Elucidating Questions

Some heartache alongside heartache

Words I wanted to hear

Stories I wished were mine so I rewrote them

Why can’t he have three girlfriends?

I see no problem

And I wasn’t able to pick up on the structure but now I see it

I wish I hadn’t been taught to pry apart media

I’d trade any day

Remember when he used to take me away?

To go back to those dreams

Now it’s just Death’s door every night

I need to see something real

Something I can remember

I want to be by his side

Just in any capacity

But it’s not that type of situation

And the wishing

Had I never known of him all this pain wouldn’t exist

If it was just going to end like this why did it happen?

But I mustn’t let myself

Or I’ll yearn

And that’s wrong

In this circumstance

Of course

Reality doesn’t play out like the story

In the story the reincarnation wins

And I’m not even that

Some stranger who saw him on the street and fell in love more like

Hardly a main character

I mustn’t

I can’t

Why does the darkness always call it from me?

Like a piper drawing out mice

It slips past my defences

Why do you want it so badly?

Why do you take it?

Something

I never feel like I’m alone in my head

The face inside

Or something

Just out of my perception

Who was I saying I love you to?

When I woke up in the hospital

With a passion I’ve never been allowed to express

Who was it?

Who was with me in the dark, talking me through the drug induced nightmare?

Can I will them into being?

Some spirit?

Who are these spirits who come in my dreams?

Rather I think of impossible things that can’t get hurt if I think of them

These mysteries

The dreams

All my life I’ve had these vivid dreams

Meeting all these people who don’t exist

Living through them because life limited me

If I could remember them

I no longer remember them

Just find me love

Whatever you are

The skies have been disturbingly beautiful today

Can’t it be something like that?

I have been entertained today

Acquired a device that plays various games

Spent all day in nostalgia

Playing a game that my sister once bought because I liked a series of games so she liked it too

And wouldn’t let me play it

Well sometimes she would, others not

I never really got to enjoy it

And I had a moment just now

Sitting

Realising that I am recognising a dream of being in control of my space

Able to play what I want when I want

I finished very few games relative to how many I played as a young person

Minding the children always came first

Letting someone else have a turn always came first

So I played games I could walk away from instead

I stubbornly beat a few

But sitting there on my chair

Curled up playing my game without feeling self conscious that other people are watching me

No dad to ask in a condescending tone

Are you still playing that?

I’m free

But I feel like my ice castle all alone has run its course

I have had a decent day, besides the pain

But, it was manageable pain today

I found many treasures over my years and never completed them

The fact that I have time to now both excites and terrifies me

I don’t want my life to be some long run on gaming session

It feels good to take something back from my sister

As stupid and petty as that sounds

I gave up a lot over the years because I was constantly someone’s older sibling and never myself

Trying to seperate myself from her

I always felt like she was coming along to take things from me

Now it’s hard to say what was sibling issues on my side and when she actually was trying to take something from me

Because sometimes she was

But apparently young me gets a kick out of playing a game that she wouldn’t let me play when I wanted

Tiny liberations of the soul

Tiny deaths for other reasons

Are the sirens coming at the moment of it?

I swear I hear them

But I could be imagining it

My ears ringing filling in the silence between the sounds

How I am so many people and yet just me,

Confuses and troubles me

How they were all me but now they’re someone else who I carry with me in cracked memories

All me

But no longer

We share things

Some likes, dislikes

Further back memories

But they would not be me

And I am not them

We share that

That we are not eachother

And yet I have to treasure them, or no one else will

Which is a conundrum because I’ve always hated myself

And I wasn’t the best person, steeped in trauma my whole life

And, I guess, being a kid who didn’t know better

It’s hard to give myself graces I would eagerly lend another

I’ve always been searching for someone else to offer them to me

You know, like the teen love stories where they bring out the best in eachother

Watching things I watched as a kid, hoping for something like that

Knowing it’s too late

I 悩む

At least I have things to do

I’m not bored

Not much to say though

Though I guess I just said all that

Diving into the past

Somewhere he wasn’t I guess

But in this place where he isn’t, in the place where he either,

I wonder if I can finally rest some

That I was in enough pain last night to not write

To not go see Saturn

It’s the pits

My arm still hurts

By the time I went to bed I was groaning in pain

As the pain stretches on my endurance goes

The pain gets worse

Everything that hurts gets louder

My arm still hurts

Less than yesterday

Manageable pain

I can’t figure this thing out

First it was in my chest

That was fun

Then my right leg

Now my right arm

What is it?

