Elucidating Questions

It’s my birthday

There’s really nothing to celebrate

I could say I got this far, but the world is in shambles

I am not discounting that I got this far

But the world being in shambles kind of overweighs that

35

Heh

And here I was not planning to make it to 18

Now I’m determined to squeeze every second of life I get out of this world

I don’t know what comes after but I’ll miss the Sun

The Moon, the Earth

I hate mysteries

Yeah I’m alive

But I want this world to live on for generations after me

And nothing seems to stop the machine just destroying her

I don’t want to have a good life that spites the children

I have to ask, why people just suffer

It broke me to suffer

I wish people would be less hateful

Just in general, but also myself

I need to try harder not to hate humanity and instead hate what humanity does

Though I can’t think away the fault of every person who just sits in place

But of course they have guns

It would all crumble in a few days if we all refused to give our souls to this society anymore

Who was it?

Marie Kondo

Tell me, does society spark joy with you?

Because it doesn’t with me

If it doesn’t serve you anymore

Let it go

Not talking about life, of course

Life is the most precious thing you have

And they’ve been taking them from us

That is the worst thing they could possibly do

They’ve been working us until raw and broken

Then they hang you out to dry

35 and every year shit gets worse

But I’m holding on anyways

Mother fuckers

Nah, you know, this is just me again

This is just me seeing myself who was forced to apologise for everything under the Sun including being disabled

I wish I didn’t see myself

I wish I was separated from people

Now I apologise for everything

And people get mad at me for apologising

When they’ve done nothing but demand them from me

The amount of apologies I’ve given versus what I was owed is incredibly skewed

So if you cause harm, regardless of intentions, you’re a bad person

Regardless of ability

I hate being forced to apologise for things I can’t control

Being depressed is one of them

People always going on about how your disability affects them

Oh you poor so and so

I want to slice my arms off but you poor thing having to see I’m struggling that must be so hard

I’m so sorry I am depressed

I’m not what I’m supposed to be so I owe apologies

Except the world predetermined for me what I’m supposed to be

Involuntary

Still my fault right?

Constantly apologising for being disabled because I can’t do things

Sorry I’m so weak

Sorry I’m so tired

Sorry I’m so sad

Like the fault is mine

That’s apologising right?

Accepting fault

You accept that you’re a problem and try to fix it

How do you fix disability?

How do you do better?

Can you even fucking apologise for something you can’t improve?

Doesn’t that just make it empty apologies?

I was told not to make empty apologies

How do you apologise for something you can’t control?

I have been thinking about the insanity of making people say “excuse me” when they burp when it’s just something that every single animal with a gag reflex does

Blame, right?

It’s all about blaming people for their things

Tics, depression, chronic illness, using mobility devices

Sorry my wheelchair is in the way dude no one else who is standing in the way of anyone else is apologising

Apologising for taking space you need

Apologising for existing

Do you know how many times I have apologised for existing

Reactive trauma

Apologise for your disability really did it

And someone said apologising isn’t shame

What is it then?

You all group up and demand apologies

My sister would full on hit me, I’d swat back, and have to apologise while she said nothing

She broke my fucking wrist and never had to apologise

People loom and demand it like a fucking mantra

Apologise, just apologise, say it like you mean it, apologise for real, no that apology wasn’t good enough, I want a better apology

That’s not shame?

Fuck this world full of people, who should be apologising daily for allowing this society to continue, demanding apologies from disabled people for things they can’t control

Instead of seeing this as a moment where we consider that our society poisoned people with terrible words and statements

I’ve heard some pretty gnarly things from the mouths of people with Tourette’s

We should be studying why our society is so nasty that these words, phrases, and statements just permeate the air

Why they exist so freely that minds can get stuck on them

We should be paying attention to how we speak, not how people who have no control over some things they say speak

We should acknowledge that it is because racism, animosity, aggression, hate, and any number of other negative aspects of our culture has, exist that people with Tourette’s mirror them

Our society is the one to hold a mirror up to, not the individuals who were negatively affected by it

It’s not the person with Tourette’s that’s the problem it’s the society that provides them with all the things they’re stuck with

We made those words exist

We pervaded them

I hate how this society points the finger at everyone but itself

It’s not the person with the tics who’s the problem it’s the society that gave them the tics

If we had a kinder society, there would be less toxicity floating around for people to pick up

Instead of seeing people as a problem

Focus on what made them a problem

Life sucks

And the part that makes me the most mad about it is that we made it suck

Here we are, all us crazy individuals, to cause problems amongst eachother with our differences and sameness but we don’t like it when you do it

Here we are, promised a finite moment in this Universe on one single floating diamond.

And we said, you know? It’s not awful enough

Let’s have credit scores, and rape, and paedophilia, and racism, and homophobia, let’s have forced labour, conditional acceptance, and let’s just fuck over disabled people

Make it so if you don’t provide our society with what we deemed, before your birth, you owed, you suffer endlessly

Not just petty arguments

We said, you know? I don’t think we kill eachother well enough let’s make it more lethal and less humane

Let’s grow globally, not by working together and making life worth living, but with guns and force and shame and slavery

And people then go and say things like “that’s how the world is” as if this was always destined

Unstoppable

Predetermined

Not as if we’re living in a world where the bad guys won over and over and over and then?

