Elucidating Questions

Faking happy on the outside while the inside is

Just a stormy day every day it storms

And I’ve tried to hold on but he pushed away and I know why and it just hurts.

It just hurts.

Falling in love with these beautiful people who don’t see me as I see them

Don’t miss me like I miss them

Don’t reach out for me like I reach for them.

I only wish the sun could fall and be a person, that Mercury could sit beside me and laugh.

They won’t come close, they won’t hear me sing, they won’t bend in the slightest

I am so tired of thinking

I’m so tired.

Trading for a wish that wouldn’t be true.

Into the well of darkness,

Still don’t know how I’m supposed to be better off alone alone all alone

Every day getting over being alone.

What can I make of what I have?

What do I have now?

A room.

I had hope we could be something, faith we could be something, I stubbornly thought we could be something

Even though you said over and over we couldn’t but I hoped.

I did and now I don’t think I can do such a stupid thing anymore.

Every morning starts the same with neither of the people I want to wake up beside

One disregards me, one I don’t know.

I don’t understand why.

Hope leads to heartbreak.

There are people who can hope,

I don’t think I am one of those people.

I had hope.

I thought so many things.

I know only one silent secret,

Perhaps it is the reason I am alone.

So I cast you out, those who would laugh at me and turn away, those who would have wrong done to me,

I say to the emptiness, but the eyes locked on the true monster of my waking the anxiety that grips every second

I cast you out,

But his brother doubt whispers into my mind, but what if the fears are true and they are real and we are just trying to help you

They whisper as fears are turned up and superimposed onto images of what could be the future

When the future is but the words that scream earlier being returned in a jumble.

Will they exercise for me as I have been forced by them to exorcise myself to keep me safe.

The traumas whisper things that happened inviting themselves in in moments unwelcome,

Even when there’s nothing there.

Being alone just makes it worse,

Just makes it harder

Every moment alone to the thoughts ticks back

Back to the moments I was had without knowing what that meant.

Working in chorus, confusing the real, daring to forget how to feel to close in to give in

And sometimes the pain is real,

They take advantage of my hospitality staying in my mind and my body far longer than ever needed.

To cast them out if it could be so easy,

These three that keep me raw and bruised every day, so searching for comfort

For a way to cope on the backs of the impossible that could be possible and that which could be simple or complex.

To try to throw them on a scramble as the mind thinks on and calculates something.

I shouldn’t become them, but I do, I become them and I should fight harder,

But every day fighting leaves it broken and tired and…

Trying to find words in the words of someone who inspires me every day to try not to say…

And when I become them, if I become these demons I fight,

It takes time to put back on the light when they have been pushing down for so long.

I cast you out I scream every time, before they pounce again.

So much to have been lost as the anxiety tears and the trauma reminds and the body crumbles.

With every breath I take I want to show him that this world was worth it,

That in the end doesn’t have to mean that anymore that someone can beat it while

Acknowledging what has been lost to these demons I turn into in the lowest moments.

These monsters beneath my skin that have eyes for no one but me.

And when I lose their games I am the one who loses in the end.

They steal all your hope and pawn it off on cheap ringers to come back at you with later.

They do.

I want to be a reminder to stay but sometimes I lose to my own terrible things too.

Sometimes I need a hand up when I’ve fallen.

Sometimes I don’t know what to do anymore.

I call them names, I belittle them, I listen to them, I humour them, I accept them

Sometimes it feels as though all I am these days

Is a fight for my life.

Don’t really know how to feel about it,

The words of goodbye that always follow.

Didn’t want to hear words of love, the tongue silenced.

How many times we picked ourselves up off the ground now?

Who knows how far we have to go to feel again and know what it feels like.

Flowers even bloom in the gutter, but pretending the last pain hasn’t made it further.

I close my eyes to hide the pain but it’s just someone else behind them again.

Why do we have to be enemies?

When this endless anthem of the lonely ticks on.

Cobblestone paths of silence that makes me crazy

The endless conversation with the sun.

And how to get back up every time a fall happens,

The ghosts of former selves putting back together,

Under too much pressure.

If lives could sync if only lives could sync.

Would it be too much to ask to have you stay?

Someone who would fight to be somewhere close.

When the book closed and the pages were finished, could it be something worth coming for?

Sleepless nights and waiting. The darker the night the brighter the dawn, they say,

Even when it doesn’t come,

Could I ask you to stay?

Often the thought comes that the reason no one fights is I haven’t been worth fighting for.

Fighting every day to stay, like trying to save my own life.

Don’t know why it’s such a struggle, but I struggle,

Does it mean I can’t ask you to stay?

How much I wish, I wish we could all stay.

One lone cloud below the rest, moving faster to the eye beneath it.

The image of the sleeping rock in the cloud as it moves.

It rolls and suddenly changes direction, it splits in half.

One lone cloud as the masses hang on the horizon,

In a circle of blue with the misdirection of uncertain winds.

The confusion of the wind, changing direction trying to find the right way.

Come my way, whispered by the parched earth.

Much closer than farther away,

Still looking for rain.