Elucidating Questions

This morning sucked

Has sucked

First I was stuck in a taxi with an irritable old woman who possibly had dementia and kept angrily grumbling at the driver to “get going already” when we were stopped behind traffic or at a red light.

Fucking Handydart not employing enough drivers

And then I couldn’t buy my drink for the day because there was a power outage this morning

But of course the power outage is over now so I still have to work

Isn’t that lovely?

Am I being punished for this morning?

It slipped out I’d just woken up I forgot

I’m not trying to imagine being with someone who is not for me

I’m not

Immediate regret

Yet the punishment continues

For not reigning in my heart

I’m sorry

For what it’s worth

It probably did more damage to me than him

He doesn’t know about it so why do I have to see these things in my way today?

Some good unpreparedness watching though

Do people not check that things are open before going to them?

I’m so thirsty

This isn’t fair

I can finally afford my morning drink without worry and the grocery store isn’t open because power outage and frozen things.

Ugh.

It’s only 4 hours

I can do this

So exhausted

I just want to feel awake

As I’m rewatching

Besides that thrill of glee that I understand the words

I’m thinking back to me

A young me who doesn’t know what they’re singing

The theme songs

And now I do know

Sung honestly

Didn’t know it was something I wanted

Still sang with all their heart

And now it’s out of my reach and the words feel

Stuck in me

Even though I join in singing

I don’t believe them

I believed them when I didn’t know what they meant

I was singing for someone

Some idea of someone

That idea is so far from me now

Was there supposed to be someone to love?

For me?

Did they die?

Did they leave me here on this god forsaken planet?

Alone?

Is that why Death won’t leave me alone but won’t face me?

Guilt?

I could love someone if they’d let me

I can’t love by myself

ただ残酷

That’s just how it is

And I’m apparently supposed to accept it

My only hope of finding someone

Already tried to kill me with said someone it found me

Oh you do expect me to do things that bring me only discomfort

Just overcome everything

Alone!

No

I’ll die alone before setting myself up for being killed again

You taunt me

You taunt me with your everyone else getting their perfect love story

I must have been a god who ensured people never saw happiness

I scrape it towards me

But it’s never real

I crave love

People run in the other direction

What more is there to say?

Just stop wanting to be loved and then someone will love you

Just stop needing something all humans need

Just stop

Why do you want me to be inhuman?

Why do you expect so much more from me?

I’ve always wanted people who were made for someone else

Granted some of them I didn’t know they were for else

But this search for someone who sees that I care

I’ve always picked the wrong person

Is it in my nature to be wrong, I wonder?

And, truly, I’d be most at home in a cuddly platonic relationship with a few people

Living together and just being there for eachother

But even one is too much to ask

And watching budding relationships stings

I’m not waiting for you

I’m just not going anywhere

No gang vocals right now

I can’t take the sound of it

Of devotion

These songs of not love, but devotion

I would rather sing vague songs about how tomorrow is going to be better

Someone devoted to me

There is not one person on the planet

How lonely

It stings

Love

That anxious little

But I want it, but I’ve never experienced it, and I never will

Feeling I get when I see it

It must be nice

To have true love

良いね

It’s like it’s teasing me

Look how nice this is for other people

Look at how they’re enjoying life

Time is passing me by

I’ll die eventually

I mean, obviously

So many years wasted

Is this it?

Can’t you do better than this?

But you don’t

You author person

You’re lazy

It’s not my fault you’re incapable of writing my love story

Gave up did you?

I asked for the Moon

But you couldn’t even figure out how to work in some dust

Lazy fuck

Lashing out at nothing

It truly feels cruel

How love is everywhere

I can’t escape it

I need a filter for life

No displays of romantic affection ever

How am I supposed to be not bitter when it’s everywhere

And I want it more than anything

But I can’t have it

Reality is so cruel

Back to apologising for my presence

A step back

Probably to be expected

A fall back

If I’m not singing it back

What am I doing?

Singing it out?

As ordered?

There’s so little to gain

And I am again ashamed

To have needs

To present them

Now I’m having a sugar crash

Alcohol will save me

I bought a TV

My last TV broke and then I got a really crappy second hand sound sucks…

Old ass fucking TV

I haven’t had a new TV in over 10 years

Kind of excited

Kind of ashamed for buying something

Wanting the things to be able to enjoy stuff

It wasn’t an expensive TV

It was the cheapest 1080p one I could find

If I remember correctly it’s cheaper than my last one

And yet I want to apologise for just existing

It’s so weird it’s like there’s a me that feels so ashamed for even existing and then a me that unapologetically does what is best for me

Thinking back to the me that wanted a TV but couldn’t have a nice one

Not even a decent one

This is like a reward for them

But of course, it’s finite

This age of rewarding my poor, stressed, trying too hard, mind

Is temporary

But shouldn’t I enjoy it while I can?

