Elucidating Questions

I stood at the door and stared up at it.

I knew what was beyond it and felt homesick in the wrong direction.

I just wish I had someone to come home to.

I would give everything I have away for that.

Echoed twelve hours later. He says

I know how you feel

I say

In

When he blames himself I hear it

But he already knows.

I say

When he’s angry at you I hear it

He says,

He hears when I’m angry at him too.

It was already daylight but the room is always white and there are no windows.

If it replays the next day is it remembering the dream

And why it repeats without me ever quite remembering.

It’s all so simple but how do I blow it open wide without making a sound or

Making myself a target?

I don’t like stepping into it.

If I’m to understand it I’m missing something integral.

Maybe, he told me in the clearest voice, got my attention:

We need you, please believe me, we need you

And I stared up at him and glanced between him and her and him and her and them

War wisdom lightning and thunder

Their watchers our watcher me

I couldn’t believe it and you still won’t give me a straight answer about

Death and time sky ocean ocean sky time and death.

Somethings missing between.

If all the wanderers had love.

If he hadn’t got in the way.

Not sure if anyone ever saw the code,

Not that it matters, the rebuilding of a language I would have to explain.

Your assumptions are what took you away.

Nothing I can say will ever change that part.

There are no less than one hundred ones being talked about.

Do you know who is who?

I looked up at her with a sigh

What do you think?

The quiet no never gets any quieter.

It’s not quiet anymore, but what else do I do

I realise who the joke is on,

After a no one else has to live in my head,

And unsatisfactory ending.

After all he didn’t care,

And he still doesn’t care.

I try to let him go and drown in loneliness.

I don’t care how he treats me,

I hate that look on her face,

But I don’t care.

Because he’s still there when it’s convenient for him,

Which is all I really asked for anyways.

So he can use me as he will,

It doesn’t change what happens in my head every time.

I never said anything,

That’s only something I told the bull.

And no one else.

So no one else would know what happens,

Please tell me that was a lie.

One sided hell.

Big Ben is chiming.

I came up too fast the bells ring,

It recoiled.

I didn’t realise it was as simple as

Hello.

The inconceivable is conceivable.

And how could they know how many times I’ve turned

How many chimes have been sent with no such answer.

Hello.

And it realises,

The chiming changes shape,

You’re so far away you’re so young what are you where are how are you.

Someone or someones

Ringing from within the old tower

Not the oldest by far,

Oh I know.

I don’t know if we’ll ever make it,

But you should come visit,

We have grass and it’s green.

We have oceans that seem blue.

The sky is blue too.

They know our star now.

It’s beautiful here,

By the way,

So are you.

You bright ass bitch.

I bet your ass glows blue.

Just kidding I love you, after all thank you for providing this opportunity of life and stuff.

Doing that being on fire thing all day long.

This is where you laugh about “days” and “years” and

I’m not sure if it’s hard work, but you do catch cold or something like it stop sneezing on the other stars they may catch it.

I’d say I wish you could have a day off but I have a sneaking suspicion that the hole we bore in our mother’s bubble wouldn’t help keeping us alive for your nap.

Please don’t take a day off.

I don’t want to know how long a day is in sun.

But I want poetry

Poetry is what I do for you not what I do to you, and you may be beautiful but it’s your beauty that made it so that this,

Right here, you see this?

She’s the most beautiful thing here,

And I love her.

And you on my face and the unlikeliness of everything.

Of course I love you

Dolt.

But it’s not for reasons I can explain,

The fact that I don’t owe you one

Means more to me than you’ll ever know.

I took a walk without you, and took in every sight.

The way the lights hit everything, the colours burning bright.

The days that followed endlessly like a prison sentence with every fight.

And with bloodshot eyes and tears of guilt and shame, I stepped into the night.

It was a day or two ago, the journey through the woods. The slip and fall, the get back up, the continuation. The frustration the struggle to right it again.

Self slaying self defense.

I woke half present, wandered silent. The roads don’t look the same.

Every attempt to distance me, just started screaming your name.

I’d say it’s me, but I can’t control the words that others made,

And the horse who leads the guilty to water claimed victory for the day.

It’s not the same, you know it won’t be, I can feel you grinning.

If I start heaping on praise you’ll start thinking you’re the shit again and we can’t have that.

Sometimes you laugh at my expense.

But I love you,

Because I know you know what I know, that you know that I know what you know.

It’s a different love,

But I owe you as little as you owe me and we live like that.

I lie and think I deserve punishment.

You provide me with a bigger lie, a greater lie, a more devastating lie, and ask

Does that person deserve punishment?

Then yell SEE in my ear in a way I can only describe as the ringing that shoots from one side of my head to the other

As I say no.

When I’m beating myself up you’re the songs I skipped past that tried to stop me.

You’re that jolt as something weird happens and in the moment of

What the fuck is that

I look to you and your self satisfied self as I subconsciously acknowledge your existence.

But you know me better than I do,

You don’t even have to speak.

You pout when I’m ahead of you.

How I describe that feeling,

The one that tells me you’re near.

The warmth.

But,

I’m younger than you in my ways,

Not other ways,

And sometimes you laugh at my expense.

So I disqualified you from the race.

Bitch.

I love you.