Elucidating Questions

The only thing about tears is that no one is affected.

No one sees them.

I don’t do anything else. Every thought just makes more tears.

Hiding away from thought in the place where I can be feel nothing brings out the terrible.

My options are to cry or to be done.

If I feel the pain I feel and acknowledge that no one would help me, not then or now or ever

I just want to die in this hole I fell into.

It’s all I want so I’m not afraid.

I wonder if he got to the same point,

Or if by living I’m proving I can do it or I’m just being selfish.

I hear his voice even when it’s not part of the song,

I wanted to believe he was taking care and watching

But if this is all nothing

Then no one is watching

And I just want to go to a place where I never have to wake up again.

If I could reach you now beyond the guilt and the shame,

If expressing myself didn’t feel like it was manipulation or forcing.

If I could let you know that I still feel the same…

It still wouldn’t mean a thing.

Even if I could be everything you wanted,

I’d never be everything you need.

And even though you were everything I ever dreamt of,

You could never feel the same.

Thousands of letters and love notes never sent and a hand full that were.

Trying to whisper love when all I did was tear

My own heart to shreds as I realised my love was unworthy.

All I have left are ashes,

That turn to sand.

As I walked along this never ending road I stopped him,

I said, can you hold my broken heart?

I didn’t think he could fix it, I’d seen that bandaids never helped,

Telling me to write on the feeling just makes me volitile and the pain shouldn’t be said

It’s broken, and I don’t know how to put it back together anymore.

I wanted Queen to be again, something old in something new.

Too much pressure. I feel like I can’t breathe.

At the very least I wanted to know him,

But even that,

Was beyond me.

There’s no where else for me to hide in plain sight and there’s no where I can go and feel whole.

The place I went to hide is so far away.

I know it doesn’t matter, but if I could make it clear while never involving anyone,

I’d do it.

When I try to hide he creeps into my thoughts like a cancer and I can’t take it any more.

If I let my mind wanders all roads lead back to him and it just makes me hate myself more.

Every day that goes by I realise that I must have done something entirely unforgivable, but I don’t remember what and when I stopped to look back it was gone and now it’s gone

I wanted to be allowed to love him, but who gives up happiness for happiness?

How could I explain?

I love someone enough to give up the biggest part of me, but no one would believe that’s a good thing

But I know the story

If I could do it and say it was for him he would be happy.

If only it was as simple as finding a dagger.

I miss having a family and feeling like I belonged there.

I miss people knowing my name and wanting to say it

I miss hugging my mum and feeling like I was home every time

I miss having a dad who was always just kind of the person who seemed to notice stuff

I miss having siblings who talked to me about nothing and everything and having tea for no reason

I miss being a part

Of that world.

I miss feeling like the whole world was under my feet and I could get there if I wanted to

I miss not knowing what was around any corner but feeling safe because I was safe

I miss the feeling of watching the countryside fly past as the world outside slid from view

I miss having cats all around and having a family even though there were no words for it

I miss how we all just fell into conversations about anything

I miss how when I stopped and took a breath I could look around and see I did that, and I got there, and I was worth being sent

I miss feeling like I was worth being sent even when I missed my family and homesickness came in

I miss putting together my home in a list and turning to it now and then

But I miss feeling like there was a place I belonged.

I lit a candle for you, I am too far away to prove that I mean it, but I do.

I lit a candle and didn’t know why all the means showed up today to do it, but I did it and it makes me think of you.

I’m sorry.

It’s all I can think, after all it’s today and I have to.

But it didn’t mean enough and I’m sorry.

Some day I hope to be good enough.

I’ll be here if it means you get to enjoy and feel and be happy.

I’ll try.

Happy birthday.

You’ll never believe me, but I still love you.