Elucidating Questions

I wish I could have a recipient

I don’t know why my love is wrong

But if just one person would let me love them

Am I just not meant to love someone?

What a cursed existence

The doves are congregating again

Why can’t I have a flock?

My mum she has her own

Everyone I know has their’s

I thought I had one for a while

Thought I was grateful

Thought I said thank you for it

When my shape didn’t fit their needs anymore I no longer had one

I know I did wrong, but I don’t think I did that wrong

I chose you, she said

I don’t think any words have come to damage me more in my life

Because it became I chose you so I can choose to not have you

That moment meant so much to me

Years later it haunts me as a memory of a fool

One misstep

One slip

And there wasn’t a way to be redeemed

Naïve

Careless

Still just a kid

Struggling with everything

I wouldn’t have abandoned me

Why am I the person I need?

Why do I have to be the one to stand beside myself?

My people

Never exist except under circumstances I can never maintain

Do you know what it’s like to constantly give everything you have, including actual money, to try to maintain connections that never stick?

Nothing sticks

I wish someone would hold my hand

Being stuck with myself is terrifying

Then again this is probably about her somehow

Not me

Nothing is ever about me

Everyone doesn’t realise they’re one misstep away from being as unimportant and invisible as I am

That I’ve been offering unconditional love to everyone all my life and they’ve all rejected it

None of the things I’ve done would have turned me away from friendships and relationships had they been done to me

Even purposely!

I’m a nitwit who’s unaware of everything I do

I’m just stupid

I have no malice

Stupid, harmless, alone

Probably the best description of me in three words.

You

Which you?

The you who’s absent right now

The you who I call in the night

The emptiness of my bed

You’d think someone could feel me

It’s all just me

Sentenced to myself

The worst

The absolute worst

And I’ve lost track of the Moon

It’s hard being no one to anyone

Just staring in the mirror

Me and me

And fuck I’m sick of you

Me

Constantly caught up in moments from some other time

Trying to find the future in the past

Trauma

And anxiety

No, you see, we’re master pattern detectors

Mine’s broken

They’re everywhere

They’re nowhere

Don’t ask about my heart you’ll wake up the Cat

Who is the dog

How did that happen?

I’ll just 拾うan entire personality

God, and I’m stuck in here with this thing?

Not the Cat, my brain

Disappear

Blue light you

Looking at you guys painful

Who’s an assault on whose eyes now?

Disappear

Like all these fairytales of the past

Clinging

I loved him again immediately

Wait who preceded who?

Oh my god Time fuck you and the laughter

Let me sink into my spirits

It’s safe here

You were but a tether

To a planet

No a society I wanted to care for

Oh I see

No

I said, disappear

It wasn’t a suggestion

Think of and receive か

言葉も考えも

聞こえるか宇宙？

It’s so sad

You pitiful thing in the dark

Thinking you found the rope

The thread

It’s okay

I’m here, somehow

Me from the past didn’t know what I was missing

Not knowing Japanese

I’ll think of the courage in me as a flame, and won’t run away anymore

Two nights in a row

It’s a lonely feeling

Thinking of the courage as within me

Means I found it on my own

Despite of, in spite of, everyone

Nothing did change

I’ve been here before but in many different shapes

The gradual shaping

You’d imagine nothing changed

It’s not an action

This casting out

Since the day you disappeared

I’ve been on a journey to find you

There still has to be a you

You see

It’s lonely

Summer is fading

No you’re not allowed to do that anymore

Whatever you are in the dark

I don’t trust you anymore

I’ve come this far alone

I don’t need anyone

欲しい

くれ？

I guess I’ve gone back to breathing oxygen

Not like I had a choice

But there’s this grudge growing

All of them having so much fun together

When I sit and stare up at the sky and recognise how alone I am

I wonder why they left me

I’m getting my first tattoo in two weeks

That like apprehensive excitement

Like I want it in my skin years ago

The pain I’m slightly concerned about

But it’s only 45 minutes

It’s only a small chunk of time and if I put up with that pain explosion whatever in my arm a few days back

I can sit through this

Never done it before though

Another first alone

No one to share it with

Except the sky

I’ll show my tattoo to Saturn

I’m sure he can see it from there

You’d say That’s fine, it’s not for anyone else is it?

