Elucidating Questions

I let it win so many times,

Like a gun firing no matter how my common sense

Screamed stop.

Screamed don’t do it.

Screamed you’ll end up hurting yourself.

I let it win and fell hopelessly,

And when I looked up she was there to greet me so I thought

That’s how it must be and I tried helplessly

But it kept washing it away like if the moment felt like it was right it must be so I

Fired away.

And didn’t realise all I was firing was shots that would be returned not in the condition I ment to send them in

Instead every one would come back to haunt me because

He’s right, of course he is,

That no one would know what to do with me.

That upon receipt it would never turn out.

I can’t let it win anymore,

I can’t let it show.

It’s not safe to let anyone know.

Inside it hurts like the hole just grows bigger but

I can pretend in the face of anyone.

I can’t fall again, I can’t let it happen.

I’ll just end up with a head full of hurt and a heart full of holes.

This is what you get when you let your heart win.

一日中

永遠に行く。

仕方がない。

流れる時間。

星空見かけ、

何もない町、

自分がないママ。

心が痛い。

The wolf agrees.

I am a lost cause.

He feels bad for you.

Every night I stand on this corner.

Stalling.

Stalling.

Not wanting to go to the next if it means more and more of this.

Waiting for nothing, inhaling exhaling.

If they are out I stand under and talk up as if they listen.

Imminence is a feeling,

The pain is a feeling.

The sky cries as if it heard.

Just a bit of rain.

This pain hasn’t gone for a while

If I had better words for a fact I can’t remember

I can’t remember

Fun.

Home.

Family.

Or love.

Not from the here.

The rains keeps falling,

Because I don’t want to go back and I can’t find my way alone.

Clouds over head, ground below.

Why doesn’t he see the hole?

I think he didn’t go as far as I am.

My heart hidden in the nova,

Next to the dream.

I followed these maps,

But those who wrote them didn’t know where they led,

I lost mine.

Somewhere the centre, somewhere the outside.

Jumping into the blackness is not scary for a spirit, they never die.

If I could escape I would dance through the cosmos.

I know now what I never did:

Finding “the one”, when everything happens in threes.

But, did you count the trillions, the billions and billions and billions of possible lives.

Somewhere out there.

I wonder what I look like in his dreams.

The pull of the yearning in my broken heart,

So far away.

I wish I could come to you.

It’s the same.

Not worse.

Not better.

It’s the same.

One foot in front of the other

Move along

Etcetera.

But it’s meaningless.

I still have no meaning.

I never should have let my heart win but I still don’t understand why I thought anything would work

I still don’t understand how I could do this to myself.

I should have thought ahead,

I woke up in January thinking I should send love to the past to help myself for all of the times I wanted to die and had no one

I should send love to others incase they feel like they had no one

I had this feeling

I was a fool.

I wish I could go back and drown all the hope and the love and the

Trust

I could vomit.

Trust me

Words not for me

And I believed them anyways.

I wish I’d never got this far.

When we burnt it down, lit it from both ends,

We weren’t trying to hide evidence or our face we

Didn’t want to be ignored anymore

So tired of I told you so

When we always hated I told you so.

There are things we now miss because those were our map.

We deleted our map.

We learnt that people are not the best to be trusted with your darkside

Especially when they don’t speak the same internal language

We know what speechless sounds like

We know what silence tastes like.

It’s still on my tongue, the words unsaid because no one said

And now I know what I wanted to hear, from go from start from where do we start?

All I want to hear is,

I don’t blame you.

Because that’s all I ever say to anyone.

Because I always blame myself.

Because once upon a time I was a small child and daddy told me

It was always my fault.

They think I am calling myself the victim, as I separate and stare out into nothing

What I’m whispering to myself

Is I blame me. I blame me I blame me I blame me

I

I wanted to hear someone say, I don’t blame you

So maybe I could try to do the same.

Hey, I wasn’t trying to blame you I was trying to say I was hurting.

Hey, I don’t blame you.

Do you blame me?