Elucidating Questions

Technicolour angels. Wings of the colour palette mixed and colours that fade and mix.

Colours beyond what is known and seen, not holes or black, or grey, or white, colours that don’t exist.

This unknown unseen beauty, the call of someone, the sound of something.

It gets harder to picture the future, but it whispers nonetheless.

Bits and pieces.

Knowing and seeing is far safer than telling. There is nothing to tell to those who wouldn’t see, only the scrambling of piecing together the ashes that burnt around

As the silence weighed heavier every day, worse than gravity.

The willingness of humans to ignore that which they don’t wish to see.

Everything was right in front of them, there was so much to see, but fear of mistakes brought it to a stop

And bringing it back ended up being just another part of someone else’s song.

In the clouds where the arachnid queen waits she is ready,

Does the gravity get me? Does the gravity catch me?

An endless sea of air as the ocean is far but beautiful we want to see her, in her beauty when she is calm and peaceful

Trapped within a bubble that threatens to burst if we continue by this path that hurts worse.

What hurts worse though? What did we miss?

Beyond the reaches of the outside stand billions upon billions of others and being one in that mass is a statistical impossibility it is highly unlikely so we hear a bird calling and feel the burn of legs standing perfectly still.

There’s an outside to it but it’s harder to get to than any vision of the stars they speak of other things, nostalgia on the line as the ages old light finally finds a target.

The arachnid queen is a river and a waterfall she is far away, she is falling down slowly there.

The rest are dispersed.

The light of love appears in the yet lit sky of what twilight feels like. Backwards. With no chance of context.

The books that sit in their boxes laugh.

I hadn’t even made that connection.

Now the proof of it is gone.

The feeling of not quite understanding what the answer could change to, when the question shifts and the answer is

And in the moment it feels like there is no answer because the starving mind closes itself in a world where only it exists.

The answer is someone who means so much, and watching her growing and being and always being that little step above, trying so hard, she is and has been my incredible friend

Someone who is truly related by merely us being together so long we know the same story.

Words that come out that mean nothing mean things, we understand each other.

Some days I feel she is the only one left that can.

All the time as the information buried deep, but waiting for a moment to be formed. The feeling of so small in the thick of it, the jungle of the space beyond where we are.

The pressure it all exerts on everything and everything else are far beyond and beneath and above any words or explanation it just goes out.

Someone somewhere something sometime else.

The something just waits to be triggered again.

The further you go the louder the sounds of those close but so far away get, like a chorus a symphony a good song at best,

Don’t say the unspeakable.

Yet it is spoken anyway, the desperation that I do not understand.

I call for help, and the gravity hits.

But someone else close knows the words are harder, sees and it makes it easier.

Having to find somehow the one thing in the chaos that frees it all.

This odd silent listener who tells this quiet calm.

Who knows how it’s all to go.

But it doesn’t let them get me, like they often do, slowly talking me down into the fear it all causes.

I see the flicker of the planet that sits above the sun.

Something nearby, compared to the distance it takes to get to where I want to be.

Even when I hate you I love you and this simple effortless losing again and again as it just doesn’t

It just doesn’t. There’s no word to quantity what I feel, the feeling of setting out with all good intentions for nothing.

The explanation for what happened can only be that too much led to too much and the desperate grabbing for anyone that led to the slipped knots and the rope crashing down.

What could have held us together that was all I had and I believed it and I still don’t know how the feeling came on so strong from no where.

I hadn’t thought of you in months.

Months had gone by and I’d redirected from the foolish thoughts of someone who found you in a world half away, as the most beautiful sound came to life

So where did it come from and why and what was the point of it?

I will never understand what this was all for.

I could answer every question,

But that one remains as silent as the space between us.

The sounds of every sound between us, the space that grows.

I just wanted that piece of this puzzle I hate, the puzzle of love I wanted to change the world with,

The puzzle I gave up on when it all came and went.

How does it feel to know you crushed the dreams of someone in your hands?

To look down on them and judge them for everything and make the decision they were not only not worth your time but not worth gracing with your words?

Bringing the gavel down and judging whatever as whatever without ever reaching out to talk about it?

What was it like to know you held a life in your hand that merely begged for acknowledgement to make all of it worth living through,

And you crushed it along with the dream.

You watched it fall apart and fragment and break and shatter and all the facets that tried to keep it all together entirely alone.

The pieces that told their stories to keep time going so that tomorrow could be good for something so yesterday could have meaning.

You simply turned your head, chose not to see.

You simply forgot the name and erased me and moved on and I have to live with it.

Watching as the love notes and letters became self hate notes and self destructive whirlpools of confusion and doubt.

I showed up and gave you power over everything, immediately, I was at your mercy.

And now you’re waiting for me to go and do it, you know what it is, so you can show it to me.

As long as I live on only in nothing and knowing without knowing or understanding

And I begged you, I said I couldn’t take it, I told you I was breaking,

And now I can’t even get the ending I need to make it all go away, explained as a trick of the mind and it never happened and you,

You won.

I can’t even do that.

And I will never love myself, because my self lost me my one life line.

I will never love anyone else as much as I let myself love you. I trusted you to accept me, I will never make that mistake again.

And in the end of it all this is not the same step I started from,

I am farther back than I ever was.

You pushed me.

I never knew the silence could be so strong.