Elucidating Questions

You have all the brightness of the sun,

But you lack the moon in a way that puzzles the mind that wonders

About a wolf who doesn’t howl at the blue corn moon.

It’s overwhelming feeling thinking

I don’t feel shame for feeling I refuse

But

And so

And it just leads to

I hadn’t even considered a future where he wasn’t present in some way it hadn’t occurred to me that would be an option

That someone who is my sun and moon wouldn’t be a part of it.

But I don’t know how to work towards that much silence, I don’t know if I’m allowed to and even when it’s all for him it

Doesn’t change that I’m lonely enough to be desperate enough to give in.

But who could settle for the sun when the two make such a beautiful person who is still my everything.

Would I have to live every day knowing

But never really knowing

If I ever came as far as I feel I did.

And still feeling the weight, of this line,

In my very core.

It’s unseen, but overwhelming.

It is not visible but what it produces is undeniable.

It is not touchable but it is overpowering.

It is fearsome, but it has no face.

We give our selves to them without hesitation,

Allow them to run our lives.

They thread into the laws we make and the lives we live.

They are undeniably there, but no one has ever seen one.

They have a power indescribable,

We now before them,

Strive to mean something to them,

Seek their approval as they tell us how to live.

We sacrifice for them. We lie for them. We fight for them.

They are an idea.

No,

I’m not describing gods,

I’m describing corporations.

You are beautiful.

I do not know if I can say I am loyal to you, but it’s nothing you ever did I just don’t feel like I belong here.

No one could ever put into words the beauty and magic and wonder and miraculousness of this place

And ever get all the words in an order that would be of any magnitude close to comparing to your beauty.

You are a miracle floating through space and on you

If only half of them could know how lucky they are to have you

I wish they would spoil you instead of spoiling themselves with you

And think of you as they’re traveling through the stars that they are only visible from where you are.

That every light in the sky that eyes can see is only seeable because we were there with you.

I wish they’d give you everything you need to continue this journey for the billions of years you still have left

And see you are just a baby, just like the sun.

You haven’t even begun to show how much you can change and grow.

I wish they could see how much I love you but they never will or can because it is invisible.

Invisible,

But I

I wish I could sustain you with that feeling alone.

Because I know I’m far from perfect,

And knowing I hurt you by being hurts me too.

The phones don’t work

The lights won’t turn on

It doesn’t matter what number I dial it’s never the right one

It won’t go through I

Remember that it’s a strange place entirely under my control on some level and I look around

They can’t know or they’ll wake me up

I know it won’t be simple but,

I think of who I want to talk to and I dial a completely random number

And it works.

I know how to make phones work now.

But I’ve never dreamt the night.

I’ve dreamt nighttime

Around a campfire curled up at his side and leaning closer I’m not cold but we’re not touching enough

The conversation is so easy and unimportant that all that’s left is the feeling of

Touching him

And the slight illumination of our four other companions.

But not the night sky.

And I only fly during the day.

I know they got suspicious because I feel I was talking in my sleep,

In my mind the words I said were integral to the greater good of whatever I was speaking to

I wonder awake if they were gibberish.

So much flying and wandering,

So much gathering and helping

So much ability to do so

So much confidence

And I want to know what that person I dream of who is me knows that lets

Muffled but,

Me

The ungendered untethered unbroken me

Who stands in a room that I don’t want to be in and says

I’m leaving now.

But stands in a room and sees people who also don’t want to be there and says

I’m going to help get you out of this.

And can drive a car

Even though it’s not usually on a road.

But if that is me,

Then who the hell am I?

Once upon a time I thought you were the one,

Because I’d loved you from first sight, I always felt like I knew you, and the strangest things happened

It all seemed to fall in line

I mispoke, second guessed myself, stumbled and fell.

Over excited over enthusiastic over whelmed

It came at a steep price.

And the expectations, that I would be wanted, were far too high.

In the moments the silence says nothing I still find hints like nudges like

Don’t you think?

But I am far too afraid of the magnitude of that thought or that feeling to look it in the eye anymore

It just makes me feel as though I had the chance to know the person who could have been everything

And I must have done something to deserve it being taken away.

I followed along like I was told, did as I was told, recorded what I was told.

In between pieces of me in the words I wrote which may be in a pile of refuse now but I know that they said,

In the book.

You always sing me up,

When it was a lie I tore it out.

I will always love you,

When it started hurting I tore it out.

I will send you love every day so you never have to feel as alone as I always do,

When it didn’t matter anymore I tore it out.

There’s nothing for me to lose,

But clearly you still have something to lose

Or that. Line. Would leave me alone.

No matter how quiet the silence I’m in gets,

I know how to avoid falling in love again,

And nothing ever changes even when I do.

So just like I promised,

In the pages of the book I tore out that I wanted to give you,

I’ll spill my heart until I die.

And it’s all still for you.