Elucidating Questions

It’s funny

I remember him saying so clearly

One day you will fear me

And I told him that wouldn’t happen

Like a child

But it did

And it’s with a twist of regret

Because I felt such love there

And still do

I no longer feel jealousy when others face him

Even though I find myself disappearing into the night during the day

A remembered tone

A remembered moment

Twisted

It is twisted

I don’t know what caused it

I feel at home there

But I am so afraid of the process

So afraid of what my body can create to get there

I long to tell him it’s not him I’m afraid of but he is that so it’s not a thing you can separate

But I don’t feel resentment when the clock strikes the moment

Quiet love

Something I dare not call longing

Only to make me feel the more guilty I’m sure

These wiser than I’ll ever be

Older

Perhaps more tired

Faith is a strange creature

That it can come from nothing

I want to say thank you

For not laughing when I told you it would never happen

There are so many missteps that come with being alive

And I dwell on them

And I could be brave and go back and accept that I’ve done them

But the reactions of others scare me into inaction

How do I lead with compassion when this world terrifies me so much?

Constantly fighting because it affects somebody else

Maybe I should fight for me

It’s really ironic but so much of my anger probably comes from just how angry I am at myself

I’m not what I wanted

Not even close

When I was a teen, haphazardly wishing to be able to play video games all day

I obviously didn’t imagine what that entailed

Now it’s not that I’m able to play video games all day

But I can’t do anything else because I’m exhausted and in pain

I didn’t imagine this future when I imagined no future

And I know that if anyone had warned me that this was my future I would not be here

But now I’m here and my life has made me terrified of what dying is

I’ll cling to living as long as I can

Because the alternative is an unknown I am not willing to face

But I’m angry that I’m here

That this is my lot in life

That it won’t get better and that no one cares

I think it translates into anger at others

I should figure out how to quell this anger

It runs in my family

But it doesn’t belong in me

I don’t want to hurt people because I am hurting

How do I show compassion for a body that failed me?

Compassion for a person that has been called every terrible thing under the Sun?

But I want to show compassion before my gripes with this place

These people

It’s wrong to say something that would shape victims as at fault

It’s wrong to dismiss lives being lost

How to suspend my disappointment in the bulk of humanity so I can show compassion to the individuals

It’s something I’ll have to grapple with

I need to learn to lead with compassion.

Which is hard because this world is anything but compassionate towards me

But I have to

I need to stop leading with my pain

I need to stop that little voice in my head that thinks people should just suffer

It’s not right to think that way

They’re all just living

I can’t be corrupted by the fact that they don’t care

How can I summon it

I want to be a wellspring of love and compassion

I can’t lead with this cynical heart to do so

I don’t want to harm anyone

But I do because I’m hurting

And I know hurt people hurt people

But that’s not an excuse, it’s a reason

And I should do my best to combat it

Even if for my own sake of peace

I brood when I do something wrong

When I realise I’ve hurt someone

But that doesn’t fix it

Doesn’t prevent it from happening again

Gods give me strength to overcome my ineffectual brooding and actually solve the problem

I don’t want to be an angry person

I don’t want to interact with the world as an angry person

I wish I knew where to find it within myself

There are moments I have it and moments I don’t

It shouldn’t be so easy to dismiss people

I want to be able to know all the facts, know what caused what

And still see the aftermath as a tragedy

They whisper self compassion

How I want to call that a load of shit

But I’ve tried everything else

I don’t want to accept things like this

Nor have reasons shaped like blame

I don’t want to be what this world is turning me into

But I get so tired of being compassionate

And that’s wrong

It has to be for all

Darn obstacles

If I could erase the hurt inside me

I wish I would stop lashing out in ways tha

Humanity is so backwards

Going to space?

Sure they’ll try that

Hurtling themselves over terrain in metal boxes powered by fancy explosions?

Sure, why not?

Fly?

Yeah!

Feed the hungry and house the homeless

No

That’s too hard

We can create a machine that can spit out any knowledge it takes in

We can defeat plague and weather

Wage wars of billions of dollars and millions of people

We can build railroads and roads through mountains

Cities

But we can’t house people or feed them

Human beings are so creative they can create an uncanny likeness of a person in pencil

Paint colours that actually look like a place or creature

They invented medicine

But then couldn’t figure out how to get that medicine to all the people that need it

For what fucking reason did you create a cure and then sit atop it like a smarmy Fae and say

Just sign on the dotted line

So creative

So inventive

But can’t figure out how to take care of each other?

Can’t figure out that a hungry stomach creates a desperate monster?

Can’t figure out that sitting out in the rain overnight surrounded by shelter creates an anger you cannot speak?