I wonder

What is manifesting as this cruelty?

It hurts quite a bit still though

I’m just good at getting through it

There’s a morning dove convention in the tree next to the neighbour’s house

Or I guess it’s over now

That was a lot of doves

All flying over me

Did I just get low budget married?

Sorry we couldn’t afford white doves

Here’s some mourning doves

Or, if they’re mourning doves

Is it a funeral?

Who died?

Our Akita?

The smoke is thick again

I keep forgetting it’s morning

That was fun I didn’t think about how much it hurts for a moment

I mean, I did, but it wasn’t bad.

Sometimes I wonder if some of the pain is my brain just being bored and if I had something to do with people it wouldn’t be so bad

It’s not true, I know this from experience

I always just wonder if I’m making it up, just a little bit

‘Course then shit like this happens.

Not making it up

Real pain

If there is a world where I can exist without pain

Can I go there please?

I’m in considerable pain right now

I think I’m having another of these weird pain attacks, now in my arm

Considerable pain

My fingers ache

It started in my shoulder and has moved down my arm

Just ache

And sharp ache at that

My fingers hurt to move

I’m partially holding the phone with my aching hand, but it’s balancing on my left thumb as I type

I think it’s starting to ebb now

It hurts like a bitch to hold my phone I’m just built of bricks when it comes to my own pain

There’s no doing anything for it

It just hurts and I am here to feel it

It hurts so fucking much though

Now it appears to be ramping up from my shoulder again

If I had someone to complain to would it be easier to bear?

So ready for someone

This pain is beyond over kill

When it’s in my fingers it’s easier to deal with

I’ve had hand pain since forever

Heh

If every person on the planet simultaneously experienced as much pain as I’m feeling right now

Would it be brushed off as easily as what I feel?

I don’t know how I put up with it

The agony

Alone

I wish I had some pain killers that would work

Now it’s all tingly when I touch it

The things I live through

Goddess of pain and indentured servitude was it?

Irony

If I’m writing my own story

A wonderful person comes into my life

Someone I can see in person

Someone for me

And then I can bear the pain

It’s better now

Kind of

A picture child for pain

Content, not happy

Don’t get them confused

And I feel more present and aware

This is good stuff

It’s still terribly lonely

There’s still no one to talk to

Many, many, devices

Keeping me sane

But how long can this maintain?

Sure enough all things lose their shiny newness

The challenging stuff is fun

Not knowing how to do stuff is fun

Couldn’t you bring me a companion?

Some gremlin to come sit in my house and inspire me to clean

There’s still no one here

Even if stretching my wings to tomorrow means that I should fly

Still waiting for someone

I know that day is not today

Some little turd is blowing up my notifications because he’s insistent on me accepting that tips are not required

And I have said

Probably three times now

I don’t care what you think tipping is

This is how I’m doing it

And he’s all like no tips are supposed to be optional

Blah blah blah

Dude

Shut up

You’re as unimportant as I am

I consider tipping to be obligatory

You don’t

Fucking fine!

If you didn’t want to hear my opinion then don’t post publically

Dude I did hear your opinion

I said, publically, I don’t care and continued on with my day

Your whiny ass has come back 5 whole times to continue to tell me your opinion

I’m sorry you’re bored

Fuck off

I asked if Uber drivers could still see their tips

And he was like they don’t need to see the tips, tips are optional

How is that answering my question, genius?

Huh?

Smart guy?

Where in your statement of your opinion of what tips are did you answer my question?

You don’t know the answer because you’re not an Uber driver, yeah?

Moron?

Okay

Chill kitty

Yes イライラ

Just bullshit

Just Internet Things UwU

But

I feel it

It doesn’t feel slightly adjacent

Why do people think that when a question is asked they should instead start discussions about the question instead of answering it?

My opinion about this question is

Fucking stop

No one asked you

That wasn’t that fucking question