Elucidating Questions

What do you want?

I’m trying not to hear it go away.

Even if you hide it I know the answer

Then it’s better if I deny the answer

It’s wrong for me to want and I’m not allowed to love and I’m not allowed to want and I

Can’t stand this song anymore because I hate the answer skip

B Team

I only just let myself admit that I missed him enough to let myself have that much of him

But there it goes stepping in where it’s not welcome and bringing him with it when I’m

Fucking trying not to answer

He didn’t like having it sung back

It’s my own fault

Can’t I please keep just him enough to feel like I haven’t lost everything

But it keeps threading itself in and I want to delete it all over again

I love you do you love me

I love you could you love me

I love you could you like me

I love you could you tolerate me

I love you could you…

Every love song’s about him and I can’t sing to him

Every song of longing points fingers or blame or I can’t do that

Every song of happiness says there’s someone beside you

Every song is just breaking it worse.

Please let me start again…

Because I’m still sitting in the centre and missing over there

Waiting for my life to begin and

I see beauty and strangers.

And the water crashes behind and jumped in front but I’m facing where I miss

And trying to ignore who I miss.

Because the music just still sounds like lies or like it’s yelling about me and I lost the ability to sing about

Why would I sing about

No one wants me to.

Because it’s been only half of a decade long year and I’m so tired.

I’m alone.

I’m falling and weak.

It doesn’t matter who the one is when I sit here because it never mattered how much of my heart I put out,

He never wanted it.

Do you know what it feels like to hand your heart away?

How do I trust

That what I felt more than anything

Was right anymore?

I’m still talking to no one sitting at a fountain wishing it was dark enough to see the stars and moon because the sun is too bright and I’m so tired

But I feel guilty for feeling tired of the sun.

Do you?

But every day is just another day

Loudly the loudest said

Want

And I can’t do that, can’t describe how guilty I would feel to want

Not allowed to want humans not if they don’t want me

Not allowed to want things because they’re just things and I don’t want things.

I want indescribable feelings that come with not being a tree

Or a fountain

Or a bench

Or a chair

Or me,

When someone looks you in the eyes, and you know they see who your me is.

Don’t you hope sometimes that you were wrong

And the answer is no, not at all.

Do I hope I was wrong about the moment I felt it collide?

Only because it took me that long to realise it hadn’t already.

Only because every day is so hard and if there was a chance of

Anything changing

If it could be as simple as

That when it was and it still wasn’t enough

Belief that there is a one would require believing I’m a one myself.

And believing I was didn’t mean anyone cared.

Muddy.

Jerk.

I don’t know what to call you.

Well now I do but I don’t know why.

You’re the single most frustrating honest forgiving loving confusing vague direct

Something

And you said if I kept ignoring you you’d get louder

But I didn’t realise you meant shadows

And words

You know I can’t justify

As the monarch flies by and you lean back cross your arms raise a brow smirk slightly

Why wouldn’t I?

Well I can’t rightly answer that without making billions of lives seem inconsequential when every one of them is connected to everything

Now can I?

The hummingbird perches in the tree overhead

You call me a hypocrite.

Well yes but you see and I rather quite think that in terms of the case of the situation where there is that is to say something of a truth to that.

“That’s Trudeau” I mean he’s always in and out of here like that but

But…

You say only a human could seem so childish when discussing life and death.

I can’t argue with that.

A small child calls for her mother, she can’t see her but she can hear her and she doesn’t have object permanence yet because she’s too young so

Her mother only exists as a voice temporarily

Mama

A call answered.

Well I feel entirely chastised now and you snicker

And I faltered. But I still don’t know how to believe I am needed.

You ask why

But it should be clear.

Dear you

Hey you

I love you dick face

Skipped past before but whispered to

Now I have a conversation because he’s that easy to talk to.

A whirlwind of leafs in the breeze.

Because I never knew everyone was waiting on a dime.

And I never knew everyone was waiting for the line that meant they could back away slowly

Or shut the door

I never knew that everyone was waiting on a cue to turn and run away

Not to.

Because I thought everyone was like me and gave second chances, forgot how to count, and I believed supporting each other is what we should do and I

Never heard back from them,

So I can only come to the conclusion

And you say stop right there I am literally bigger than all of them combined and I have so many rings.

And these rocks you like so much

You don’t swear at me because you know I take it personally even though I swear for emphasis

And that

Yeah well fuck you and fuck you too

Is saved for a second glance at the first

Because it’s how we say I love you in Mercurian because it’s always said with malice and it’s always said with love.

Because we totally secretly hate each other.

Distracting. He’s shiny.

Our conversations only go on forever because I enjoy watching you get distracted

Then you laugh.

But,

I do like facts and those are facts, are they related?

Everything is connected.

Jerk.

But I’m not proud of myself for being born.

I’m proud of the people who made it so that even though I was born I could live when they couldn’t.

I’m not proud of my culture,

I’m proud of the people who produced the aspects of that culture that speak to my soul.

I’m not proud of what my genetics decided would be most pleasing or rebelling against societal binary and acknowledging my discomfort within my own body

I’m proud of the people that made it so I could say that line and not get shot for it.

I’m not proud of history,

Have you seen history?

I am proud of the people who stood up during history like that one student who corrects the teacher

Hand tentatively raised

Ummm I don’t think that’s quite right?

I’m proud of that person and the people who listened and considered

Was it not quite right?

And how could it be righted.

I’m not proud.

It’s hard to relate in that way I just don’t get it either,

But I know what it means.

It means a great deal to me.

I may not be proud,

But I celebrate within Pride the lives that carried us far enough

To have Pride.