We discovered the people running the planet are a global paedophile ring and we do nothing

No strikes. To unwillingness to feed the beast of child rape

Just the same old same old

Jesus could actually be born again, front page news

And all these people would still go to work like it was just another day

They say I’m over emotional

I’m half convinced I’m a better version because all of you are walking around going about your day like child rapists don’t run the world

Fucking react to something for god’s sake

Would it take a nuke going off by your head?

Would it take that split second before your body is dust to make you react?

It’s not fine

Nothing is fine

I wish I was some holy being so I could see this and decide it’s not worth it

Reality was a mistake

Not because the Universe is inherently cruel but because humanity is

And all these “Christians” so obsessed with going to hell

I gesture wildly around and say “are we not there yet?”

As sirens now wail in the distance, no doubt going to yet another drug overdose by some poor person society forgot

Have we not arrived?

None of you do anything

You’re tortured daily and you like it

I’m not going to fall in line and calmly accept that life is hell

Because it shouldn’t be, and someone down the line may have a better life because I never shut up

Life is something we should cherish

But we don’t

Saying goodbye is always like breathing out and never breathing back in

Their scent, their voice, their smile, their presence

The air changes

It is never the same again

It always confounded me, the ability for the world around me to go on like nothing had happened

Everything from 9/11 to my sister dying

Seeing life continue was the old definition of queer

Man I wish that word hadn’t been ruined by homophobes, it has a different connotation than weird

It was queer like everything seemed slightly wrong

Like a nightmare come alive

Like, should people not be reacting?

And, granted, with my sister, no one else knew

My grief was simply so great it encapsulated the real world and turned it uncomfortable, and wrong

But I wish we took mourning seriously in this society

I wish we joined in mourning with people when elders died, when young people were lost

I wish it wasn’t at the most one brief mention in the paper

I wish we felt loss like a community

That we understood that every life graced upon this dirt was so precious that any life lost is worth mourning

Yes, even the ones who did terrible things

And I’ll tell you why

A life gone wrong is a life that caused disruption and pain in others

A life that has gone wrong is a mirror of the society that created the person that wanted to go wrong in the first place

We should mourn them

We created them

That is a life lost in a time before their death

It’s hard to watch others go through loss

I never feel like I have enough emotions

Not for lack of them

But if we all went through loss together, maybe we’d remember more people throughout history.

Maybe there wouldn’t be some billion billion lives lost to the sands of time because no one cared

I wish we cared about life

I wouldn’t mind if yesterday faded into the same obscurity of any other day the internet decided to play antagonist in my life

I don’t have enough energy for this shit

I’m not interested in people who can’t accept criticism of bad actions

Largely I’d like to remain in complete obscurity

There’s an artistic glint to how I’m on display and yet completely invisible

I’m not meant to be noticed

Anxiety is such a bitch

And I do things to put myself in anxious situations

I honestly don’t know how you do the silent observer thing, it’s

I just want to be left to my world

As fucked as it is

It’s a lot less fucked when other people aren’t in it

Expect silence after this there’s nothing to process beyond the occasional thing

I’m poor and in pain and traumatized and the world is fucked up

No amount of me telling my story is going to change that

Not right now anyway

That was it right?

Not letting other people write my story

But there’s no story to tell

I play video games all day constantly running from the existential boredom the reality of that creates

I don’t want to be visible

I want to fade into the void of the internet

Hoping I’m at least relevant enough that some AI will accidentally stumble upon my casual theft and commit casual theft

Not really

Fuck those things

It would be nice if someone knew me

But who knows

I wish I had a few less troubles beyond this dumb box though

My Dad is sick

There’s a whole bunch of emotions there that I’m not ready to think about yet

Having gone from estranged to living with him

Life is wild and terrifying

I wish it could be wild and beautiful instead

In the middle of no where

Just

Less than whatever the hell this is

Oof this headache is making words feel like concrete slabs

Back to disappearing into fantasy because reality is a bust

As the resident insane person,

I declare that today was insane

In the bad way

There are good ways to be insane, of course

Plenty of perfectly fine people have been completely insane

Insanity is not a measure of morality

Not that I’m claiming I’m one of the perfectly fine insane people or anything

Ugh, you’re really gonna make me deal with this aren’t you?

Curse my moral compass that always points just shy of right

Trying not to dread words that haven’t been said

Not like I haven’t been abused enough

Let’s just set off another insane person , this one has a hive mind!

The peculiar thing sets off a nest of hornets

Sorry me

I’m so close to 3600

Perhaps the Universe is demanding letters from me again

Oh, no, you stopped creating

That goes against the deal

The deal that totally doesn’t exist

Better create some mental anguish that isn’t your dad dying so you’ll write

You know maybe I’m not the peculiar thing, maybe you are

I’m the totally normal one in the situation

Yeah I couldn’t say that with a straight face either

I have so much more to worry about than a bunch of internet copy and pastes

Just try to sleep

Haha, of its own

How about this

If he’s not in my dreams tonight

I’ll wake up knowing I was wrong

If he is, it’s just another day in this crazy god damn Universe