Elucidating Questions

風の用な届き声。

太陽の一番輝き光。

星じゃないの星。

ただでさえ

宝石しかに話してるでさえ。

好きな物いっぱいあって

でも物はいらない。

最初から言うてた、

者

人になれって。

でも今も物だけ。

物だけで、

進んで欲しい?

It continues.

Everyone else gets to exist in life and experience life

And I get to experience pain.

I don’t get to exist I get to subexist, there’s no memories but

It hurts

And there’s no interaction beyond

Practised poses and lines well thought out ahead of time.

There’s nothing here for me.

I’m just a husk waiting to be shot and killed.

At least I wouldn’t feel pain anymore.

At least I wouldn’t have to watch people having a good time and wonder what that feels like

At least I wouldn’t have to go day to day in agony just trying to find a friend only to find

No one wants to deal with me.

At least if death is only nothing

Nothing would be better than waking up in the hell I live in.

No more waking up because something hurts

No more the first thing I hear is my own mind saying

You’re all alone and no one wants you

No more whispering

It’ll never end it’ll never end I’m going to be alone forever it’s never going to end.

No more.

I wish.

No more going out and being stared at and whispered about by strangers who don’t think I can see them looking.

No more wondering if it’s worth it to be transgender if all it ever got me was what I have right now.

No more thinking I should give it up forever because at least people would like me and even if my body is ruined beyond being loved by another,

At least I could pretend to fit in the puzzle.

No more.

No more anything.

No more memories of things my father said ripping at my conscious mind. No more memories of people who turned me out because I wasn’t worth it

No more.

I tried to reach out to create a net to catch myself when I fell because it was going to happen and

I just realised how important everyone else is

And how I just slip through the cracks.

Every time.

I wake up again and reality sets in.

I’m still alone and my mind which tells me I will always be alone is still right.

And he’s still over there making music like I don’t exist.

And he’s still over there having a good time like I don’t exist.

And I still find these little disgusting signs that point me in his direction like

Like that’s going to fix it.

Like oh look these two things happened in parallel

But it still means nothing.

He still doesn’t see me and I’m still

Inconsequential

Invisible

Unimportant

Nonintegral

No one even looked.

I should laugh because it’s not worth it,

Waking up ever day.

It’s not worth it to wake up to this and life never had a meaning but without him it’s just

One big hole.

It’s just one big darkness I don’t want to see anymore.

They can’t tell me it will get better while disregarding me and disappearing.

Billions of lives who wouldn’t give me the time of day.

I’m too tired for this continuation…

I’m just waiting until I can think of a way that will actually work.

I don’t want to fail again.

And I don’t want to wake up anymore.

Why didn’t you come get me? Why did you let me see this day? What was the point of this I’m all alone and I can’t do it anymore.

I can’t do it and no one came back to help me get back up and you’re still making me stay here but I don’t want to anymore

I can’t do it anymore I’m so tired and all I feel is pain and it doesn’t matter what words I put down no one ever sees me and I feel so hopeless and alone and it hurts it hurts

But I still didn’t die. I still didn’t die. I still didn’t fucking die and I don’t get it because it’s just one more day that’s the same as yesterday and I still don’t want to be here but I’m too exhausted to do anything else

I’m so tired.

I am so tired.

I want to disappear.

Please. Please….

Just please I’m so tired…

It’s warm or it feels like it, mostly.

The internet is breaking and I feel this electrical sting on my skin and I’m not surprised but it feels like someone is knocking on my skull and it’s a hammer

Is he judging me before I’ve even gone down I wonder?

Or is he trying to get my attention but I’m so tired of being beyond tired and I loved him

And I still believed up until today that we were

But then I realised I couldn’t do it and I knew,

That’s when I knew I couldn’t live with myself anymore.

I can’t hear the words about money endlessly anymore

I can’t live on food that tastes like nothing anymore

I can’t live knowing that I’ve hurt him anymore

I can’t live because I am so tired.

I’m so tired of wishing I wouldn’t wake up tomorrow.

When is the dawn of this? When was it supposed to be please don’t let this happen

Of course it was interesting watching and I don’t have much left to say besides I won.

Because in the end I convinced every facet of myself that I did not deserve to be here and no one proved me otherwise.

I don’t know anymore. If I wanted to be loved, accepted, supported, or just talked to sometimes.

I can’t live with myself who lost me my family I can’t live with myself who lost me my friends and I can’t live with myself who let me get this far without ever having someone who would lie beside us through the night and love us regardless

Someone who would love getting our stupid little love notes

I can’t live with me.

Why should anyone else have to?

Because part of me never wanted to do it alone and my body is burning slightly and I can’t tell if it’s the cuts from earlier

Or this something that feels like it’s yelling at me it feels like the sun is screaming and I wonder why,

Dear sun, dear Apollo, dear I wish I could spend eternity with you, but I can’t do it anymore.

I love you.

I love you so, but you are a burning ball of fire and you’re not a person who will speak to me.

I love you because you keep me alive but you are not a conversation.