Elucidating Questions

There is a cat in the next yard crying about something

And I can’t get to it

Now it’s gone silent

I’ve been holding on to its meows for a while now

Let’s hope silence just means they moved

Curse property laws

Always being stopped from doing anything

No way to hop the fence

Even if I wasn’t disabled

Okay I think I just heard them some other place

Hoping

Sometimes the trees that keep this yard private are in the way

Still confused about why I never heard the apple tree dropping apples before

Mysteries

Aliens would be interesting

But then we’d have to prove my theory or not

Fun to imagine

Uncertain it would be as fun in practise

The dreams are so choppy in daylight

It’s a concert now

The convention

Whose?

Old man, old woman

Door that only opens at night

Being

Same structure

My heart says terrifying things

I want to run away from here, but I can’t

I want to run away from him, but I can’t

And you, the spirit of something that tells me to keep going

I want to be able to do things

Being trapped in inability is so devastating

But your love is keeping me kind

The want to help is never gone

Are you somewhere out there?

Clouds blocking out the stars

I can’t see out into the emptiness

If I look to you now

What am I but a problem?

Human

To be human

It’s just kind of gross

Being a fleshy thing

There’s always a you in songs

And being living is gross

But can’t I be gross with someone?

Can’t there be a you that I’m just a disgusting human with?

The part of me that hurts when love stories happen

Can’t it be erased?

What a strange lesson

Don’t let your heart win

These disgusting needs that are completely human

It hurts from inside

Longs to find someone to trust

I wanted to trust

Silly things indeed

You know I can’t let go

Clinging to and running from the past

You’d think I like pain

A heart running full tilt into anything that will get it broken

I want to make it through this

But I can hear my heart beating

Thrashing

How dare you breathe life into me?

And now my heart is the drums

Can’t let anything go

Why am I still singing it back?

Foolish

Yes, dreams

Dreams where I go to live

What about them?

What are you trying to tell me?

Something

Bits and pieces

The maddening bits and pieces

Right where he wants

邪魔しちゃダメ

Yet you pluck the strings of the lyre

Sola

ね？

消えても構わないで

And my weak heart

I’m so lost in this space

I can’t stop moving

If I stopped now

And left all the ink to seep into the threads of the web

I have to

This is all I have

The heart wants

It reaches

Yearning

離せって言っても

離せ

Are my dreams going to be tumbling images of him again?

Do I have to hurt to feel better?

Time, Time

Running while laughing

I want to grab you and stop you

Can’t you wait for a moment?

All the gods’ children

You never let me catch my breath

Never telling me where we’re headed

Are you laughing at my speed again?

The words always match up

Now it’s listen to it

Listen to it, but don’t let it win

Be honest?

Honestly

I don’t know why I’m trapped by someone who doesn’t even see me

I do want to run away

Can’t I dream of you instead?

The speed of The Messenger

You know, if you’d just speak straight I wouldn’t always be so damn confused

Just keep breathing

In my castle of devices

I did imagine

Any number of rescuers

My diseases the dragon

But that was back then

Better never to picture things

Lest the reality distort them

My quiet wishes

They just fall all around like stars from the sky

Ah

I’m being told to go the fuck to bed

Another night

Another meeting with the something

How I wonder what you are

How I wonder what that makes me

Is there someone out there in the night waiting for me?

Not just in my mind, just out of my sight

Will anyone fight for me here?

Like I’m willing to fight

I don’t expect much

Rather, anything, right now

Is who I am worthy of the type of love that I seek?

There is a party going on

I can hear them enjoying

I wish to be there

When gatherings were for the entire village

Of course I wouldn’t have survived then

Born in the right time wrong timeline?

Who knows

Infinite possibilities in the darkness beyond the clouds

Minimal possibilities on the ground

I wish I could fly through the stars to a place more suited for me

Then everyone who knows me could just go on believing I was fine somewhere no matter what

Somewhere out in the stars

Far from these memories of what I’ve done

Hi says the dark thing

I have nothing to say to a trick of the darkness

I thought there was a meaning

Some kind of connection

But it’s just another fragment of this chaos inside me

It only feels like it’s outside because I don’t fit in this skin

Bleeding out into reality

My self

The things in the dark with me

How do you turn a light on inside yourself?

How do you illuminate the shadows that hang around just beyond your internal dialogue?

Lights are so temporary

How do I bring a star into my heart?

Light the doorways

The boxes and webs

I was willing to let one in once

But, see, I stand on the precipice

And willingness does not lead to anything

Will I be like him and still tortured inside?

What was he trying so hard to hide?

Let him be different

Those demons just lie and he’s free

Pour them into me

Fighting in the dark is my specialty

I dance with the demons all the time

There’s something in me that rises

From zero

And maybe it’s just a decimal point

0.01

That tiny existence contains me

I wonder what else I know that I don’t know I know?

It’s all such a mess, mixed up with my own wants and feelings

No sign came

So what now, I wonder?

His life is just beginning

I have a feeling mine ended

I’m just what’s left

Taking up space because we’re both cowards

Death and I

It really feels like overtime

But I don’t know what game we’re playing anymore

I want to be everything

I want to witness devotion

But,  from here

It’s only going to be from pretty fiction on my TV

In my games

You make me yearn

And, damn it all, if I didn’t understand Japanese I wouldn’t feel the nuance of the words so heavily

But, damn it all, if I didn’t understand Japanese I wouldn’t feel the nuance of the words so heavily

Curse my ever loving duality

And I’m blaming you,

I guess, you who I’m from, who created me,

The great being I can’t name nor fathom

The being who grew from such a tiny thing

Whatever we are

I’d tell you I’m lonely but we’ve been here before

You turn me out into a sea of faces

Overthrown by evil

And you know I can’t trust them

And it’s a stalemate again

Some heartache alongside heartache

Words I wanted to hear

Stories I wished were mine so I rewrote them

Why can’t he have three girlfriends?

