Elucidating Questions

There was someone with me last night

Someone

Throughout the dream

I can’t remember if they had a name

I don’t remember their face

Was it you? Strange spirit.

I was calmer

I didn’t feel that anxiety as I walked around the pet store

I feel like I suddenly remembered needing a cane and they let me take their arm instead

And then the moment of reality breaking through was over and I continued

And I want to say he

But we never used pronouns and my brain is my brain

Who knows

As fleeting as a butterfly

They were there

And now they’re gone

No summoning

No one died

Somehow there

Who could it have been?

I don’t even recall

The part where I’m trapped with my ex

How strange

Why is it that in my dreams I have these people?

My mind making up friends?

Supi was there

They’re just whispers now

They were as vivid as day when I was experiencing them

I wish I knew who it was

I wish it wasn’t just a dream

I want a companion

I am complaining

A relationship I barely remember

A ghost during the day

I know my mind can’t make actual people appear

But it feels cruel

To only have true relationships in my dreams

Is that not pitiful?

Am I too hideous in the light?

Who knows

Me in my dreams is strong, steadfast, brave

I mean, goes to space

That old myth that if you die in your dreams you die in real life?

Apparently dream me is not concerned

Something about dreaming gives me power

But only within the dreams

Plagued

I’m plagued by repeating stories

Like my mind ran out of them

Bitch you dreamt up an entire novel and this is what you’re giving me?

Now they’re just mysteries

Dream interpretation never sounds right

I wish I knew what my mind was trying to tell me

I wish dreaming could make it so I find these people in the daylight

The night can’t swallow me tonight

The darkness may press in

But I put my name down

And can see things changing

So long I was trapped by every little thing getting in the way

And I’ve clawed my way into existing

Swimming against the stream of bureaucracy

Trying to stop me from surviving

Let alone thriving

Disability in this world is set up so that you never stop having to prove you’re disabled

Everything you need

You have to prove it

All because we can’t produce what we need ourselves

Whatever that may be

And I never know why

Because anyone who would willingly submit to this

As a fake

Would have to be so desperate

You might as well give it to them anyways!

This lack of care just in case someone might abuse it

Oh, I want to stay here

But I don’t belong here anymore

Ah well

Keep going on

And I am standing alone

If only they’d forgive my sins

I’m accomplishing something

Despite everything trying to stop me

And this world that couldn’t care less

It’s so easy to say don’t be afraid

When the world is small in darkness

But I do have a power

It’s strange

And I can’t explain it to anyone

Ever

The flame reignites

Somehow

How I want to teach it

I’m being told the night is opening

Can I fight it off for a moment longer?

I’m not ready to follow you home yet

Oh repeating dreams

Oh it’s time for you is it?

You are a wise guy

Oh now the exhaustion has hit me

As it does

Today is not a day to forget

The first day I saw my name on mail

It was real

I got my first piece of mail with my full name on it

My real name

Me, mine

With the whole lot of Ls

Welsh is great

Goodbye ties to my father hello ties to some person way back who was forced to anglicize their last name

To the person who thought it would be gone forever

It’s mine now

Maybe you felt like it was the right thing to do

But, I don’t know

My fighting spirit comes from somewhere

And the name means something

Leader, lion like, who knows

Interestingly I didn’t know it was connected to anything in particular until just now

I just wanted to remove the English from me

As much as I could

I’m a wild thing

No Anglo-Saxon could conquer me

I wonder if there were members of my family fearing the wildness would be stamped out

