Elucidating Questions

It’s so strange to feel okay

Heart tucked away

Best outcome

Maybe it was all just an exercise in knowing my heart is too much for this world

Maybe it was a lesson to keep it quiet

Silent

Don’t listen to your heart

What a lesson

Foolish thing that it is

It aches to think of

Trapped yet so near

Inside yet out

So sure

So wrong

And I am alone

I have online contacts

But my life is devoid of actual presence

There is no trusting something that led me here

Hell if I lived by my heart

I’d be an actual stalker

I’m obsessive

It’s probably the neurodivergence

That I get stuck on things

People

Probably also that I so rarely have things

But I’m okay

As usual I just tripped or something

Fell in a hole

Somehow I’m here

Every night I lost myself

Every day I tried to end

You would think taking an entire bottle of ibuprofen would do something

Especially since it was the third time and I didn’t go to the hospital to drink charcoal

Sanity says something something, internal biology, sorry liver

Insanity says Death is trying to avoid me while also being in my dreams every night

It’s all very confusing

What would I do without these questions?

I want to exist in a world where I can answer them

Or else be normal like everyone else

Visible

Invisible

Just less me, I guess

Trying to be normal made me miserable

Not being normal makes me miserable

It’s truly a mystery

So many mysteries

I remember an emotion

Upon hearing I’d never know the answers

Rage coupled with despair

A bitter taste

That was years ago

Some place

Some time

And I’ve grown more reserved

A weary sigh

I suppose not

But I’m okay

Somehow I keep going

I’m going to

And this is the worst outcome I could have imagined

But it’s better this way

It has to be

Made it out alive

Surviving

Not living

Still killing time until Time kills me with all my devices

It has to be

All’s well that ends well

Right?

Good night and goodbye to Arcturus

Sun chaser

Left with the boy

His dagger

The kite

Leaving only the Dipper that led him across the sky

Oh this place

You’re talking about this place

This place that only we know

This world orchestrated by a chorus of lights

This place I can wander for hours

This place I was left with

The only friends I could find

Glitter

Shining shards of something great and terrifying

And, yeah, I’m always here

Even on the nights they’re blocked out

Underneath them

Within them

It’s all held just so just because they’re all there

Without them the galaxy would be nothing but a hole in space

Because they’re there the galaxy is here

If they weren’t here to illuminate it

There would be nothing to see

Oh tell me

How I can shine like you

Brilliant somethings

What are you?

Who knows

That I’m of you

Back and back

How do I shine as bright?

Why are you playing this music I’m trying to be poetic

Oh they’d all stumble and fall in my shoes

Left to the stars

The light from the cities is obscene

There are trillions more

You’re pleasing the Cat

Hmm

A problem

A shame

Yeah I’m the Goku of mental health this isn’t even my final form

And, foolish thing

But we’ll march

As you say

I don’t know who I’m insulting

But it still resonates

Of course, it’s not raining

But we’ll do our best to say so long

Tiny machine in the sky

What am I doing now I wonder?

Not even one

What if you get not even one?

But

Damn it

I can be okay right?

No love

Signs of love

No real love

There’s no way for me to be real

But I can be okay like this, right?

Just keep going

I want to cry

Because accepting that I’m alone

That this is my life

Even if my heart can’t be stopped, won’t return

Can I let it go and say thanks for the memories

I don’t need you anymore

You don’t need a heart to do good things

If I followed it

Well, precisely

Dissociate for a bit

I love my lights

They hold me here

They find me

Go find the rings

Before they disappear

There’s not much to say today

After all, how many times can I say

It’s better off this way

Say I have nothing left?

Take everything away and yet I am

For some reason

How is it I persist to be?

The original wolf

The original is much better

This sunset

The sky is that charming pink colour

I don’t believe

Anything

Bewildered and nothing more

How can I trust even myself after this?

Most people don’t carry a regret as heavy as mine

Was thinking so much

Yet thinking never happened

What I would do in the event of colossal failure

Wasn’t even a thought in my mind

Because I believed

Believing is dangerous

Why is every song by that artist but Believe playing?

Not summoning songs now, I’m summoning artists

I want to be a part of something

But announcing announcements is obnoxious

An apple falls

Odd that I never heard them until the tree was gone

As if the yard hadn’t fully rendered yet

Sometimes I’m convinced that I’m the Universe and its just me

Everything else is filler

Both the one and of it

Try not to go crazy without anything, me

Two days

Send me a sign

That I didn’t do all of this for nothing

I’m waiting until yesterday means something

Until then, what’s there to say than what’s been said before?

In this world with nothing for me

Forcing myself into shapes for the sake of others

And the one time I felt I was finally free

Was a mirage

What is it but a chronicle of pain?

When can I fill it with hope for others to see?

I suppose if you find hope in seeing that someone can keep going with nothing but devices

I did want to be in his heart

Well he did say it was a tragedy if read forwards

I thought it was a joke

Or something about everything up until then being a tragedy

Is that all it is?

A damn shame?

