Elucidating Questions

I’m so tired of being “better”

I want to tell these people I hope they choke on air

I want to tell them I hope they suffer worse than anyone they’ve ever invalidated or hurt

I want these people who sanctioned the deaths of thousands of people to go through every moment of despair they put anyone else through

I am tired of Justice and fairness and humanity

I want to be like them and let them know if they died I’d be dancing on their graves

I’m so sick of meeting them with humanity

I want to tell them they are just as much nothing people as anyone else

Not special

Not the main character

Just no one and nothing like everyone else

Propped up by Circumstance

I want to tell ableist people I hope they become more disabled than they could imagine and suffer every bit of ableism they excused or caused

I want to tell people who stalk trans people online that I hope they sink into a depression so bad they take their own lives so I can laugh at them

But it doesn’t help, does it?

The anger, the hate

The want to equalize with violence and suffering

It serves nothing and no one

Even if they are the ones who created the hate in me

I shouldn’t give them that much power

To create within me

But when the anger fizzles away

When I reclaim my insides and banish the fury to the darkest corners

Sadness is left

And disappointment

This world is so much worse than anything I could have imagined

Every day I learn, against my will, of some new depravity humanity cooked up

Throughout history and modern day

So much so that even with all my disgust I cannot be surprised by the awful things people do

How do I not come to hate them?

Knowing what these people I’m allegedly related to do

It only makes me feel less human

I don’t see myself in them

I don’t see myself in the behaviour or emotions of these creatures

I feel foreign

Alien

To these beings

Why are so many of them evil?

I wish I could rectify

This feeling of being an other

Why am I a watcher?

Why am I observing these strange people?

I wish this place was more simple

I wish that anger would fix the problem

How I wish he’d gotten in and taken a shot right through that fat ogre’s skull

Won’t someone take the poison from me

I may not quake the Earth

But I feel the tremors

As long as you don’t give up

That’s what matters

You fall down as many times as you do

Getting back up only proves you have something in you worth fighting for

And growth?

As long as it comes it doesn’t matter how much you have to fight for it

Because you keep fighting for it

Each low feels like a new low

But it’s only because you reached far enough out of the hole to fall back in

Sometimes this world doesn’t feel worth fighting for

Not because she isn’t, but because they aren’t

Beautiful bead in the ocean of night

Illuminated by a single flame

If we simplified it may be easier to see reason

But it’s all irrelevant

Every day you wake up is one more day you didn’t give up

Even if you spent it in bed

You still faced the darkness and said, No, one more day

Thank you for taking the easiest course of action

Which is inaction in this case

It’s a lot harder to die than they think it is

It’s also a lot easier

Living in the face of suicide is one of the only fights that requires you to do nothing

I’ll tell you now how hard that nothing is

Sometimes it feels as empty as the act itself

But it also takes a certain kind of strength to keep on going in spite of it

A strength some people will never know

They think we’re weak, but I guarantee if they switch brains with any of us they wouldn’t last a day

If your act of resistance is simply not dying, I see you

If your act of resistance is being a problem to those who want to destroy this planet, I see you

No matter how many times you have to face down the Nothing and claw your way back again

Getting up just proves you have a strength no one will ever truly comprehend

Why does everything have to be the “best” it can be?

Best being subjective and we have a serious problem with thinking because we’re “living in modern times” that our way is the “best” way

Like some things you want to be the best it can be

Medical care, nutrition, water rights, what have you

But what if those “bests” are attained through moderation?

When you seek to be the best at something

It’s not long before your desperation will allow you to do unspeakable things to attain that “bestness”

Why can’t we settle for middling things

Acceptable houses, acceptable buildings

Things that stand and do their jobs

They can be beautiful but why are we creating completely inaccessible buildings just so architects can aim for “best” (which apparently means your building has to look nothing like a building half the time)

Why does beauty have to be a competition?

Why can’t things just be beautiful?

Everything for that “best” position

It’s the competition aspect of this world that really puts me off of it

What’s wrong with adequate?

Sure we could regrow a limb and sew it back on

What ethics are you willing to throw out the window to learn how?

Sometimes humanity’s constant quest for greater, better, stronger, more powerful

Feels like it will be both its undoing and its legacy

Couldn’t accept good enough

Consuming everything for the sake of it

Beautiful, but much less, clothing

Why do we need thousands of clothing companies?

Billions of options which change every season?

Who cares if you’re wearing the same clothes as someone else?

Why can’t that be seen as having similar interests?

Why do you need 70 outfits?

Who cares if you wear the same outfit twice?

Why can’t you have a week’s worth of clothing and just curate your look?

Seven days of clothing is already seven times more outfits than most anime characters have

Why do you need more?

Anime characters deserve more clothing

Free the laundry

Anyways

It just seems like if things are working, why do they need to be “better”

If you have enough why do you need more?

People tell me to settle for less all the time

They tell me to live with what I have and be happy with it

I don’t want to bring people down to my level

I want to equalize us out so we’re all getting enough and finding joy in moments and places and activities again

Without being simultaneously terrified of whatever boogeyman of capitalism is haunting us that week

Humanity is so off balance it’s about to topple over and I’m not ready for what comes next

The more I live the more souls are sacrificed to the gods of war

In this ballooning quest for greatness, and being the best

There is no light in the sky signifying the return of any children of the gods to help us defeat ourselves

Though the Wind and Ocean swirl and churn

Will their efforts help anything?