Can’t figure out the difference between a hungry person who turns to drugs to just make the pain go away

And a billionaire who decided to give himself a raise with his peons’ labour

Even thinks the billionaire is more deserving than the hungry person

They did drugs, you know, and for some reason, without it ever appearing in scripture, because humans like their drugs,

It is morally reprehensible to do them and the punishment can include death, we’re fine with that

But not alcohol, or caffeine, and sometimes marijuana but sometimes not

Because “the law” “is just” right?

I have trouble seeing people who don’t see people as human

I struggle sometimes with thinking everyone should just suffer

But if a person says they are suffering I cannot ignore it

Not like these people around me

It is a failure of humanity that we went to the Moon before every belly was filled, body housed

We defiled her surface with our greed

Our mere presence

To think we were worthy of space flight while people went hungry

That we deserve to see other worlds when we cannot even love our own

“Making generalizations is fine

When we do it

Because we know better than you”

Because you’re smarter?

What exactly makes you superior?

And struggling with my little bits that I already hate

That I already know are wrong because I wear symptoms like accessories

But no, they’re, in fact, worse than wrong

Why is it okay to paint everyone with the same brush?

Any everyone

Wrong wrong wrong they told me all my life

Stereotypes

Caricatures

Everywhere

Gross

I heard the few calls not to do it

Apparently everyone else did not

You can’t know everything about any “group” of people

Doesn’t matter how bad they are

Humans are not conglomerous

And even if similarities between individuals exist

There’s still enough about them to be their own thing

I highly doubt anyone, even an autistic person who completes the exact same tasks every day can be boiled down to hype words

It’s the same thing that disarms me every time a breach the barriers of communication

In fact it’s that same thing that makes humans so terrifying

The face you see

The face inside

The face they show only the gods and the spirits

It can all be working separated from one another

Intricate tapestries, these humans

Tapestries they all be

But can you generalise a tapestry?

Oh yes it has your general tapestry stuff

Childhood, adulthood, love, pain, strife, joy

But once you get down to the colours they’re all different

How do you say one’s attributes belong to something or something else?

Messy bits may be messy

You can’t say all messiness is something

Is caused by the same things

And I’m so sick of superiority

Oh we’re the best because we happened to be born here instead of there

With this skin colour instead of that one

Because we claim ownership of this land we actually cannot own because the Earth wasn’t selling it

Carving up her body like prized meat and announcing one cut is better than the others

Can you all just fucking shut up your delusion for one god damn moment and realise we are on a fancy dirt rock in space

There’s plenty here to take care of each of us, more room than we could ever ask for, and the weather (used to) generally doesn’t want to kill us!

But you’re all fucking standing here fighting over who’s more special

Considering none of you can see the perfection of this space and the beauty of her creatures I’m pretty sure you’re the wrong kind of special

You’re the kind of special like a deadly disease that wipes out a species

I’m starting to wonder if humanity wasn’t the Earth’s suicide

Maybe we are supposed to tear each other and her apart over superficial bullshit

I wish we were here to love her, and show her why she should shine in space for millennia more

You’re in my head suddenly

What are you doing there?

I don’t even know the words to the song in my head

Just the cadence of your voice

Muffled words that fit the rhythm but have no meaning

Strangers, start to finish

Not even an honourable mention

Thought I’d banned you from this space

What are you doing?

Leaking into between my ears in remembered pieces

Slowly reforming into the sound of you

I was reaching for a different sound, I swear

I dare not even trod into the tune of yesterday

My principals have separated me from music

The tune I hear is out of reach

Casual theft, perhaps?

Haven’t done that in a while

Your honour I had no choice because Spotify has no honour.

It’s okay my dear sister got these for me

It’s funny because I see nothing

Nothing but ruin and the disappointment of the gods

And it’s half crazy, because around me is a functioning heh

On the surface

City

Your voice is still

It’s still everything

How unfair

I live like the future is now

But no one else around me is reacting to the carnage

But to them it’s business as usual

It took nothing to see the underbelly

No effort

But they walk around oblivious

And I’m just stuck to dreaming

There’s so much more there

Even without remembering I know

But the phantom

Even without remembering I know he held on to me

It’s so much more than being awake

I thought I got out too

What the hell am I doing here?

My heart ever the lyre

Playing me melodies

I know this is as good as it’s going to get for me

Frankly, you’re not allowed here

Into my mind like a light

How dare you still be light

I don’t want to be mad that you exist

You walking beacon of everything I disagree with on this planet

Excess for excess sake singing about nothing like the hook

It’s really not worth it, the up and then the down

I’d rather be sold something by someone who is open that they’re selling me something

Music has become complacency with a rhythm

Nothing means anything

I’d rather the truth

What to do when dreaming is all that’s really left? I’ll live another day for one more dream of you

The imaginary warmth is less cold than nothing