Elucidating Questions

Every night I stand on this corner.

Stalling.

Stalling.

Not wanting to go to the next if it means more and more of this.

Waiting for nothing, inhaling exhaling.

If they are out I stand under and talk up as if they listen.

Imminence is a feeling,

The pain is a feeling.

The sky cries as if it heard.

Just a bit of rain.

This pain hasn’t gone for a while

If I had better words for a fact I can’t remember

I can’t remember

Fun.

Home.

Family.

Or love.

Not from the here.

The rains keeps falling,

Because I don’t want to go back and I can’t find my way alone.

Clouds over head, ground below.

Why doesn’t he see the hole?

I think he didn’t go as far as I am.

My heart hidden in the nova,

Next to the dream.

I followed these maps,

But those who wrote them didn’t know where they led,

I lost mine.

Somewhere the centre, somewhere the outside.

Jumping into the blackness is not scary for a spirit, they never die.

If I could escape I would dance through the cosmos.

I know now what I never did:

Finding “the one”, when everything happens in threes.

But, did you count the trillions, the billions and billions and billions of possible lives.

Somewhere out there.

I wonder what I look like in his dreams.

The pull of the yearning in my broken heart,

So far away.

I wish I could come to you.

It’s the same.

Not worse.

Not better.

It’s the same.

One foot in front of the other

Move along

Etcetera.

But it’s meaningless.

I still have no meaning.

I never should have let my heart win but I still don’t understand why I thought anything would work

I still don’t understand how I could do this to myself.

I should have thought ahead,

I woke up in January thinking I should send love to the past to help myself for all of the times I wanted to die and had no one

I should send love to others incase they feel like they had no one

I had this feeling

I was a fool.

I wish I could go back and drown all the hope and the love and the

Trust

I could vomit.

Trust me

Words not for me

And I believed them anyways.

I wish I’d never got this far.

When we burnt it down, lit it from both ends,

We weren’t trying to hide evidence or our face we

Didn’t want to be ignored anymore

So tired of I told you so

When we always hated I told you so.

There are things we now miss because those were our map.

We deleted our map.

We learnt that people are not the best to be trusted with your darkside

Especially when they don’t speak the same internal language

We know what speechless sounds like

We know what silence tastes like.

It’s still on my tongue, the words unsaid because no one said

And now I know what I wanted to hear, from go from start from where do we start?

All I want to hear is,

I don’t blame you.

Because that’s all I ever say to anyone.

Because I always blame myself.

Because once upon a time I was a small child and daddy told me

It was always my fault.

They think I am calling myself the victim, as I separate and stare out into nothing

What I’m whispering to myself

Is I blame me. I blame me I blame me I blame me

I

I wanted to hear someone say, I don’t blame you

So maybe I could try to do the same.

Hey, I wasn’t trying to blame you I was trying to say I was hurting.

Hey, I don’t blame you.

Do you blame me?

If I could set you alight like you set me and show you

Show you I trusted you in silence with every fibre of my being

Would you walk on by?

Do you even recall my name?

I watched from so far away, this call that I would like to answer.

I still don’t have a reason, but.

Holding on only because I have this notion of this feeling of this someone that won’t leave me alone

There’s no way around it,

It happens to me too,

Suddenly it’s about him,

And the old words sting sometimes when I see connections.

I want a place to start too

Is there any word that would fit?

All I want to do is have another moment that could never exist

Because he points and says

I told you so.

And I know when it is and isn’t I can hear it.

It’s not about me either,

But the title says it all

This after the trauma that I fight or the hole I drown in I

Found the wolf in New York

I don’t know why it connected there,

I can’t get everything right that would be too easy,

But none of this has been easy, has it?

Don’t be stupid

The frustrated light in the end says

You know it’s not what they want it’s what the monsters want

But if that was true,

Why do I still feel like he’s not forgiving me for something

As the quiet messenger sits and watches,

Knowing I can’t believe anything I hear and that the feelings scare me because I don’t want to believe that it’s real anymore

If it is I’m going to fall apart alone.

The question was

Do you believe in me

And the answer was yes but

I’m afraid accepting the feeling I get would make me exactly who I wanted to see.

Some copy.

Or a similar soul

Awkward laughter

He only wants me to keep your promise.

I’ve given up fighting.

I just write what it wants to hear.

It never mattered how much I had have whatever if I do now it’s just as not worth it as it was then

There’s no home to go to, and no one is calling me maybe

There’s no last call

There’s no answer

The question was who do you

Not who does you

I won’t say the word it just dirties the perfect words I ruined.

I ruined beautiful songs with my disgusting unwanted nothing feelings

The question is still answered it’s just silent and I will never be enough regardless of the answer.

I could post it publicly

No one would continue calling me in the silence of this nothing that is what I must deserve

It’s my punishment.

Pain, silence, and solitude.

The music doesn’t heal anymore

It just reminds me of everyone I wanted to think I was good enough to speak to

I want to die.

Who do I love?

I’m sorry I found it in a song that asked it on repeat and I had to answer it compulsively it just pours out and at the end of being forced to make this stupid fucking answer again

It never mattered.

All I learned

Was that I never mattered.

Neither does my answer.

I can’t fight it anymore.

Maybe I’ll wake up later and feel like I am worth something

But I don’t
Not today.