The pink has faded

Arcturus

Oh I almost did

Wish that on the star

Don’t listen to my heart

It’s delirious

We’ve been trying to smother it

The space around us keeps reminding it

Cruelly

Do you remember?

Of course I do

It just happened

Don’t let it out

It’ll do something terrible

Desperate not to be the end

But this was an end

Cruelly

It’s the beginning again

ずっと

When do I get to see the light up close?

Chasing it from afar

You could have saved me so much time with some simple words

Ever the carrot

Never to eat

You can revel at the fact that I’m still standing all you want but

There’s going to be a day when I’m not

At this rate

Enjoy it while it lasts I guess

I wonder what I’m supposed to be believing in?

Believe, believe,

It’s repeating and I wouldn’t be surprised if Believe started playing just to cement it in

But, what?

You maddening thing

What?

Wish is a word that seems to disappear

Fade away as all things dropped throughout Time

Why is this the English version?

I’m self conscious about my music

I’m self conscious about my Japanese music

Grew up hearing about how awful it was

If you’re going to listen to that stuff wear headphones

Everyone always hated my music

I always rush to turn it off when someone comes in

Japanese music is more often pitched in my range but I’m ashamed to sing Japanese in front of people

I want to go to a place where I can sing

I don’t have to believe in it, apparently no one else believes what they’re singing

Isn’t it funny that your scream brings me peace?

You never tell me to believe

There isn’t anyone to be wide awake

There was never a sleep to wake from

Dreams of a sick mind

It was so sweet

Was a lovely tale that would have been

All that intent

And in the end

Well, you know

No, I think I’m going to exist without believing for a while

There’s nothing to believe in

Just questions and things I’ve been left to agonize over because there’s nothing else to fill the time

Preoccupied with dreams because that’s the only thing that’s happening

Remembering or not

Oh my god

Don’t remind me about things that made me laugh you

You

What a segway

It’s supposed to be this way

For whatever reason

Reality

This thing that rejects me

The people in my every day life are mostly pleasant

But can’t I have connection?

Isn’t that something I’m worthy of?

I can’t even believe that wholeheartedly

No, nothing

Such a difficult thing you ask of me

So much I’ll never be able to believe in again

My mind is a labyrinth of things that taught me never to trust again

Perfection

I can’t offer that

I’m not the words I’m the music

So many stupid love songs

So many songs about not loving someone, but wanting to be loved

But they all have a subject

I have no subject

You

Some ideal they slowly destroyed

Random pain

Will it kill me?

Is this my new hope?

Ah

There’s the song I was humming this morning

I was wondering where it was

What a useless trick

Look at me

I know what song is going to come on

No one really wants me

I’m broken

But two is not enough

変な魔法

Is this another joke?

How can you laugh at me about this?

It’s so unfair

I can’t even show anyone

Look

It’s laughing at me

It’s all I see

With a heart that can’t lose, let’s go see tomorrow?

What is that?

にしても歌う

全力で

アイドルの力

What a strange thing

Well written

At least the stars are still beautiful

Did you see how the clouds took them from me on the one night I needed them?

Traitors

Things that won’t change

Will my world really change?

I’ll continue on this solo journey

Always

I couldn’t tell you why

I couldn’t tell you

More than anything I want to meet him

Meet Death

See a face that knows me

The only one that knows me

Finally know why I’m summoning the god, spirit, entity, of death every night

I’ll go anywhere

As long as I get to know the answer to that question

Fuck the other question

Fuck it

It’s better off this way

But why?

Who is he?

I want to see you

So I’ll go stare at your 合図

And go to sleep

And pray there’s far less of that stranger

That token

Pray I find you sooner

I’ll forget reality gladly

No one has to know

They never knew before

I can go completely insane and no one notices

There is no clarity

I’m not holding on to it anymore

Reality can fade away

You keep telling me to dream

The name just found me

寝よ

Facebook keeps suggesting co workers from my past

Who I’ve never searched for

Who aren’t in my phone

And I feel like I’m creeping on them

Oh look a person I knew once still living their life

I tried reaching out

It doesn’t work

I’m yet again the only one interested

No one’s interested in me

And I know I’m not interesting

The Wolf said as much

I only date interesting people with personalities

I know that if I was one of the good picks I’d be taken

Some people are just destined for solitude in this world

I’m not interested in what didn’t happen

Because no one ever saw me

Though I guess it would be worse if people saw me and didn’t like that

Exclusive

Will there ever be anyone worth trusting with myself?

I don’t want to do my best anymore

I want to be as lazy as fuck and just give up and let the world swallow me

But I won’t and I hear the gentle laughter of the chorus as I get back up again

Is it disbelief or is it as funny as I think it is?

I’m that one song

It’s a vodka drink right now

The Sun is dying the tiny tufts of cloud pink

Torturing me with the past

Teasing me with strangers

Look at all these relationships you thought were real

I don’t have to worry about what I’m going to do

I have 7 years of training

But how are you going to convince me there’s something to continue for now?

I recieved the transmission

When does my luck run out?