Elucidating Questions

So you put on some clothes for once, yes that is true.

I like being able to look at you,

Actually being able to look you square in the face.

Even if it’s covered a bit, but it was nice to see you have a shape I can look at for more than a split moment.

Clouds are good too.

Could you chill?

I noticed it like this

In this strange renoticing.

I was experiencing

Terrible days and then watching as they seemed to experience it the day after

I didn’t have explanation.

It was just how it was so I’d try to say something

でも誰でも消えた。もう心の声なんて

気づいている間

誰のせいで?

何もしてなかった。

でも

As if screamed from a megaphone that I was just hearing first my ears hurt my head hurt my heart hurt I had all this awareness and it meant

Everything

So I couldn’t turn away from the slightest hurt because I had felt it too and it hurt so I thought how can I fix this and

Why am I still remembering things like this in moments that don’t matter

Intent has already been ruled out as a reason to do anything.

Some pixie fuck bullshit about how it can’t get better if you don’t visualise it getting better

But I have been visualising that my entire fucking life and it’s never

God

Damn

Fucking

Happened.

So don’t tell me I am giving up after not trying and not having ideas and not doing anything for my situation.

I tried.

No.

They say there’s no such thing as tried.

I didn’t try to get several hundred jobs in the past year

I failed to get several hundred jobs.

I didn’t try to make friends.

I failed to make friends.

I didn’t try to find love.

I failed to find love.

Every time you try you aren’t trying you’re failing.

That’s what I learned.

Can I go now please?

Because reacting with the people around me is not connecting to the people around me

Every gear that turns, every crank, every script every little thing

Leaves me feeling empty not full.

I just say what I remember I should say.

I don’t know why they’re not worth less than the dreams I see where I speak.

Not talk.

And so I start speaking with the atmosphere or the galaxy or the universe.

Because I called everyone and no one ever called back.

And I go crazy,

But I know what crazy looks like so I see it

And I hate myself instantly.

No one else has ever seen that moment and accepted me.

People know me no one understands me.

It’s understand. I thought I understood them and clearly whatever that never mattered.

I don’t know why the fuck I keep waking up when all I want to do is sleep.

It’s the only place I feel like living.

The famous play pretend all day long.

You say want something

Like what? A car?

So I can get to places where there is still no one to talk to but at least I won’t be where I am?

And in wanting the car does it create my ability to work hard enough to ever be able to find the resources to not only have a car but be allowed to drive it?

I don’t want

When they say hold on

To what?

I already asked to who

The answer was yourself.

I can’t stand myself why in the living hell would I hold on to myself are you daft?

So what then?

Tomorrow?

When I wake up oh I know I’m going to be the one standing behind the counter and nothing more than a being to which things are done dispensing the same script every day

I know I’m going to be thinking about being able to pay rent. I know I’m going to be worrying about things I said. I know I’m going to think of him. I know I’m going to want to talk to him and he won’t want to talk to me. I know I’m going to go home alone, wake up the next day,

And stare up at the ceiling or at adults playing pretend all day long,

And then go to sleep and repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

So

What then if not who?

And why?

Say there was one,

Someone who would sing with me and write with me,

Someone who would play with me and create with me.

Say there was one who would talk to me, and sit with me when I can’t sleep and I’d sit with him when he can’t sleep.

Say there was someone who saw my demons as demons he himself had and could see in my worst moments that I am not them

And I could see the same in his, that he isn’t them either.

Say there was someone like that,

Someone who would love me for me

My you

Whose you I could be

How would I ever find him?

If I don’t know where else to look

How would I ever reach him when I don’t have the ability to reach anywhere?

How would I know that he knows that I’m here and hasn’t already found someone better than me

I said we were connected not that I was best.

How would I know that in comparison to every person he’s ever met I don’t pale in comparison because

How do I know if the me I was supposed to be in the moment I was born is the me I am now?

What if he saw me and didn’t want me after all?

What if he saw me and already had his life figured out?

What if he saw me and what he already had was already worth more put together than I’d ever be worth by myself?

If I hold on

What am I holding on to?