Elucidating Questions

My chair feels like it’s stable but upon coming outside just now I saw that it’s just balancing over a hole in the yard

Interesting how appearances can be deceiving

That doesn’t apply this time though

What if, what if

What if everything is fine?

Always posing these possibilities to me

As if imagining them carries any weight

3333 eh?

Angel number

What are the angel voices trying to tell me?

Why does it always go against what reality is showing me?

My heart will never give up

It doesn’t care about society’s rules

But it does care about him

I’m just a stress

Isn’t it love that makes us blind?

Just because I want to believe it

Doesn’t make it true

And if I fall into the trap of believing again

I’m no better than whatever I did

How I want to believe

But believing would be disrespectful

In the end I’m just an insane poet

It’s hard to believe it’s all for nothing

3333

Maybe a warning call for the Earth

If I had the power to save her, and everyone on her

I would

A teeny tiny part of me still thinks they’re all redeemable

Somehow

So tiny

So powerless

Sometimes redemption is not mine to decide

Besides my own

Am I redeemable?

Worst person on the planet was a hyperbole, yeah?

I’m worthy of some love

I couldn’t tell you how much without understating it

I always try to give myself less

I took less food at dinner when there wasn’t enough for everyone

Spent so long hating myself and thinking I deserved nothing

Worst person on the planet

Or was it Universe?

I’m not that

At least

I deserve as much love as anyone

I don’t know what I did to cause this life

But whatever it was, I’m not that person

Someone who existed before me and dictated my struggles

生まれ変わって来たんじゃないか

Being reborn means the tethers of the past still hold you

But you are unaware of them

What did I want to become?

How can I not f feel like I’m falling short?

Destiny terrifies me

That this was a path prewritten

長いなー

How is life both so long and so short?

I’ve wasted it pouring ink

Will there ever be a place for me?

Beside someone who stays?

Wouldn’t that have been funny

All this time, all this pain

Defeated by an itchy bug bite

But those things itch fuck

The problem with an itch versus pain

And I get this difference when my skin is on fire for no reason

You can scratch an itch

Right?

Interact with it

Even if scratching just makes it worse

In the moment you’re scratching it you’re like

This was a brilliant idea

But pain doesn’t even have that placebo moment where you’re creating endorphins

It just is pain

At least we have things to relieve the itch

Never mind the other day when I was wondering if cutting off my arm would relieve the pain

I was ready to chew through my ankle

Different sensations

Perhaps I felt it more intensely because my skin is always just a bit itchy

Thank you bug gel

Now I have some screwing around with technology to do

There is a cat in the next yard crying about something

And I can’t get to it

Now it’s gone silent

I’ve been holding on to its meows for a while now

Let’s hope silence just means they moved

Curse property laws

Always being stopped from doing anything

No way to hop the fence

Even if I wasn’t disabled

Okay I think I just heard them some other place

Hoping

Sometimes the trees that keep this yard private are in the way

Still confused about why I never heard the apple tree dropping apples before

Mysteries

Aliens would be interesting

But then we’d have to prove my theory or not

Fun to imagine

Uncertain it would be as fun in practise

The dreams are so choppy in daylight

It’s a concert now

The convention

Whose?

Old man, old woman

Door that only opens at night

Being

Same structure

My heart says terrifying things

I want to run away from here, but I can’t

I want to run away from him, but I can’t

And you, the spirit of something that tells me to keep going

I want to be able to do things

Being trapped in inability is so devastating

But your love is keeping me kind

The want to help is never gone

Are you somewhere out there?

Clouds blocking out the stars

I can’t see out into the emptiness

If I look to you now

What am I but a problem?

Human

To be human

It’s just kind of gross

Being a fleshy thing

There’s always a you in songs

And being living is gross

But can’t I be gross with someone?

Can’t there be a you that I’m just a disgusting human with?

The part of me that hurts when love stories happen

Can’t it be erased?

What a strange lesson

Don’t let your heart win

These disgusting needs that are completely human

It hurts from inside

Longs to find someone to trust

I wanted to trust

Silly things indeed

You know I can’t let go

Clinging to and running from the past

You’d think I like pain

A heart running full tilt into anything that will get it broken

I want to make it through this

But I can hear my heart beating

Thrashing

How dare you breathe life into me?

And now my heart is the drums

Can’t let anything go

Why am I still singing it back?

Foolish

Yes, dreams

Dreams where I go to live

What about them?

What are you trying to tell me?

Something

Bits and pieces

The maddening bits and pieces

Right where he wants

邪魔しちゃダメ

Yet you pluck the strings of the lyre

Sola

ね？

消えても構わないで

And my weak heart

I’m so lost in this space

I can’t stop moving

If I stopped now

And left all the ink to seep into the threads of the web

I have to

This is all I have

The heart wants

It reaches

Yearning

離せって言っても

離せ

Are my dreams going to be tumbling images of him again?

Do I have to hurt to feel better?

Time, Time

Running while laughing

I want to grab you and stop you

Can’t you wait for a moment?

