Elucidating Questions

I don’t want to have to chase someone

I don’t want to be who they settled for when they couldn’t have their number one

I want someone to pick me out of a crowd and go

It’s you

I want to be special to someone

But I don’t feel particularly special

I know I’m worthy of love

Or at least I’m telling myself that right now

But I don’t know if I’m worthy of the love I imagine in my fantasies

In my day dreams

Or the kind I imagined for myself in my psychosis

Something though

Cracks like thunder, but who knows what, echo out into the night

Just something

Because here I am again

It’s dark at 8 because the Sun is going away again and I’m alone

The day closes so quickly

And then quicker

How I dread those long night hours

In that place only I know

The place where I am

I want to share it with someone

I don’t want to look up at the sky alone anymore

The cab driver was so nice

I’m always in a rush

Constantly trying to save other people time having to deal with me

He kept telling me to take my time

I definitely almost face planted, walker and all, trying to get to his car

Curbs are the devil

Whomever invented curbs

Anyways

I just had a sneeze that instead became a yawn

Ass hole body

It was that he wasn’t in a rush

People are always in a rush

Take your timeか

The words of a book from long ago

Do things like yourself, take your time

These things that were signs in my life that I purposely missed

少しずつ戻って来る

Ah, were these things for me after all?

And I pretended they were for the characters and not me

The someone in my dreams

They were there again last night

I didn’t think anyone else would

Care for me today

I thought that dreams were all I’d have

I wrote him a review, because that’s what you do when people are great

So kind

One thing I’ve noticed so far

It’s that cab drivers seem to take my disability seriously, even when I’m not riding handydart

I don’t feel like they’re over estimating my abilities

For instance I haven’t had one cabby assume I can collapse my walker on my own

They always put it in the back for me, but they also collapse it for me

This guy, he made sure my walker was at the door to the taxi so I could immediately put my stuff in the basket instead of carrying it around

Just little things

Isn’t it great when someone is considerate?

It just feels great

Like, I feel seen and it was just a guy telling me to slow down and being considerate

That’s all it takes

I’m so easy to please, and yet

Maybe I’m selfish

I immediately worry about the next time I’ll feel like this

Maybe it’s like an animal with compulsive eating after being starved

Constantly worrying where the next meal will be

When is the next time I will feel like a person?

For a moment I was worthy of good treatment

It was nice

Actually I’ve had good luck recently

Most people have been decent

I don’t know if knowing I deserve better changes anything

But I do, I deserve to have people treat me like I’m working too hard for others

Because so often I am

This rain is lovely

I didn’t want to go to my appointment today

I’m glad I dragged my sorry ass up and did

I just had daifuku for the first time in forever

You know that lady?

The cleaning one

Marie Kondo I think

She says “sparks joy”

That is what putting this in my mouth did

Immediate glee

I miss Japanese food

Like made in Japan

The daifuku was so good though

They never quite get the mochi chewy enough though

It’s supposed to like stick

I helped a bunch of preschoolers make mochi once

The little girl who called me 兄ちゃん

Oh my heart

I hope she’s well somewhere

I hope all those kids that were in elementary school

With the earthquake and tsunami haunting their eyes

Grew up well

I wish I could go there representing something again

I guess I’m stuck with grocery store daifuku

And memories

I don’t know what I’d do without my mum

She knows so much about my disease already, having lived with it longer than me

And that’s awful

But she’s still this kind, gentle person

Unless you mess with her kids

She gave me the tools to question Christianity

Question everything, really

I miss our long talks

I miss hanging out in the kitchen with her when she’s baking or cooking

I miss her hugs

They’ve always had a warmth to them

I never told anyone this but I used to pray every night that everyone

My friends and family and their friends and family and so on out and out and out

Would be safe and happy

I used to try to make sure I said I love you to my parents at least once a day so they always knew

These habits faded as I grew, and I no longer believed in one god

And I started beginning depressed

And sometimes it feels like she resents when I’m suicidal

But she’s been there for me more than anyone else in my life

She’s loved me when I didn’t love me

She’s supported me when I’ve been awful and desperate

I don’t know if she quite grasps the depth of my solitude

But she tries

And I’m sure if she was well, and still driving, she would come visit me

Unlike everyone else

This disease really takes from you

And I never quite grasped that before

She’s still doing her best for all of her kids in spite of the taking

She has taken everything the world threw at her and still ended up a kind person

And she’s not as radical as me

But she probably set me becoming like this in to motion

She raised an inquisitive, questioning, overly bright kid

I was definitely not an easy kid

She’s just this amazing person

And I wish I could be half as great as she is

The night was always my element

Wandering the darkness

Nights of being alive

Now the night opens up early

And I must dive in

Hoping for messages that make sense

Who were they?

Why do I have to tell you?

Sifting through dust

The shards of my dreams

The light is to bright for them in the day

Right under the triangle

Won’t you wish someone into life for me?

Ah

そう

Does this sky even continue to where you are?

Would I recognise it if I looked up?

It slips away

Never reaching

Fluttering away like the Wind

I thought I knew who you were

But wouldn’t you reach for me too?

Oh

Sometimes the answer is a bit too nuanced

If them it’s over

Here’s their adjacent

What does that mean?

It’s my decision

How does that make sense?

I keep seeing light

Silence

Doesn’t explain anything

Searching the skies for signs of life

Because I can’t find any down here

And my memory

Every conversation melts away

Soon it’s gone and I’m left alone again

And I suppose I could say I need someone

But existing without

I’m doing it, right?

I was right

The loneliness

Seeps into the cracks

The withdrawal from socialisation

Doing fine

Loneliness is just a condition

I’ve been feeling busy today

Like I’ve done a lot of stuff

This is not true

My body just feels like it

Didn’t go to work today

Thanked myself with I had to sleep until 11

This body

Does not meet expectations

I’m so exhausted all the time

Like this weight in my bones

I want to be present for someone

But there’s no one to be present for

I feel like I’m half awake all the day

Clinging to wakefulness

Like if I didn’t hold fast

The daylight would fade away

If I’m not careful I’m dreaming

I think it’s okay to look

At the life I didn’t get

Just for a moment

But it’s just another dream of something not real, isn’t it?

Another sign of madness

Not a sign of someone

Oh I’m never ready

Is it time for Five yet?

Maybe he’ll grant me some energy

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here all alone

But doing nothing and feeling like I had a busy day isn’t it

It’s not

I don’t know who I’m looking for

The map of the future

If I compare it to the past

I’m so afraid

Okay it’s really hard to be serious when the Poké Rap is playing

I actually remember some of it

Why is this in my playlist?

Because every once in a while it comes on and snaps me out of my gloom

Pun intended

There’s no writing on this map

That I’ve been given

To the future

But the life has returned to the Wind

Maybe all is well

And I’m just missing it from this angle