Elucidating Questions

There’s a couple of people who like my work that I recognise from far back

And I’ll always feel this deep appreciation for them

That they’ve stuck around with me this far

I’m cranky

I’m irrational

I’m depressing

I’m constantly fighting something

But some of these pararelationships are longer than my current ones

That you stuck around long enough for me to get to wherever the hell I am now

This road I’m following that just seems like some endless highway to nowhere

I struggle more with life than most people do

I can’t shelve that there are genocides occuring while I live, or that homeless people exist, or that disabled people are left behind, or that they’re trying to eradicate trans people

And some of those things are more personal than others, but when I know there’s suffering I can’t do whatever everyone else does and just pretend it doesn’t exist because it’s over there

The curse of this hyper awareness is I’m in shambles mentally because I can’t comprehend how everyone just sits around and doesn’t do anything

If I had the ability, the means?

I’d be campaigning

And it’s so frustrating to sit here trapped inside my body doing nothing

And meanwhile the world just goes on marching itself into oblivion

But it’s reassuring to know I have some people who have stuck by

Some since the psychosis 

I don’t even know what I wrote back then so they have seen some things, I’m sure

It feels surreal sometimes to think that I was sitting in a park, living in a home that felt like a hotel to me, going absolutely insane

And I’m still sitting here, though somewhere else

Though not where I would have thought I would be

So many times I wanted to give up

So many times I tried

Yet, here I am, still writing this thing.

Can’t say if it was worth it, frankly

But I’m still here

And so are some people from the beginning

I appreciate that

My domain is probably gone and none of the links work, but, who cares

Soon anyways

But, like, what’s there to write about?

Still can’t find a job

Bored as hell

Everything is either on fire literally or metaphorically

No increase for PWD again this year

My income this year is probably going to be 20k

Be grateful for it

And meanwhile there’s just kids starving to death

Like every time I think about eating I’m like there is a child dying right now

Children

Thousands

And the US slips further into fascism

And Canada reactionarily becomes more nationalistic

Fuck

It’s like watching dominos

And we’re going to just continue living like this and destroying the planet while we do it

Chaos and madness in the worst way

It’s like they’re all in a psychosis that everything is fine

And my second psychosis broke the first psychosis

Like maybe people who “are insane” are just being driven that way by society

And if they came out the other side they’d be as freaked out as me

Nah

Billions of circumstances

Though the former statement may be true

Maybe society is a psychosis of its own

Watching people driving by

People should be in the streets demanding better but they’re going to work anyways because they don’t think..

Well there’s no group mind is there?

No proof that others want to rebel besides everyone being angry all the time and taking it out on eachother instead of the people causing the pain f

Frankly every politician should have everything they own burned and he forced to live on the street for a few years

Feed the rich to all the poor lions and tigers who’ve been forced to be born or moved to North America and lived in squalor.

I have no empathy for people who have, with pen marks and meetings, killed and or impoverished millions

Billions

Fuck Jesus, just a little bit

Because you can’t just put up with these people or they do exactly what they’re doing now

I don’t know who’s crazier

The people causing the turmoil, or the people living within it saying everything is fine

It’s really hard to say

The prevailing issue in this society is that only people who produce something are worthy of life

If we didn’t believe that at the core of our beings we’d make a system that worked for everyone and not just those who fall in line or lie their way to the top

I really don’t know if it’s salvageable if nothing changes soon

I don’t know if I want to see a future like the one that I foresee

Please tell me how to believe in these apathetic creatures?

They hold the fate of this Earth and her children so callously in their hands

If only we could break this generational curse of destruction and greed

If only we could get past this wall

I don’t express my needs

I write them

But they rarely leave my mouth

And when there is another person I default to their needs over mine

I complain when I’m hungry but won’t eat because I have to do things for someone else

I don’t express the actual need

“I’m hungry”

Is not

“I need to eat”

I diplomatically request people eventually let me fulfill my needs

And, I mean, really, what’s the point in expressing needs you can’t afford?

It just makes people think you’re guilting them

When you say you need something they have but you don’t

I’ve had people blow up at me for “acting like I wanted money” from them

When I was doing no such thing

Merely expressing my lack of resources

My frustrations

Someone said on Facebook that he looked at my profile and I was applying to jobs I can’t do as an excuse not to work

An excuse?

To live on $1300 a month?

When rent is $2000+ and I am forced to live with my father and absolute freak of a brother?

Are you daft?

Here I am having mental break downs outside of malls over job opportunities being taken away from me

And some halfcock has the audacity to tell me I want it this way

I am, in some form, a masochist

This is a fact

I self harm, I don’t take care of myself as a punishment

I’m not that type of masochist

I wanted to be a successful member of society even though I hated it

I wish I hadn’t pushed myself for minimum wage jobs

The initial injury that triggered the fibromyalgia

And then pushing through the worst pain and suffering to keep up with these jobs’ demands

Only to be stopped dead by the ME

So many days wasted

So much pushing through being barely conscious for nothing

That repetition of work, recover, work, recover

So many hours wasted recovering from jobs that would never remember me

Where I’d be a whisper in a week

So many needs not spoken

Perhaps my brain is on fire because so many words never made their way out

It’s not worth it, selling your soul to make money

How can I communicate needs that can’t be filled without someone else’s understanding and help?

When there’s people out there who think I want to make $1300 month.

