Elucidating Questions

I don’t know what to write

I feel like my story is done

No more work

No more love interests

No more believing in the better good of the world

Who wants to hear from me every day that I’m just in pain and coasting?

Like shit sucks, stuffs getting worse, everyone is asking “what will someone do” and not “what can I do”

And it almost feels like another cosmic joke

The hell I would be starting if I wasn’t glued to my chair

(my new chair by the way my go fund me actually worked and I’m astonished and so grateful)

Tiny lights in a cosmos of darkness

It’s hard to be excited over something as mundane as a new chair when the world is in chaos.

It’s all one big right wing silent coup

There is no left

There’s the alt right, the right, and the right of centre

People still think that their representatives are going to save them

It’s sad that this now applies to my country too

I really wish the US had kept its swamp to itself

It’s sad that lives hang in the balance and no one cares about them

I want to wake up in a world where no person who wants others to suffer for their benefit ever smiled again

I’d take one for the team to see it happen

It would have to backfire like that

Truly it is those without a voice who should lead us forward

I’m well aware I’m stained beyond repair

But I know there are those who bleed love for this world

I wish they could wake up tomorrow in a kinder world than the one they fell asleep to

I know the difference in my politics and those who disagree is that I want care for all and they want to revel in the pain of others

They want to benefit in some way from someone being beneath them

I wish I was still able to hope for a world where even those who exploit could see happiness

I have been dirtied by the mud that is humanity

I don’t know how to be a good person

I’m struggling so much just too survive

I don’t even know who I am

Who I want to be

I dare not imagine a me

Better than now

Because no matter how much I try I’m just back at square one

I hate board games

And how am I supposed to put out good things?

I have no love to croon about to pasteurize the populace

No wholesome relationships to tell about

Every task feels like a cruelty

Like why am I being asked to blindly believe in good and positive things when my environment is not what I wanted, asked for, or need?

When I have no employment to keep me entertained?

When nothing is what I meant and everything is just me not understanding how I’m supposed to be

Never right enough

Or just wrong

I feel like I already screwed up so much in my life

But it was always me being forced to take on environments that I couldn’t handle or didn’t want

Why am I supposed to blame a child who didn’t understand what I do now for not being told how to do things properly

Failure thrown in my face daily for it

I don’t know why for me everything is a choice but other people get to behave however they want

I just want to be somewhere I’m safe

I don’t know why I’m being expected to learn to love a world that doesn’t love me

In the moments I did love everyone and everything I was so bitterly alone it’s comical

It feels like everything around me got to traumatise me into this person

When the little voice inside just wants peace

Do I keep pretending that it’s fair to demand positivity from me when I’ve seen so much negative

This time last year I believed I deserved as much as anyone else.

Now I don’t

And I’m angry about it

And it’s overflowing into my life

I don’t want the rage

I want to be free

I wish I could make words say what I want them to say

They always take shape into something else in the minds of others

If I could just be to the point

If what I said could matter

I’m terrified

Terrified words will be my undoing

When at my core I just want there to be less anger around

I tend to inspire it in people

I don’t want violence to be an answer for anything and yet

I have moments when I forget it

I should be trying to put what I want into the world

You make it so hard though

You really do

Peace, comfort, and happiness

Three things I don’t even know if I believe in anymore

And words are so dangerous

They tell people what you’re thinking

And I’m sorry I can’t be a person who thinks one thing and says another

The reality of how many people can is what terrifies me so much

How am I supposed to feel safe in a world of people who can kill second-hand and not feel guilt?

And battling with myself and what humanity is

Every being deserving of life

Let’s not care instead

You never know the circumstances anyways

Nothing is what it seems to be

Except me and no one will accept me as such

I don’t know how to walk this world with words that could mean death

Too much free will

Why can’t you trust anyone to not kill?

I wish it was possible for me to know the horrors of this world and still be kind

I wish I could turn the rage in my stomach to something productive to make changes

Instead of lying like a lost sickly wife of some aristocrat

Except now I wonder if it wasn’t the weight of the world that bound them as well

Maybe all those tales of ladies by the shore

Maybe they were what this looked like before

And, naturally, we paint them in a light of weakness

Not in one of disability

These crossed wires of pain

I’ve felt pain

I don’t wish it on any other

Unless I’m trapped in a moment of rage

And then all bets and humanity are out the window

I made up a fun crashed idiom last night

Wanting to add your two cents to the fire

Isn’t that what the internet is like?

