Elucidating Questions

Well

Well

Linkin Park

Kyle randomly appeared today and I was feeling awful because I immediately was attracted to him again

Some 15 years later

And thinking of that poem I wrote hoping he was well

And then suddenly Linkin Park

Because my memory

And oh my god

I cried

Like

A lot

She’s beautiful, she’s amazing, her voice is hot as hell

From Zero

I laugh again

Didn’t I just write that?

Just..

Back there a bit

I don’t know

Let’s do it

They all looked so happy

It wasn’t an announcement of an announcement it was a whole concert

And Chester

I feel like I’m sitting in the Sun right now

That man is so fucking proud

That something I associate with him that I’m afraid to truly name because that would have implications

But he’s everywhere

Somehow

No don’t try to explain the mechanics of death

I doubt I’d understand

I heard him singing at times

I don’t know if they had his track playing sometimes

Or if he was just joining in

I’m proud too

To keep going after all this

Get up and say nope not today

And I wondered

Why I’m still here and he’s not

How that could possibly be

Chester is it alright if I crush on your band mate?

Well that was an interesting vibration from my phone

So yeah?

Yeah, okay

Saved by Linkin Park

Again

I need to see where this goes

She’s amazing

The fucking balls it would take to stand in that stage

One raven

My god

Yeah I didn’t believe you when you told me she was a she

Because you’re not allowed to tell me things like that, right?

Besides, what’s right? What’s wrong?

This, that, but not all the time

I’m alive

Is this what it feels like?

I just had something breathed back into me I cannot name

And this is a feeling I no longer know very well

Could tomorrow mean something?

This yesterday that means something

I feel bad for me this morning

Having forgotten about this

And he’s haunting me

But you

I know you’re okay

I miss you so much

And I don’t know what it means

I mean I challenged the author to attempt to keep me

Maybe the author is Mike

I kid, of course

I just wanted them to cheer as loud for her as they would you

Captivated

May I please see them? It was one of my dreams to see them live

I thought that dream died with Chester

She was amazing

What a fucking voice

You’re haunting me today

I can’t escape it

I’m dehydrated as fuck

And you’re torturing me

Go away

Leave me

Live your life out far away from me I never want to hear your name or see your face again

I want to be left alone here

Because I was always alone

But my mind tricked me into thinking there was hope

You’re not hope

You never were

A figment that exists

You belong there

Evermore

Leave me

Leave my thoughts

Terrorising me while I’m trying to work

There’s no good ending to these stories I’m imagining

Because I wake up from them

He held me tight last night

I remember

Desperately

No one has ever held me desperately

Just a trick in the dark

I pay him with hours spent wondering who and why he is

I’d rather think of him

But his face

I never remember his face

Stuck with you instead

How long will this happen?

How long will I have these daymares of you?

Poor sweet soul you can’t be angry

I only wish he had control over me thinking of him

He’d be long gone

I’d be free

This morning sucked

Has sucked

First I was stuck in a taxi with an irritable old woman who possibly had dementia and kept angrily grumbling at the driver to “get going already” when we were stopped behind traffic or at a red light.

Fucking Handydart not employing enough drivers

And then I couldn’t buy my drink for the day because there was a power outage this morning

But of course the power outage is over now so I still have to work

Isn’t that lovely?

Am I being punished for this morning?

It slipped out I’d just woken up I forgot

I’m not trying to imagine being with someone who is not for me

I’m not

Immediate regret

Yet the punishment continues

For not reigning in my heart

I’m sorry

For what it’s worth

It probably did more damage to me than him

He doesn’t know about it so why do I have to see these things in my way today?

Some good unpreparedness watching though

Do people not check that things are open before going to them?

I’m so thirsty

This isn’t fair

I can finally afford my morning drink without worry and the grocery store isn’t open because power outage and frozen things.

Ugh.

It’s only 4 hours

I can do this

So exhausted

I just want to feel awake

As I’m rewatching

Besides that thrill of glee that I understand the words

I’m thinking back to me

A young me who doesn’t know what they’re singing

The theme songs

And now I do know

Sung honestly

Didn’t know it was something I wanted

Still sang with all their heart

And now it’s out of my reach and the words feel

Stuck in me

Even though I join in singing

I don’t believe them

I believed them when I didn’t know what they meant

I was singing for someone

Some idea of someone

That idea is so far from me now

Was there supposed to be someone to love?

For me?

Did they die?

Did they leave me here on this god forsaken planet?

Alone?

Is that why Death won’t leave me alone but won’t face me?

Guilt?

I could love someone if they’d let me

I can’t love by myself

ただ残酷

That’s just how it is

And I’m apparently supposed to accept it

My only hope of finding someone

Already tried to kill me with said someone it found me

Oh you do expect me to do things that bring me only discomfort

Just overcome everything

Alone!

No

I’ll die alone before setting myself up for being killed again

You taunt me

You taunt me with your everyone else getting their perfect love story

I must have been a god who ensured people never saw happiness

I scrape it towards me

But it’s never real

I crave love

People run in the other direction

What more is there to say?

Just stop wanting to be loved and then someone will love you

Just stop needing something all humans need

Just stop

Why do you want me to be inhuman?

Why do you expect so much more from me?

I’ve always wanted people who were made for someone else

Granted some of them I didn’t know they were for else

But this search for someone who sees that I care

I’ve always picked the wrong person

Is it in my nature to be wrong, I wonder?

And, truly, I’d be most at home in a cuddly platonic relationship with a few people

Living together and just being there for eachother

But even one is too much to ask

And watching budding relationships stings

I’m not waiting for you

I’m just not going anywhere

No gang vocals right now

I can’t take the sound of it

Of devotion

These songs of not love, but devotion

I would rather sing vague songs about how tomorrow is going to be better

Someone devoted to me

There is not one person on the planet

How lonely

It stings

Love

That anxious little

But I want it, but I’ve never experienced it, and I never will

Feeling I get when I see it

It must be nice

To have true love

良いね

It’s like it’s teasing me

Look how nice this is for other people

Look at how they’re enjoying life

Time is passing me by

I’ll die eventually

I mean, obviously

So many years wasted

Is this it?

Can’t you do better than this?

But you don’t

You author person

You’re lazy

It’s not my fault you’re incapable of writing my love story

Gave up did you?

I asked for the Moon

But you couldn’t even figure out how to work in some dust

Lazy fuck

Lashing out at nothing

It truly feels cruel

How love is everywhere

I can’t escape it

I need a filter for life

No displays of romantic affection ever

How am I supposed to be not bitter when it’s everywhere

And I want it more than anything

But I can’t have it

Reality is so cruel