Elucidating Questions

I’m so tired of people telling me to talk to someone else so that they can disregard me and put me away.

I am so tired of being pushed aside and forgotten.

I am so tired of being the burden.

I am so tired of being the problem.

I am so tired.

I’m so tired and I can’t do this anymore.

I tried so hard but I begged and begged for someone to take my hand and help me,

Anything,

Please I just need help and support I can’t do this alone and I

Am so tired of only hearing about how that makes other people feel because

I don’t want to live

And they don’t want to hear about it

Because it’s too much of a bother.

I’m so tired of being shunted onto professionals who tell me I should try to get out there and make friends when they all just turn their backs again.

I’m so tired.

I can’t do this anymore.

I can’t keep telling myself that I deserve to live when not one other person can agree long enough to take the five minutes I need of face to face contact to feel real anymore.

I can’t do this.

I’m invisible.

I’m not real.

No one ever needed me.

I’m done.

I loved you and you told me to fuck off.

I loved you and you used me and then fucked me over and then blamed me for everything

I loved you and you took my family and the nephew who I loved more than anything away from me in some sick fucking “leaving the nest” bullshit.

I’m sorry I ever tried to reach out to you.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

She’s never coming back,

She left you so she’s never coming back,

He says as the words come back in whispers of memories buried away,

Like one would comment on the weather.

She left so she’s never coming back.

Said to a handful of children when their mother left without a trace.

Or so we thought, because he told us so.

Every plane was a murder machine, weapons of the government spraying down chemicals to kill or control

The government was watching

Controlling the weather.

Never went out, never left the house, the tiny neighbourhood and wanting so desperately to be free so

Midnight walks down the street to just feel free from it all

So afraid I ran as far as I could the night I stood up to him,

Took my last ticket and ran,

But I couldn’t get far and when I got there I was afraid to come knocking

Because all I had done was fail them and I wasn’t good enough to consider myself welcome,

Certainly not at midnight.

The police found me sitting, sitting in the shelter

But I was already 18, and I didn’t even know it.

Not really. That night I realised I was an adult,

Without anywhere to go.

I never knew anything about outside, except for the forest.

Where can I run when he won’t leave me alone?

Fathers pass on their life to their children.

He told me no one would want anything from me but money,

I tried to say he was paranoid, but I was afraid and he ended up being right.

He told me that they would all get tired of me and I would end up alone,

I tried to say he was cynical, but I was afraid and he ended up being right.

He told me no one would want me because I go against the grain, he told me I tried too hard to not fit in,

I tried to believe I would find someone who loved that about me, but I was wrong and he ended up being right.

Every time I look it’s like he’s in the corners smiling because he was right and I was wrong and I can’t escape this monster

I run up the stairs feeling like I’m being chased, I trip down the stairs as the feeling gets me mid step.

The words he said I tried to move past as the memories of hell faded and the teenage years disappeared

The words still echo between my ears like a daily tape,

A never ending song

I can’t escape from so I hid in the music,

But I found this one I wanted more than anything and I went for it for something I felt like…

It was impossible for us to meet any other way and we had so much in common but…

He was right.

It’s sick. It’s sicker than anything part of me just wanted to prove him wrong because if he’s wrong can’t I let go of everything he ever said to me

It’s your job to take care of them because your mother left.

Your mother doesn’t love you she left you.

You’re responsible for them you’re the eldest.

No one will like you if you be yourself.

No one wants anything from you but money, if you don’t have anything your worthless.

I wanted it to be wrong.

It’s sick.

Subconsciously beyond reaching out for someone I thought could be something so I could be something to someone

I just wanted to be free of this feeling like no matter what I do,

He’s right.

It’s this odd looking in from the outside while right beside and he chuckles but it’s true,

Which is why it’s not mirth it’s despair disguised as a laugh because

It’s all in their book in shards that no one picked up,

But I stood on the outside of disbelief and lack of faith and from the wreckage I didn’t take the

One over the many

I took the one who was the key to a possibility who went too easily,

When no one went with him.

And regardless of the words of whatever lies above and there’s an ironic snicker from the messenger who shrugs and says

It’s easier to criticize when you have evidence isn’t it nice they kept it for you for millennia?

I look at their doctrine and I cannot follow, I will not be obtained in that way,

But I see at the second half it flips to become something for love and freedom,

So why didn’t they listen?

I will ask the empire.

So I stand on this corner as three lights shine down and they walk by they all walk by

It doesn’t mean I can’t hear but it hurts to try like this.

It just does and the corner is still empty, there’s no one standing on it with me I can only

Wish it could be raining

I look where he could be, but he’s still not visible and that makes it harder

I know I get through it but it doesn’t make the pain now any better you say

It won’t last

But I’m in it right now and I need something I can’t even verbalise because there’s no word for it but I need it and it’s just

If I end up all by myself I don’t know what will happen so excuse me while I communicate with lights in the sky it’s all I have left

It’s all I have left my lifeline who could have been a butterfly eventually

Didn’t see me fall down.

How much do I give him before I don’t just have to get by?

But I wonder who has seen a god cry?

Don’t you see he runs himself ragged and it hurts?

I wonder.

Something comes up behind just to assure it’s not a goodbye.

It’s the only promise I need him to keep.

It’s all I need.

So much of it was me.

But I don’t know how it happened and the moments it aligns doesn’t change

This feeling like I’m just down here for some other reason.

How was I not thrown in?

The lover sets with the crab.

The messenger sets with the twins.

Does he tell them what I’m saying or does he tell them otherwise?

Love to the crab because obviously, we step over as she rises,

And we can connect that line,

That the messenger will set again, without making contact, but the one the has woken on this instant of writing,

Is the judge with his hammer, olthe one with the lights.

Should I even ask, he whispers in my ear,

We’re already here

And sure enough, just on the horizon, he rises with her nipping at his heels.

Where is the light?

We’re running out of time,

I don’t remember the last time I saw your face

And didn’t fall in love.