Elucidating Questions

Every time I get like this I try to tell everyone that I’m having a difficult time and every time instead of staying they leave and tell me if I stay like this it makes no one want me but then everyone’s gone and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do and fucking no one even knew about Chester and everyone wanted him, and I keep telling people I’m falling, and they tell me every time that they don’t.

But how am I supposed to get back up and have confidence in myself and think I’m worth it as a person when even when I say I am having a hard time and need someone to want me everyone says they don’t and disappears?

Everyone says they can’t help me. Everyone pulls away. Everyone goes and I just need one person once a week or maybe once every two weeks to want me. But I started with dozens and they all disappeared.

I can’t feel phone conversations. I can’t feel text messages. I can look at a picture and go there and feel the moment and experience a video and know what it’s like to be there because there is life there but I have been looking at pictures and watching videos and seeing the world through a box and I can’t do it anymore.

I needed someone to see me because I need to see someone and hear their voice and feel alive because we are both alive at the same moment.

But everybody left.

And I am so sorry, so so sorry, if you read this and it makes you sad and you’re on the other side of a screen and it makes you sad because you can’t help me,

Because I care about you. I do. I promise.

I keep waking up every day for the ones who are watching.

It’s just that I spent the first twenty years of my life staring at the world through a screen and so many people behind that screen have been ruthlessly cruel to me that I don’t trust myself to this place as much on a person to person basis but,

Text just feels like letters. And it’s so much easier to text someone than pick up the phone but…

Anyone can do letters,

The only person who has your voice and soul are you.

No,

My lady when you stand on the corner with me I cannot put on such a face.

I want you to feel beautiful so I smile in your face no matter what. I feel that you are here.

Even standing here alone with my nightlight above and you standing with me, quietly watching judge in the corner as he is rising

And the twins fall with the messenger.

My lady I smile because I love you because

Goodbye from you means only an evening

You beautiful wonderful spinning pearl.

I’m searching the skyline for you as love watches on and the moon shines through the day.

It can’t see him but I know where he is,

But he’s not who I’m looking for him I’m looking for you.

You may be setting with them behind you but I want to see you more than them.

These strange things I wrote that turned into the words that happened.

Do you come out and face me or do you hide in the sunlight?

Because I love you I love you I love you but

This whole mess,

Started with you so.

I think at the very least you should show me your face before I have to do this all over again,

Being the first one to know I had to wake up.

I will cry if I can’t see you,

These days anything makes me cry.

But you always said you hated seeing me cry

So if it was true,

Face me and her and him and her. And the others.

Are you going to keep hiding away?

Birds sing and the monarch flies, the something in the middle avoided.

Apologies for nothing.

They have to be believed in to be.

Like the sound of wood crunching under a bumper.

The sound of a couple fighting.

Tiny feet on wood.

Crunching.

The sound of wings breaking in lost time.

A barely remembered memory of who even knows who or what I was screaming at anymore

A beast in the sky.

Tiny tittering creatures of flight.

The knowledge that life must be sustained and that all life is integral to the picture being taken in this second of space,

Without the means to express it outloud,

Or the will to stand up anymore.

The beginning of a life. Of something new. Of something entirely new.

And, we gather. It is seen as something, it is good, the new is good so

We raise it and coddle it and cultivate it and grow it

We feed it and teach it and

Add it to the list of ingredients.

One part desperation. Two parts necessity.

Throw it in the hole with the others.

One part. Two parts.

We say there’s no other way. This is just how it is.

One. Two.

We get to the end.

Why does no one ever ask,

Why is this how it is?

Is this really how you want to live?

The life.

Debt.

Slave.

A cog in the wheels.

As long as someone else bleeds they don’t care.

I never was going to fit in.

And even though all I wanted to bring was love and affection for everything

Everything they had ever made,

For them.

Couldn’t care less.

The music doesn’t help.

They just want your money.

All anyone wants

Is one more fucking dollar.