Poetry
This is the general category of fuckery that goes on and on and doesn’t seem interested in stopping.
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Muddy.
Jerk.
I don’t know what to call you.
Well now I do but I don’t know why.
You’re the single most frustrating honest forgiving loving confusing vague direct
Something
And you said if I kept ignoring you you’d get louder
But I didn’t realise you meant shadows
And words
You know I can’t justify
As the monarch flies by and you lean back cross your arms raise a brow smirk slightly
Why wouldn’t I?
Well I can’t rightly answer that without making billions of lives seem inconsequential when every one of them is connected to everything
Now can I?
The hummingbird perches in the tree overhead
You call me a hypocrite.
Well yes but you see and I rather quite think that in terms of the case of the situation where there is that is to say something of a truth to that.
“That’s Trudeau” I mean he’s always in and out of here like that but
But…
You say only a human could seem so childish when discussing life and death.
I can’t argue with that.
A small child calls for her mother, she can’t see her but she can hear her and she doesn’t have object permanence yet because she’s too young so
Her mother only exists as a voice temporarily
Mama
A call answered.
Well I feel entirely chastised now and you snicker
And I faltered. But I still don’t know how to believe I am needed.
You ask why
But it should be clear.
Dear you
Hey you
I love you dick face
Skipped past before but whispered to
Now I have a conversation because he’s that easy to talk to.
A whirlwind of leafs in the breeze.
Because I never knew everyone was waiting on a dime.
And I never knew everyone was waiting for the line that meant they could back away slowly
Or shut the door
I never knew that everyone was waiting on a cue to turn and run away
Not to.
Because I thought everyone was like me and gave second chances, forgot how to count, and I believed supporting each other is what we should do and I
Never heard back from them,
So I can only come to the conclusion
And you say stop right there I am literally bigger than all of them combined and I have so many rings.
And these rocks you like so much
You don’t swear at me because you know I take it personally even though I swear for emphasis
And that
Yeah well fuck you and fuck you too
Is saved for a second glance at the first
Because it’s how we say I love you in Mercurian because it’s always said with malice and it’s always said with love.
Because we totally secretly hate each other.
Distracting. He’s shiny.
Our conversations only go on forever because I enjoy watching you get distracted
Then you laugh.
But,
I do like facts and those are facts, are they related?
Everything is connected.
Jerk.
No comments on Maybe -
But I’m not proud of myself for being born.
I’m proud of the people who made it so that even though I was born I could live when they couldn’t.
I’m not proud of my culture,
I’m proud of the people who produced the aspects of that culture that speak to my soul.
I’m not proud of what my genetics decided would be most pleasing or rebelling against societal binary and acknowledging my discomfort within my own body
I’m proud of the people that made it so I could say that line and not get shot for it.
I’m not proud of history,
Have you seen history?
I am proud of the people who stood up during history like that one student who corrects the teacher
Hand tentatively raised
Ummm I don’t think that’s quite right?
I’m proud of that person and the people who listened and considered
Was it not quite right?
And how could it be righted.
I’m not proud.
It’s hard to relate in that way I just don’t get it either,
But I know what it means.
It means a great deal to me.
I may not be proud,
But I celebrate within Pride the lives that carried us far enough
To have Pride.
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Once you’re gone in your memory I live
But I had so much I wanted to say to you and now you’re gone and do those things I want to say
As I say them in your memory because I wanted to say them to you but you’re gone and I can’t…
Do they still mean anything without there being another end to the thread?
Do the threads die I know they are cut
Do they die?
When I lost you did I lose every whispered I love you, did I lose every smile you made for me accidentally, when I lost you did I lose?
What did I lose?
Am I wrong to keep reaching to them
I feel like I have something for them but I don’t know what it is and I can’t just show up there like
Hi, you don’t remember me but I remember you
I lie awake and try so hard not to think of him
You him them I am
So busy in my head and I’m lonely but I’m not fucking dead
And I tread through these waters they’re not shallow,
They’re over my head and I just wanted a place for it
Because what if
No
Not what if today was my, what if today was your
In your memory,
I spend every day like today isn’t my
But it’s someone else’s and I don’t know who else that may be
So I tell you I love you and I try to say everything that would consume me if I lost the chance to say
In your memory I fear losing every day but
Because that’s exactly what I would have wanted someone to say, and I heard it in the music I didn’t deign it from the highs and lows and
It’s scary,
Am I selfish for feeling like no one is afraid to lose me?