This consolation prize?

Sorry you can’t find love

Here’s some money

Queer fucking Universe

Worse than me

This place

What do I do to redeem myself?

What do I do to take my life into my own hands for once?

I wish I wasn’t ashamed of my own existence

Why does it never feel okay,

Even after they say it is?

This is one of the sucky parts of self study

I want to say something

I have a word

The word feels like it’s wrong

Google says it’s right but I still feel like it’s wrong in this context

I can’t get Google to register it

頼む？

それの方が

Now I’m stuck on ほうs

I don’t know if the 方法 is 方 or 法

I actually do know I just thought that sentence sounded fun

No one to ask

Sometimes I say things and know it’s not quite right but translation only goes so far

Everyone translates everything differently

If the two translations between my translators more or less feel the same I’m probably right

But 注文

Feels different

Learning alone

I’ve had many mistakes

勘違い

It’s hard to form a language from nothing

No foundation

At least I have the foundation now

Still I find myself wandering aimlessly through vocabulary

The ravens are crowing

The crows in Japan were bigger than our ravens

And I got to talk to one

I want to go back

I try so hard to keep the language real and malleable in my mind

If everything I’ve ever said I worked hard at before was a lie, this would be the truth

I’ve worked my hardest to create and keep Japanese in my life

It’s the one thing that no one could convince me otherwise

I worked my ass off for Japanese

And this is in no way saying it wasn’t worth it

I’d do it again

And languages deserve hard work

They are what has been passed to us

Generation to generation

From the first being who used vocalization as communication

I think that’s what my strange overdose dream thing was telling me

Language is sacred

It’s also fluid

Ever changing

Like a substance unknown to the Universe

From one thing into the next

Sometimes having almost no remnant of what was before

We don’t know what words our ancestors spoke

We know their feelings

Their emotions

The human experience and the words that we attach to them now

And everything is different now

I can’t just hop on a boat and go disappear into the Japanese countryside

But with Japanese, at least, I can feel the tongues of millions who spoke these same words before me

Japanese, other than the past 80 years or so, has mostly stayed very similar

I speak words ancient

Japan’s peculiar preservation

It’s just cool

Knowing another language is cool

Becoming intimately aware of the culture of words

That was weird I feel like someone just unplugged and replugged in reality for a second

Strange neurological symptoms

Don’t mind me

Language is a doorway

Many people choose to stand in it and never go through

Language is a doorway that toddlers are ushered through with celebration

But it’s seldom the same for children, or adults

Treated instead as an obligation

You must have gone through the door

Japanese was a door I found by myself

Maybe it found me

It has always been in my life

I remember so vividly saying サヨナラ at the end of piano class

I can’t remember the teacher

Or her race

I was so small I didn’t even register stupid stuff like that yet

This was either during or before grade 1

I feel like it was well before though because I distinctly remember the approach from the car and we’d moved by then

Memories from so long ago

Yeah, there’s Japanese

One of those chance meetings I guess

I seem to get those with everything but humans

Difficult

But I’ll figure it out

I hope anyways

It’s the way the dog perks up when I come out

No one’s ever excited to see me

I feel unimportant

To anyone

But this dog that isn’t even mine is happy to see me

Why can’t humans do that?

Light up a little bit when they see me

I don’t think wanting to feel important is limited to me

And I don’t want the world to revolve around me

I’m not expecting people who don’t know me to be excited to see me

I just want people in my life to be

I don’t see my mum for months and she’s like hi hunny

Like we see eachother every day

I want to feel like my presence has meaning

Like it’s not just guaranteed

Like I’m not

I feel like furniture

Like everyone is so used to me that I’m barely even noticed

How does it feel to be seen?

How does it feel when everything finally fits into place?

When is that ever going to happen for me?

I’m just a spirit held together by devices

And fleeting thoughts that leave so fast I’m left breathless

What was I doing

Doubt is all I am

Probably all I’ll ever be

To be seen

And I truly believed that moment would be

When you met me

Left with it

The doubt

There’s nothing left here’s something to hold on to

It’s doubt

I mean

At least the dog gets excited

I’m not completely unworthy of it

I wonder where I was going to be

Why am I in the Universe where this happens?

Why can’t I even remember the mistake I made?