Elucidating Questions

I wonder what I’m supposed to be believing in?

Believe, believe,

It’s repeating and I wouldn’t be surprised if Believe started playing just to cement it in

But, what?

You maddening thing

What?

Wish is a word that seems to disappear

Fade away as all things dropped throughout Time

Why is this the English version?

I’m self conscious about my music

I’m self conscious about my Japanese music

Grew up hearing about how awful it was

If you’re going to listen to that stuff wear headphones

Everyone always hated my music

I always rush to turn it off when someone comes in

Japanese music is more often pitched in my range but I’m ashamed to sing Japanese in front of people

I want to go to a place where I can sing

I don’t have to believe in it, apparently no one else believes what they’re singing

Isn’t it funny that your scream brings me peace?

You never tell me to believe

There isn’t anyone to be wide awake

There was never a sleep to wake from

Dreams of a sick mind

It was so sweet

Was a lovely tale that would have been

All that intent

And in the end

Well, you know

No, I think I’m going to exist without believing for a while

There’s nothing to believe in

Just questions and things I’ve been left to agonize over because there’s nothing else to fill the time

Preoccupied with dreams because that’s the only thing that’s happening

Remembering or not

Oh my god

Don’t remind me about things that made me laugh you

You

What a segway

It’s supposed to be this way

For whatever reason

Reality

This thing that rejects me

The people in my every day life are mostly pleasant

But can’t I have connection?

Isn’t that something I’m worthy of?

I can’t even believe that wholeheartedly

No, nothing

Such a difficult thing you ask of me

So much I’ll never be able to believe in again

My mind is a labyrinth of things that taught me never to trust again

Perfection

I can’t offer that

I’m not the words I’m the music

So many stupid love songs

So many songs about not loving someone, but wanting to be loved

But they all have a subject

I have no subject

You

Some ideal they slowly destroyed

Random pain

Will it kill me?

Is this my new hope?

Ah

There’s the song I was humming this morning

I was wondering where it was

What a useless trick

Look at me

I know what song is going to come on

No one really wants me

I’m broken

But two is not enough

変な魔法

Is this another joke?

How can you laugh at me about this?

It’s so unfair

I can’t even show anyone

Look

It’s laughing at me

It’s all I see

With a heart that can’t lose, let’s go see tomorrow?

What is that?

にしても歌う

全力で

アイドルの力

What a strange thing

Well written

At least the stars are still beautiful

Did you see how the clouds took them from me on the one night I needed them?

Traitors

Things that won’t change

Will my world really change?

I’ll continue on this solo journey

Always

I couldn’t tell you why

I couldn’t tell you

More than anything I want to meet him

Meet Death

See a face that knows me

The only one that knows me

Finally know why I’m summoning the god, spirit, entity, of death every night

I’ll go anywhere

As long as I get to know the answer to that question

Fuck the other question

Fuck it

It’s better off this way

But why?

Who is he?

I want to see you

So I’ll go stare at your 合図

And go to sleep

And pray there’s far less of that stranger

That token

Pray I find you sooner

I’ll forget reality gladly

No one has to know

They never knew before

I can go completely insane and no one notices

There is no clarity

I’m not holding on to it anymore

Reality can fade away

You keep telling me to dream

The name just found me

寝よ

Facebook keeps suggesting co workers from my past

Who I’ve never searched for

Who aren’t in my phone

And I feel like I’m creeping on them

Oh look a person I knew once still living their life

I tried reaching out

It doesn’t work

I’m yet again the only one interested

No one’s interested in me

And I know I’m not interesting

The Wolf said as much

I only date interesting people with personalities

I know that if I was one of the good picks I’d be taken

Some people are just destined for solitude in this world

I’m not interested in what didn’t happen

Because no one ever saw me

Though I guess it would be worse if people saw me and didn’t like that

Exclusive

Will there ever be anyone worth trusting with myself?

I don’t want to do my best anymore

I want to be as lazy as fuck and just give up and let the world swallow me

But I won’t and I hear the gentle laughter of the chorus as I get back up again

Is it disbelief or is it as funny as I think it is?

I’m that one song

It’s a vodka drink right now

The Sun is dying the tiny tufts of cloud pink

Torturing me with the past

Teasing me with strangers

Look at all these relationships you thought were real

I don’t have to worry about what I’m going to do

I have 7 years of training

But how are you going to convince me there’s something to continue for now?

I recieved the transmission

When does my luck run out?

