Elucidating Questions

I left on a journey to find compassion, peace, comfort, support, and love.

Every day I opened the door and stepped outside believing I would find it that day because I needed it more than anything I walked

I walked on in circles, I told stories about it could go to myself in my room positive because I needed something more than anything

I searched every day and the days grew longer, and longer,

I returned home to find it was not home anymore

I found help but it was gone in a blink as I sat in a smaller box feeling displaced and

いってきます

Lost meaning even if it was never replied to it is said when you leave home in my heart.

Continued to try to find something as everything slipped out of my hands like the water as I lay awake wondering why it was like this

I tried so desperately to find what I needed and was left in pieces, with holes in every part of my self.

I have no one else now.

He was all I had left.

Now he’s gone too.

Good bye my favourite wolf.

Four notes and I run straight into a glass pane and my face hurts.

Running quickly back into the places I know because all knowing leaves when I hear the four.

And even if the dawn doesn’t come, and even if the tears make me weak or the feeling makes me not fit into boxes

There will always be this person to come back to, and the quiet assertion that the words that cut

Aren’t about me,

And I can hide beneath them.

Ducking down to hide from the pain that keeps trying to catch me,

Trying to hide from the feeling of having found something

Only to find nothing.

And the intrinsically entangled threads of every day and feeling I dismissed because of this or that.

Trying to hold on to six houndred different realities

Because I think too fucking much.

But it was easier before I had no one left.

Flash back.

Have you ever been fifteen and had your father slam a door centimeters from your face.

Have you ever been ten and had your father chase you down the stairs because he was angry?

Have you ever been eighteen and had your father kick your cat instead of you?

Have you ever been eleven and run through the forests like a wild child.

Have you ever been ten and had a guy who’s been touching you for months shove his hands down your pants because you need a massage and then cheated in a race around the church you both go to running for your life in hopes that he could never do it again.

Have you ever been ten and begged not to go to church only to have your parents force you to take a babysitting class so they can dump their children on you for the rest of your youth.

Have you ever been ten and the only hiding place was the family that adopted you…kind of.

Have you ever been fourteen and losing your mind in the basement as you’re cut off from everyone and everything you ever knew that was safe.

Have you ever been fifteen and watched as both families lost faith in you.

Have you ever been six and everything in life was easy and there was food in the cupboards.

Only to be seven and have all of it come crumbling down. Knowing what money is and that everyone wants it.

Have you ever been seven and watched your parents fighting in the kitchen because your father has said the words “everything is her fault” because you where the eldest and your mother still fought back then.

And then she didn’t. And then she was self destructive, abusive, and then she was very sick. And stopped living for a few years.

And then she was gone and your father told you everything to hate her,

Some days I still fight it.

Were you ever 27 and sitting on a ledge outside your house,

Jumping through time as the PTSD hits and trying to find a way back through figuring it out, whatever it is these days,

Wishing someone would put a hand on your shoulder and go for a walk.

Every time I get like this I try to tell everyone that I’m having a difficult time and every time instead of staying they leave and tell me if I stay like this it makes no one want me but then everyone’s gone and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do and fucking no one even knew about Chester and everyone wanted him, and I keep telling people I’m falling, and they tell me every time that they don’t.

But how am I supposed to get back up and have confidence in myself and think I’m worth it as a person when even when I say I am having a hard time and need someone to want me everyone says they don’t and disappears?

Everyone says they can’t help me. Everyone pulls away. Everyone goes and I just need one person once a week or maybe once every two weeks to want me. But I started with dozens and they all disappeared.

I can’t feel phone conversations. I can’t feel text messages. I can look at a picture and go there and feel the moment and experience a video and know what it’s like to be there because there is life there but I have been looking at pictures and watching videos and seeing the world through a box and I can’t do it anymore.

I needed someone to see me because I need to see someone and hear their voice and feel alive because we are both alive at the same moment.

But everybody left.

And I am so sorry, so so sorry, if you read this and it makes you sad and you’re on the other side of a screen and it makes you sad because you can’t help me,

Because I care about you. I do. I promise.

I keep waking up every day for the ones who are watching.

It’s just that I spent the first twenty years of my life staring at the world through a screen and so many people behind that screen have been ruthlessly cruel to me that I don’t trust myself to this place as much on a person to person basis but,

Text just feels like letters. And it’s so much easier to text someone than pick up the phone but…

Anyone can do letters,

The only person who has your voice and soul are you.

No,

My lady when you stand on the corner with me I cannot put on such a face.

I want you to feel beautiful so I smile in your face no matter what. I feel that you are here.

Even standing here alone with my nightlight above and you standing with me, quietly watching judge in the corner as he is rising

And the twins fall with the messenger.

My lady I smile because I love you because

Goodbye from you means only an evening

You beautiful wonderful spinning pearl.

I’m searching the skyline for you as love watches on and the moon shines through the day.

It can’t see him but I know where he is,

But he’s not who I’m looking for him I’m looking for you.

You may be setting with them behind you but I want to see you more than them.

These strange things I wrote that turned into the words that happened.

Do you come out and face me or do you hide in the sunlight?

Because I love you I love you I love you but

This whole mess,

Started with you so.

I think at the very least you should show me your face before I have to do this all over again,

Being the first one to know I had to wake up.

I will cry if I can’t see you,

These days anything makes me cry.

But you always said you hated seeing me cry

So if it was true,

Face me and her and him and her. And the others.

Are you going to keep hiding away?