Elucidating Questions

I hope you know I don’t make promises without the intention of keeping them

But I don’t know if you saw the promise and you don’t want it anyways.

I hope you know I did want to help you, but there are thousands who can do it better and are worth far more than I will ever be.

I just figured out you didn’t want me sooner. Neglecting this category isn’t because I don’t think you’re still worth saving

Or whatever

It’s because I’m not.

There’s only two left until I have cut out all the people who I pretended wanted me when they don’t.

It was just easier to stop making a fool of myself with you.

I hope you can get back up and stand on a stage again.

I won’t be there, that I know is a wanted promise.

Trying to believe that something good was coming, it was coming any second.

You get what you need.

You don’t get what you want.

I thought it was true,

But it was never true.

You don’t get what you need, they watch and judge you and kick you out and leave you with nothing and continue to watch

If I could truly get what I need, what I need now that I have nothing left

I wouldn’t have to wake up anymore.

But here I am.

I woke up in hell again.

Everything is the same.

I want to go to sleep.

I wish I could close my eyes and sleep.

That’s what I wanted.

Tried to make it go away but it’s here every day

And the sentence for expressing is the pressing continuing silence and solitude.

Never feel.

I learned to never trust face to face how to feel with anyone they will

Spit it back at you as the cruelty you already saved for yourself.

I don’t want to be ignored

But it’s all I get.

So, if all I get is ignored

And you get what you need,

I know what I need,

But I can’t find a way out.

I dreamt I was in the forest,

Away from the places I could be found.

I dreamt of someone who wanted to talk to me,

But that same person doesn’t exist.

They all want something when I open my eyes.

I don’t want anything but connection,

But they cut me out, I’m just a loser when I open my eyes,

And if you get what you need,

I just need some time to give everyone what they want.

I couldn’t do it I tried so hard

I tried every day it was like setting it backwards before

I was searching for a reason to live and I thought I had found them and I felt like my heart was new and there was a reason and I

Selfishly desperately need a reason

I desperately tried to find a reason

The days

And the silence as I told myself reasons but they grew into lies as I tried to keep them together

They were supposed to be reasons to live.

The flip came when it wasn’t looking for reasons to live it was looking for reasons not to die

It started small, it screamed as it fought and left scars on my leg

But I still didn’t notice when it flipped and it doesn’t matter because

I still couldn’t find any.

Half on half off and it’s not like I’m not trying I’m trying like a student tried everything

I got burned as the reasons to live never became reasons not to die

I tried to out run it but it screamed and there were new scars on my arms.

And as the walls closed in smaller

And the hole grew

And the vultures grew closer and

Crying and screaming and pouting don’t work

Yelling at the ocean didn’t work

I looked everywhere for the reason

The reason to or not to

You see,

Do you see?

I ended that play,

Throw back,

But wait, back in reality

I still don’t have a reason

And I’ve run out of places to look.

The only thing I ever needed

Was a reason for why I had to do all of it

And I never found it.

It’s the one that winds and the corners where you get lost in the shadows it’s filling with water

Slowly

Filling

There’s no floor to root to or a place to hide it grows deeper and every corner is a corner that I can’t get out of

Hand on the wall but it reshapes

Arrows pointed at the drowning flower.

So here in this place.

A silent queen who watches with disinterest. I cannot meet the eye, if I did I would break.

The wisher the dreamer the one who holds flame.

And the wild creature who flies under the guise of one when it’s freedom underneath the entire mound of dirt

The one who will always be there even when I will never trust the silence

At the bottom

With the monster.

Like a collection of nothing at the bottom staring at the top.

Two unnamed somethings

One nothing

One lie

And one monster.

I know well enough there is no one beside me at the bottom.

I’m alone in the dark maze of a mountain range that goes on for miles and I don’t know where I fell from

Empathy from the bottom reaching upwards and hoping to find empathy

Finding none

The growth was nothing in the face of the void that was met.

Dependability doesn’t mean anything on the bottom

There is no one to rely on, there is no one to trust

It’s all a nightmare,

It’s all my failure.

I look up the next

Is nothing but a solitary trek through the ice and cold, the trees are the only companion I will still be alone

There is only loss. There is only despair.

Any sense of success is merely a reminder of the failure that preceded.

Patience led to nothing. Patience means more silence.

Recovery.

Alone.

I will never recover these should all be reversed there is nothing

I am at the end and I tried to climb but it never mattered

Next all there can be is more silence and moving on will never overshadow the failure behind me

I will never overcome it.

Someone better would do a better job.

The wise stand at the top of the hill with arrows in their backs

The rich get richer as they own entire human lives.

At the very top?

Failure to communicate.

After all,

All I am is a failure who can’t communicate.

I’m at the bottom and I’ll never get back up from here.

I don’t want to do it alone again.

I’d beg but ugly faces begging just makes them uglier.

It could have been something beautiful something the world had never seen and I wanted it more than anything

If only it had worked.

And now the silence starts to whisper the truth of the silence.

It’s not your problem.

And you’d rather I died anyways.

No I understand. It’s not your problem and you wouldn’t be affected if I was gone.

It’s not your problem and I may as well let go if all I have to live for is a data file

A data file with words from some complete stranger who would never see me anyhow

Your silence has said it all.

It’s not your problem

And it never will be.

If I could find a way to do what you want,

If I could give you what you want without involving anyone else

I would.

I’m just waiting.

I’m sorry you have to put up with me until then.

I’m just waiting.

I just want someone who can care about me who I can care about too

Who I can reach out to who can reach out to me

I just need to see words and hear words because it gets harder to read when all the voices inside say are

We hate you

You should hate yourself

You shouldn’t be allowed to be

When believing the ones that said otherwise

Lead to us being alone.

I just want someone who can see the mess I’m in and say

Yes, that’s a terrible mess,

Who can understand how I got here and why I got here or can understand what happened when

Two entirely conflicting thoughts hit each other and explode into fragments and they are lost between the spinning void

That’s the moment when I can’t remember or if I try to hear those words that say I’m worth it and I should have been heard I

Am afraid that believing I should be heard will make the hole bigger.

It just grows bigger.

The one thing that kept coming up and I know it was fear that asked the question but I never knew why the answer

And now you sit back and grin as if you’ve won some prize, but I’m still here.

I look again, you’ve disappeared behind the clouds and my ears ring like too many sounds in the complete

Silence

Of the electricity that I hear.

You did like I did when I didn’t and the only plausible answer is that someone changed the rules and made it

Get to

Instead of

Meet

And I wonder how many rules get broken by the judge when one who stands can’t be seen to be fit to give a testimony

Or if it’s all just one big literal nightmare.

Cars honking in the distance.

I want someone who could be with me doing something when the night creeps in and all you can think about is how many times you failed

Screaming like the blood beneath your skin as it boils and something screams in the night

Who could stand beside me when the only war I can fight is in myself with myself every day

It says something in the distance

And I want to hear anything else or have someone to hold on to

There was a man with a brown suit,

He is old.

I don’t know why and it fades in and out as I struggle to try to leave as quickly as I can without someone ever being involved unless they wanted to be

Somewhere where it’s daytime and it’s warmer than here.

I don’t know where I am anymore, or what I want to do or how I could ever get there

But if I had someone who could see the worst and realise it’s nothing compared to the best of me

Who tried to show me what that best me was instead of kicking when I’m down

This mountain I stand at the bottom of wouldn’t look so tall.

I don’t know how to get back up

If everything I had wasn’t good enough for someone