Am I selfish for believing the opposite?
I miss you.
Living in your memory, please wait for me before you get on the bus but
Of course you’re waiting you’re every where.
But I miss you and I’m human and you’re not there and I never imagined I needed you there when I didn’t think of you
And now I do every day is
In your memory I thought of every person I wanted to know I loved them because the thought of losing them
怖い
嫌だ
He just looked so sick.
In your memory I realised I needed you
And I realised all these people I needed and I wanted them to know they were needed but
Humanity’s greatest flaw is its need to be reciprocated. Recognition.
It felt very empty when every letter, paper or otherwise
…
I love you. I miss you. I needed you and I didn’t even know you.
She got so mad at me when I mourned Grandma and I’d known her most of my life.
Is everyone mad at me because I didn’t know you?
But in your memory I feel like I know you better now than I ever did as
The songs all became letters
And it shakes me to my heart wrapped back into shape by bits of string, glue, bones and tape
What if I lose more of them before I get the chance to say
I love you
And I’d return your call any day.
Because you were there for me and I never wanted to take any one of them for granted.
Because when the one light you didn’t realise was holding up your sky
Loses the fight you’d been silently walking together through time
The sky gets so heavy.
And I can’t let go because
Someone somewhere needs to know that I would stand by them if I could
I swear
I don’t care
And I never thought of the next part,
But I don’t care who you are
Because I think everyone deserves to know
They’re needed.
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I stood at the door and stared up at it.
I knew what was beyond it and felt homesick in the wrong direction.
I just wish I had someone to come home to.
I would give everything I have away for that.
Echoed twelve hours later. He says
I know how you feel
I say
In
When he blames himself I hear it
But he already knows.
I say
When he’s angry at you I hear it
He says,
He hears when I’m angry at him too.
It was already daylight but the room is always white and there are no windows.
If it replays the next day is it remembering the dream
And why it repeats without me ever quite remembering.
It’s all so simple but how do I blow it open wide without making a sound or
Making myself a target?
I don’t like stepping into it.
If I’m to understand it I’m missing something integral.
Maybe, he told me in the clearest voice, got my attention:
We need you, please believe me, we need you
And I stared up at him and glanced between him and her and him and her and them
War wisdom lightning and thunder
Their watchers our watcher me
I couldn’t believe it and you still won’t give me a straight answer about
Death and time sky ocean ocean sky time and death.
Somethings missing between.
If all the wanderers had love.
If he hadn’t got in the way.
Not sure if anyone ever saw the code,
Not that it matters, the rebuilding of a language I would have to explain.
Your assumptions are what took you away.
Nothing I can say will ever change that part.
There are no less than one hundred ones being talked about.
Do you know who is who?
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I looked up at her with a sigh
What do you think?
The quiet no never gets any quieter.
It’s not quiet anymore, but what else do I do
I realise who the joke is on,
After a no one else has to live in my head,
And unsatisfactory ending.
After all he didn’t care,
And he still doesn’t care.
I try to let him go and drown in loneliness.
I don’t care how he treats me,
I hate that look on her face,
But I don’t care.
Because he’s still there when it’s convenient for him,
Which is all I really asked for anyways.
So he can use me as he will,
It doesn’t change what happens in my head every time.
I never said anything,
That’s only something I told the bull.
And no one else.
So no one else would know what happens,
Please tell me that was a lie.
One sided hell.
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Big Ben is chiming.
I came up too fast the bells ring,
It recoiled.
I didn’t realise it was as simple as
Hello.
The inconceivable is conceivable.
And how could they know how many times I’ve turned
How many chimes have been sent with no such answer.
Hello.
And it realises,
The chiming changes shape,
You’re so far away you’re so young what are you where are how are you.
Someone or someones
Ringing from within the old tower
Not the oldest by far,
Oh I know.
I don’t know if we’ll ever make it,
But you should come visit,
We have grass and it’s green.
We have oceans that seem blue.
The sky is blue too.
They know our star now.
It’s beautiful here,
By the way,
So are you.
Elucidating Questions 