Elucidating Questions

Used.

Every time, used for someone else.

The moment felt right but in hindsight it’s the same again, I am always used.

It turns the memories black and the thoughts grey, the feelings dripping out into nothing.

Nothing.

I never learn, I never learn.

Used.

By now I should have seen the signs and realised which life is mine and known the pieces and seen.

No matter what, no matter how hard you try, no matter,

You cannot make people love you.

You cannot open eyes that do not look.

The desperate struggle to find something to answer, the reminder that they all choose as they do.

There’s a reason, there’s a reason my chest hurts like the knives stabbed into it and the ache of a heart broken too many times

Does it turn to stone?

Frozen.

Searching for warmth in a ice cold desert.

The pain of a moment of the goodbye that lasts too long that is unwanted.

So tired of the games so tired of the continuation of something that could have been, but no one has called.

If I was a song I would be a comet in the sky.

If I was celestial I would be a nebula.

Reaching out into the cosmos as the need to want,

The never ending need.

Does it become a feeling? Could it ever?

If only there was an answer for this pull, this tug, this yanking feeling.

I miss you, I miss you, I missed you.

I wish I hadn’t missed you. I wish we’d been worth more to you.

I wish I was real to you.

A person, who through the force felt pushed below.

The person who dropped to the lowest low and no,

It isn’t a joke and no, I don’t know why, and yes,

I want to run away.

As far away as possible.

I want to run away.

There’s nothing left of this road, but I keep going down it. Keep thinking maybe, just maybe, he’ll have an epiphany and see,

Maybe he could want to be with me.

Maybe I was good enough.

But it’s only because I continue in this awful silence and I will never know if the other he was on the other end.

Every day goes by and I feel torn in half by the want of two people who brush me aside as so much dust and it hurts.

And I can’t blame them.

I thought things could be better, I thought someone would see me as I am and love me for it.

Perhaps that was the first mistake. Wanting to find a way, any way.

I burn from the inside, I yearn and I need and I want.

The whirlpool of one sided love.

There is no other who I would choose, but I am trapped in the rebound.

I love you, but it’s not enough, and I know that.

I’m not blind, I know it’s not enough.

When the words pour out in a torrent as the grip tightens to something without wanting to lose it,

The hands of one too many in a moment of weakness that will certainly continue.

The word keeps repeating in the day and night,

The moment.

There could be one, there could not be.

Afterwards no one knows what happens, and anyone who does can’t say so for sure.

Nothing is concrete it flows ahead like a bridge being built as you go, when it gets broken every second is a new second.

No certainty, every day, no certainty.

The internal argument that starts when it begins to show,

The things that are said and the things that follow. It happens it flips and it happens again, different as the road stretches on.

Never know whether it’s too much to think you noticed me, never know whether it’s not enough to apologise for the votitility.

You’re everything that keeps me moving, you’re everything that keeps me believing.

If you knew it would you turn your back?

There’s not much for me to offer you except love and words.

They’re not worth much, but you’re worth everything.

Every second is a breath I take for you,

Of every life saved, mine as selfish as it sounds,

You’ve been everything.

What could it be if we were something.

Formidable like the poet and the beautiful artist you are.

I adore everything about you.

I know what I am, and I know why no, but I need you every day.

The tug and pull of your music as it meshes with the others,

You are my sun, I am the moon watching from the orbit.

You’d think I have everything, but nothing without you.

But I could throw every story I have and it wouldn’t be you.

I know the daunting task of taking on the very body of the fears.

I would stand beside you regardless, I hope you know. I hope you know

It never meant anything more to me than knowing you.

Knowing you meant everything to me,

Anything I could learn, anything about you.

You mean everything.

I know it’s not my turn, I know I tried to jump the line,

But wishes never mean more to me than you do.

You mean everything. Even when I’m afraid to say it, you mean everything.

Can you hear me?

I can hear far too much.

I wish you were the only thing I heard.

I know, I know the signs weren’t for me, even though I found them.

Don’t think I thought the words you meant for someone so beautiful and wonderful were meant for me,

I wanted them to matter for me in the futures…

Or perhaps not. I am afraid to know whether you know I am here, I am afraid

But you’re somewhere near, I hope.

I hope someday you will see I only meant love for you, every descent was for me.

I only wanted you to see the good, even when the bad shone through.

My dear every night, through the night, I love you.

Numb enough to not feel the pain, low enough to feel the need.

Far enough away that nothing feels quite like it,

The distance between. If I had been right, if there had been a right time, if life was easy.

I love you anyways, you’re on my mind every day, you mean more to me than words.

In moments between in the grey it is harder, in moments between dreams I should tell you.

I should tell you how much you mean, but any logical person would be afraid.

Please, more than anything, know I wanted only good for you.

And and your friends and family. For everyone, for anyone connected to you.

If this was when I was young you would be part of my prayers every night.

I wish I could meet you, I wish I could explain away the mistakes.

I wish you knew how hard it was to continue like nothing had happened,

I wish you had taken me seriously.

I love you.

How strange to love you, but I love you.

Please let this be a classic love with letters written over and over,

Not a modern love where fingers are pointed.

Please let this be enough, know I love you and that I can be a normal person.

Know I meant it, that I am something else, but that I never wanted it.

I will always want you.

Memories like tomorrow today,

I love you.

Please don’t run away from me, I would run from you first.

In this strange feeling like I’ve missed something integral,

The one thing I haven’t missed is that the courage of the online, doesn’t come close to the fear of the real life.

I love you,

And it has terrified me every day since I realised.

I don’t want to be the one, the one who makes you afraid of leaving your doors,

The one who makes you put up walls

The one who makes you hide.

I know some things others wouldn’t, I don’t know things others would.

Can I come in? Can we talk?

Even if you could never love me, and I know why, couldn’t we know each other?

Couldn’t the silence be broken?

I have the power to make it last you have the power to start it.

We could be something never seen before.

Couldn’t we?