Elucidating Questions

Your silence steals my time.

In an illinguical sense.

It’s the realisation that I can but don’t want to but can but wish I didn’t have to do it on my own

Every day.

In time spent waiting for something good that was begged for pled for,

It just seems to bleed into itself and weigh each other and keep the balance

The wave of time and the scream of death.

Inbetween them they show each what and who each is, but don’t dare hurt her,

And if you hurt him or her the wave will fall

That illogical, irreplaceable, interplanetary whisper.

I do it by myself,

But I wish I didn’t have to.

Three days.

Of silence.

It’s sick.

I wish you could see how awful opening my eyes is when you’re not with me.

I get letters from people who won’t tell me anything once my eyes are open.

Yeah that’s why I said as I read it.

But I don’t want to anymore.

See people who won’t see me.

I miss you.

Why aren’t you here with me when there’s nothing I need more than you?

Waking up is bitter. Air is bitter. Everything on this side of the line is nothing I wanted.

I missed the chance to kiss you and tell you I need you and it’s because I never know

I should have known.

I miss you.

Waking up wasn’t worth it.

Please show up, please be somewhere, please see me

I miss you.

Clinging to dreams because you were there and I love you, and every day that goes by without you is a waste I am so tired of wasting

I wish I had remembered that daylight was coming so that I could have stayed with you longer.

Unwelcome alarms of daylight and today and waking.

I already miss you.

I already regret not telling you that every second apart is killing what is left of my heart.

I don’t know the reason for life without you, I don’t know why dreams are the only place I’m allowed to see you.

I don’t know why the only way I can be is asleep.

I wish I could wake up with you beside me, instead of clinging to the threads of dreams as they fade to nothing.

Do you love me?

You said yes.

The alarm cut me off before I could say,

I love you too. I miss you every day. I wish you were here with me.

I wish I didn’t have to lose you every time I open my eyes.

I was a buried treasure but I rotted and swept away into dust.

Nothingness.

I was reaching out to say I was trapped and couldn’t get out

They turned away.

But it’s truly my fault for offering my heart

Truly my fault for offering at all.

It’s all gathered in the sand at the bottom of the ocean.

The only remaining safe place is the keys of one so far away it wouldn’t ever matter if I could answer with him

I fought tooth and nail.

Or someone else fought tooth and nail.

I don’t care anymore about myself enough to point fingers at people for blame there isn’t any

It’s all just failure after failure after failure

I don’t care anymore.

It’s all my failure in a whirlpool of words that don’t matter any more than any other words

They’re just useless thoughts of how I feel

How I feel

Doesn’t matter anymore.

I don’t care.

It’s the beginning of day two of silence which presses in on all sides.

Filled with sounds until there is sound from someone else.

Wishing I still knew how to believe in love

When every morning is after the fever breaks.

The fever of the dreams leaking into never being remembered.

Back into the cold of a morning that wasn’t wanted anyway.

Being told to give a damn when it wouldn’t make a difference one way or the other.

I’m not breaking I’m still broken.

I never healed I just remembered

How to act.

When playing pretend that everything is well when it isn’t.

When going through the day and pretending I don’t fear every hand that touches and every person that is.

If I feel it is it real?

If I feel it but no one acknowledges it is it real?

If no one believes me

I didn’t have some place to go.

Being told to shut your mouth when it’s already shut.

Wanting to be wanted and coming up with imaginary reasons you could be wanted

Reaching out to someone for help and the line is dead.

Losing ever piece of self and seeing how they shut you out

I’d like to leave.

If there was an option I’d be gone.

Being unneeded and pretending up reasons to be needed.

I fade away and no one notices.

I don’t know what I expect every day

Waking up and trying something again

And it’s tomorrow now,

But the day went by in silence.

It doesn’t matter how many piece it’s in,

I hold it out to people to see if they could accept it as is

It’s torn and ripped it’s burning it hurts it isn’t beautiful it’s not good enough

They don’t want it

All they told me was that they don’t want it

I can see

I’m only one of millions

And it’s not good enough to be me.