Elucidating Questions

Do you remember, remember the days, we used to run like wild things through the woods

Do you remember, remember when it started, when you turned your back on me?

Do I expect a call asking for help or do I expect nothing?

Do you remember the days of a small town in the middle of no where where children played safe and free?

Are the memories pouring or boring?

And the holes in them.

It’s the moments of green left far behind and scraped knees and the accidents of youth.

It’s the sunsets of the past that were loved in the feelings of an endless tomorrow.

Being forced out wasn’t what was the worst, the worst was being slowly but surely demoted.

When we became strangers.

Those are the moments that make the anxious searching harder,

When we do meet again, I want you to know I do still love you.

Isn’t it the most important that regardless of these things they can be forgotten.

Saw so many potential grudges, but couldn’t keep them long enough.

It just needs to be remembered,

That I go back there because I miss my family.

I’m still just hanging on this cloud on your every word.

Every word I see is what makes the days worth living.

Will you see me?

When I wander across the line without a plan without knowing exactly why or where or what.

Except I want to see the beach. I want to see it.

Will you see me?

Could you see me?

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just a ghost or if someone would really welcome such a mess with open arms,

But I just want to go. I will lose my mind, if I have to stay in this box.

I went from the person who never breaks promises to the one who breaks them left and right but the need to be anywhere,

Anywhere else.

Wanting to feel something solid, yet not solid. Something somewhere.

Can I hope to see you?

Maybe we can start again.

If I whisper

Help I am here I am lost

Who will hear besides the wind the whisper pours into?

Will it be carried until it is a scream to the ears of someone who can find me, or do the words fall from lips and settle in the sand.

The glass has to break some time and the ticking clock, the cracked wall, it has to come down.

There has to be a way around it.

Beyond trying to explain my case like a witness testifying or a guilty party taking the stand.

Not guilty

I close my eyes and try to sort through days of memories and words spoken and written that cannot be remembered does someone else remember so I can?

So I can explain what I have forgotten.

If we met, what would you do? Because I think I would finally, finally, have no more words to cry out.

The fear of singing back, fear of wrath.

Faking happy on the outside while the inside is

Just a stormy day every day it storms

And I’ve tried to hold on but he pushed away and I know why and it just hurts.

It just hurts.

Falling in love with these beautiful people who don’t see me as I see them

Don’t miss me like I miss them

Don’t reach out for me like I reach for them.

I only wish the sun could fall and be a person, that Mercury could sit beside me and laugh.

They won’t come close, they won’t hear me sing, they won’t bend in the slightest

I am so tired of thinking

I’m so tired.

Trading for a wish that wouldn’t be true.

Into the well of darkness,

Still don’t know how I’m supposed to be better off alone alone all alone

Every day getting over being alone.

What can I make of what I have?

What do I have now?

A room.

I had hope we could be something, faith we could be something, I stubbornly thought we could be something

Even though you said over and over we couldn’t but I hoped.

I did and now I don’t think I can do such a stupid thing anymore.

Every morning starts the same with neither of the people I want to wake up beside

One disregards me, one I don’t know.

I don’t understand why.

Hope leads to heartbreak.

There are people who can hope,

I don’t think I am one of those people.

I had hope.

I thought so many things.

I know only one silent secret,

Perhaps it is the reason I am alone.

So I cast you out, those who would laugh at me and turn away, those who would have wrong done to me,

I say to the emptiness, but the eyes locked on the true monster of my waking the anxiety that grips every second

I cast you out,

But his brother doubt whispers into my mind, but what if the fears are true and they are real and we are just trying to help you

They whisper as fears are turned up and superimposed onto images of what could be the future

When the future is but the words that scream earlier being returned in a jumble.

Will they exercise for me as I have been forced by them to exorcise myself to keep me safe.

The traumas whisper things that happened inviting themselves in in moments unwelcome,

Even when there’s nothing there.

Being alone just makes it worse,

Just makes it harder

Every moment alone to the thoughts ticks back

Back to the moments I was had without knowing what that meant.

Working in chorus, confusing the real, daring to forget how to feel to close in to give in

And sometimes the pain is real,

They take advantage of my hospitality staying in my mind and my body far longer than ever needed.

To cast them out if it could be so easy,

These three that keep me raw and bruised every day, so searching for comfort

For a way to cope on the backs of the impossible that could be possible and that which could be simple or complex.

To try to throw them on a scramble as the mind thinks on and calculates something.

I shouldn’t become them, but I do, I become them and I should fight harder,

But every day fighting leaves it broken and tired and…

Trying to find words in the words of someone who inspires me every day to try not to say…

And when I become them, if I become these demons I fight,

It takes time to put back on the light when they have been pushing down for so long.

I cast you out I scream every time, before they pounce again.

So much to have been lost as the anxiety tears and the trauma reminds and the body crumbles.

With every breath I take I want to show him that this world was worth it,

That in the end doesn’t have to mean that anymore that someone can beat it while

Acknowledging what has been lost to these demons I turn into in the lowest moments.

These monsters beneath my skin that have eyes for no one but me.

And when I lose their games I am the one who loses in the end.

They steal all your hope and pawn it off on cheap ringers to come back at you with later.

They do.

I want to be a reminder to stay but sometimes I lose to my own terrible things too.

Sometimes I need a hand up when I’ve fallen.

Sometimes I don’t know what to do anymore.

I call them names, I belittle them, I listen to them, I humour them, I accept them

Sometimes it feels as though all I am these days

Is a fight for my life.