I see no problem

And I wasn’t able to pick up on the structure but now I see it

I wish I hadn’t been taught to pry apart media

I’d trade any day

Remember when he used to take me away?

To go back to those dreams

Now it’s just Death’s door every night

I need to see something real

Something I can remember

I want to be by his side

Just in any capacity

But it’s not that type of situation

And the wishing

Had I never known of him all this pain wouldn’t exist

If it was just going to end like this why did it happen?

But I mustn’t let myself

Or I’ll yearn

And that’s wrong

In this circumstance

Of course

Reality doesn’t play out like the story

In the story the reincarnation wins

And I’m not even that

Some stranger who saw him on the street and fell in love more like

Hardly a main character

I mustn’t

I can’t

Why does the darkness always call it from me?

Like a piper drawing out mice

It slips past my defences

Why do you want it so badly?

Why do you take it?

Something

I never feel like I’m alone in my head

The face inside

Or something

Just out of my perception

Who was I saying I love you to?

When I woke up in the hospital

With a passion I’ve never been allowed to express

Who was it?

Who was with me in the dark, talking me through the drug induced nightmare?

Can I will them into being?

Some spirit?

Who are these spirits who come in my dreams?

Rather I think of impossible things that can’t get hurt if I think of them

These mysteries

The dreams

All my life I’ve had these vivid dreams

Meeting all these people who don’t exist

Living through them because life limited me

If I could remember them

I no longer remember them

Just find me love

Whatever you are

The skies have been disturbingly beautiful today

Can’t it be something like that?

I have been entertained today

Acquired a device that plays various games

Spent all day in nostalgia

Playing a game that my sister once bought because I liked a series of games so she liked it too

And wouldn’t let me play it

Well sometimes she would, others not

I never really got to enjoy it

And I had a moment just now

Sitting

Realising that I am recognising a dream of being in control of my space

Able to play what I want when I want

I finished very few games relative to how many I played as a young person

Minding the children always came first

Letting someone else have a turn always came first

So I played games I could walk away from instead

I stubbornly beat a few

But sitting there on my chair

Curled up playing my game without feeling self conscious that other people are watching me

No dad to ask in a condescending tone

Are you still playing that?

I’m free

But I feel like my ice castle all alone has run its course

I have had a decent day, besides the pain

But, it was manageable pain today

I found many treasures over my years and never completed them

The fact that I have time to now both excites and terrifies me

I don’t want my life to be some long run on gaming session

It feels good to take something back from my sister

As stupid and petty as that sounds

I gave up a lot over the years because I was constantly someone’s older sibling and never myself

Trying to seperate myself from her

I always felt like she was coming along to take things from me

Now it’s hard to say what was sibling issues on my side and when she actually was trying to take something from me

Because sometimes she was

But apparently young me gets a kick out of playing a game that she wouldn’t let me play when I wanted

Tiny liberations of the soul

Tiny deaths for other reasons

Are the sirens coming at the moment of it?

I swear I hear them

But I could be imagining it

My ears ringing filling in the silence between the sounds

How I am so many people and yet just me,

Confuses and troubles me

How they were all me but now they’re someone else who I carry with me in cracked memories

All me

But no longer

We share things

Some likes, dislikes

Further back memories

But they would not be me

And I am not them

We share that

That we are not eachother

And yet I have to treasure them, or no one else will

Which is a conundrum because I’ve always hated myself

And I wasn’t the best person, steeped in trauma my whole life

And, I guess, being a kid who didn’t know better

It’s hard to give myself graces I would eagerly lend another

I’ve always been searching for someone else to offer them to me

You know, like the teen love stories where they bring out the best in eachother

Watching things I watched as a kid, hoping for something like that

Knowing it’s too late

I 悩む

At least I have things to do

I’m not bored

Not much to say though

Though I guess I just said all that

Diving into the past

Somewhere he wasn’t I guess

But in this place where he isn’t, in the place where he either,

I wonder if I can finally rest some

That I was in enough pain last night to not write

To not go see Saturn

It’s the pits

My arm still hurts

By the time I went to bed I was groaning in pain

As the pain stretches on my endurance goes

The pain gets worse

Everything that hurts gets louder

My arm still hurts

Less than yesterday

Manageable pain

I can’t figure this thing out

First it was in my chest

That was fun

Then my right leg

Now my right arm

What is it?

I wonder

What is manifesting as this cruelty?

It hurts quite a bit still though

I’m just good at getting through it

There’s a morning dove convention in the tree next to the neighbour’s house

Or I guess it’s over now

That was a lot of doves

All flying over me

Did I just get low budget married?

Sorry we couldn’t afford white doves

Here’s some mourning doves

Or, if they’re mourning doves

Is it a funeral?

Who died?

Our Akita?

The smoke is thick again

I keep forgetting it’s morning

That was fun I didn’t think about how much it hurts for a moment

I mean, I did, but it wasn’t bad.

Sometimes I wonder if some of the pain is my brain just being bored and if I had something to do with people it wouldn’t be so bad

It’s not true, I know this from experience

I always just wonder if I’m making it up, just a little bit

‘Course then shit like this happens.

Not making it up

Real pain

If there is a world where I can exist without pain

Can I go there please?