That’s $943USD for anyone wondering

That I want this

It’s a good thing I don’t have the power to curse people

I feel like ableism should be punished by

My website’s going to be delisted

It’s so funny

It’s so funny because when I paid for the year I had this outlook

I was going to be doing better, work was going to be better

In my home

When the time to pay up came around I’d have support to do so

Instead I have no job

I’m living in my teenhood home

No money for anything extra

Still buying things so I have a will to live

Now with the added stress of being unemployable because I’m disabled

16 years of experience means nothing when you have a walker

It means nothing

16 years of experience means nothing when you can only work 16 hours a week

Oh please

I just want a job so I can keep my stupid writings afloat

Just go back to the WordPress domain I guess

See launching the website and the Facebook page was supposed to do something

It’s so weird being destined to be invisible

Seeing other people be noticed is almost like a punishment

And the worst part is I know if the internet at large found this thing they’d tear me apart but

But the story of a poor, disabled, queer, trans, person who has so many mental health issues I basically have a league

That story hasn’t been told no matter how raw and depressing and sometimes stupid it gets

The point was, when I died, my story would be written, by me, so no one could say otherwise

It’s more like a pillow I scream into now

Causing no waves whatsoever

But I always had so many plans

I suppose I expected more

I should know better than to expect

Why is it that every year is beyond my wildest dreams in the worst way?

I wish my dreams were reality

All the adventure and the magic and the traveling and the friends

Every time I dream in reality it goes wrong

Why don’t people fight to enjoy life?

Why does it have to be suffering?

Why does humanity choose suffering?

I wish I had a job so I could pretend everything is fine too

Take my scraps and be happy

It’s not possible for every person on this planet to have money

Even if the billions squandered away were released into the pool

Even though there is enough manpower and there is enough food and water on this planet, if we worked together, to take care of all

We purposely limit our own human resources with profit and gain

How many brilliant people have come and gone without using a whisper of their talent because the world wasn’t built for them or because money got in the way?

We are bottlenecking our own potential and progress because $

Because $

Seriously?

Who made money?

It wasn’t the poor, right? It was people with resources and land and power

Why did anyone ever trust those people to be in the best interest of the common folk?

This world astounds me

Humanity is the embodiment of The Fool

Stupid as hell and going on a journey

I don’t know why people don’t feel responsibility for humanity

Like why a person sees a “wild” (read: feral) pidgeon and thinks “pest” instead of “the people here before me abandoned this creature and I have a responsibility to keep it happy”

Why don’t people see the sins of humanity, it’s actual sins

Genocide

Pointless wars

Human testing and experimentation

Cannibalism when we knew better

Child abuse

Poverty being part of the plan

How we leave behind disabled people

Racism

Sexism

Homophobia, transphobia

Phobia and hatred towards others who simply were different

And think “I must be a part of making this better, for everyone”

Why don’t they feel that responsibility?

Why don’t they think it’s their responsibility to know how the world we live in treats different people?

And people who are different?

Why don’t they see things like police violence and think they need to be a voice against that in their community?

Obviously some people do

But, you know, this looking majority of people who can’t even be arsed to feel responsible for their own communities

It’s like they simply believe that this world will exist around them in good condition without any work put in to maintain it

We simply let our governments close doors and make deals that sealed our fates without our say so

Gave a couple hundred people the power to control millions

Just so you know, in my country .000012 of the population (that’s members and Senate) runs the fed

Why did we do that?

You had people in Greece clamoring for a place at the Assembly

Or whatever it was called

Democracy is well dead

We’re in that transition period

If we don’t fill it with something

The rich and the powerful will

The reason they keep playing this sides game is so they can win over whichever side has the most guns and best favour so they can have an army without having to pay for it

It doesn’t matter which side

No politician is in it for the people

The only way you can be successful in that world is through deceit

You can’t trust a single one of them

So what do we want instead?

Since apparently the vast majority of people can’t be bothered with helping the world continue

Content to cruise through life as long as they have what they need

If I was being honest it may not even be the rich people who are the worst

It may be the people who just bend over and accept whatever happens to anyone else and plays their part every day without making any noise

Because there are not enough rich fucks and politicians for them to control all of us without their complacency

It’s the people being NPCs that really are the problem

The people who don’t see any responsibility to make things better, preserve the positive and change the negative

There are so many people on this planet

So much human potential and possibility

And yet they do nothing

And the sad part for me, is that this world is beautiful

Humanity has beauty

Life has great beauty

I wish they’d all

I don’t feel safe

My brother with his anger, for no reason, as if the world abandoned him when he’s had meals every day and a roof over his head and all the luxuries he wants

And my dad who doesn’t hear a word I say

It’s like speaking into a microphone that absorbs sound

It’s like someone punching the wall nearby

Fuck this

Screw that

Kill yourself

I had a place where I felt at peace

And it’s gone now

All I have left is shutting my mouth so my Christian father doesn’t kick me out

And hearing abuse spoken by my brother that I swear the Universe means for me

I’m here

Unemployed so I can’t escape

I’ve begged every time I could wish

But I guess it wouldn’t change anything

I’d still be sleeping with a powderkeg in the next room

Haven’t been sleeping

Can’t stay asleep

And I’m so over tired and my dad has been yelling at his computer and my brother has been yelling at his computer

And I just want to buy something

I just want to bandaid this stress and this fear and this uncertainty with buying things

Can’t

That whole, not having a job I keep begging the Universe for

And it’s so gross?

Because I’m being made to be grateful for this

Thank god I could move back into this house how lucky I am

I feel so alone

I have a friend

But she’s on the other side of the country and I’m on the back porch crying

What’s she supposed to do?

I feel so stuck

And like I’m moving backward

I finally knew who I was at home

Back to masking to appease my family

It all feels so pointless

Everything I did for the past fifteen years

I’m right back here

Right back where I started with no power, no control

Afraid of an angry man

Afraid of losing my home if I misspeak

I wanted to go home

I want to go home

Just don’t ask me where it is

I don’t know anymore