Elucidating Questions

Why didn’t you come get me? Why did you let me see this day? What was the point of this I’m all alone and I can’t do it anymore.

I can’t do it and no one came back to help me get back up and you’re still making me stay here but I don’t want to anymore

I can’t do it anymore I’m so tired and all I feel is pain and it doesn’t matter what words I put down no one ever sees me and I feel so hopeless and alone and it hurts it hurts

But I still didn’t die. I still didn’t die. I still didn’t fucking die and I don’t get it because it’s just one more day that’s the same as yesterday and I still don’t want to be here but I’m too exhausted to do anything else

I’m so tired.

I am so tired.

I want to disappear.

Please. Please….

Just please I’m so tired…

It’s warm or it feels like it, mostly.

The internet is breaking and I feel this electrical sting on my skin and I’m not surprised but it feels like someone is knocking on my skull and it’s a hammer

Is he judging me before I’ve even gone down I wonder?

Or is he trying to get my attention but I’m so tired of being beyond tired and I loved him

And I still believed up until today that we were

But then I realised I couldn’t do it and I knew,

That’s when I knew I couldn’t live with myself anymore.

I can’t hear the words about money endlessly anymore

I can’t live on food that tastes like nothing anymore

I can’t live knowing that I’ve hurt him anymore

I can’t live because I am so tired.

I’m so tired of wishing I wouldn’t wake up tomorrow.

When is the dawn of this? When was it supposed to be please don’t let this happen

Of course it was interesting watching and I don’t have much left to say besides I won.

Because in the end I convinced every facet of myself that I did not deserve to be here and no one proved me otherwise.

I don’t know anymore. If I wanted to be loved, accepted, supported, or just talked to sometimes.

I can’t live with myself who lost me my family I can’t live with myself who lost me my friends and I can’t live with myself who let me get this far without ever having someone who would lie beside us through the night and love us regardless

Someone who would love getting our stupid little love notes

I can’t live with me.

Why should anyone else have to?

Because part of me never wanted to do it alone and my body is burning slightly and I can’t tell if it’s the cuts from earlier

Or this something that feels like it’s yelling at me it feels like the sun is screaming and I wonder why,

Dear sun, dear Apollo, dear I wish I could spend eternity with you, but I can’t do it anymore.

I love you.

I love you so, but you are a burning ball of fire and you’re not a person who will speak to me.

I love you because you keep me alive but you are not a conversation.

I’m so tired of people telling me to talk to someone else so that they can disregard me and put me away.

I am so tired of being pushed aside and forgotten.

I am so tired of being the burden.

I am so tired of being the problem.

I am so tired.

I’m so tired and I can’t do this anymore.

I tried so hard but I begged and begged for someone to take my hand and help me,

Anything,

Please I just need help and support I can’t do this alone and I

Am so tired of only hearing about how that makes other people feel because

I don’t want to live

And they don’t want to hear about it

Because it’s too much of a bother.

I’m so tired of being shunted onto professionals who tell me I should try to get out there and make friends when they all just turn their backs again.

I’m so tired.

I can’t do this anymore.

I can’t keep telling myself that I deserve to live when not one other person can agree long enough to take the five minutes I need of face to face contact to feel real anymore.

I can’t do this.

I’m invisible.

I’m not real.

No one ever needed me.

I’m done.

I loved you and you told me to fuck off.

I loved you and you used me and then fucked me over and then blamed me for everything

I loved you and you took my family and the nephew who I loved more than anything away from me in some sick fucking “leaving the nest” bullshit.

I’m sorry I ever tried to reach out to you.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

She’s never coming back,

She left you so she’s never coming back,

He says as the words come back in whispers of memories buried away,

Like one would comment on the weather.

She left so she’s never coming back.

Said to a handful of children when their mother left without a trace.

Or so we thought, because he told us so.

Every plane was a murder machine, weapons of the government spraying down chemicals to kill or control

The government was watching

Controlling the weather.

Never went out, never left the house, the tiny neighbourhood and wanting so desperately to be free so

Midnight walks down the street to just feel free from it all

So afraid I ran as far as I could the night I stood up to him,

Took my last ticket and ran,

But I couldn’t get far and when I got there I was afraid to come knocking

Because all I had done was fail them and I wasn’t good enough to consider myself welcome,

Certainly not at midnight.

The police found me sitting, sitting in the shelter

But I was already 18, and I didn’t even know it.

Not really. That night I realised I was an adult,

Without anywhere to go.

I never knew anything about outside, except for the forest.

Where can I run when he won’t leave me alone?

Fathers pass on their life to their children.

He told me no one would want anything from me but money,

I tried to say he was paranoid, but I was afraid and he ended up being right.

He told me that they would all get tired of me and I would end up alone,

I tried to say he was cynical, but I was afraid and he ended up being right.

He told me no one would want me because I go against the grain, he told me I tried too hard to not fit in,

I tried to believe I would find someone who loved that about me, but I was wrong and he ended up being right.

Every time I look it’s like he’s in the corners smiling because he was right and I was wrong and I can’t escape this monster

I run up the stairs feeling like I’m being chased, I trip down the stairs as the feeling gets me mid step.

The words he said I tried to move past as the memories of hell faded and the teenage years disappeared

The words still echo between my ears like a daily tape,

A never ending song

I can’t escape from so I hid in the music,

But I found this one I wanted more than anything and I went for it for something I felt like…

It was impossible for us to meet any other way and we had so much in common but…

He was right.

It’s sick. It’s sicker than anything part of me just wanted to prove him wrong because if he’s wrong can’t I let go of everything he ever said to me

It’s your job to take care of them because your mother left.

Your mother doesn’t love you she left you.

You’re responsible for them you’re the eldest.

No one will like you if you be yourself.

No one wants anything from you but money, if you don’t have anything your worthless.

I wanted it to be wrong.

It’s sick.

Subconsciously beyond reaching out for someone I thought could be something so I could be something to someone

I just wanted to be free of this feeling like no matter what I do,

He’s right.