Elucidating Questions

生きるって疲れた事？

All I feel is weighted

I wish I could just sleep

I’m in so much pain

Physically

After the pain attack in my leg last night I finally fell asleep

Only to wake up with a leg aching from use I didn’t ask for

And what doesn’t hurt?

Imagine not being in pain

This is not pain you will away

Any number of people would be in tears right now

I so rarely cry from pain

I can’t remember the last time I cried from something hurting physically

They think I’m weak because I feel pain

I would like to invite anyone to trade with me for a day

Just a day

Would I be content if I wasn’t always hurting?

Why does my toe hurt now?

Sharp, stabbing, pain to the toe

I assume I was bored

And so I made it hurt

That’s the other one, not that we’re making it up, or weak,

Just that we somehow want to be in this pain

I couldn’t tell you what’s worse

I never got the chance to give my soul up for a career where I worked every free second

It’s worse than working retail

Because I still have to work retail just less

But all this pain

I wish there was a reason for it

My body just hurts

I wish I didn’t have to feel pain and also be alone

I could probably handle it if I had someone to talk to

Alone and in agony

It’s so loud

Louder than that chirping bird

痛みを止めって

Every movement

Is pain coming alive

And me dying a little more inside

Being alone

It’s awful

For the first little while it’s a reprieve from the noise

And then the noise is me

And I can’t escape it

Can’t escape me

How do I get away from myself?

Longing to talk to someone

Really talk

Live in a conversation for a while

Friends are great

I think

I had them once, but I was awful

At least I think I was

They’re all gone now

That’s all I really know

This silence

Where my ears are ringing

It’s only silent because I’m putting my thoughts down

Elsewise I’ll drown

There was hope before

That someone would see me

I wonder why I was so wrong?

So eternity, is it?

Mine

The money will run out and then I’ll be back to where I was

But now there will be no vague promises of tomorrow

I can’t imagine someone who would see me

It must be nice

To find a place to belong

What is that place like?

I don’t know what to do

If I’m alone, and this is my sentence in life

Ended up so alone I swallowed myself whole

Death is terrifying

The prospect of this never ending and then death just being death and then I am gone and there was just nothing

Sometimes the terror grips me

So this is it?

This is the life I apparently chose?

Tell me how in the hell I’m supposed to love myself for this?

憎い

The me that I am now deserves better than this

I don’t know what to say for any of the me’s in the past

This may be my sentence, but I deserved better than this

I deserved the life I envisioned

Even though bit by bit it has faded away before my eyes

Oh

That did it

It’s over, huh?

Didn’t even start

Wasn’t even a contender

I’m truly alone here

That last dying hope just bit it

Not even a whisper

Just a breeze

Without that

Who am I, I wonder?

All this time I’ve been defined by his silence

And all this time I was more invisible than I thought

Hoped

Damn hope

くだらない

All this affection for no reason

Wasted emotions

Wasted passion

He probably has been laughing at me all this time

I’m probably an inside joke

Remember that loser?

You were never a zero

You were loved

You have no idea what it’s like to be

Unknown

Invisible

Nothing

幸せでね？

I guess I’m keeping Astoria

I wish I could cry

But right now all I’ve discovered is that my heart was broken all along

And it was pretending not to be

And it doesn’t believe there’s anything else

We’ve entered a quiet place of contemplated despair

I would have settled for anything

And as a replacement you sent me a murderer

And you’ve been toying with me

Leading me on to keep believing

When it was over from the start line

I don’t believe I have anything to say to anyone right now

Be silent

Leave me to my 絶望

Leave me to my devices

It’s always at the night slips over

As we face away into an expanse that would freeze us if that was where we stopped

I miss you

I realise that another day has gone by

I realise that every day that goes by is another wasted

Time we could have spent together

I wished I could play video games all day

This world is teen me’s greatest fantasy

Hours stretching on with nothing but screens and devices

Even though I wanted to play with all my friends forever

And now I’m forever playing by myself

A lonely life

In the middle of civilization

Hearing the sounds of the night moving in

A TV or something

A laugh

The cars roaring needlessly here and there

Yeah vroom vroom to you too midnight warrior

I don’t quiet understand the way the Dipper is leading Arcturus

And then they switch

Don’t you want to come wonder things with me?

