Elucidating Questions

The phones don’t work

The lights won’t turn on

It doesn’t matter what number I dial it’s never the right one

It won’t go through I

Remember that it’s a strange place entirely under my control on some level and I look around

They can’t know or they’ll wake me up

I know it won’t be simple but,

I think of who I want to talk to and I dial a completely random number

And it works.

I know how to make phones work now.

But I’ve never dreamt the night.

I’ve dreamt nighttime

Around a campfire curled up at his side and leaning closer I’m not cold but we’re not touching enough

The conversation is so easy and unimportant that all that’s left is the feeling of

Touching him

And the slight illumination of our four other companions.

But not the night sky.

And I only fly during the day.

I know they got suspicious because I feel I was talking in my sleep,

In my mind the words I said were integral to the greater good of whatever I was speaking to

I wonder awake if they were gibberish.

So much flying and wandering,

So much gathering and helping

So much ability to do so

So much confidence

And I want to know what that person I dream of who is me knows that lets

Muffled but,

Me

The ungendered untethered unbroken me

Who stands in a room that I don’t want to be in and says

I’m leaving now.

But stands in a room and sees people who also don’t want to be there and says

I’m going to help get you out of this.

And can drive a car

Even though it’s not usually on a road.

But if that is me,

Then who the hell am I?

Once upon a time I thought you were the one,

Because I’d loved you from first sight, I always felt like I knew you, and the strangest things happened

It all seemed to fall in line

I mispoke, second guessed myself, stumbled and fell.

Over excited over enthusiastic over whelmed

It came at a steep price.

And the expectations, that I would be wanted, were far too high.

In the moments the silence says nothing I still find hints like nudges like

Don’t you think?

But I am far too afraid of the magnitude of that thought or that feeling to look it in the eye anymore

It just makes me feel as though I had the chance to know the person who could have been everything

And I must have done something to deserve it being taken away.

I followed along like I was told, did as I was told, recorded what I was told.

In between pieces of me in the words I wrote which may be in a pile of refuse now but I know that they said,

In the book.

You always sing me up,

When it was a lie I tore it out.

I will always love you,

When it started hurting I tore it out.

I will send you love every day so you never have to feel as alone as I always do,

When it didn’t matter anymore I tore it out.

There’s nothing for me to lose,

But clearly you still have something to lose

Or that. Line. Would leave me alone.

No matter how quiet the silence I’m in gets,

I know how to avoid falling in love again,

And nothing ever changes even when I do.

So just like I promised,

In the pages of the book I tore out that I wanted to give you,

I’ll spill my heart until I die.

And it’s all still for you.

It’s on the horizon screaming quietly in the distance.

The light hides the darkest, but the one in between still shines

The constant conversation in a mix of languages that only we can understand,

Sitting beside each other here but not in reality, screaming silently to one another.

Singing to the light that makes shadows appear out the edges

She’s gone to bed and I can still see the last fingers of the sun.

It’s all light, the light just isn’t always bright.

Within and without in seconds of light and life.

The wise one’s laughter always matters most.

The pull of gravity, not what keeps us on earth but what keeps those

Unworthy

From getting to where they want to be.

Looking in the mirror and seeing every part that doesn’t fit

Knowing I could scream my lungs out and never

Be found

When all I want to do is sing

When I want to make music

Instead I stand in a kitchen bustling with

Disenchanted youth.

Those who are overlooked

Because they’re not pretty enough

They’re not attractive enough

They’re not straight enough

They’re not white enough

They’re not

Cookie cutter stars standing in a line belting out music with no emotion.

I don’t want to watch music die as the disease slips in and takes away its soul.

I want to sing too.

From his perspective he cannot see her and I assure him she is beautiful,

From here she is beautiful, and I tell him to believe me but then I wonder

How can he not see her.

Where have then been where they could see each other well enough to know each other, if they can’t see each other now

And I am deafened by the silence as they fall silent and in one voice

We are from the beginning.

And the clock starts again.

Never beyond that line do I know where to go anymore.

Things about love and goodness and trying to be the one who expresses it

And anyone can be best at it

Because it gets better with time,

But I am always far more willing to give love than receive.

I don’t know how to do that as well.

But I will tell you how beautiful the moon was.

It’s as simple as even if I haven’t found hope,

Even if I still feel lost,

I won’t forget today, because it happened.

And I experienced it.

Today was worth it.

Because the loneliness ended.