Sometimes I hear the rage that is in the Wind

I saw the Ocean’s rage when I crossed her the other day

I may only know my own but she was dark, and she was holding fury beyond measure

I wonder

Was Gaia aiming for greatness when she sprang Life from her loins?

Was Saturn aiming for the best when he captured the first rock in his collection?

Was The Great Red Spot Jupiter’s claim to perfection?

Did Pluto strive for the biggest heart in the solar system?

I do not believe that “greatness” is manufactured

I believe it is attained when we as humanity work together to make our lives better

When we nourish the abundance on this planet and nurture the life around us to its most contented, most cared for

You can not be the best by having more, using more, taking more

Nor by claiming to be the best without the health and prosperity of the planet to back you up

Humanity will never be the best until it stops treating this planet and the things living on it as commodities to be amassed

Stops treating others as part of the competition

Stops acting like there’s a pinnacle of consumption to reach

And stops demanding greatness from things that don’t need to have it

They tricked us, you know

All the influential people in history

They preached things like “less is more”

“you have to suffer to be rewarded in death”

Telling everyone beneath them to accept their lot in life

Teaching things like “it’s okay to feel unfulfilled” and “we all question our reason for living”

When they don’t, didn’t, don’t, and didn’t

Forever teaching that pain and suffering are a promise of life

Conflict, is a promise of life

But it doesn’t have to lead to suffering

We made it that way

Life doesn’t have to be like this, and yet we cling to the niceties of men and women who live like royalty

Who have no problems that aren’t self made

People who have so much they would not want for 50 life times

We encourage them to take more and then drag others down when they ask for more

We now live in a world of extortionists and exploiters

There weren’t enough angry people with cause

There weren’t enough people thinking about the children in this world

There weren’t enough people who cared about our planet

I ask how that is possible, while there are 8 billion of us

Is such a small percentage of humanity truly worthy of this world?

Apathy, rage, pain, and joy

Those were the cards shown to me yesterday

I can argue whether it’s apathy or fear but that’s what I’ve got

It’s my fear that if I walk out that door as a one person protest the world would watch

Not join in

I wonder if I’m writing the last testament of humanity

Some other being will find it some day and see what our twilight years as a species were like

Brutal, heartless, apathetic to our dying planet

I wish this was a turning point

A point where the common person stopped accepting struggle as a promise of the Universe

Where we stopped making excuses for the suffering of others

I don’t want to suffer for the pleasure of billionaires anymore.

I didn’t want to when they were just millionaires and then we let them horde 1,000 more

I need to stay off of Facebook

I can’t take this rising tide

And the bigoted stuff that gets on my feed is just…

You want to think they’re all Epstein parasite class bots, but it’s disheartening to see thousands of people calling for your non-existence

And the rate at which the populace consumes propaganda is astounding

Hate organised by a paedophile

To point the finger at us

And I don’t know how anyone feels safe knowing bombs were dropped by our ally and our prime minister stood by it

You could say that a war thousands of kilometres away shouldn’t involve us

We’re citizens

Tell that to over a thousand Iranians

Including school children

And Israel acts with impunity in the name of a god who wouldn’t look twice at them because they couldn’t even keep the Ten Commandments

It sucks knowing what the damn rules are because I was told them and I always remember rules

I don’t know or even want to know if the Abrahamic god is real

I just know if they were, they’d be disgusted with us

Gave us a beautiful garden even though we broke the rules in theirs

Gave us the ability to learn anything and communicate freely

And we did this

I can’t see any Abrahamic god being happy with us

I know my own gods watch through their fingers

And wonder what the fuck we are doing

They have no laws, but they do have decency, and an understanding I will never understand

This is all so wrong

And everyone is just acting like it’s business as usual

When we’ve all got a target on our backs for being complicit in the second genocide by the Israeli government.

Being mentally ill does not invalidate a person

Being insane is not a sign of morality

These things are merely what tags on to a person through life

Can insane people be dangerous?

Absolutely, but we created that danger ourselves

And I’m sick of seeing people act as if because you’re mentally ill your opinion doesn’t matter

Like you can’t have sane thoughts

Like it’s impossible to be right and having a meltdown

Or a panic attack

Like it’s impossible to trust a person who is mentally ill

Like things they say about their own experiences must contain some measure of a lie or misrepresentation

If I discredited the allegedly sane based on how many allegedly sane have mistreated me, or lied, or what have you

It’d be the sane I’d vote for locking up

I’ve been mistreated by some insane people, and some mentally ill people

The allegedly sane take the cake

That’s how we got to where we are, right?

Following the allegedly sane people

And every once in a while we’d look back and go oh that one was insane, that explains everything

While conveniently ignoring all the allegedly sane people who committed monstrosities

No, that’s fine, they were sane

???

Meanwhile the allegedly sane march us to our doom

No one thinks maybe it’s time we listened to people we discounted for thousands of years

Collectively?

I bet us insane people have a better grip on what’s going on in the world than the allegedly sane do

People don’t seem to understand that mental health is a mirror of society

How it affects those of us who feel too much

I had this idea for a book where there was a logical race and a feeling race and the logical race had like subjugated and oppressed the feeling race

Different story, different setting

A little too close to home

Being mentally ill doesn’t change that there is a human being standing there

When they tell you their experiences, believe them

They probably demonized the mentally ill throughout the ages because their position on society was inconvenient

Dissenters were probably locked up and erased that way

They still are but in different ways

I’ll bet you that mentally ill angry guy on the street corner knows how this society works better than anyone housed and allegedly sane

And that the anger is not only warranted,

It’s self defense