Elucidating Questions

Back to apologising for my presence

A step back

Probably to be expected

A fall back

If I’m not singing it back

What am I doing?

Singing it out?

As ordered?

There’s so little to gain

And I am again ashamed

To have needs

To present them

Now I’m having a sugar crash

Alcohol will save me

I bought a TV

My last TV broke and then I got a really crappy second hand sound sucks…

Old ass fucking TV

I haven’t had a new TV in over 10 years

Kind of excited

Kind of ashamed for buying something

Wanting the things to be able to enjoy stuff

It wasn’t an expensive TV

It was the cheapest 1080p one I could find

If I remember correctly it’s cheaper than my last one

And yet I want to apologise for just existing

It’s so weird it’s like there’s a me that feels so ashamed for even existing and then a me that unapologetically does what is best for me

Thinking back to the me that wanted a TV but couldn’t have a nice one

Not even a decent one

This is like a reward for them

But of course, it’s finite

This age of rewarding my poor, stressed, trying too hard, mind

Is temporary

But shouldn’t I enjoy it while I can?

This consolation prize?

Sorry you can’t find love

Here’s some money

Queer fucking Universe

Worse than me

This place

What do I do to redeem myself?

What do I do to take my life into my own hands for once?

I wish I wasn’t ashamed of my own existence

Why does it never feel okay,

Even after they say it is?

This is one of the sucky parts of self study

I want to say something

I have a word

The word feels like it’s wrong

Google says it’s right but I still feel like it’s wrong in this context

I can’t get Google to register it

頼む？

それの方が

Now I’m stuck on ほうs

I don’t know if the 方法 is 方 or 法

I actually do know I just thought that sentence sounded fun

No one to ask

Sometimes I say things and know it’s not quite right but translation only goes so far

Everyone translates everything differently

If the two translations between my translators more or less feel the same I’m probably right

But 注文

Feels different

Learning alone

I’ve had many mistakes

勘違い

It’s hard to form a language from nothing

No foundation

At least I have the foundation now

Still I find myself wandering aimlessly through vocabulary

The ravens are crowing

The crows in Japan were bigger than our ravens

And I got to talk to one

I want to go back

I try so hard to keep the language real and malleable in my mind

If everything I’ve ever said I worked hard at before was a lie, this would be the truth

I’ve worked my hardest to create and keep Japanese in my life

It’s the one thing that no one could convince me otherwise

I worked my ass off for Japanese

And this is in no way saying it wasn’t worth it

I’d do it again

And languages deserve hard work

They are what has been passed to us

Generation to generation

From the first being who used vocalization as communication

I think that’s what my strange overdose dream thing was telling me

Language is sacred

It’s also fluid

Ever changing

Like a substance unknown to the Universe

From one thing into the next

Sometimes having almost no remnant of what was before

We don’t know what words our ancestors spoke

We know their feelings

Their emotions

The human experience and the words that we attach to them now

And everything is different now

I can’t just hop on a boat and go disappear into the Japanese countryside

But with Japanese, at least, I can feel the tongues of millions who spoke these same words before me

Japanese, other than the past 80 years or so, has mostly stayed very similar

I speak words ancient

Japan’s peculiar preservation

It’s just cool

Knowing another language is cool

Becoming intimately aware of the culture of words

That was weird I feel like someone just unplugged and replugged in reality for a second

Strange neurological symptoms

Don’t mind me

Language is a doorway

Many people choose to stand in it and never go through

Language is a doorway that toddlers are ushered through with celebration

But it’s seldom the same for children, or adults

Treated instead as an obligation

You must have gone through the door

Japanese was a door I found by myself

Maybe it found me

It has always been in my life

I remember so vividly saying サヨナラ at the end of piano class

I can’t remember the teacher

Or her race

I was so small I didn’t even register stupid stuff like that yet

This was either during or before grade 1

I feel like it was well before though because I distinctly remember the approach from the car and we’d moved by then

Memories from so long ago

Yeah, there’s Japanese

One of those chance meetings I guess

I seem to get those with everything but humans

Difficult

But I’ll figure it out

I hope anyways

It’s the way the dog perks up when I come out

No one’s ever excited to see me

I feel unimportant

To anyone

But this dog that isn’t even mine is happy to see me

Why can’t humans do that?

Light up a little bit when they see me

I don’t think wanting to feel important is limited to me

And I don’t want the world to revolve around me

I’m not expecting people who don’t know me to be excited to see me

I just want people in my life to be

I don’t see my mum for months and she’s like hi hunny

Like we see eachother every day

I want to feel like my presence has meaning

Like it’s not just guaranteed

Like I’m not

I feel like furniture

Like everyone is so used to me that I’m barely even noticed

How does it feel to be seen?

How does it feel when everything finally fits into place?

When is that ever going to happen for me?

I’m just a spirit held together by devices

And fleeting thoughts that leave so fast I’m left breathless

What was I doing

Doubt is all I am

Probably all I’ll ever be

To be seen

And I truly believed that moment would be

When you met me

Left with it

The doubt

There’s nothing left here’s something to hold on to

It’s doubt

I mean

At least the dog gets excited

I’m not completely unworthy of it

I wonder where I was going to be

Why am I in the Universe where this happens?

Why can’t I even remember the mistake I made?

