Elucidating Questions

There’s no where else for me to hide in plain sight and there’s no where I can go and feel whole.

The place I went to hide is so far away.

I know it doesn’t matter, but if I could make it clear while never involving anyone,

I’d do it.

When I try to hide he creeps into my thoughts like a cancer and I can’t take it any more.

If I let my mind wanders all roads lead back to him and it just makes me hate myself more.

Every day that goes by I realise that I must have done something entirely unforgivable, but I don’t remember what and when I stopped to look back it was gone and now it’s gone

I wanted to be allowed to love him, but who gives up happiness for happiness?

How could I explain?

I love someone enough to give up the biggest part of me, but no one would believe that’s a good thing

But I know the story

If I could do it and say it was for him he would be happy.

If only it was as simple as finding a dagger.

I miss having a family and feeling like I belonged there.

I miss people knowing my name and wanting to say it

I miss hugging my mum and feeling like I was home every time

I miss having a dad who was always just kind of the person who seemed to notice stuff

I miss having siblings who talked to me about nothing and everything and having tea for no reason

I miss being a part

Of that world.

I miss feeling like the whole world was under my feet and I could get there if I wanted to

I miss not knowing what was around any corner but feeling safe because I was safe

I miss the feeling of watching the countryside fly past as the world outside slid from view

I miss having cats all around and having a family even though there were no words for it

I miss how we all just fell into conversations about anything

I miss how when I stopped and took a breath I could look around and see I did that, and I got there, and I was worth being sent

I miss feeling like I was worth being sent even when I missed my family and homesickness came in

I miss putting together my home in a list and turning to it now and then

But I miss feeling like there was a place I belonged.

I lit a candle for you, I am too far away to prove that I mean it, but I do.

I lit a candle and didn’t know why all the means showed up today to do it, but I did it and it makes me think of you.

I’m sorry.

It’s all I can think, after all it’s today and I have to.

But it didn’t mean enough and I’m sorry.

Some day I hope to be good enough.

I’ll be here if it means you get to enjoy and feel and be happy.

I’ll try.

Happy birthday.

You’ll never believe me, but I still love you.

Your silence steals my time.

In an illinguical sense.

It’s the realisation that I can but don’t want to but can but wish I didn’t have to do it on my own

Every day.

In time spent waiting for something good that was begged for pled for,

It just seems to bleed into itself and weigh each other and keep the balance

The wave of time and the scream of death.

Inbetween them they show each what and who each is, but don’t dare hurt her,

And if you hurt him or her the wave will fall

That illogical, irreplaceable, interplanetary whisper.

I do it by myself,

But I wish I didn’t have to.

Three days.

Of silence.

It’s sick.

I wish you could see how awful opening my eyes is when you’re not with me.

I get letters from people who won’t tell me anything once my eyes are open.

Yeah that’s why I said as I read it.

But I don’t want to anymore.

See people who won’t see me.

I miss you.

Why aren’t you here with me when there’s nothing I need more than you?

Waking up is bitter. Air is bitter. Everything on this side of the line is nothing I wanted.

I missed the chance to kiss you and tell you I need you and it’s because I never know

I should have known.

I miss you.

Waking up wasn’t worth it.

Please show up, please be somewhere, please see me

I miss you.

Clinging to dreams because you were there and I love you, and every day that goes by without you is a waste I am so tired of wasting

I wish I had remembered that daylight was coming so that I could have stayed with you longer.

Unwelcome alarms of daylight and today and waking.

I already miss you.

I already regret not telling you that every second apart is killing what is left of my heart.

I don’t know the reason for life without you, I don’t know why dreams are the only place I’m allowed to see you.

I don’t know why the only way I can be is asleep.

I wish I could wake up with you beside me, instead of clinging to the threads of dreams as they fade to nothing.

Do you love me?

You said yes.

The alarm cut me off before I could say,

I love you too. I miss you every day. I wish you were here with me.

I wish I didn’t have to lose you every time I open my eyes.