Somewhere is there a me without me, myself, and I to keep me company?

Chasing alternate personalities around my head

Because it’s the end of the day, isn’t it?

I hate endings

Uproarious laughter

I hate endings

Somewhere is there a place for me?

Somewhere out there

Where the melody won’t torture me anymore?

Yeah, that’s me, carrying on the family tradition of queerness that’s nowhere in my family

Something left over from a previous method of communication?

Something left in me that escapes societal bounds?

Of course

I’m very rarely sexual these days

It takes a very specific something

That awful, wonderful, wiggle that Rin was doing

And then I immediately reject it for whatever reason

It’s not worth the energy

But I would happily fit into a relationship as a cuddling creature

If you need it you can find it elsewhere, doesn’t affect me I’m not using it

Remember how he rejected that?

The wolf

Coaxed out of me a sexuality that didn’t exist

He was so determined that sex was a relationship requirement

I was so determined to get him

I suppose that means it’s just waiting for the right moment?

Somewhere deep inside me desire exists

If you walk into my life will it ignite again?

You

Could be you plural

The original you

But that would require me believing that there is more than one person for me

And, eh

It’s hard enough to believe there could even be one

All I want is someone who loves me and isn’t going to kill me

Yet that seems too difficult to accomplish

Is you and me

Me and me?

It’s just you and me now

Something

Someone other than me

I want it to be me and someone else

I could swear it should be me and someone else

Wouldn’t it be great though?

If one of us was finally happy?

It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t even be

Be real to him

Couldn’t I just feel happiness for his happiness and

I am a selfish person

Wanting it for myself

I should be content with watching it unfold

Except they won’t even tell us what it’s like

Maybe I would be fine watching

Seeing happiness

He looked so tired that time

If you could make me a promise

That he would see mostly good days

And that she would love him however he needs, whenever?

Maybe I could be content

One love

そうだね

Their perfect love story

There’s warmth here

I should be content to view it

Am I ever going to be?

良いなー

I want to experience it too

If I didn’t have this corrupted love

Uncertain heart

Purify the ✗

Good, right?

I wish I wasn’t selfish

I’m sorry I’m selfish

If I disappeared would anyone cry

Before they wanted something from me?

It’s wrong that everything just continues

It should shatter with me

たった一つ

苦しみのビーコン

Rusty voice

Does it take much running and hiding from a love that doesn’t exist?

I chose you

Wrong

Sick of meaningless love

Someone show me something real?

I have to apologise

Let me focus on you for a moment

It’s hard to focus on such a blurry thing

Someone that has changed shape in my mind

I don’t even know if you are still the same you

If you bothered to live until you met me

I guess I’m just as bad at being in your life

And life is difficult

And the only one for me would have to feel things

Not as strongly as me, I feel way too hard

But enough that my feeling doesn’t scare them

Groomed to, by society, I always picture a man

But now

Years later

I probably couldn’t handle another one

Damaged and intent on making everyone else around them as damaged as they are

The men that come to me

As time went on

And I saw all the faces that weren’t meant for me

Your image has become more and more warped

Can’t have a clear image when that clear image is wrong

Imagine, I’m actually paired with the Universe

This ring isn’t just a promise to them that was made by a scared child in an unfamiliar place searching for familiarity

I make things

But I can’t make that

Broken once

Tarnished

A promise of duality that no one recognises.

Would you recognise me?

All the little clues I leave for everyone that I’m not what I look like but no one ever notices?

I always think in ones

Even though my nature is definitely poly

A little bit of love sprinkles here and there

I want to see you

I know I want to see you because I want to see someone that sees me

Anyone

Who doesn’t immediately try to get something from me

Someone who offers me something too

交換したい

お互いに

Every conversation an exchange

You continually bring me people who demand of me

Is it worth it?

What do you get out of it?

It would be so much easier to envision someone if I knew

They were real

The focus was supposed to be you

But then it wasn’t you

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