Elucidating Questions

I still love you.

I still love you.

I still love you.

I still dream of you, I still wish you were here, I still look at cars that look like yours and feel this

Awful feeling knowing it’ll never be you.

I don’t know why.

I wish I could just walk away but I still worry.

I still worry if you’re all right and I still think of you when you go one stage and wish you luck

I still hear your melody everywhere and it tears me apart.

I wanted to show you everything so you’d know I was a person and not a stalker

I wanted to share with you like you shared with others

Your life in prose.

I didn’t realise it didn’t occur to me I didn’t think

You were above me I thought you were human and I thought you needed me

Do not disturb.

I tried not to but I would turn around for a minute and there’d be something left behind and I don’t even know what I said to you or why

I broke every day you passed by but I still tried to

But I love you.

It hurts so much to love you it’s like nothing has colour or meaning

All I’ve ever experienced in love is the pain.

The separation.

The days where you long to be together but can’t be.

I can’t do it again after this, how could I?

It’ll be too soon or I should just be lonely or it’ll just hurt more.

I can’t ever let myself do this again.

You wrote me off before you even looked me in the eye

How could you be so heartless?

But am I heartless for hurting?

You’re far more important than me, is it wrong to feel this way?

What do I do if I’m not allowed to feel this way it’s everything I had left and I

I still love you.

I hate myself for loving you.

You’ll never know it because you walked away.

Goodbye,

Before hello was even said.

Do you know what it’s like?

To be disregarded by the one you love?

Do you know what it’s like to be nothing to your one and only?

You don’t.

Just marry her anyway. It’ll hurt me even more.

I don’t want to want to kill myself.

Some part of me wants to stay or wants to want to stay but it never wins.

How dare I want to,

That’s what I get every time.

That or nothing.

All I need is support and the people who I ask for support from just disregard me.

I don’t want to want to kill myself.

I wish I knew you know how I feel because if I had known I would have messaged you every day so you never felt like I feel now.

Even if it was weird and celebrities are too important for people like me

Even if you’re above me and I never would have deserved to see you.

I don’t want to feel this way.

I challenge anyone to spend weeks, months, wearing twenty pound weights around their necks to be the pain I feel

I challenge you to spend weeks in your house no one to actually talk to.

I challenge anyone to want to be the forgotten one.

I challenge any one to be me for a month and then tell me how they feel.

I dare you to tell me my feelings are irrational irrelevant inconsequential

That’s how I feel though.

No one really sees me.

And I should have known better than to fall for someone so out of my league and to have feelings for this awful tugging presence I just want to go away.

Everything reminds me of him and what will never happen.

No matter how many times I try again,

The day just ends up the same.

It wasn’t that I thought you owed me

I was just so desperate to see you even if it was only for one day

But then I realise that day would mean everything

And it would just end up with me wanting more

I’m selfish.

I’m sorry that one day alone wouldn’t be enough for me

But it’s not that you owe me it I just

Wanted to see you

And still do but it’s

So muddled and messy now. If everything reminds me of things that happened

The slippers were an accident.

But just that and I’m back to that moment where

At any moment

I didn’t know what followed but I wanted to believe I would meet you

Or I did,

Then I really did

But I still don’t know why.

It didn’t fix anything it made it so much worse.

My hand broke.

My finger broke for no reason.

New Year’s happened.

Why?

The man bares the face of anger he reaches not as the other did as if to aid but as if to strike and

There is a much larger hand that holds out, in pieces and shards

Searching for the evening star

Planet the whisps of other clouds as the man claps his hands together

As if he understands

Does he?

The hands have already faded away.

Purple and quiet, but I hear an argument within and hope to hear it

Such a strange thing but it

Makes me feel alive to be close to the sound of it,

To see as it strikes.

The man is gone

The cloud appears to be making that odd ok sign the kids make these days.

Does this mean the clouds are going to punch me or what?

The clouds look like a man, old, bearded, his hair long, he is curled up in a tight ball

The clouds look like a hand reaching out to him

The cloud begins to fade, the man is looking up, the sun makes it look like he has hope

But the side I see, is mostly in darkness and I don’t know what the man is holding but it isn’t his knees anymore

The hand becomes three hands reaching.

But he is pulling away and his shape is gone

Left behind dark water colour skies and clouds floating by.

It has been seven days since I saw someone who wasn’t

Coworker

Or classmate.

So many lines and scripts.

I wish I could have accepted the one invite I got to be a person.

I’m just standing on a different side of the road waiting until I can go again

Trying not to feel but I’m so lonely and I need to do something or my brain eats itself.

But if I feel it hurts so much I can’t breathe.

I just wanted to go back to sleep.

Why did I have to wake up for this?

I don’t want to hear about the things that happened or how it’s confusing.

I don’t want to hear anymore about thoughts I had or feelings or how this sounds like that or how he’s in this song or that or whatever the fuck

On the other side is this

What the fuck do you want from me?

All I ever wanted from you was company and you fucking turned it sexual.

You fucking asked for me.

You fucking keep putting it there.

I just wanted to see you and instead I get shit fucking all

And a dream where you sent me a selfie of you having a good time partying in the dark where I still couldn’t even see your fucking face

I can’t even escape your absolute bullshit in my dreams anymore.

You were never invited to those.

I already have to deal with him every night

Feeling loved and not questioning it and seeing it and waking up and willing myself to forget it and remember every other dream that tries to slip away.

Either set me free or make me forget both of them completely.

I wish I could wake up and have no fucking clue who I am.

I fucking wish I could.