Elucidating Questions

You’d think I did something today

I’m so tired

Will I wake tomorrow the same?

Free of the night’s clutches

Yet still in the dark

The Sun can shine

And be the light that guides me

I’m still in darkness

I don’t know if I want the Sun to set or if I want it to rise

In the day I can pretend

Something could happen today

But once the darkness sets in again

It’s obvious it’s just the same old day again

The same old revolution

Thousands of miles from where we started

I’m still in the exact same place

I want to strike it

The darkness

Bite

Punch

Kick it

But it’s not an entity

Merely a promise

From me you will go, but to me you will always return

And I thought there would be a trick

That love was an answer to a missing piece so jagged

And the pain does run

Through my veins

My eyes weeping as if I’m always crying just a bit

Can’t I stop it from overflowing?

My soul which demands answers?

Demands to know why this is as it is

I can’t see the stars

Not mistaken

Gazing at the sky

I can’t get out

Of this life

Of the body

The pain may as well be my soul screaming to get out

Lock me in this mortal shell

Maybe that makes me powerless

But the words pour

My fight

Restless and angry underneath

Is this to settle it?

Crazy

Of course I’m crazy

Even the mad scientist has one guy

Who have I got?

Who wouldn’t cower away if they saw me?

Oh nevermind

Indeed

Maybe it is too late for thinking

Send me a lullaby then

Writing for no reason

That’s the opposite

I’m just an 悪霊

The disappearing blue flame

Well now I can’t take that sentence seriously anymore

Did you see that cool trick?

I hurt myself and laughed at the same time

Of course you didn’t

You didn’t see what my phone just did

You meddling spirits

You’re all I have

But you have no tact

Yes too soon

Another day is gone

This is such a long and lonely path

How far should we go?

I don’t know

If I had a choice I’d have bailed long ago

I’m here though

Never ending dream

Except the dreams

Which end

But the day feels like a dream

Sometimes I don’t know what was and wasn’t

Is it real?

Or just another shard of my mind?

Does there have to be this endless march?

One foot in front of the other

But it’s led me here

A place without anyone

And without anyone

It’s just me

All the me’s

Us

And it might not be over for us

But it’s over for any idea of us with anyone but us

I sought connection

And found none

Seek it out and ye shall find?

Something a rich man says to make himself believe it was his seeking that bright him fortune

And a poor man says to make himself believe he just hasn’t sought hard enough

The lucky

The unlucky

She’s finicky

Silent and sinister

Some people have it

Some don’t

And, yes, it is the dice cast again and again

Your either roll well or not

I roll critical at strange times

Yes still searching this city

For someone no where to be found

Am I on the wrong planet?

Are you out there?

Do you hear me?

My heart calls

Calls to no answer

I thought someone was there

But it was just my imagination

Terrifying things imaginations

Powerful

Corrupt

No one has found me

To never forget

That the connected hand was false

And knowing it

Without forgetting

Without forgetting is hard

It’s fine

He couldn’t hear it

No one can

I wish I could have a recipient

I don’t know why my love is wrong

But if just one person would let me love them

Am I just not meant to love someone?

What a cursed existence

The doves are congregating again

Why can’t I have a flock?

My mum she has her own

Everyone I know has their’s

I thought I had one for a while

Thought I was grateful

Thought I said thank you for it

When my shape didn’t fit their needs anymore I no longer had one

I know I did wrong, but I don’t think I did that wrong

I chose you, she said

I don’t think any words have come to damage me more in my life

Because it became I chose you so I can choose to not have you

That moment meant so much to me

Years later it haunts me as a memory of a fool

One misstep

One slip

And there wasn’t a way to be redeemed

Naïve

Careless

Still just a kid

Struggling with everything

I wouldn’t have abandoned me

Why am I the person I need?

Why do I have to be the one to stand beside myself?

My people

Never exist except under circumstances I can never maintain

Do you know what it’s like to constantly give everything you have, including actual money, to try to maintain connections that never stick?

Nothing sticks

I wish someone would hold my hand

Being stuck with myself is terrifying

Then again this is probably about her somehow

Not me

Nothing is ever about me

Everyone doesn’t realise they’re one misstep away from being as unimportant and invisible as I am

That I’ve been offering unconditional love to everyone all my life and they’ve all rejected it

None of the things I’ve done would have turned me away from friendships and relationships had they been done to me

Even purposely!

I’m a nitwit who’s unaware of everything I do

I’m just stupid

I have no malice

Stupid, harmless, alone

Probably the best description of me in three words.

You

Which you?

The you who’s absent right now

The you who I call in the night

The emptiness of my bed

You’d think someone could feel me

It’s all just me

Sentenced to myself

The worst

The absolute worst

And I’ve lost track of the Moon

It’s hard being no one to anyone

Just staring in the mirror

Me and me

And fuck I’m sick of you

Me

Constantly caught up in moments from some other time

Trying to find the future in the past

Trauma

And anxiety

No, you see, we’re master pattern detectors

Mine’s broken

They’re everywhere

They’re nowhere

Don’t ask about my heart you’ll wake up the Cat

Who is the dog

How did that happen?

I’ll just 拾うan entire personality

God, and I’m stuck in here with this thing?

Not the Cat, my brain

Disappear

Blue light you

Looking at you guys painful

Who’s an assault on whose eyes now?

Disappear

Like all these fairytales of the past

Clinging

I loved him again immediately

Wait who preceded who?

Oh my god Time fuck you and the laughter

Let me sink into my spirits

It’s safe here

You were but a tether

To a planet

No a society I wanted to care for

Oh I see

No

I said, disappear

It wasn’t a suggestion

Think of and receive か

言葉も考えも

聞こえるか宇宙？

It’s so sad

You pitiful thing in the dark

Thinking you found the rope

The thread

It’s okay

I’m here, somehow

Me from the past didn’t know what I was missing

Not knowing Japanese

I’ll think of the courage in me as a flame, and won’t run away anymore

Two nights in a row

It’s a lonely feeling

Thinking of the courage as within me

Means I found it on my own

Despite of, in spite of, everyone

Nothing did change

I’ve been here before but in many different shapes

The gradual shaping

You’d imagine nothing changed

It’s not an action

This casting out

Since the day you disappeared

I’ve been on a journey to find you

There still has to be a you

You see

It’s lonely

Summer is fading

No you’re not allowed to do that anymore

Whatever you are in the dark

I don’t trust you anymore

I’ve come this far alone

I don’t need anyone

欲しい

くれ？

I guess I’ve gone back to breathing oxygen

Not like I had a choice

But there’s this grudge growing

All of them having so much fun together

When I sit and stare up at the sky and recognise how alone I am

I wonder why they left me

I’m getting my first tattoo in two weeks

That like apprehensive excitement

Like I want it in my skin years ago

The pain I’m slightly concerned about

But it’s only 45 minutes

It’s only a small chunk of time and if I put up with that pain explosion whatever in my arm a few days back

I can sit through this

Never done it before though

Another first alone

No one to share it with

Except the sky

I’ll show my tattoo to Saturn

I’m sure he can see it from there

You’d say That’s fine, it’s not for anyone else is it?

And the answer is no, but you should know by now how much I like sharing

Stupid kid shows all about sharing and then they changed the rules but they never said when so I’m stuck with all these rules that no one else is

It’s the same excitement I had before my nose piercing

Which healed nicely unlike a certain trio of helix piercings

Moral support

That would be nice though

I could use it

I can do it on my own

I wish I had support

You can do it you crazy celestial pixie thing

I want it in my skin already