No matter what it is

They all just want to add their two cents to the fire

I wish there didn’t have to be a fire

I wish change didn’t take violence

That we could all be taught to value one another

It’s so hard when you see reality though

The truths of what human beings enjoy doing to each other

I wish there wasn’t so much rage weighing this planet down

It’s a wonder she moves through space

Love should have been taught first

And I don’t understand why anyone wants to continue the survival game we’re all stuck in

Acting like amassing coin and not helping others is okay

I’m so confused it enrages me further

This world terrifies me

I’m not even sure I could go out and feel safe anywhere

Life is so hard and so many people are dead set on making it harder

I wish I could be kind in the face of all of that

I wish I had the capacity to maintain my humanity

I’m terrified of this place

Fear and rage are twins

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong

Because you keep muttering angrily under your breath and I have hearing problems

I don’t know what I’ve forgotten

Because I have severe memory problems and I don’t know what you’re muttering about

And you haven’t volunteered to help

You haven’t noticed that I’ve missed something and asked if you can help me

Instead you’re slamming things and muttering except for the word “stinks” and I don’t know what you want from me

Or why you won’t help me

Instead you bad mouth me at a volume I can’t quite make out to your friends on the internet

And slam cupboards

And piss and moan

Do you think I’m enjoying this?

Being stuck in a chair I can’t get comfortable on, heart rate at 100

Men just terrify me

Because I don’t know what to do

I am struggling so much right now

I’m trying to remember everything

Is he going to hurt me?

Is my not knowing going to turn into him hurting me?

Like all men do when I’m alone and vulnerable?

Just haven’t managed to find any good m&ms in this bowl you see

I don’t know what to do

Why am I a target?

Why do I have this terrible power to turn people into monsters that want to hurt me?

I feel so unwanted

Even though I’m trying my best

This is why it was better to live alone

This is why I needed my own place

If this is some sick exercise to whip me into shape and capable of managing a house

Why is this happening?

Why is my life happening like this?

Why is it that no matter what I do I’m below expectations

Why am I not good enough for this world?

We all walk this Earth with numbered days

Denying yet enforcing our need to live

I believe it is a mirror to look into

The face of Death

Those who think they are safe, while denying the humanity of others

The one truth that we are all children of this planet

Along with her other creatures

I do not think the Universe wept when forces aligned to remove that stain from this unfortunate mortal coil

I should think the ferryman had a good time with that one

And Hermes’ cry

Violence indeed

To be silenced like you tried to silence others, permanently

These seedy swindlers of language

Coopting words that were born to understand eachother to create disconnect

And discontent

We cheer when Nazis die in this family

We say a prayer to the carrier of souls

Perhaps finally a soul he was waiting for and not another child of bone

Who knows

I do not pretend to know

Violence

Yes, like children being ripped apart

That’s violence

It’s not my fault some people talk themselves into a bullet through their throat

It’s not the children’s fault the adults aim at them

But, imagine, being told you or any other group of people is not human

I’m not about to pull any triggers

Though I’d pull a couple

Maybe the assassin in my heart can do it for me

Murder and assassination

Why is some schmuck’s murder being called an assassination

I’ll bet you more children died today in horrible ways than Nazis

To me that needs to be rectified.

I hope he fell into the river and his soul withered away into nothing

You’d think people who spent their whole lives pissing off the Universe would be more afraid of what death would be like

People who paint targets on minorities should have to fear for their lives

Why is it that you can just go around inciting violence against people with no repercussions?

So much so that they call large gatherings upon which to further dehumanize and call for the harm of people for things they can’t control, like being different

You choose what words you put out into the world

Is it not karmic retribution to have the things you said come back on to you?

We need some gun deaths, for the sake of that precious amendment of yours

That’s what he said, so,

What an honor to become one of the lottery of chosen ones

Just instead of stones it’s precision with tiny metal pieces

This is the one time that the phrase “you get what you put into life” will make me smile