And the answer is no, but you should know by now how much I like sharing

Stupid kid shows all about sharing and then they changed the rules but they never said when so I’m stuck with all these rules that no one else is

It’s the same excitement I had before my nose piercing

Which healed nicely unlike a certain trio of helix piercings

Moral support

That would be nice though

I could use it

I can do it on my own

I wish I had support

You can do it you crazy celestial pixie thing

I want it in my skin already

Death

The collector

Did you take him gently?

Why do I ask

Always there to collect the pieces life left

The road to death is often cruel

You often say that

I hear it

I can’t take it

How do you rush from side to side?

Tearing yourself apart to reach them all

The immeasurable pressure

It’s always the one after

Never the one before

Like the first is the sign

And the second is the message

If it’s not a miracle I need

And you avoid me like the plague

Isn’t that fun irony

Endlessly is nice

目の前に

Would be better

With the two of you behind my ears

I’ll be doomed for sure

The listlessly flowing Wind

Hey a moment

With shadows

Terrified

Of the end

Of it

The process

I vaguely believe in the after

When you’re near and there’s none to take I feel safe

But

The ending

I know you told me so

I know you told me I’d become afraid of you and I said I wouldn’t

But you want it this way

Ever out of my reach

Something leads to something else

And suddenly I’m not crying for you every night

And if one of you would take credit for the night-being that’d be great

That hotel again

In Vancouver allegedly

It’s really funny my brain had no idea what Vancouver looked like before and now it just remembers hills

Hills and then downtown

Japan is more vague

Why do I go there?

Why am I suddenly going to Vancouver?

Why was Vancouver also randomly Tokyo suddenly?

Dreams

And death

Oh hey it’s that song that I made a video for from the anime I’m currently watching

I wish I didn’t love freaking cartoon characters

Some kind of brain wires crossed

Real people aren’t passionate like anime characters

Which is funny because while being some of the most passionate people I’ve met, Japanese people can also be terrible at big feelings

There’s so much going on

If I focus on you too long I panic

死ぬ何てイヤ

怖い

Another thing that seems to exist beyond just the Universe

Universal is not big enough to contain

Believe and Being

Believe in being?

Forever is terrifying

Is it more terrifying than you?

Time

And you said your name and I knew it

And I said I knew, but I don’t

I don’t know where the line falls

What’s the differentiation

But you are always

Running in a hurry while laughing

And I’ve tried to catch you

In fact, you give it to me

Your time

Is it an issue of place?

Can’t you sit still for a moment?

No, I suppose not

Wait up for me?

If we go by you, I’m so far behind

Not the interloper in my mind

The very fabric of moving forward

Those moments I hate you and you gaze at me with those voids of eyes

When you won’t answer my questions

Are you of the Universe?

A product of it?

Do you transcend the Universe and all its phenomena?

A promise of existence?

You were here before biology

A law

That to be

In any form

Means to be at your whims?

Or do you simply watch?

An existence like any other?

You seem cunning

Really, Time, is its own trickster god

It folds

People view it as a straight line

But I never see you running in the same place twice

Always a different direction

Always a different meaning

Places don’t stay the same where you’ve been

I said I know

The same, separate

You have hints of eachother

One promises the other

You flow

There’s a beginning of you

So there’s an end of everything else

But once you’re here, do you ever stop running?

Even once all the lights have gone out and there’s not a soul left here

Will you still be?

Are you a rule?

あるから時

いるから時

When I ask if everything can just stop for a moment

You throw your head back and laugh with an insanity that only you can create

Stop?

Yes, I know it’s a funny joke to you

Sitting in a place together

Where we can both be

One where I’m not a child trapped in madness

Were you ever a child?

Do you ever grow old?

So many tiny machines

Unknown flashes

Space is always doing something

Somewhere

I can’t find the words

What I want to write

What I can

Silently

From afar as I have been

Quieter

Who am I supposed to be believing in meeting?

Turning from one to the next because figments can’t hold me

If the future I saw in my heart is still there beyond the sky

Why does it feel so over?

Spinning in place

Just the left over momentum

Why?

I’m what way was I wrong?

There is no replacement

For the future I wanted

Anything you give me now will simply be

What I settled with

Everything

To nothing

You had me believing

The world I wanted closed

Like a snap trap

I wish

I could have half that life

What, into the well?

It’s a well of wishes not a wishing well

Even wanting to see the future

With my own eyes

It’s not mine I want to see

Is the flame courage?

It feels different

Different than hope

Different than love

Just have to make it to midnight

Right?

It dims in the dark

When I look up right now

I think

Ah, I really am alone