Elucidating Questions

Death

The collector

Did you take him gently?

Why do I ask

Always there to collect the pieces life left

The road to death is often cruel

You often say that

I hear it

I can’t take it

How do you rush from side to side?

Tearing yourself apart to reach them all

The immeasurable pressure

It’s always the one after

Never the one before

Like the first is the sign

And the second is the message

If it’s not a miracle I need

And you avoid me like the plague

Isn’t that fun irony

Endlessly is nice

目の前に

Would be better

With the two of you behind my ears

I’ll be doomed for sure

The listlessly flowing Wind

Hey a moment

With shadows

Terrified

Of the end

Of it

The process

I vaguely believe in the after

When you’re near and there’s none to take I feel safe

But

The ending

I know you told me so

I know you told me I’d become afraid of you and I said I wouldn’t

But you want it this way

Ever out of my reach

Something leads to something else

And suddenly I’m not crying for you every night

And if one of you would take credit for the night-being that’d be great

That hotel again

In Vancouver allegedly

It’s really funny my brain had no idea what Vancouver looked like before and now it just remembers hills

Hills and then downtown

Japan is more vague

Why do I go there?

Why am I suddenly going to Vancouver?

Why was Vancouver also randomly Tokyo suddenly?

Dreams

And death

Oh hey it’s that song that I made a video for from the anime I’m currently watching

I wish I didn’t love freaking cartoon characters

Some kind of brain wires crossed

Real people aren’t passionate like anime characters

Which is funny because while being some of the most passionate people I’ve met, Japanese people can also be terrible at big feelings

There’s so much going on

If I focus on you too long I panic

死ぬ何てイヤ

怖い

Another thing that seems to exist beyond just the Universe

Universal is not big enough to contain

Believe and Being

Believe in being?

Forever is terrifying

Is it more terrifying than you?

Time

And you said your name and I knew it

And I said I knew, but I don’t

I don’t know where the line falls

What’s the differentiation

But you are always

Running in a hurry while laughing

And I’ve tried to catch you

In fact, you give it to me

Your time

Is it an issue of place?

Can’t you sit still for a moment?

No, I suppose not

Wait up for me?

If we go by you, I’m so far behind

Not the interloper in my mind

The very fabric of moving forward

Those moments I hate you and you gaze at me with those voids of eyes

When you won’t answer my questions

Are you of the Universe?

A product of it?

Do you transcend the Universe and all its phenomena?

A promise of existence?

You were here before biology

A law

That to be

In any form

Means to be at your whims?

Or do you simply watch?

An existence like any other?

You seem cunning

Really, Time, is its own trickster god

It folds

People view it as a straight line

But I never see you running in the same place twice

Always a different direction

Always a different meaning

Places don’t stay the same where you’ve been

I said I know

The same, separate

You have hints of eachother

One promises the other

You flow

There’s a beginning of you

So there’s an end of everything else

But once you’re here, do you ever stop running?

Even once all the lights have gone out and there’s not a soul left here

Will you still be?

Are you a rule?

あるから時

いるから時

When I ask if everything can just stop for a moment

You throw your head back and laugh with an insanity that only you can create

Stop?

Yes, I know it’s a funny joke to you

Sitting in a place together

Where we can both be

One where I’m not a child trapped in madness

Were you ever a child?

Do you ever grow old?

So many tiny machines

Unknown flashes

Space is always doing something

Somewhere

I can’t find the words

What I want to write

What I can

Silently

From afar as I have been

Quieter

Who am I supposed to be believing in meeting?

Turning from one to the next because figments can’t hold me

If the future I saw in my heart is still there beyond the sky

Why does it feel so over?

Spinning in place

Just the left over momentum

Why?

I’m what way was I wrong?

There is no replacement

For the future I wanted

Anything you give me now will simply be

What I settled with

Everything

To nothing

You had me believing

The world I wanted closed

Like a snap trap

I wish

I could have half that life

What, into the well?

It’s a well of wishes not a wishing well

Even wanting to see the future

With my own eyes

It’s not mine I want to see

Is the flame courage?

It feels different

Different than hope

Different than love

Just have to make it to midnight

Right?

It dims in the dark

When I look up right now

I think

Ah, I really am alone

That feeling of having something to chase after

I didn’t particularly enjoy it

But it was something to fill my mind with

Desire and yearning

Keep my heart busy

It’s for the best

I’m just going to go forward, claiming it

I mean

We’ll never know, will we?

Nights and days spent aiming for something

To do so now would break every rule

And, yes, fuck rules

But my presence

It’s unwanted

And even if I look

It’ll just be something I can’t have

幸せに

It’s one of those moments

So clearly set

I want to

To reach him

But if it was 無理 before it’s now the 無理est 無理 to ever 無理

Besides

What for?

He found it all on his own

So far away

Farther than I ever thought possible

What could possibly happen to make this possible?

Don’t answer that question

It was hypothetical

The boy and his dagger

Are the two lovers

Again with the strange parallels

I just drew from no where

I hope you reach eachother

I know the bridge is gone

Being alone in the void

Probably feels very similar to this

I thought I had it right

I wish you had told me I was wrong long ago

I wish you’d granted me that kindness

My chair feels like it’s stable but upon coming outside just now I saw that it’s just balancing over a hole in the yard

Interesting how appearances can be deceiving

That doesn’t apply this time though

What if, what if

What if everything is fine?

Always posing these possibilities to me

As if imagining them carries any weight

3333 eh?

Angel number

What are the angel voices trying to tell me?

Why does it always go against what reality is showing me?

My heart will never give up

It doesn’t care about society’s rules

But it does care about him

I’m just a stress

Isn’t it love that makes us blind?

Just because I want to believe it

Doesn’t make it true

And if I fall into the trap of believing again

I’m no better than whatever I did

How I want to believe

But believing would be disrespectful

In the end I’m just an insane poet

It’s hard to believe it’s all for nothing

3333

Maybe a warning call for the Earth

If I had the power to save her, and everyone on her

I would

A teeny tiny part of me still thinks they’re all redeemable

Somehow

So tiny

So powerless

Sometimes redemption is not mine to decide

Besides my own

Am I redeemable?

Worst person on the planet was a hyperbole, yeah?

I’m worthy of some love

I couldn’t tell you how much without understating it

I always try to give myself less

I took less food at dinner when there wasn’t enough for everyone

Spent so long hating myself and thinking I deserved nothing

Worst person on the planet

Or was it Universe?

I’m not that

At least

I deserve as much love as anyone

I don’t know what I did to cause this life

But whatever it was, I’m not that person

Someone who existed before me and dictated my struggles

生まれ変わって来たんじゃないか

Being reborn means the tethers of the past still hold you

But you are unaware of them

What did I want to become?

How can I not f feel like I’m falling short?

Destiny terrifies me

That this was a path prewritten

長いなー

How is life both so long and so short?

I’ve wasted it pouring ink

Will there ever be a place for me?

Beside someone who stays?

Wouldn’t that have been funny

All this time, all this pain

Defeated by an itchy bug bite

But those things itch fuck

The problem with an itch versus pain

And I get this difference when my skin is on fire for no reason

You can scratch an itch

Right?

Interact with it

Even if scratching just makes it worse

In the moment you’re scratching it you’re like

This was a brilliant idea

But pain doesn’t even have that placebo moment where you’re creating endorphins

It just is pain

At least we have things to relieve the itch

Never mind the other day when I was wondering if cutting off my arm would relieve the pain

I was ready to chew through my ankle

Different sensations

Perhaps I felt it more intensely because my skin is always just a bit itchy

Thank you bug gel

Now I have some screwing around with technology to do