All the gods’ children

You never let me catch my breath

Never telling me where we’re headed

Are you laughing at my speed again?

The words always match up

Now it’s listen to it

Listen to it, but don’t let it win

Be honest?

Honestly

I don’t know why I’m trapped by someone who doesn’t even see me

I do want to run away

Can’t I dream of you instead?

The speed of The Messenger

You know, if you’d just speak straight I wouldn’t always be so damn confused

Just keep breathing

In my castle of devices

I did imagine

Any number of rescuers

My diseases the dragon

But that was back then

Better never to picture things

Lest the reality distort them

My quiet wishes

They just fall all around like stars from the sky

Ah

I’m being told to go the fuck to bed

Another night

Another meeting with the something

How I wonder what you are

How I wonder what that makes me

Is there someone out there in the night waiting for me?

Not just in my mind, just out of my sight

Will anyone fight for me here?

Like I’m willing to fight

I don’t expect much

Rather, anything, right now

Is who I am worthy of the type of love that I seek?

There is a party going on

I can hear them enjoying

I wish to be there

When gatherings were for the entire village

Of course I wouldn’t have survived then

Born in the right time wrong timeline?

Who knows

Infinite possibilities in the darkness beyond the clouds

Minimal possibilities on the ground

I wish I could fly through the stars to a place more suited for me

Then everyone who knows me could just go on believing I was fine somewhere no matter what

Somewhere out in the stars

Far from these memories of what I’ve done

Hi says the dark thing

I have nothing to say to a trick of the darkness

I thought there was a meaning

Some kind of connection

But it’s just another fragment of this chaos inside me

It only feels like it’s outside because I don’t fit in this skin

Bleeding out into reality

My self

The things in the dark with me

How do you turn a light on inside yourself?

How do you illuminate the shadows that hang around just beyond your internal dialogue?

Lights are so temporary

How do I bring a star into my heart?

Light the doorways

The boxes and webs

I was willing to let one in once

But, see, I stand on the precipice

And willingness does not lead to anything

Will I be like him and still tortured inside?

What was he trying so hard to hide?

Let him be different

Those demons just lie and he’s free

Pour them into me

Fighting in the dark is my specialty

I dance with the demons all the time

There’s something in me that rises

From zero

And maybe it’s just a decimal point

0.01

That tiny existence contains me

I wonder what else I know that I don’t know I know?

It’s all such a mess, mixed up with my own wants and feelings

No sign came

So what now, I wonder?

His life is just beginning

I have a feeling mine ended

I’m just what’s left

Taking up space because we’re both cowards

Death and I

It really feels like overtime

But I don’t know what game we’re playing anymore

I want to be everything

I want to witness devotion

But,  from here

It’s only going to be from pretty fiction on my TV

In my games

You make me yearn

And, damn it all, if I didn’t understand Japanese I wouldn’t feel the nuance of the words so heavily

But, damn it all, if I didn’t understand Japanese I wouldn’t feel the nuance of the words so heavily

Curse my ever loving duality

And I’m blaming you,

I guess, you who I’m from, who created me,

The great being I can’t name nor fathom

The being who grew from such a tiny thing

Whatever we are

I’d tell you I’m lonely but we’ve been here before

You turn me out into a sea of faces

Overthrown by evil

And you know I can’t trust them

And it’s a stalemate again

Some heartache alongside heartache

Words I wanted to hear

Stories I wished were mine so I rewrote them

Why can’t he have three girlfriends?

I see no problem

And I wasn’t able to pick up on the structure but now I see it

I wish I hadn’t been taught to pry apart media

I’d trade any day

Remember when he used to take me away?

To go back to those dreams

Now it’s just Death’s door every night

I need to see something real

Something I can remember

I want to be by his side

Just in any capacity

But it’s not that type of situation

And the wishing

Had I never known of him all this pain wouldn’t exist

If it was just going to end like this why did it happen?

But I mustn’t let myself

Or I’ll yearn

And that’s wrong

In this circumstance

Of course

Reality doesn’t play out like the story

In the story the reincarnation wins

And I’m not even that

Some stranger who saw him on the street and fell in love more like

Hardly a main character

I mustn’t

I can’t

Why does the darkness always call it from me?

Like a piper drawing out mice

It slips past my defences

Why do you want it so badly?

Why do you take it?

Something

I never feel like I’m alone in my head

The face inside

Or something

Just out of my perception

Who was I saying I love you to?

When I woke up in the hospital

With a passion I’ve never been allowed to express

Who was it?

Who was with me in the dark, talking me through the drug induced nightmare?

Can I will them into being?

Some spirit?

Who are these spirits who come in my dreams?

Rather I think of impossible things that can’t get hurt if I think of them

These mysteries

The dreams

All my life I’ve had these vivid dreams

Meeting all these people who don’t exist

Living through them because life limited me

If I could remember them

I no longer remember them

Just find me love

Whatever you are

The skies have been disturbingly beautiful today

Can’t it be something like that?