Elucidating Questions

It’s this odd looking in from the outside while right beside and he chuckles but it’s true,

Which is why it’s not mirth it’s despair disguised as a laugh because

It’s all in their book in shards that no one picked up,

But I stood on the outside of disbelief and lack of faith and from the wreckage I didn’t take the

One over the many

I took the one who was the key to a possibility who went too easily,

When no one went with him.

And regardless of the words of whatever lies above and there’s an ironic snicker from the messenger who shrugs and says

It’s easier to criticize when you have evidence isn’t it nice they kept it for you for millennia?

I look at their doctrine and I cannot follow, I will not be obtained in that way,

But I see at the second half it flips to become something for love and freedom,

So why didn’t they listen?

I will ask the empire.

So I stand on this corner as three lights shine down and they walk by they all walk by

It doesn’t mean I can’t hear but it hurts to try like this.

It just does and the corner is still empty, there’s no one standing on it with me I can only

Wish it could be raining

I look where he could be, but he’s still not visible and that makes it harder

I know I get through it but it doesn’t make the pain now any better you say

It won’t last

But I’m in it right now and I need something I can’t even verbalise because there’s no word for it but I need it and it’s just

If I end up all by myself I don’t know what will happen so excuse me while I communicate with lights in the sky it’s all I have left

It’s all I have left my lifeline who could have been a butterfly eventually

Didn’t see me fall down.

How much do I give him before I don’t just have to get by?

But I wonder who has seen a god cry?

Don’t you see he runs himself ragged and it hurts?

I wonder.

Something comes up behind just to assure it’s not a goodbye.

It’s the only promise I need him to keep.

It’s all I need.

So much of it was me.

But I don’t know how it happened and the moments it aligns doesn’t change

This feeling like I’m just down here for some other reason.

How was I not thrown in?

The lover sets with the crab.

The messenger sets with the twins.

Does he tell them what I’m saying or does he tell them otherwise?

Love to the crab because obviously, we step over as she rises,

And we can connect that line,

That the messenger will set again, without making contact, but the one the has woken on this instant of writing,

Is the judge with his hammer, olthe one with the lights.

Should I even ask, he whispers in my ear,

We’re already here

And sure enough, just on the horizon, he rises with her nipping at his heels.

Where is the light?

We’re running out of time,

I don’t remember the last time I saw your face

And didn’t fall in love.

I left on a journey to find compassion, peace, comfort, support, and love.

Every day I opened the door and stepped outside believing I would find it that day because I needed it more than anything I walked

I walked on in circles, I told stories about it could go to myself in my room positive because I needed something more than anything

I searched every day and the days grew longer, and longer,

I returned home to find it was not home anymore

I found help but it was gone in a blink as I sat in a smaller box feeling displaced and

いってきます

Lost meaning even if it was never replied to it is said when you leave home in my heart.

Continued to try to find something as everything slipped out of my hands like the water as I lay awake wondering why it was like this

I tried so desperately to find what I needed and was left in pieces, with holes in every part of my self.

I have no one else now.

He was all I had left.

Now he’s gone too.

Good bye my favourite wolf.

Four notes and I run straight into a glass pane and my face hurts.

Running quickly back into the places I know because all knowing leaves when I hear the four.

And even if the dawn doesn’t come, and even if the tears make me weak or the feeling makes me not fit into boxes

There will always be this person to come back to, and the quiet assertion that the words that cut

Aren’t about me,

And I can hide beneath them.

Ducking down to hide from the pain that keeps trying to catch me,

Trying to hide from the feeling of having found something

Only to find nothing.

And the intrinsically entangled threads of every day and feeling I dismissed because of this or that.

Trying to hold on to six houndred different realities

Because I think too fucking much.

But it was easier before I had no one left.

Flash back.

Have you ever been fifteen and had your father slam a door centimeters from your face.

Have you ever been ten and had your father chase you down the stairs because he was angry?

Have you ever been eighteen and had your father kick your cat instead of you?

Have you ever been eleven and run through the forests like a wild child.

Have you ever been ten and had a guy who’s been touching you for months shove his hands down your pants because you need a massage and then cheated in a race around the church you both go to running for your life in hopes that he could never do it again.

Have you ever been ten and begged not to go to church only to have your parents force you to take a babysitting class so they can dump their children on you for the rest of your youth.

Have you ever been ten and the only hiding place was the family that adopted you…kind of.

Have you ever been fourteen and losing your mind in the basement as you’re cut off from everyone and everything you ever knew that was safe.

Have you ever been fifteen and watched as both families lost faith in you.

Have you ever been six and everything in life was easy and there was food in the cupboards.

Only to be seven and have all of it come crumbling down. Knowing what money is and that everyone wants it.

Have you ever been seven and watched your parents fighting in the kitchen because your father has said the words “everything is her fault” because you where the eldest and your mother still fought back then.

And then she didn’t. And then she was self destructive, abusive, and then she was very sick. And stopped living for a few years.

And then she was gone and your father told you everything to hate her,

Some days I still fight it.

Were you ever 27 and sitting on a ledge outside your house,

Jumping through time as the PTSD hits and trying to find a way back through figuring it out, whatever it is these days,

Wishing someone would put a hand on your shoulder and go for a walk.