Elucidating Questions

When we burnt it down, lit it from both ends,

We weren’t trying to hide evidence or our face we

Didn’t want to be ignored anymore

So tired of I told you so

When we always hated I told you so.

There are things we now miss because those were our map.

We deleted our map.

We learnt that people are not the best to be trusted with your darkside

Especially when they don’t speak the same internal language

We know what speechless sounds like

We know what silence tastes like.

It’s still on my tongue, the words unsaid because no one said

And now I know what I wanted to hear, from go from start from where do we start?

All I want to hear is,

I don’t blame you.

Because that’s all I ever say to anyone.

Because I always blame myself.

Because once upon a time I was a small child and daddy told me

It was always my fault.

They think I am calling myself the victim, as I separate and stare out into nothing

What I’m whispering to myself

Is I blame me. I blame me I blame me I blame me

I

I wanted to hear someone say, I don’t blame you

So maybe I could try to do the same.

Hey, I wasn’t trying to blame you I was trying to say I was hurting.

Hey, I don’t blame you.

Do you blame me?

If I could set you alight like you set me and show you

Show you I trusted you in silence with every fibre of my being

Would you walk on by?

Do you even recall my name?

I watched from so far away, this call that I would like to answer.

I still don’t have a reason, but.

Holding on only because I have this notion of this feeling of this someone that won’t leave me alone

There’s no way around it,

It happens to me too,

Suddenly it’s about him,

And the old words sting sometimes when I see connections.

I want a place to start too

Is there any word that would fit?

All I want to do is have another moment that could never exist

Because he points and says

I told you so.

And I know when it is and isn’t I can hear it.

It’s not about me either,

But the title says it all

This after the trauma that I fight or the hole I drown in I

Found the wolf in New York

I don’t know why it connected there,

I can’t get everything right that would be too easy,

But none of this has been easy, has it?

Don’t be stupid

The frustrated light in the end says

You know it’s not what they want it’s what the monsters want

But if that was true,

Why do I still feel like he’s not forgiving me for something

As the quiet messenger sits and watches,

Knowing I can’t believe anything I hear and that the feelings scare me because I don’t want to believe that it’s real anymore

If it is I’m going to fall apart alone.

The question was

Do you believe in me

And the answer was yes but

I’m afraid accepting the feeling I get would make me exactly who I wanted to see.

Some copy.

Or a similar soul

Awkward laughter

He only wants me to keep your promise.

I’ve given up fighting.

I just write what it wants to hear.

It never mattered how much I had have whatever if I do now it’s just as not worth it as it was then

There’s no home to go to, and no one is calling me maybe

There’s no last call

There’s no answer

The question was who do you

Not who does you

I won’t say the word it just dirties the perfect words I ruined.

I ruined beautiful songs with my disgusting unwanted nothing feelings

The question is still answered it’s just silent and I will never be enough regardless of the answer.

I could post it publicly

No one would continue calling me in the silence of this nothing that is what I must deserve

It’s my punishment.

Pain, silence, and solitude.

The music doesn’t heal anymore

It just reminds me of everyone I wanted to think I was good enough to speak to

I want to die.

Who do I love?

I’m sorry I found it in a song that asked it on repeat and I had to answer it compulsively it just pours out and at the end of being forced to make this stupid fucking answer again

It never mattered.

All I learned

Was that I never mattered.

Neither does my answer.

I can’t fight it anymore.

Maybe I’ll wake up later and feel like I am worth something

But I don’t
Not today.

I hope you know I don’t make promises without the intention of keeping them

But I don’t know if you saw the promise and you don’t want it anyways.

I hope you know I did want to help you, but there are thousands who can do it better and are worth far more than I will ever be.

I just figured out you didn’t want me sooner. Neglecting this category isn’t because I don’t think you’re still worth saving

Or whatever

It’s because I’m not.

There’s only two left until I have cut out all the people who I pretended wanted me when they don’t.

It was just easier to stop making a fool of myself with you.

I hope you can get back up and stand on a stage again.

I won’t be there, that I know is a wanted promise.

Trying to believe that something good was coming, it was coming any second.

You get what you need.

You don’t get what you want.

I thought it was true,

But it was never true.

You don’t get what you need, they watch and judge you and kick you out and leave you with nothing and continue to watch

If I could truly get what I need, what I need now that I have nothing left

I wouldn’t have to wake up anymore.

But here I am.

I woke up in hell again.

Everything is the same.

I want to go to sleep.

I wish I could close my eyes and sleep.

That’s what I wanted.

Tried to make it go away but it’s here every day

And the sentence for expressing is the pressing continuing silence and solitude.

Never feel.

I learned to never trust face to face how to feel with anyone they will

Spit it back at you as the cruelty you already saved for yourself.

I don’t want to be ignored

But it’s all I get.

So, if all I get is ignored

And you get what you need,

I know what I need,

But I can’t find a way out.

I dreamt I was in the forest,

Away from the places I could be found.

I dreamt of someone who wanted to talk to me,

But that same person doesn’t exist.

They all want something when I open my eyes.

I don’t want anything but connection,

But they cut me out, I’m just a loser when I open my eyes,

And if you get what you need,

I just need some time to give everyone what they want.

I couldn’t do it I tried so hard

I tried every day it was like setting it backwards before

I was searching for a reason to live and I thought I had found them and I felt like my heart was new and there was a reason and I

Selfishly desperately need a reason

I desperately tried to find a reason

The days

And the silence as I told myself reasons but they grew into lies as I tried to keep them together

They were supposed to be reasons to live.

The flip came when it wasn’t looking for reasons to live it was looking for reasons not to die

It started small, it screamed as it fought and left scars on my leg

But I still didn’t notice when it flipped and it doesn’t matter because

I still couldn’t find any.

Half on half off and it’s not like I’m not trying I’m trying like a student tried everything

I got burned as the reasons to live never became reasons not to die

I tried to out run it but it screamed and there were new scars on my arms.

And as the walls closed in smaller

And the hole grew

And the vultures grew closer and

Crying and screaming and pouting don’t work

Yelling at the ocean didn’t work

I looked everywhere for the reason

The reason to or not to

You see,

Do you see?

I ended that play,

Throw back,

But wait, back in reality

I still don’t have a reason

And I’ve run out of places to look.

The only thing I ever needed

Was a reason for why I had to do all of it

And I never found it.