Elucidating Questions

Birds sing and the monarch flies, the something in the middle avoided.

Apologies for nothing.

They have to be believed in to be.

Like the sound of wood crunching under a bumper.

The sound of a couple fighting.

Tiny feet on wood.

Crunching.

The sound of wings breaking in lost time.

A barely remembered memory of who even knows who or what I was screaming at anymore

A beast in the sky.

Tiny tittering creatures of flight.

The knowledge that life must be sustained and that all life is integral to the picture being taken in this second of space,

Without the means to express it outloud,

Or the will to stand up anymore.

The beginning of a life. Of something new. Of something entirely new.

And, we gather. It is seen as something, it is good, the new is good so

We raise it and coddle it and cultivate it and grow it

We feed it and teach it and

Add it to the list of ingredients.

One part desperation. Two parts necessity.

Throw it in the hole with the others.

One part. Two parts.

We say there’s no other way. This is just how it is.

One. Two.

We get to the end.

Why does no one ever ask,

Why is this how it is?

Is this really how you want to live?

The life.

Debt.

Slave.

A cog in the wheels.

As long as someone else bleeds they don’t care.

I never was going to fit in.

And even though all I wanted to bring was love and affection for everything

Everything they had ever made,

For them.

Couldn’t care less.

The music doesn’t help.

They just want your money.

All anyone wants

Is one more fucking dollar.

Marching on like a good little soldier with no way. Just putting one foot in front of the other in this endless

Continuing

Solitary march.

I could map the skies for you but I don’t know how long a chicken fucking McNugget cooks for.

Wishing every plane a safe trip while stuck on the ground the flightless bird.

Every morning starts with the realisation that it’s morning.

Not waiting for dawn to break anymore I know that light never comes and every day is painted in these same shades

Of shame, guilt, and blame.

It can only be hell.

Music used to mean something it was above the rest it had a feeling and I felt safe in it and I thought I would always have music,

Except it sings lies like finding the one or holding on to what is important and

I never had a chance.

Not even one.

Every day is just another sentence in hell.

This hopeless helpless disgusting waiting

I’m not stupid

I know no one is coming

Once I didn’t,

But I won’t get fooled again.

I can’t let myself believe in the good that other people could be or they will hurt me and I can’t take anymore but I

Keep marching on like a good little soldier.

A regular fucking citizen.

Never thought every hand I reached for would slam a door in my face,

Mistaken.

You’ll get what you need now.

The words sting like poison.

Begging for anything but solitude please anything but being alone every single day please don’t leave me alone like this I’m going insane from being so alone please

Please someone help me.

And the words fell so I believed them.

Something I need, I believed.

Don’t stop believing.

Keep…

But I can’t anymore.

Because I never got what I needed.

I have no one left.

Standing in the field and watching the stars

Planets

Moon

Talking about nothing listening to sprinklers.

Singing a line until it hurts too much and I fall silent

It’s too heavy.

No one should get to the point I got to alone.

I don’t want anyone else to go there.

Instead I felt these fingers pointing like

You’re a liar

And trying to pull everything apart in order to prove I was wrong

Without ever asking and I thought it was clear.

It doesn’t get better after getting to this point every day is this tightrope walk and watching every step

Rethinking every word

Trying to keep to this set of rules or else what if I fail but I don’t even know what I should be doing

But every time I asked

What does the world need?

I fell into it entirely by accident and the moment the thought hit I was torn to my very core

Curled up screaming from fear because that story is a nightmare followed by failure and betrayal.

No one saw me going, perhaps no one noticed where I was going

And when I got there

Instead of someone seeing that I was somewhere terrible I was left

To my own

Devices.

Over and over,

Standing here, or there, or counting down the time I can think of things that break my heart while putting on a smile and

Have a good evening

Here’s your food.

He doesn’t love me

My heart cried while I smiled away.

She lied to me.

But I don’t know about how much.

What was written was thoughts as they came and went a river of thoughts.

Wasn’t trying to proclaim myself the one on top or the victim just

Trying to sort through these

Midnight thoughts and memories and things I couldn’t verbalise but were eating me from the inside I

Didn’t know feelings could be lies.

These days the music hurts,

Either because the words are sharp and I am so intent on being the one to blame that every word is like a blade or

They sing of things I don’t know anymore

Friends, family, love.

And all I wanted to do was express my love, and then I fell hard and there was no one to pick me up.

Help me get off the ground.

Instead like a wall the silence grew

A wave that came from the fear of being hated

That only cemented into this shape of self doubt and hatred.

Second guessing every word because I hated

Me.

And when I tried to love me and thought I’d found something,

I really thought he was the one,

And that there was supposed to be something

With these people but I still don’t know why.

But no one dared

No one dared

Disturb the silence.