Elucidating Questions

I was a buried treasure but I rotted and swept away into dust.

Nothingness.

I was reaching out to say I was trapped and couldn’t get out

They turned away.

But it’s truly my fault for offering my heart

Truly my fault for offering at all.

It’s all gathered in the sand at the bottom of the ocean.

The only remaining safe place is the keys of one so far away it wouldn’t ever matter if I could answer with him

I fought tooth and nail.

Or someone else fought tooth and nail.

I don’t care anymore about myself enough to point fingers at people for blame there isn’t any

It’s all just failure after failure after failure

I don’t care anymore.

It’s all my failure in a whirlpool of words that don’t matter any more than any other words

They’re just useless thoughts of how I feel

How I feel

Doesn’t matter anymore.

I don’t care.

It’s the beginning of day two of silence which presses in on all sides.

Filled with sounds until there is sound from someone else.

Wishing I still knew how to believe in love

When every morning is after the fever breaks.

The fever of the dreams leaking into never being remembered.

Back into the cold of a morning that wasn’t wanted anyway.

Being told to give a damn when it wouldn’t make a difference one way or the other.

I’m not breaking I’m still broken.

I never healed I just remembered

How to act.

When playing pretend that everything is well when it isn’t.

When going through the day and pretending I don’t fear every hand that touches and every person that is.

If I feel it is it real?

If I feel it but no one acknowledges it is it real?

If no one believes me

I didn’t have some place to go.

Being told to shut your mouth when it’s already shut.

Wanting to be wanted and coming up with imaginary reasons you could be wanted

Reaching out to someone for help and the line is dead.

Losing ever piece of self and seeing how they shut you out

I’d like to leave.

If there was an option I’d be gone.

Being unneeded and pretending up reasons to be needed.

I fade away and no one notices.

I don’t know what I expect every day

Waking up and trying something again

And it’s tomorrow now,

But the day went by in silence.

It doesn’t matter how many piece it’s in,

I hold it out to people to see if they could accept it as is

It’s torn and ripped it’s burning it hurts it isn’t beautiful it’s not good enough

They don’t want it

All they told me was that they don’t want it

I can see

I’m only one of millions

And it’s not good enough to be me.

When you join a country to agree to follow the rules of that country.

When you are born in a country you are required to follow the rules.

A world where all children are taught as they grow up the rules of their country and how to follow them, they are taught the rules of the other countries as well.

A world where a child who wishes to pursue new rules is encouraged to seek out a place they belong

A world where at the age of majority they can choose freely to leave their country for another.

A world where these countries are all painted as idyllic and one child chooses to move to a place with rules more suited to them

And lands only to find the world they have landed in is far different than they expected.

They cannot turn back.

If you feel unimportant realise you are aware enough to realise importance.

Imagine you are part of the people that hold up the sky.

If you feel invisible realise that you see other people enough to see them not seeing you.

Imagine you are not alone, simply because I am here and if I am not,

Imagine me beside you because I knew how you feel, and a part of me is watching.

A part of the yellow that remains is watching you too.

If you feel like there’s no tomorrow,

Realise that you have enough on your mind to feel that there isn’t. That others feel it too and I know,

The sun never turns off.

If you wish there was no tomorrow,

I hope one thing happens to make you hope there is.

Even if it doesn’t,

I hope you have the strength to carry your piece of the sky,

Because the hole in my heart gets bigger

As every star

Every light

Every love

Every life

That falls takes a piece of the family that is mankind

With it.

They wondered why, but they don’t know my name. They haven’t properly met me yet, they don’t know this one.

I’ve been calling, but guilt

And I’ve been trying to break through, but guilt

Tell me when they feel guilty do you feel pain?

Tell me, do you always feel guilty?

Tell me why did you draw a circle without any of the good things that you could feel when with someone and

Then become so bitter when the circle was broken and then, leave them standing in the dark.

Don’t think I can’t taste it I am too old to not taste it to not feel that tone or hear it are you not surprised that all I see is users

Are you not surprised that all this old one can see is

You don’t understand the magic, you’re scared.

You don’t understand why, and you’re scared.

I told you I’m too old.

I know you’re scared.

Have you ever lain in your bed and shrunk away from the air as tears stream down and been so scared of everything

Have you ever realised where you were being led and managed to get to the point of it and realised

It failed last time.

Have you ever looked down in the masses that wait for a word of something

Of whoever

Of whatever

And realised, nothing they say is anything they want to hear

Have you ever stared down into those faces that go on for miles and wondered how could you possibly reach them all

With the core

With the one word that is always on all of their lips

Love

No one not one even when the messenger isn’t speaking to the warrior and the judge isn’t listening to time or music or time isn’t listening to the watchers

Love.

Love.

Love

Damn it love.

And she sits under my feet and she whispers,

Do you love me?

And I whisper back, yes.

But when I run home I go straight to the sky.

Because I realised,

That by changing what love meant, and making it hollow

Or attached to rules or strings or anything

When love is love

It is an intangible feeling that should be expressed and shown,

But they broke it.

Hid the loudest part of it, the only part I would dare to repeat,

No one ever tried to learn how to love.

It’s the only way I know how to teach.

And if you ask how could I know or personify or speak as something or someone or anything so old,

Because I’m older than that.

And because all they can do is write about how much it hurts.

Look at all those notes you left for not yourself but him, if he was reading it.

Just in case.

Because you wanted to warn him,

It was happening again.

And it doesn’t matter if you take the music away, the sun is still on

The sky still rose with the moon the sun still rose with the messenger

The ocean still sat at the edge and watched as

The warrior the hourglass the scythe and the judge were

In a line

And they all said

Love.

But I am very old

The pain in the spine and the weight of the wings and the things that say

Well you know

Anything

Everything

It gets so very tiring sitting alone in silence and making friends with memories

While leaving out your own for you know it will wake them

It gets very heavy,

Holding on to a sentence that goes on for miles and never seems to end.

Soon you begin to wonder

Where did the sense go?

Where is the reason?

Well, if neither has been found

Then neither exist.

Do they?