Yet I persist

Useless and alone

Trying too hard in the real world

The real world hasn’t done much for me

Individuals have

This world is strange

It had so much potential to be heaven

If they’d just try for someone else

And it’s true

I define myself through other people

I can’t exist without being perceived

I can survive

But I don’t exist unless someone is looking at me

I don’t know if that’s true for everyone

Don’t think of it that way

But no one sees me

They see the body and the face

That’s not me

All the assumptions looking at me makes

If I was meant to sing, wouldn’t I be?

If I let myself his angel chorus will bring me in

I was left long ago

And you found home

And this you doesn’t exist anymore

良かった

良かった

It’s a shattered heart

There is no grave

Don’t play me the version that doesn’t scream

I don’t know what’s happening in my head right now

And, yeah, I’m drunk

There’s no choice but to never be the same

I want to shine

Somehow with this endless light

No matter how I fall asleep I wake up

I have begged you to come get me

In those moments I’m nothing and no one and it doesn’t matter

One door gone

One still shut tight

If I’m fated to you

If we all are

Why do you refuse me?

You collect them, you don’t make them

I know

I know

And you say Good

Is he going to save me?

You keep telling me to save myself

I should have a fucking medal I’ve saved myself so many times

And no, we’re not

I’m in pieces

It’s better this way

Mouth gets confused with Mandarin and Korean

I’m trying to let it go

I’m just stuck

He’s incessant today

Yes rescue me

Every day the sky is different

And yet my life is the same

The day repeating

I’m running to you

Come get me

It’s become a thing now

I start humming a song

I wait

I know it’s coming

It came into my head so it will appear

The memories haven’t become kinder

It did appear

I’ll just crow it

If I was a good singer then things would have gone right for me

I wonder which one mistake broke my smile?

I wished for the strength to surpass the sky

I wanted it

Who to embrace in the quiet night?

But when could something like that happen?

My life ended at 32 with my second diagnosis

It’s just an unattainable strain on my life

It is better off this way

Empty

Full

That’s the way it should be

I dared tread in the lands of the gods

I want a drink

I got a drink

How do I imagine love?

Not for me

Love is for other people

Is the night going to be unbearable again?

Now I remember

Why do I know them in my dreams?

This is how it ends

With my mind haunting me with dreams forever more

Why do you think I’ve been laughing?

It’s funny right?

It’s a joke

As usual

I feel like it feeds off my suffering

That’s the word

Now you come out

It’s hard being bilingual

Ask for a word and brain’s like

Here’s some Japanese

You’re not even trying

You’re lucky you have me, brain

You’re determined to die and I’m determined to live

I told you it wasn’t dawn

I told you

I guess I’m a night dweller for life

The sun set and then didn’t come back

How many years will go by?

Or will it end like this in some medical emergency or accident?

You baited me this far

I ask this with the most insane smile I can manage

これからどうする？

Oh this thing that drags me forward

My light is somewhere I will never reach

I’m left in the dark on this path

I followed it so far

And now it’s gone

I wanted my life

Wanted to share it

Can’t write about life without living it

Surviving

Always surviving

Being nothing

Where do I begin if not there?

Just the beginning

A cruel thing to say

Just a bewildered traveller

On a solo journey through the stars

Traveling on the back of a great beast

Illuminated by a star

There’s so much going on around me

People living

That has nothing to do with me

I am tiny and powerless

Alone

It would be wrong

Don’t tell me no

I loved him like nothing I’ve ever known

Despised him the same

You’d think after 7 years it would have meant something

Instead it is set to die like everything else in my life

Deep into it

The dying day

Indeed

If I had a moment of love

I don’t think I’d be able to let go

I think if you send me another murderer it will work this time

Anyone

I will, I will take anyone

I don’t know what is screaming from over there

Over there in my mind

I have no idea

I thought I had the answers

That one hurt a bit

Who will stand beside me now?

You don’t understand

I can’t realise how alone I am

I can’t know that my worst fear became real and now all there is to fear is death

I begged for my life

Fought tooth and nail for it

Nothing

Imagine fighting with every fibre of your being for 7 years and the result is nothing

Those famous people “oh I tried so hard with nothing to show” woe is me I’m only famous and rich

It’s so hard being popular

It’s giving Queen Bitch in high school singing about her woes at the talent show

Cry more about how hard it is to come out on top

I don’t like this side of me

The side that hates people for being successful because I can’t be

It’s not their fault I am a failure

And saying sometimes things just don’t work out

Feels like a dig, because if they did work out I forced them to

Into the abyss, I suppose

How’s that for a cliche?

It’s better without you

Old lies die harder

Right?