mine

最初から物じゃなくって者が欲しかった

人

I thought I was about to meet my destined people

Reality is terrifying

That none of it was true

Minds are terrifying

My own mind did this to me

And him

I’ll never know what to trust again

Myself?

Myself got me this

I am no more anything than I was when the first one dropped to the floor

If not him

If not for him

自分を助けてか？

But my truth was only one thing

I can feel the words dripping from my lips even as I refuse to write them

Love is pain

Love is unfortunate

I’m drowning in my doubt?

What else did you expect?

I can’t say anyone belongs with me

I can’t say anyone would want to

You showed me it

It wasn’t even close to whole

I wanted you to end it for me

And yet I didn’t

Hold on to nothing and keep going

I guess I can cry

It’s fine if I cry, just right now, right?

Yeah, let’s go bother the wolf I’m sure that’s a good idea

He’s probably married too

Everyone gets married, and leaves

There isn’t a reason for a future like mine

I’d rather write love letters about dreams that aren’t real either

Dear night being

I guess it’s just you and me now

So terrifyingly free

Nothing to hold me down

I can go sailing through the stars

Out of the milky way

Out into forever

イヤ

Maybe I’m trapped in the gravity of the Sun now

I almost hope so

Or I’ll jump right out of this reality

What does a terrifyingly free person do?

I guess very much what I have been doing

Without a safe harbour

I am nameless

Lost

The compass never mattered

With or without it there’s no way

Will the dreams continue to taunt me, I wonder?

All of this being me

It’s too much to handle

Being entirely alone

I guess you don’t survive then

Just another rich child

I never got to have a musical background

I started from nothing and became nothing

7 years

I want to cut into my skin

All this pain should be physical

I want to fade away like a raindrop in the ocean

何の為？

エルメスの音海の歌

They could be trying to tell me something but instead I’m just out of breath

I can’t cry

And yet that’s all I’ve done

Time to forget

At least I know he’s safe

Even though I don’t know why I care

He’s just another rich kid

そうだね

I already knew I was foolish

I knew that

I need you to come rescue me

I don’t know what song I need and you do

I’m never going to remember this life

It’s not worth it

Can’t the Sun just set so I can see that stars and this day can be over?

One more day

Today was the day I learned what wasting 7 years feels like

It was all just a lie

And isn’t it better that way?

生きるって疲れた事？

All I feel is weighted

I wish I could just sleep

I’m in so much pain

Physically

After the pain attack in my leg last night I finally fell asleep

Only to wake up with a leg aching from use I didn’t ask for

And what doesn’t hurt?

Imagine not being in pain

This is not pain you will away

Any number of people would be in tears right now

I so rarely cry from pain

I can’t remember the last time I cried from something hurting physically

They think I’m weak because I feel pain

I would like to invite anyone to trade with me for a day

Just a day

Would I be content if I wasn’t always hurting?

Why does my toe hurt now?

Sharp, stabbing, pain to the toe

I assume I was bored

And so I made it hurt

That’s the other one, not that we’re making it up, or weak,

Just that we somehow want to be in this pain

I couldn’t tell you what’s worse

I never got the chance to give my soul up for a career where I worked every free second

It’s worse than working retail

Because I still have to work retail just less

But all this pain

I wish there was a reason for it

My body just hurts

I wish I didn’t have to feel pain and also be alone

I could probably handle it if I had someone to talk to

Alone and in agony

It’s so loud

Louder than that chirping bird

痛みを止めって

Every movement

Is pain coming alive

And me dying a little more inside

Being alone

It’s awful

For the first little while it’s a reprieve from the noise

And then the noise is me

And I can’t escape it

Can’t escape me

How do I get away from myself?

Longing to talk to someone

Really talk

Live in a conversation for a while

Friends are great

I think

I had them once, but I was awful

At least I think I was

They’re all gone now

That’s all I really know

This silence

Where my ears are ringing

It’s only silent because I’m putting my thoughts down

Elsewise I’ll drown

There was hope before

That someone would see me

I wonder why I was so wrong?

So eternity, is it?

Mine

The money will run out and then I’ll be back to where I was

But now there will be no vague promises of tomorrow

I can’t imagine someone who would see me

It must be nice

To find a place to belong

What is that place like?

I don’t know what to do

If I’m alone, and this is my sentence in life

Ended up so alone I swallowed myself whole

Death is terrifying

The prospect of this never ending and then death just being death and then I am gone and there was just nothing

Sometimes the terror grips me

So this is it?

This is the life I apparently chose?

Tell me how in the hell I’m supposed to love myself for this?

憎い

The me that I am now deserves better than this

I don’t know what to say for any of the me’s in the past

This may be my sentence, but I deserved better than this

I deserved the life I envisioned

Even though bit by bit it has faded away before my eyes

Oh

That did it

It’s over, huh?

Didn’t even start

Wasn’t even a contender

I’m truly alone here

That last dying hope just bit it

Not even a whisper

Just a breeze

Without that

Who am I, I wonder?

All this time I’ve been defined by his silence

And all this time I was more invisible than I thought

Hoped

Damn hope

くだらない

All this affection for no reason

Wasted emotions

Wasted passion

He probably has been laughing at me all this time

I’m probably an inside joke

Remember that loser?

You were never a zero

You were loved

You have no idea what it’s like to be

Unknown

Invisible

Nothing

幸せでね？

I guess I’m keeping Astoria

I wish I could cry

But right now all I’ve discovered is that my heart was broken all along

And it was pretending not to be

And it doesn’t believe there’s anything else

We’ve entered a quiet place of contemplated despair

I would have settled for anything

And as a replacement you sent me a murderer

And you’ve been toying with me

Leading me on to keep believing

When it was over from the start line

I don’t believe I have anything to say to anyone right now

Be silent

Leave me to my 絶望

Leave me to my devices