I wandered the forests as a child

Spoke with trees

Animals

Now I speak to bugs too

Something in me has always been wild

Someone who fights for what’s right

As best they can

Knowing right and wrong are not absolute

That the world is showered in greys

But the colour

People so often forget the colour in the world

My name

The thrill I got from seeing it in print

It’s real

Not just a thought trapped in my head

Sprinkled here and there on the web like a whisper

I’ve been existing in this space where I occupy the existence of another person

Someone who never existed

Someone who was an imagined creation of society’s expectations and fear

When I hear her name I flinch

Because she’s gone

She doesn’t occupy this space anymore

She did her fighting

Did her attempt at being everything society expected

She kept me safe until I was strong enough to voice who I am

Who I actually am

She did her best

Now it’s time for the name to rest

Goodnight trees of ashes

It was not for me

She was the cocoon

I am the moth that emerged

I haven’t really existed though

I kept the shell

After all becoming something

The government doesn’t like that

Things take money and time and transportation I didn’t have

This year has been so difficult to describe

I want my sister to be here to see me make my name real

What a huge milestone to go through without you Mel

It’s like up and down and way down and then up again

It hasn’t been neutral

It’s been brutal

But good things are happening too

And I can’t even handle that by the time the year, that is almost over, ends my name will be real

Have I ever asked you to stay away?

I’m asking you again then

I want to make it until then

I want to

Even though it’s going to be lonely as hell

Alone I am making steps to realise myself

Terrifying as it is

I guess I didn’t need you after all

I was playing Wii on the bus

And had the thought

Here we are at the future

I’m playing a console on a little device

My tamagotchi have Bluetooth and wifi capability

My finger prints were taken by a machine

But it’s nothing like the idealists envisioned

Because we couldn’t love each other

Couldn’t cooperate

Instead of technology lifting up society

They put a dollar amount on it

Kept it locked up for only the rich to utilise

Anyone who really needs it can’t afford it

Let the few dictate the lives of the many

Someone rode beside the bus on an electric scooter

They scorned those trying to do right by the world

We have arrived at the future

But paradise is no where in sight

Only for those with pockets deep enough to forget the ticking time bomb they’ve turned our planet in to

And I can search for anything on the internet, but it will produce far right wing, slanted, false information as fact

Because they paid more

Instead of enshrining community

We played those with less against each other

Individualistic people are praised

Humanity has no goal besides making as much money as possible

Money being a fictitious thing allegedly created to ease the trade of goods

Rather than preserving our planet

Welcome to the future

You can watch the hockey game anywhere

No one can afford basic needs

But you can order something from China and have it be there in two weeks

And they’re talking about record breaking sales and gains while saying things are so expensive they just have to put up the price

But you can order groceries to your door

Which helps disabled people

But the people delivering the order aren’t being paid enough

And they keep talking about the economy

Like people without money can spend money

But if you’re in debt you’re a bad person

And you’re a slave to a number they made up in the 80s

And also the corporation who pays debt slave wages.

Or you’re just a cubicle filler

And if you die they won’t find you for days

Was all of this connected to freedom somehow?

And they all think they’re free

But the government has been slowly positioning policy that makes a corporation more human than an actual person

And they won’t pay disabled people or people between jobs enough to live off of

But if you’re a struggling corporation

Here’s a few million dollars

The future

Here we are

AI does art while children sew garments

Machines orbit the Earth

While humans stand on her, growing hotter

Growing more volatile

And just keep pushing her

If the bubble bursts

The clouds will leak into space

Ah, the future

Your phone is watching you

But it’s also basically a requirement of life at this point

God

What the hell are humans doing?

Sometimes I yell at Google translate when I’m translating into Japanese

Don’t you dare put it in katakana!

I may have just over stepped

But you put that article there for a reason right?

You knew what I was going to do

But

But I have to

Somehow I have to keep everyone safe

Nothing is as perfect as it seems

But I’m sure he has reasons

He has reasons too

Two damaged from the mega tsunami created by your loss

In completely different ways

And I don’t know what your relationship was like

But even if it’s meaningless like everything else I had to try

Say something encouraging

I suppose my fear is unfounded

You’ve known me

You know me

And I may not know what’s right and what’s wrong

If you’re just a memory

Of what I thought you were

怒りが感じない

Learning new words

Always learning

It’s alright right?

Just another drop in the bucket

I should stop assuming my words are important

That they have any power in this world

You’re right I did wake without the night

It’s cloudy though

I want to mean something

Prove my existence

Could I ever stand as tall as you did, with so many demons watching over?