It’s so strange to feel okay

Heart tucked away

Best outcome

Maybe it was all just an exercise in knowing my heart is too much for this world

Maybe it was a lesson to keep it quiet

Silent

Don’t listen to your heart

What a lesson

Foolish thing that it is

It aches to think of

Trapped yet so near

Inside yet out

So sure

So wrong

And I am alone

I have online contacts

But my life is devoid of actual presence

There is no trusting something that led me here

Hell if I lived by my heart

I’d be an actual stalker

I’m obsessive

It’s probably the neurodivergence

That I get stuck on things

People

Probably also that I so rarely have things

But I’m okay

As usual I just tripped or something

Fell in a hole

Somehow I’m here

Every night I lost myself

Every day I tried to end

You would think taking an entire bottle of ibuprofen would do something

Especially since it was the third time and I didn’t go to the hospital to drink charcoal

Sanity says something something, internal biology, sorry liver

Insanity says Death is trying to avoid me while also being in my dreams every night

It’s all very confusing

What would I do without these questions?

I want to exist in a world where I can answer them

Or else be normal like everyone else

Visible

Invisible

Just less me, I guess

Trying to be normal made me miserable

Not being normal makes me miserable

It’s truly a mystery

So many mysteries

I remember an emotion

Upon hearing I’d never know the answers

Rage coupled with despair

A bitter taste

That was years ago

Some place

Some time

And I’ve grown more reserved

A weary sigh

I suppose not

But I’m okay

Somehow I keep going

I’m going to

And this is the worst outcome I could have imagined

But it’s better this way

It has to be

Made it out alive

Surviving

Not living

Still killing time until Time kills me with all my devices

It has to be

All’s well that ends well

Right?

Good night and goodbye to Arcturus

Sun chaser

Left with the boy

His dagger

The kite

Leaving only the Dipper that led him across the sky

Oh this place

You’re talking about this place

This place that only we know

This world orchestrated by a chorus of lights

This place I can wander for hours

This place I was left with

The only friends I could find

Glitter

Shining shards of something great and terrifying

And, yeah, I’m always here

Even on the nights they’re blocked out

Underneath them

Within them

It’s all held just so just because they’re all there

Without them the galaxy would be nothing but a hole in space

Because they’re there the galaxy is here

If they weren’t here to illuminate it

There would be nothing to see

Oh tell me

How I can shine like you

Brilliant somethings

What are you?

Who knows

That I’m of you

Back and back

How do I shine as bright?

Why are you playing this music I’m trying to be poetic

Oh they’d all stumble and fall in my shoes

Left to the stars

The light from the cities is obscene

There are trillions more

You’re pleasing the Cat

Hmm

A problem

A shame

Yeah I’m the Goku of mental health this isn’t even my final form

And, foolish thing

But we’ll march

As you say

I don’t know who I’m insulting

But it still resonates

Of course, it’s not raining

But we’ll do our best to say so long

Tiny machine in the sky

What am I doing now I wonder?

Not even one

What if you get not even one?

But

Damn it

I can be okay right?

No love

Signs of love

No real love

There’s no way for me to be real

But I can be okay like this, right?

Just keep going

I want to cry

Because accepting that I’m alone

That this is my life

Even if my heart can’t be stopped, won’t return

Can I let it go and say thanks for the memories

I don’t need you anymore

You don’t need a heart to do good things

If I followed it

Well, precisely

Dissociate for a bit

I love my lights

They hold me here

They find me

Go find the rings

Before they disappear

There’s not much to say today

After all, how many times can I say

It’s better off this way

Say I have nothing left?

Take everything away and yet I am

For some reason

How is it I persist to be?

The original wolf

The original is much better

This sunset

The sky is that charming pink colour

I don’t believe

Anything

Bewildered and nothing more

How can I trust even myself after this?

Most people don’t carry a regret as heavy as mine

Was thinking so much

Yet thinking never happened

What I would do in the event of colossal failure

Wasn’t even a thought in my mind

Because I believed

Believing is dangerous

Why is every song by that artist but Believe playing?

Not summoning songs now, I’m summoning artists

I want to be a part of something

But announcing announcements is obnoxious

An apple falls

Odd that I never heard them until the tree was gone

As if the yard hadn’t fully rendered yet

Sometimes I’m convinced that I’m the Universe and its just me

Everything else is filler

Both the one and of it

Try not to go crazy without anything, me

Two days

Send me a sign

That I didn’t do all of this for nothing

I’m waiting until yesterday means something

Until then, what’s there to say than what’s been said before?

In this world with nothing for me

Forcing myself into shapes for the sake of others

And the one time I felt I was finally free

Was a mirage

What is it but a chronicle of pain?

When can I fill it with hope for others to see?

I suppose if you find hope in seeing that someone can keep going with nothing but devices

I did want to be in his heart

Well he did say it was a tragedy if read forwards

I thought it was a joke

Or something about everything up until then being a tragedy

Is that all it is?

A damn shame?

The pink has faded

Arcturus

Oh I almost did

Wish that on the star

Don’t listen to my heart

It’s delirious

We’ve been trying to smother it

The space around us keeps reminding it

Cruelly

Do you remember?

Of course I do

It just happened

Don’t let it out

It’ll do something terrible

Desperate not to be the end

But this was an end

Cruelly

It’s the beginning again

ずっと

When do I get to see the light up close?

Chasing it from afar

You could have saved me so much time with some simple words

Ever the carrot

Never to eat

You can revel at the fact that I’m still standing all you want but

There’s going to be a day when I’m not

At this rate

Enjoy it while it lasts I guess